Yesterday's major decrease in anxiety was a temporary thing, I discovered this morning upon awakening. I am now in the hanging-on-by-my-fingernails, white-knuckling-it phase of it being two days before my doctor's appointment.
Not to be too crude but I am fucking quaking here although I am trying to act "normal" which I am pretty darn good at because I am obviously an Oscar-winning-level performer. See how jokey all this sounds?
I know I've said this before but despite me trying desperately for most of my life to get to the root of this doctor anxiety, I simply can't. I know I've had it forever. I can distinctly remember feeling what can only be called terror when I had to accompany my mother to the doctor's office for an appointment of hers. It may simply be a matter of shots. I do know that I got hysterical when I got my first flu shot and the second one too. It took my mother and a nurse and the doctor to hold me down. But I have no problem getting injections now. It may have started that way though. And when I was a kid, you got a damn penicillin shot every time you went to the doctor, no matter what your problem was. In the butt.
That could be a clue.
So. La-di-dah. It'll all be over Monday by noon, most likely, although another thing not helping with my anxiety is the fact that we very well may be getting hit by a category 4 hurricane next Thursday or Friday. Things are just not looking good for us. Or Cuba.
The temperatures in Gulf waters now are at a record high (huh- go figure) and although at this moment, Ian is only a tropical storm, there seems to be no disagreement on the fact that it will become a hurricane, fueled by the hot seawater as it passes over. And as you can see from the spaghetti model, there's not much disagreement on the general area it's going to effect, either.
Aw, shit, y'all. I hate this. This waiting to see and then trying to prepare and the dread and the worry...
It's not my favorite part of living in Florida.
We are in a good position here in that this house has been standing for 163 years and is strong and is sturdy. Also- we have the Cadillac of generators and if the power goes out (and if we get a fairly direct hit, it surely will) we will not suffer from no electricity. Also, we are on "city" water so we'll have running water.
We are so lucky!
But if you've ever, EVER spent a night listening to winds over a hundred miles an hour blowing outside with rain pouring down in amounts you did not know possible and the sound of trees crashing all about you, you know that no matter how good you have it, it's still a terrifying experience.
Ooh boy. This is not helping my anxiety.
I tried to deal with things today by getting in the garden and weeding. I did that and while I was out there, I pulled more sweet potatoes that had already sent up more shoots and leaves. Most of them were just little ol' skinny things, not worth keeping, but I do have this one rooting in a glass vessel that came in Linda Sue's last box.
"Is that a sweet potato?" asked Mr. Moon.
"Yes," I said. "I am going to root it."
"That shouldn't be too hard," he said. We will never, ever be rid of all of the sweet potato vines in the garden and that's just the truth. They are voracious growers!
The arugula will need thinning this week if I get around to it and I will be throwing those tiny sproutlings into a salad where they will spice it up, despite their tiny size. That is something good to look forward to.
And oh! Lucky crowed today. So there is no more doubt in the world that he is a rooster, as if there any doubt about it before.
So that's been our day. I've felt like it was Sunday all day long with my feelings of dread and existential angst. How I love a weekend with TWO Sundays.
I went to the FGDDG a little while ago to buy milk and half and half. I am going to make some comfort food in the form of snapper flakes au gratin, hopefully like they used to make at the much loved and much mourned Angelo's restaurant downtown. The guy who checked me out at the Dollar General was a fine-looking young man with tiny braids. I asked him how he liked working there and he said he likes it very much. I'm glad of that. I told him that it was weird but nice to be able to buy things like milk and half and half in Lloyd. And it is. Both. While I was there I saw one man buying one cigar and one woman buying a few food items and a large container of laundry detergent.
All right. Off to make a lovely sauce and a nice salad. I really do make good salads and soon I will be making even better ones from the garden.
If a hurricane doesn't rip my baby greens out of the soil in which they live, causing lettuce infanticide.
I may pour myself a large glass of vodka too.
Hang in there my friend. The doctor visit will be behind you soon. Vodka may be just the thing in the meantime. I pray the hurricane misses you and in general wimps out, missing everyone. Too much to hope for perhaps.ReplyDelete
I think it is too much to hope for that this storm is not going to cause a hell of a lot of damage somewhere. Now we just wait to see where that place will be.Delete
As you know my son is also called Ian and he is a gentle, peace-loving guy so I guess that the forthcoming hurricane will be too. If you doubt me you could always become a Born Again Christian and pray for salvation.ReplyDelete
Oh, how I wish it worked that way! Pretty sure it's too late for me and salvation, at least in the Christian sense.Delete
Oh dear you have plenty to worry about imagine a city girl like me moving to the country and finding out when the power goes out there is no water.ReplyDelete
That's if you have a well and a pump. And honestly, doing without water is worse than doing without electricity.Delete
So sorry for the anxiety. But, as you say, over on Monday.ReplyDelete
Your description of the storm was exactly what we went through with Sandy. The noise alone was scary, and the tearing and crashing of trees, and the roof creaking and trying to lift. It broke right overhead here. Still repairing damage.
I hope you're spared.
