I had a much-needed day out of Lloyd today. My mental health is going south fast, spending all of my days and nights here in this house and on this property. I'm extremely grateful that I have a large, rambley house and a couple of acres because if I lived in an apartment I think I'd go mad. I don't know how those of you who have been limited to a mostly smaller area have done it.
Last night I hit a pandemic wall. Jessie had gotten home from work (she spent her first two days back on the floor at the hospital!) to find August coughing again. Did I tell you that although he tested positive for Covid on Wednesday he tested negative on Friday? Neither one rapid tests, either. So. He probably did not have Covid to begin with but he did have something and we all know that I gave it to him.
I just couldn't deal with it. I cried. Levon and Jessie are fine now and of course August could have picked up what he has at school but all of a sudden, all of the isolating and quarantining just stabbed my heart and I felt so very low that even the drops of Eucalyptus oil I sprinkle in my shower which generally delight me and soothe me immensely did nothing for me. I leaned my head against the wall of the shower and inhaled and just felt so blue.
It's all been...a lot. Even for someone who loves nothing more than to stay home and who does get to see her family and her grandchildren. I guess I hit a breaking point.
I knew we had to go to town to sign a lease today and I had other errands to run and I picked up some things that Jessie needed at Costco and took them by her house. The boys rushed out to see me and my heart felt so much better. August seems okay and only coughed a few times while I was there. He seemed to not want to stop holding on to me or hugging me or touching my hair which is not like August who is not a physically affectionate boy but today he was. And not because he felt sick. I think he feels pretty good. Maybe he's just missed me. Whatever, I loved it.
The boys got my phone and started taking pictures. Levon obviously took these.
I read the boys a book and then August forced me into playing Uno and I suppose that eventually I'll learn to play that game. He knows ALL the rules and cards and at one point I looked at Jessie and said, "Why aren't children this age running the world?"
"I don't know," she said. "They should be."
This makes a great deal of sense and I could hardly argue with that logic although I did not google how to make my brain focus and I just let him tell me the rules. Which he did.
So that was a beautiful visit and then I had to go to Publix after which I stopped very briefly at the library because it was getting late and I needed to get home.
When I was at Costco, I saw Brenda with the Beautiful Eye-Shadow and she told me the story of her family getting covid. They're all fine but they did go through it. I just love that girl. I'm glad they all came through unscathed.
And now I'm home and it's rainy again, the sun obviously having forgotten how to shine and it's chilly and damp. Funny how humidity makes the heat feel hotter and the cold feel colder, isn't it? But it truly does. I guess that everything is relative whether it's what we see or feel, hear, taste, or smell. Roquefort cheese smells like heaven to some people and like the nastiest dirty socks in the world to others. I go around seeing mostly chests and faces and my husband sees scalps and the tops of refrigerators.
This is hardly profound.
Which reminds me- I got a grilled shrimp po' boy for my lunch before I went to Jessie's house and while we were talking I told her, "Well, I have truly decided something today."
"What?" she asked, possibly thinking that perhaps I'd made progress in some sort of end of life planning or something equally serious. Jessie does worry about these things, as well she should.
"I've decided that fried shrimp is a hell of a lot better than grilled shrimp."
"Yeah," I said. "It was a real epiphany."
Your mental health is going south? Frankly, I don't believe it. I have been following your unfolding life story for quite a while now and to me you are one of the sanest people I have ever met - even though I have never met you in what we call "real life". Maybe my mental health is going south!ReplyDelete
Thank you, Mr. P. I appreciate your view on my mental health. I hope you're right it.Delete
You and I are about the same height. I often wish I could see and do things as a taller person. But then I see Dennis crouched over trying to find something in the fridge that is in plain view to me and realize I am happy just my height. I think being taller than average is more of a burden than being shorter than average. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Hope you feel a little more balanced after your day out and about.ReplyDelete
I am pretty sure that Glen would not trade being tall for being of more normal height. He always says he can see everything that's going on and mostly, I think he can. Now- as to the refrigerator thing...not so much.Delete
In the sixties or so I told my BFF I'd get her a big shirt like mine to wear to our exercise class. I got it and when I saw her in it, I laughed and laughed. Mine covered my butt, hers hung to her knees. Mine fit well, hers was small across the chest. I announced something was wrong with the shirt since we were the same size. She informed me people are the the size we perceive them, and I perceived her my height, not two inches shorter, and my size, not ten or more pounds heavier.ReplyDelete
People are the size we perceive them. Test those boys some day and see how tall they perceive the adults in their lives.
I think you are exactly right. That's so funny that you thought you and your friend were the same size. You must have been so shocked to realize that you weren't!Delete
I will ask the children how big they think their parents and aunts and uncles are.
