Today has been an odd and uncomfortable day for me. I woke up from the most horrific dreams of blood and murder and viewed from a distance, it's almost as if I translated the slaughter of my chickens to a human tale with a human fox who murdered over and over and over with no one to stop him. Not a good way to wake up at all.
And I was anxious and feeling as if perhaps reality was far less tangible than usual which is frightening in itself.
Not good, not good, not good.
I thought about the post I published last night and I felt as if I should delete it. Was it braggy? Oh, look at me, I used to be a regular Mother Theresa or something. But the fact of the matter is, I did those things. But haven't we all done things like that? To take care of dear ones who need tending is not a holy thing, it is a human thing.
And I am so very, very human. Nothing else. And as I said, I can't imagine doing things like that now whereas I know people who have spent their entire lives doing for others and I'm not talking about people who are trying to pile up gold in heaven, either. People who are just plain good.
Which I am not. Not really.
Anyway, I had my breakfast and then went to take my medications. I'm on a few for depression and anxiety and blood pressure- you know, the regular, I guess, and I realized that I had not taken my meds yesterday. Which explained a whole lot. It was comforting in a way. Chemicals. It's all chemicals.
And scary in another way. What if I got cut off from my chemicals?
It would not be pretty.
I took a walk. Far off in the distance in front of me, I saw someone who was also walking the sidewalk. I thought maybe it was No Man Lord who would reach his property before I caught up with him. But as I drew closer, I could see that it was someone I didn't know and it appeared that he may have started his Labor Day celebrations early. His gait was off but after a certain age, whose isn't? It looked like perhaps his pants were falling down but surely that couldn't be. I mean, yes, there is that style with waistbands down below jockey shorted butts, but this didn't seem like that. And then he fumbled for the back of his britches, trying to pull them up and I decided that whatever was going on there wasn't something I wanted to deal with so I turned around and walked down to the nearby bridge over what is probably a small offshoot of Lloyd Creek (why don't I know?) which is where I took the picture above. I crossed to the other side and there I saw turtles sunning on a log in the way they do and I took their picture.
I didn't.
Chemicals included.
I'm glad you found out at least some of the reasons for your down and sad mood. I wonder if the walking helped. They say it does.
ReplyDeleteI could deal with doll pictures every time I come in here.
Walking does help, I guess. At least it burns off some of the anxiety jitters and makes me feel as if I've accomplished something.
DeleteThank you for liking my doll pictures.
37paddington:
ReplyDeletePlease do not take down yesterday’s post. It did not read the way you fear at all. It felt like you were fondly remembering people with whom you forged a deep connection, based simply on being loving, being human, being you. It was a special time in your life. It could even have been karmic, who knows. What I do know is that it was sincere and beautiful, and feels deeply true to who you still are. As for your dreams, of course you’re traumatized. I wish I could give you a great big non virtual hug but this virtual one I’m sending will have to do.
Oh, how I wish I could give YOU a real hug in real life with our real hearts beating right there. Thank you. I love you so.
DeleteI thought yesterday's post was beautiful and heartfelt. You're so honest in your writing. The good, bad, warts and all. That makes you human....and special in my thinking.
ReplyDeleteThat was one whopper of an egg! Wow! I'm no egg-pert, but that looked like a duck egg or some larger fowl. I rely on store bought eggs and you almost need a magnifying glass to see them. The taste in kind of non-existent.
Take care. Fee better. Isn't Dorothy Anne getting a sibling soon?
Paranormal John
As I said- I am so very, very human indeed.
DeleteThat is a largish egg for sure. And Grace is just a regular-sized hen. She gives it her all! I am grateful for her. Store bought eggs just don't taste right to us anymore.
Dorothy Anne is indeed getting a sibling soon. We just haven't made the connection yet. Hank and Rachel are both so very busy working.
I wish you had a safer place to walk. I worry about your safety.
ReplyDeleteOh, I think it's safe here. All of the people who live on the roads where I walk sort of know me, recognize me for sure, and I feel very safe around them. We wave and smile. I walked a few times in a local wildlife area and that did not feel very safe so I quit doing it. Thank you, Carol.
DeleteYou call things, warts and all, yourself included so don't even think about taking down that post.
ReplyDeleteI understand the anxiety riddled feeling of not taking your meds and it can take a day or so to settle down. I hope you're feeling better. Also you have been dealing with a lot with the violent loss of your chooks and some dredging up of the past - good and bad. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.