Thanks, Liz. It is definitely not something that anyone wishes to go through. The storm, I mean. The doctor's appointment anxiety is of course entirely illogical and yet, knowing that doesn't help in the least.Delete
I'm going to pour myself a shot of frozen vodka and down it for you. I am sending you love and strength from the west coast.ReplyDelete
Thank you, love! I do appreciate that.Delete
Dr anxiety (I *get it*).....will be over Monday, thankfully. But.....the hurricane.....I've been thinking about you in that regard....preparing.....always hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Your house has withstood the test of time, so that hopefully is some comfort. She's seen worse, I'm sure. Not much consolation........but perhaps a bit. And yes, a tot of vodka might help tonight and tomorrow. Are martini's made with vodka? or gin? Perhaps half an Ativan Monday morning might help too! I always opt for half of a Xanax (I have so few that I must use sparingly) prior to my rare Dr visitsReplyDelete
Our martinis are made with vodka. And there is no doubt that I will be taking at least a small amount of Ativan tomorrow morning although they are over three years old. I took one today and it didn't seem to do much. Worth a try, though.Delete
Your childhood experience and subsequent fear of doctors equates with mine and dentists. Like you a total irrational, but nonetheless terrifying, fearful anticipation. Vodka and ativan sound like the perfect way to manage this! As for the hurricane, I shall hold you in my thoughts. I just wrote about my experience with a particular typhoon as a child in Hong Kong and then decided those aren't the words you need to read right now! So I shall thank you for the idea of putting arugula sprouts in my salads when the time comes to thin them out. I guess you could use any sprouts that are thinned.ReplyDelete
Oh, honey! Don't try to spare my feelings by not posting your thoughts on a childhood storm you lived through!Delete
Yes- all of the sprouts of the baby plants are sweet and delicious in salads. Well, except for arugula sprouts which are delicious and spicy.
How I hope the hurricane peuters out. That's how my b-i-l says peters out, and it always made the event seem far less ominous. Two feet of snow? I probably will peuter out before it crosses the ridge.ReplyDelete
Despite the fact that all of the different hurricane tracking agencies seem to predict different paths, they all seem to be agreed that this storm is going to get big. It ain't gonna peuter out. Oh, how I wish!Delete
I share your anxiety about doctors (and dentists). I refuse to go to a doctor unless I am broken and bleeding. I see no point in going to doctor for any other reason. That is the skinniest sweet potato I have ever seen in all of my days but it does look nice in the vessel! Like a science experiment. My map tells me that you are safe in Lloyd- nothing but a whisper of wind...ReplyDelete
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That comment was NOT removed by the author! Unless there was more. I wish I was brave enough to just let go of feeling the need to get check-ups. I can foresee that in my future, though. I can't keep going through this.Delete
Thank your map for me. I'll let you know how accurate it is.
I understand the anxiety about the hurricane, I would be worried too. But I don't understand the deep-seated anxiety about the doctor, I never will, and I am so sorry you have to deal with that. What exactly is half and half? The au gratin is bound to be delicious. I'm glad Lucky is a rooster.ReplyDelete
Half and half is half milk, half cream. A lot of people put it in their coffee. It is good in sauces. Be so grateful you do not have the doctor anxiety. It is hell.Delete
Oh lordy, that's a lot on your plate isn't it. I agree though - pretend it's Friday and knock back a martini!ReplyDelete
Good advice in times like these.Delete
I would be much more worried about the hurricane than the doc! I would want an underground bunker to hide in !ReplyDelete
Well, any logical person would be. And after my appointment tomorrow I will shift all of my anxiety over to the storm. Bunkers would be good.Delete
I saw that hurricane tracking yesterday, day before headed straight for you. It's been such a quiet season so far. Hope you only get the edge.ReplyDelete
Penicillin in the butt. Oh yeah, I remember that. I used to get tonsillitis all the time as a little kid, eventually got my tonsils removed, but before that my dad, who was a doctor, would bring home the shot and give it to me and one time I was so not wanting a shot in the butt that I had clenched up so tight that when he stuck me the needle broke and he had to get some pliers to pull it out.
Okay. So. You were the very definition of a tight ass as a child. I am PROUD of you, Ellen- you showed him! Are you traumatized for life?Delete
Well, I still hate to get shots in the butt.Delete
Your comment about being in bed at night hearing those hurricane sounds hit the nail on the head. You people in the panhandle get more than your share of it. Anxiety in anticipation seems like a normal reaction.ReplyDelete
Yes. The damn panhandle of Florida must have some sort of storm magnet buried within it. Seems like we get them all.Delete
I was just reading about that storm in the NYT. Believe me, with that thing hovering out there, I can understand your anxiety. I remember getting shots in the butt but I have no memory of what they were. I'm allergic to penicillin so it wasn't that.ReplyDelete
I wonder what they gave you. Some penicillin substitute.
You know about hurricanes. You know how this feels.
I'm so glad you're so well-prepared for summbitch Ian. I was really dreading a direct hit here in New Orleans so while the westward shift gave me relief I now have other people to worry about. I know you're old hat with this and you're with the most capable man on the planet, and I'll be thinking of you with much love.ReplyDelete
Well, no matter how prepared we are or how capable, if a tree falls on the house, that's that. You understand. I am truly grateful for your thoughts, honey.Delete
The Maritimes was hit by Hurricane Fiona and it looks gruesome, lots of flooding and downed trees and powerlines. I would be anxious too.ReplyDelete
Sending hugs and hoping the doctor's appointment goes well. It seems like you were just there.
It's been a over a year since I saw him last for myself.Delete
Yes. Fiona did some major damage.
A friend of mine once told me not to cross my bridges before I come to them and that was the best anti anxiety advice I ever had. I think it's because I really trusted her. Still, you will be glad when it's all through, so I'm sending you good vibes.ReplyDelete
All of the best advice in the world seems to do nothing for this anxiety. If there were any logic to it at all, it might. At least I recognize that lack of logic. That doesn't help either though.Delete