Interesting about the viewpoint of people of different heights. Also people who use wheelchairs are at a much lower height than other adults. It all affects how much information you get from where you are.ReplyDelete
I think a lot of us are closer to the edge than we say we are. I notice doctors routinely ask how we're coping with covid. My son's dentist asked him last week!
I really have to force myself into the car these days, so nervous about driving and being out. But I think it's good to do it, though I'd be just as happy never leaving the house again! So much to occupy myself.
I don't think of myself as someone who needs much socialization and I don't think I do but as a human, I believe I need some. We probably all do. And perhaps for those of us who don't realize that need, we don't perceive covid as affecting us as much as it does. I think that's possible.Delete
I'd love a big rambly house, but now that I live in just 400 square feet, I've gotten a bit lazy about daily cleaning of floors, so maybe I should just dream about the house. None of my family or friends living in my state have had covid, but my grand daughter and her fiance in another state have both had it and are now recovered.ReplyDelete
Daily cleaning of floors? What? Is that a thing? Bless you!Delete
I'm glad your granddaughter and her fiance are recovered! May there be no lingering aftereffects!
I'm so glad you got to see Jessie and the boys and that August is doing ok. And of course you know he could have picked up covid anywhere - you didn't give it to him! As for Mr. Moon being tall, heck the job possibilites are endless - a top-of-the-fridge cleaner, a supermarket shelf-stacker! Oh to be tall!ReplyDelete
At this point, I'm thinking that August didn't even really have covid. I know that in the PCR tests, false positives are rare but I suppose they can occur.Delete
It is very handy to have a tall man around. He'll see me get out the stepladder and say, "Let me do it. It's so easy for me." And it is.
Part of the low, for me, is the sick feeling I get every single time that I feel the least bit unwell (no pun intended). I just have this awful fear of giving something serious to someone I love. I'm a person who has spent her life trundling through regardless of how I felt...and now it feels like a crime to be that way.ReplyDelete
In our culture we are supposed to just work through any and everything and that is just not good for us or the people around us. I'm sure we're all more aware of how our illness could affect others now. At least most of us are.Delete
Kids get sick, that's just the way of it. What doesn't kill them makes them stronger. Haha. Not funny really though since in the not too distant past children did die in childhood quite frequently. I did my week's shopping yesterday and this time the big empty shelves was dry dog food. It changes week to week. I'm going to make my own Costco run as soon as the rebate gets here.ReplyDelete
You're right- a lot of children used to die before the age of five. I don't know how parents bore it.Delete
Missing items at the store do change week to week. So far, nothing that I really need has been entirely gone.
Costco is a good place to stock up, isn't it? I buy things there and think, "Well, I'll never need to buy that again in my life."
That was a nice visit and seeing them lifts your spirits!ReplyDelete
Two of my grandsons are coming to stay with me for 2 weeks in February while my youngest son and his wife go to visit her family in Rwanda. Thomson and Michael are 3 and 5 years old and my son has sent me 5 pages of instructions/information/suggestions to help me! It will wear me out but it will be fun (and Uno was on the list of games to play)! :)
Oh my Lord! Two weeks! You are such a good mother/grandmother! Bless your heart! I'm sure you will know all the rules of Uno by the time the visit is over.Delete
Well, I'm glad August appears to be more or less fine and you got a chance to see him and Levon. I totally understand having pandemic fatigue. I get it too, and it waxes and wanes. I'm sure I'd feel it in an even more pronounced way if I lived around my family and it affected my interactions with them.ReplyDelete
I love seeing Levon's pictures! It's so interesting to see what kids photograph. Have you ever seen those projects where kids are given cameras and sent out to take pictures? It's kind of fascinating what they come up with.
August is funny re. Uno. Google can solve all our problems, right?
Pandemic fatigue indeed. How can we not feel it?Delete
It is interesting to see what children photograph. And yes, I have seen some pictures that children have taken when given a camera. It's fascinating. Of course first the boys wanted to do SnapChat and were quite disappointed to discover I didn't have it.
I'm pretty sure that google can solve all of our problems. Or at least a hell of a lot of them. And answer most of our questions. Oh! I forgot to say that August also advised me to drink a cup of coffee to focus my mind.
I adore seeing Levon's perspective, and knowing that August already knows the benefits of, as my daughter calls it, Google University. I'm glad your day got progressively better. Even for introverts like me, being home all the time is hard, so it's good you go out and saw your loves.ReplyDelete
Kids are so wise, aren't they?ReplyDelete
I think we're all worn out. When I feel like this I try to think about my parents who live through WWII. I imagine every winter they wondered if the war would end and then every spring, it was still going on, for six years.
If they could do that, I can do this I figure but it does feel like groundhog day, every fucking day. We are all stuck in limbo it seems which I supposed is better than being stuck in hell:)
But I do know how you feel. Sending hugs and love woman.
Because excuse my spelling mistakes. Sigh.ReplyDelete