Sunday, June 9, 2024

The Crazy Is Strong In This One

 


Although you can't tell from that picture, everything is a little hazy right now. I think they're doing controlled burns somewhere in the area. It smells a little smokey too. 
My head has felt hazy today too. Just a sort of unfocused meandering of the brain, going about its own dull thoughts as I drift from one thing to another. I knew it wasn't going to be a great day when I woke up from a horrible dream, this being one of the everything is a total mess and I'll never be able to clean it all up theme. Although I have these dreams frequently, I believe my sleep-brain wanted to amuse itself by changing things up and the dream was in a different setting with different types of messes, including oil pouring out of the top of a stove. That's probably because I desperately need to clean my oven but anyway, there were still rooms full of filthy laundry and there were washing machines everywhere so I was busy gathering up all the sheets and towels and clothes and stuffing them into various machines but barely even making a dent in the mess. I also found a huge patch of swarming bugs that may have been termites in a corner of the house and I thought, "Oh god. I have to show this to Glen."
Let me just say this- if houses represent our bodies in our dreams, I definitely need some help. 

I did another forty-five minutes or so of picking beans and I am beginning to hate the sight of them. I keep thinking about Billy saying, "You can stop whenever you like, Mary. This isn't Little House on the Prairie."
I could easily have made a few pints of pickled green beans today but I just couldn't force myself to do it. I've got enough cucumbers to make a few pints of pickles from those, too. Again- the desire and energy are just about at zero. 

Part of my problem is that we're going to be leaving for North Carolina in just a few days. Like- next Saturday. And I will tell you the god's honest truth- I don't even know if I can do that. I have GOT to get away from this tiny life for at least a little while or I will literally never be able to again. My brain (stupid brain) is yelling at me that I can't leave the garden now, just when everything's about to bust out. As if the world will come to an end if I don't get everything we grow picked and preserved. I'm also worried about Jack. I'll hear from the vet about him tomorrow. And I need to be here to help Lily with the kids. And...
Oh hell. I don't know.

I do know that Mark will be here and he will take care of everything that I ask him to take care of. He will water my plants and the garden. He can pick any vegetables that he wants. He can feed the cats. He will do these things. Last time he stayed here he asked my permission to mop the floors because he just really wanted to. 

So it's not really any of that. It's just the thought of leaving my safe place, my routine, my deeply, deeply cut rut where I can control things. 

I'm going though. You know I am. 

I'm listening to another very good book. I was in despair that I would never find another good one that I had not listened to before. This one is "The Good Lord Bird" by James McBride. I read one of Mr. McBride's books a long time ago. It was "The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to his White Mother." Although I don't remember that much of it (and this was over twenty-something years ago), I remember that it was a very fine piece of writing and that I did enjoy it. "The Good Lord Bird" (which won the National Book Award in 2013) is a story told through the voice of a young enslaved boy whom John Brown stole from his master. Brown, for some reason, thinks the child is a girl and for most of the book, the he does present as one. It reminds me a little of Percival Everett's "James" as it sheds a different light on slavery and in this case, John Brown, the famous abolitionist. I am certain that McBride did a hell of a lot of research before he wrote the book. He was a journalist before he began writing books. 
Family lore has it that John Brown is an ancestor of mine. I wonder if this is true. He was certainly crazy enough for me to see a connection. If he was though, the religion part certainly didn't get passed down. 
Another reason I should start a genealogy project. 

Mr. Moon called when they got onshore an hour or so ago. I didn't even ask if they'd had another good day. I know they caught some fish because he said they had to clean the boat and clean the fish before he could drive home, IF he had the energy to drive home. I gave him my full blessing to stay another night if he wants. I hate the thought of him driving those back roads when he's as tired as I know he is after two hard days of fishing. He said he'd let me know. 

So it's been another day of too much heat for human comfort. Picking the beans was all I could do in the garden in the sun. Here are two pictures of the tomatoes I started from heirloom seeds that Jennifer sent me. 



We communicated today about our tomatoes and hers are being very slow to bloom and make fruit too. The plants look terrific so I'm not giving up hope. I think they're going to give me some beautiful tomatoes. And hell, I'm just proud that I started all those from seeds. 

Here's a picture of the little rose I pulled up in the field where I stopped to pee on a walk. 


It is not only still alive, but it looks healthy and happy. I have big hopes for it. I just have to figure out where I can plant it that it won't vine itself all over the damn yard. 

I did a little more weeding in the shade this afternoon and then a little more mending on a nightgown that I want to take with me to NC. I have so much to do before we leave. I have started a list and I need to get started on that tomorrow. 

I. Can. Do. This.

And one last thing- 48 years ago, FORTY-EIGHT YEARS AGO! I was in labor with Hank. I was in labor with that child for 28 hours. As you might imagine, it's a long story but the absolutely glorious love I felt for him the second he was born made it all worthwhile and I became a completely different person.  

We are going to meet up at Japanica! tomorrow to celebrate over lunch. I am looking forward to that. 

Love...Ms. Moon










38 comments:

  1. What book are you reading on the way to NC?

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    1. I love that you asked me that! We are discussing...

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  2. I can almost feel your anxiety through the screen. I hope you can enjoy that lunch and give Jack a scritch from me.

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  3. One foot in front of the other! Wish Hank a happy birthday from me, please.

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  4. A 28 hour labour sounds terrifying to me. I do 4-6 hours and that's bad enough!
    The rose looks like a rambler so it doesn't much matter where you plant it, it will vine itself all over unless you constantly cut it back.
    Have you considered planting less so that you don't reach the point of hating the sight of yet more beans or whatever? Don't be drastic about it, just plant 3/4 or maybe half the number of beans or other prolific producers.