Thank you, Ms. Sparkling. I appreciate those very sweet words.
DeleteI guess that I don't understand why you'd be worried about yesterday's post. You did a kind thing and all these years later, that kindness still brings you joy. That seems like a message for our times, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteNow you've got me thinking. Am I a bragger? I don't mean to be, but looking out for the people who come my way is my way of living a joyful life and of feeling useful. As a person who has struggled with depression for most of my life, I delight in those moments.
So many of us struggle with depression, don't we? I wonder if this is a product of the life and times in which we're living. We are certainly not evolved to live the sort of life we find ourselves in. That has to contribute. But doing real things does help. Good for you for looking out for those who come your way. That is very real.
DeleteLove you. Things are hard, and I'm glad you are in the world. xoxo
ReplyDeleteMe too you, sweetie.
DeleteYour turtle analogy is perfect. I love you, too, and I'm grateful that you're in the world.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am so grateful you are in THE world and in MY world.
Delete"People who are just plain good. Which I am not."
ReplyDeleteYES, you are.
I suspect, as you did, the missed medications had a lot to do with the dreams and feeling off. I see no imperfections in Lisi's new dress, It's beautiful with the ladybug button and the lace at the hem.
I'm sure the missed doses had something to do with it all. Damn that dream sucked. Thank you for noticing the button and the lace.
DeleteLisi is amassing quite a wardrobe. Lovely new dress! Her face makes me think that somewhere in the world there is/was a child that looked just like her. She has such a specific "human" look, not like a doll at all! Do you know what I mean?
ReplyDeletePS Yesterdays post was just fine....you are too hard on yourself!
Yes, I agree with you. Lisi must be based on a real human child. That's why I call her "the little human doll."
DeleteI never once thought your post yesterday sounded like bragging. As you said, you did those things, and you simply related them.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's a good thing that character pulling up his pants made you change routes. You got to see the turtles and explore some different territory.
I've also felt sort of "off" lately. Sunspots?
You're right about the turtles. And honestly, I just feel uncomfortable catching up and passing anyone on a walk. Another one of my quirks.
DeletePerhaps we are having sunspots. And of course Mercury must be in retrograde! Whatever the hell that means.
I didn't think you were bragging yesterday. I really think you are a kind person. Hope you feel better soon and have sweet dreams!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I did have a sweet dream last night. Thank you.
DeleteOh Mary, we are hardest on ourselves aren't we? Of course your previous post was fine. Dreams can leave me feeling funky all day too. I don't even have to be able to remember them in detail, just have a sense of it being disturbing. It makes sense though that the deaths of your chickens would translate into your dream of a serial killer.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear no casualties among the last two so far.
Yes! Exactly! We have a serial killer here on our property. And we can't seem to get rid of it. So depressing.
DeleteAs long as we remember to shut the sliding door into the hen house, I think the two chickens will be okay.
I had dreams like those last week, quite overwhelming. I wonder about the use of taking my antidepressants sometimes. How hard would it be to wean myself off them? Would I still get depressed? I still get depressed taking them so is it even worth the hassle? So many questions.
ReplyDeleteThere is a sea change happening here in my household. I'm so tired of my husband's chronic anger, at his pushing away of everyone, of his silence. I have my own anger that I worked many years to deal with and now his anger is starting to infect me and I don't like it. Sigh. The worst part is I can't write about it because it would upset him so much but you also know that writing is how I sort things out. Time will tell I suppose.
Thank you for letting me write here. You are hard on yourself, are all women? It seems so. We apologize for surviving, for doing hard things. Why is that? I am no different.
Sending hugs and the dress looks lovely. A petticoat sounds like an excellent idea.
It is quite a process to wean off anti-depressants, I think. And then, if it turns out that you still need them (and it would be obvious if you did) all that would have been for nothing. But hey! Worth a try, right?
DeleteMaybe?
Damn. Sorry to hear about your husband's anger. That sucks to live with. And I do understand about not being able to write about something. When we write about things we can then get a grip on how we truly feel, I think. At least that's how it works for me.
And yes, I think that most women are hard on themselves. What was/is the purpose of this evolved trait? Or is it just cultural? I don't know.
I think it would be fun to make a petticoat.
I think women are hard on themselves because of society and culture. Because god forbid women should let the world know how strong we are, it would scare the bejesus out of most men.
Delete