I got that done yesterday and for whatever reason, it gives me a huge sense of accomplishment. So much of what I do doesn't seem to make much difference at all which is basically how "woman's work" works. It is the constant running on the hamster wheel of doing one little thing after another that keeps it all moving. But once in awhile, a chore gets done that is noticeable. And with that comes a certain satisfaction.
I have not felt much satisfaction today. I have been anxious and have spent the day catastrophizing and beating myself up. It started when I woke up to find no Mr. Moon in the house. Then I remembered that he had to be at Tom's early to meet with a plumber but in the seconds before I remembered that, I absolutely thought, Well, he's finally done it. He's gotten so sick of me and my craziness that he's left.
Seriously.
And it's gone from there.
I went to the post office and my two dresses had arrived. Hurray! Brought them home, thought one of them was fine, while the other one is too large and, in fact, makes me look like a plump little child wearing her mother's silk nightgown. Plus, the style of it does not suit me.
Not the look I was going for there.
Later on when I decided to wear the dress that did work to go do my shopping in I realized that with a bra on it does not fit me very well and in fact, is a little snug and instead of looking like a plump child in it, I merely look like the fat old lady I am.
Nothing really looks good on me and the shame I hold due to being overweight causes me such great mental anguish which I know is ridiculous but here we are. I compare myself to everyone I see in public who is anywhere near my age. This is not a healthy thing to do if one is seven years old, seventeen years old, or seventy years old. But I can remember comparing the size of my thighs when I was sitting on the edge of a pool at the age of seven or eight with the other girls' thigh thickness. And of course I did it at seventeen. Did I look like Twiggy? Did I look like Joni Mitchell? Did I look like Joanna C. who was in all my classes?
No. I did not. I did not compare favorably to any of them when it came to thinness. Did I then begin to count every calorie I put into my mouth including those from a piece of gum?
Yes. Yes I did. And did I beat myself up if I exceeded eight hundred calories a day? Oh, you know I did.
I have told these stories before.
Always the same sad song.
So that happened wherein I was reminded that not only am I a bigger woman than I want to be, I am also mentally unhealthy for my lifelong obsession with my size.
Lily called and asked me if this summer I could perhaps do something with her children on Thursdays and/or Fridays because both she and Lauren are at work and although Owen is surely old enough to babysit, it's probably pretty boring for the kids, just being at home, and that's a lot on Owen. Of course I will! But today I just did not have it in me and that made me feel incredibly guilty. I will gladly take those kiddos to the river or to lunch or bring them here to play or...whatever. But today wasn't the day and saying "no" to anything my children ask of me (and they don't ask much) is almost impossible and it makes me feel so selfish and so inadequate as a mother, as a grandmother.
So there was that, too.
I did stay busy all day long. I picked another gallon of beans or something close to that and I washed the sheets and did other laundry and I went to Costco and Publix and got what we needed, came home, unloaded everything, put everything away, made up the bed with the clean sheets, folded and put away the rest of the laundry. I ate my healthy lunch of a bowl of black bean soup and then felt guilty in Publix because I bought two different cuts of pork. I compared myself to other women. I got called "m'am" by an old man and I know he was an old man because he was wearing a shirt that said, "Don't Underestimate An Old Man."
Ah well. This was just one of those days. And even as I obsess over all of these things, I know how lucky I am to be relatively healthy, to have the energy to do what I do, to have the husband that I have who has not left me due to my craziness and who looks so handsome in his new glasses. And let us not forget that I don't even have to think about what my groceries cost. The fact that the machine at Public that takes your debit card was being ornery was more of an irritation than what my can of stewed tomatoes cost is a telling detail.
Glen got the yard mowed this afternoon AFTER he'd helped get Tom's Tiny Home hooked up to water and the septic tank and tied it down. He does not complain, he does not whine. He appears to love me as I am which is almost impossible for me to believe.
It is Friday. The martini glasses are in the freezer. We have crab legs thawing for our supper. (CRAB LEGS!) And there are those clean sheets on the bed.