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    1. Oh god yes. I am not going to plant a whole row of those beans again. Well, maybe I will but I will space them much further apart. Easier picking that way and fewer beans.

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  5. You will have a lovely time away and your plants and house and cats will be there when you get back. Can you give some beans away (can you post them to Australia?!)
    Just don't forget to breathe.

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    1. They would be magical beans for sure if they made it all the way to Australia and were still fit to eat!

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  6. 37paddington—I went to journalism school with James McBride, super talented writer and jazz musician, he had his pick of artistic lanes. And you know I understand the pre traveling angst. But NC will be wonderful once you get there. Happy birthday Hank! Enjoy his day tomorrow!

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    1. Oh, man. That is so cool. What is it about these writers who are also jazz players? Percival Everett plays jazz guitar very well, I hear. I wish I had a few stories in my pocket about McBride. This book is amazing. I need to read more of his work for sure.

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  7. Also, I hope Jack is ok. 37p

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  8. Although I love to travel I also get nervy before I go - could probably snap anyone's head off if they looked at me the wrong way! You go and you know you'll have a wonderful time don't you and then it'll be all the sweeter when you get back. Oh, and my tomatoes are having swimming lessons!

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    1. Getting a little rain there? We sure need some.
      Yes. Preparing to leave home is hard for me. Very hard.

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  9. Have you read The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman I think it would be a good holiday read for you lighthearted but a new slant on getting older.

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    1. I have read it. I enjoyed it but it's not really my cup of tea.

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  10. You truly need to get away before you work yourself to a frazzle. You WILL do this and enjoy it. Hell, you were in labor for 28 hours!

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    1. I know. I KNOW! But trust me- after a few hours of labor, if I could have quit, I would have.

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  11. I am going away on a trip this week too and have that same mixed sense of anticipation and anxiety and a certain little guilt that Jane is left with teh dog... But once I get going I'm sure it will be fine.
    North Carolina - how wonderful to be able to go there.

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    1. Yes. Guilt only adds its own special flavor to the whole sauce, doesn't it?
      North Carolina is a beautiful state.

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  12. Happy Birthday to Hank! And of course there is a sense in which it was your birth day too... you brought another human into the world. This was an act of creation that even Leonardo da Vinci could not outdo. With Glen by your side and The Weatherfields ahead I feel sure you will once again have a lovely break up in North Carolina - so chill out lady!

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    1. Yes indeed. I always tell women Happy Birth Day on their children's birthdays.
      I have felt more chill today. Thank you.

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  13. Happy Birthday Hank! I hope he has the best day! :)

    Your tomatoes look good. I'm finding more and more small green fruits forming, so maybe this year won't be a total loss as far as tomatoes go. I also wanted to tell you I picked a gallon bucket of beans yesterday! I cooked them for dinner and they were delicious, just like last time. I'll definitely grow them from now on!

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    1. I made a vow today not to plant so many of them next year. I think I'll plant the same length of a row but space out the plants a lot more. This is ridiculous. I want to yell at those beans to "Stop This Immediately!" But I do love them.

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  14. You know, you might be like me, just a bit. Getting ready to go some place is always a struggle, but once embarked, I enjoy myself. I'm always glad to come back home too.

    Wanted to make sure that you went back and read about canning jars. Your question led me right in to learning something new!

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  15. Making the transition from home to NC is bumpy...I truly suspect, once you are in your beautiful vacation home all will be well. Some R&R and fun times will be refreshing. Mark will take care of everything in Lloyd. As you state, he has a track record to prove it. No worries there. Happy B-day to Hank. Your B-day meal celebration with Hank sounds perfect.

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    1. I know that what you say is true. I also know that logic has nothing whatsoever to do with any of it. Now when it comes to my mind.
      Lunch was fun!

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  16. Don't you have some neighbors or friends who might like some of your vegetables? You could just tell them to come and pick what they want so it gets used but you don't have to deal with so much. That's what my brother does with his garden beds. We water for him when he is out of town and so we get to help ourselves and there's always enough for him and all of the helpers.

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    1. I should do that. I gave my next door neighbor some green beans once and she had no idea what to do with them though. Same with some fish Glen gave her.

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  17. I get it. I traveled every summer for 6 years from 2013 to 2018 and now I can't even imagine getting on a plane to anywhere. I didn't even want to go to Dallas earlier this year for a (Marc's family) nephew's bar mitzvah and so I didn't. he went, I stayed home and took care of the animals and had a few days to myself.

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    1. Glen's going out to Las Vegas in July to see a grand-niece play volleyball. I was invited. It took me less than half a second to say, "No thank-you."

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  18. I was in labor for 28 hours with my son too. Induced because my water broke. I remember getting strapped down at one point because I had had enough of the labor pains, said I had changed my mind about having a baby and was going to leave. Probably why he’s an only child. Hope Jacks issues are manageable. Happy birthday to Hank!!
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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    1. This wasn't induced labor. I did most of it at home and so no one was fiddling with me which I am grateful for. The doctor old me afterwards that he had been almost certain he was going to have to do a C-section. Fooled him.

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  19. Happy HankDay everyday! Clearly he had a "time" getting here!
    28 hours is 26 hours too long!
    You will have a fine time- "get out"!! Stop your brain and just enjoy the ride! That is what we are here for , pretty much.

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    1. I know I'll have a good gime, Linda Sue. Thank you for reminding me. And you are right about labor. Sheesh.

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