Friday, April 30, 2010
Just A Song
Elizabeth gave us this beautiful post today with a video of one of my very favorite songs and she talked about being sad and I felt that tug of my heart because well, I've been so sad too lately. Sad and angry and afraid. Boxed in too tight by a cold, hard frame of fear but even last night I could feel my heart rise up out of it all.
It was a tiny miracle and I came home from the Opera House where this rising had occurred and I told Mr. Moon, "I feel better." And I kissed him and he knew I was his wife again, not some cornered trembling thing he had no idea what to do with, how to help.
I ate my supper, I watched some TV, I laughed at Tina Fey. I cleaned up the kitchen, made the coffee, made Mr. Moon's lunch and got this morning's smoothie ready and went to bed and I slept like I haven't slept in so long and when I woke up, I knew things were going to be better.
Instead of laying there, dreading to get up, dreading to take on the day, my life, I made plans.
Simple plans, but plans- go buy Kahlua for one of the cakes I'm making. Make the cakes (I'm going to make two and I'm doing that because I WANT to) and maybe go through my closet and put away the cashmere and get out the cotton and linen.
And I got up and took my camera and walked down the street and took a picture of the amazing roses blooming at a neighbor's house.
And then I went to Elizabeth's blog and I listened to Jimi Hendrix and I read her words and I was reminded of the night my friend David brought me the Jason Mraz CD and played me Beautiful Mess and how I sat in the hallway with him that night, that cold November night, and I cried because somehow, without knowing a thing, David had brought me the perfect song. I was just coming out of that horrible time when I'd gone completely insane, crossed the border of it, and was just able to see the light again and I cried like a child who thinks she has lost her mother but who has found her again and the relief along with the realization that mothers (and minds) can be lost washes together in a river of emotions and the child cries with it all.
So here. I am giving you this video. I think I've probably posted it before but it's worth seeing, listening to more than once. If you've got the time. If you know what it means to be a beautiful mess. If you've crossed that border and wandered around with absolutely no idea how to get back to where the light shines and you know it's there, that shining light but no path seems to lead you back and then suddenly, there it is- isn't it? Maybe? Yes. I think.
And the relief is so pure and the gratefulness is so profound and the box of fear you've been in loosens and lets your heart leap a bit again- if you know what this is like, listen to the song.
It might remind you that when you were wandering around that country of crazy you weren't alone there.
And that's all for now.
Happy Friday, y'all.