The Weatherfords made it safely to Black Mountain and all is well. I know they are glad to be there. Jessie said it was cool enough last night to sleep under a duck and a fuzzy blanket. She took a walk this morning down to their own little piece of land where they're going to move their RV.
He responded, "Jeebus. You can stop whenever you like, Mary. This isn't Little House on the Prairie."
I texted back, "But I'm a peasant and I love growing and canning my own food."
And dear Billy said, "And I love whatever makes you happy so please continue."
You are perfect as you are Mary. Please stop whipping yourself. I know you don't do this all the time but when you do it makes me feel rather sad. Your blogposts prove over and over again how loved you are and how central you are to the well-being of your family. Perhaps on your 70th birthday every jigsaw piece will fall into place and you will finally be completely grown up. I hope so.
ReplyDeleteI seriously doubt that I'll be magically changing. I wish I could.
DeleteI was gliding through my daily small tasks (as you described so well) with my plump body all unthought of till my skinny little old mom with her skinny little old helper came by and I felt their skinny looks... Bah!
ReplyDeleteI know those skinny looks.
DeleteThat back sidewalk is beautiful. OK, you remember this one: A man works from sun to sun; a woman's work is never done. If we're not actually busy, we get busy. Idle hands were drilled out of us. What you say you do all day computes for me as a woman's work never done. Little stuff multiplies and consumes all the time in a day. The only board meetings we call involve a couple of cats.
ReplyDeleteYou need some more littles in your life. Littles can snap beans, help shopping, help hang laundry, take it down and fold it, unload cars, put away groceries. Gives them a sense of purpose and you're teaching them how to live. You still have every day to live, so enjoy it and enjoy the grands.
Yes, you are right but littles are generally hungry and often get bored and would really rather just watch a screen of some sort. But I do want to involve Lily's kids in my life more this summer. And involve my life with theirs.
DeleteI will second what YP says. Well stated, YP. Regarding your new dresses, can you make a few alterations? Sometimes with a bit of customization all is well. Also, I have to say, you looked stunning in your lovely blue dress at Owen's graduation.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is customization to be done. Perhaps. But as I said, the style of the one that's bigger just does not suit me. I think that I either need to find someone else who would want it or else cut it all up and make something new. I doubt that's going to happen.
DeleteYou are enough! I have spoke. I won't tell you how to feel!
ReplyDeleteYou are precious.
DeleteI went skiing once w/a boyfriend in college (first and last time). We had to give our weight to the guy at the counter; something about calibrating the skis or the bindings. I have no idea. Anyway, I weighed 130 pounds and I whispered it to him. I'm almost 5'10" tall, and I was in really good shape. And I stood there whispering my weight like an idiot. I will never forget that.
ReplyDeleteOh my god. That's so crazy. Bless your sweet heart.
DeleteI think YP and Joanne and Boud are spot on; You are enough and good as you are!
ReplyDeleteI'm just like Jack Handy, I guess.
DeleteHappy Clean Sheets Day :)
ReplyDeleteThat little patch by the steps looks so lovely now it is cleared.
Too bad about those dresses though. It's often best to try things on in shops and find the brands that do "your" size before buying online I think.
There are some very pricey brands that I love and can get much cheaper on eBay and that's what I'm trying to do. Which in and of itself is ridiculous. I can't remember the last time I tried clothing on in a shop.
DeleteThe things we do to ourselves! When your life finally comes to an end in 30 or 40 years I don’t think your final thought will be, “I wish my thighs were slimmer.” I would find that work (at top) very satisfying. There is absolutely nothing in this post that even hints at Narcissist. Hope the martinis, crab legs, and clean sheets helped!
ReplyDelete30 or 40 years! Ha! Ironically, my legs are still the shapeliest part of me! The martinis did help. The crab legs and clean sheets did not hurt.
DeleteI had a guess at what " ornery" means, but I looked it up as well, just to be sure! I was nearly right.
ReplyDeleteHope that you enjoyed your martini and clean sheets and Mr Moon!
It is cold again here today.....only 12C at the moment ( 9am nearly) but there is a chilly wind too that was breezing in through my bedroom window and making my hands cold as I read my book earlier.
I like the word "ornery." To me it sounds like what it means.
DeleteThat's too cold! Stay warm.
Some of the signs of a narcissist are
ReplyDeleteSense of self-importance
Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success
Entitled
Can only be around people who are important or special
Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
Arrogant
Lack empathy
Must be admired
Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them
You have none of these. I'm not a psychologist but the things you describe and experience sound more like past trauma, which I know did happen to you. You're not a narcissist sweetie, you were severely traumatized by your stepfather and your mother. You're a survivor. Sending hugs and love.
Now see- I read that list and I think I check almost every sign. Is that good or bad?
DeleteI wish you could celebrate the Mary Moon we all see. I'm so happy to have found your blog and you have helped me so often with your words of wisdom, humor, and loving posts! xxoo
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ellen. I am glad you found my blog too.
DeleteOK, I got a good laugh out of Billy's comment, even if it did make you cry!
ReplyDeleteThis is how much of a flatlander I am: When I look at that North Carolina property, I think, "How the heck are they going to build a house on that?" But of course there's this thing called engineering and besides, people have built on much hillier property.
You are absolutely not a narcissist. Trust me on this. (Maybe I'm the narcissist because I'm insisting that you trust me?) I also never thought of you as overweight. And you know, I used to do that thigh comparison thing too. I always had fat thighs, even as a kid.
(Not that you have fat thighs!)
DeleteAnd when I look at that NC property I wonder how they climb all those hills all the time?
DeleteOf course I trust you Steve because you ARE trustworthy.
And thank you for saying you don't think of me as overweight. You haven't seen me in years!
it's hot and muggy here but not so dry as it's been since we've been getting some rain yesterday and last Tuesday and supposed to rain more today. We'll see. I have abandoned my yard and the things I need to do since the surprise waiting for me at the ER and the ablation waiting for me on Tuesday. figured it would not be helpful to get overheated right now.
ReplyDeletenext time you wake up and Mr Moon is nowhere around, check his closet and dresser. if his clothes are still there, you're good.
It has not rained here in awhile. Not any decent amount, anyway. We're watering the garden every other day at this point. We've got to get more mulch down.
DeleteI don't recommend that you get overheated either. This is not the time for that.
In that one second that I thought that perhaps Glen had left me, I did think, "I'll go check his closet." Do you think I have abandonment issues?
Inadequacy feelings can dredge up and we know we're doing it, but sometimes it's difficult to be as Kind to ourselves as we would be to others. You are a Kind person, so, just do for you what you know you'd encourage for anyone else, nothing wrong with some self encouragement and cheerleading every now and again. As for Weight, we are a Weight conscious Society and Visually biased. For me growing up I was very Skinny and people could be very inconsiderate and cruel about that too, even being less sensitive than they would be for someone overweight. I've been both, still am bigger than I wanna be now, but nobody says the offensive things they did when I was very Thin. I once had a complete stranger come up to me when I was in my 20's and put his hands around my Waist without permission and loudly said, Wow, my Hands fit around your whole Waist! I was mortified. And if you were top heavy yet thin people assumed your Tits were fake. The big thing back then was Bra Stuffing and a gag would be to pull the TP or Kleenex out of a Girl's Bra to deflate the illusion. Well, I can't begin to tell you how many Guys and Gals tried to do that and then were mortified they had actually touched the Real Deal without my permission and much to my horror at being unintentionally felt up! So, I do understand the Body Shaming thing that can surface, even if we do it to ourselves. Big Hugs, hopefully this too shall pass and you'll be Centered and feeling uplifted again soon.
ReplyDelete37paddington: we are sisters for sure. I so totally understand that jarring moment of waking up and your person isn’t there and the disorientation of that. I’m glad you wrote about it because sometimes that helps, to get it out of your head, to look at it plain and decide oh well, nothing to do but keep on. Carry on, dear Mary. Here’s my hand.
ReplyDelete