Is it Wednesday? Is it still January? Why did I walk into this room? Wait a minute- what did I need to put on the list for my next grocery run?
When did I lose my looks/my mind/become invisible/stop ever wearing make-up? Or jewelry? When did I stop wearing jewelry? When did my clothes get so threadbare that mending them requires patching them? When was the last time I went clothes shopping in an actual store? When did this attitude arise that I really don't need anything new because, well, I'll be dying before I'll get good use out of it?
Does this all sound depressing and morbid and ridiculous and sad?
Yeah. That's me these days.
My dreams seem more real than my waking moments somehow. This does not say a whole lot for my sense of reality. Of being here now. Have I slipped into a crack in the simulation, being neither here nor there?
Go ahead. Tell me I need to do mindfulness meditation. Or get my medications changed. Or get more exercise. Or volunteer somewhere. Or start a book club. Or learn to paint. Or refinish a table or a dresser or a chair. Or drink green tea.
I know. I know, I know, I KNOW!
I do. I do know I should do all those things. Except for the green tea.
I stayed busy today. Busy, busy, busy little housewife. Laundry, tidying, cleaning sinks, taking trash, making chili, making Bragg's roasted almonds and cashews for tasty, healthy snacks! Mending. Plant watering. Patching. Bed-making. Bread-baking.
Nothing news-breaking. Nothing back-breaking. Nothing breath-taking. Nothing earth-shaking.
Just living, I guess. Just living on the earth and making of it what I can.
Funny. I miss Roseland so much. Talk about nostalgia. I keep thinking about the sunsets on the dock over the Sebastian river. Maybe Mr. Moon and I need to go on a little trip somewhere soon even if we are risking our health, if not our lives, by doing so.
Even the thought of shopping at a different Publix sounds exotic to me right now.
Meanwhile, I really am fine. And Maggie is coming to spend the night on Friday and that will be fun. I'm listening to Cloud Cuckoo Land via the library's loan of the audio book. I have books to read with my eyes and I have everything I really need and living a dream-filled life is not so bad for the most part. I know that.
this resonated with me.......I went to get my hair cut this morning.....a woman whom I've known for 35 years. We talked not only about thinning hair (LOL)......but all the things we have not done.....because.....because.....we are older? Too old? and don't give a shit anymore? or? it was an interesting conversation. Both on same page. We all try to carry on and manage....and you have Maggie to look forward to! that is a *plus* for this week! If I manage to get a nice dinner on the table .......I'm good for today!ReplyDelete
The two high points of most of my days are getting supper ready and going to bed.Delete
Don't get me wrong- I love those two things but it's sort of sad.
I read such a nice article today. Covid will always be with us. This latest, -something something may be a real killer, and twenty cases booked to date. Why the hell are we even trying, except dying will be so unhappy for the ones left behind.ReplyDelete
I wonder that too, Joanne. Why are we even trying? It's just so deep in our psyches that we need to stay alive, isn't it?Delete
My thought is - if you are going die to soon you better wear your makeup, wear your jewellery, wear your new clothes RIGHT NOW because your won't be able to when you are dead! Well, except in your casket, and what fun is that?ReplyDelete
You're spot on Wilma. It's like "saving the best china for special occasions". And of course the cemetery is full of women whose floors were so clean you could eat off them!Delete
You are both right but here's what the cynic in me says- the cemeteries are also filled with women who wore beautiful jewelry. In a way, I feel sorrier for them than the women whose floors you could eat off because at least the jewelry women probably enjoyed their lives. Although I suppose that some women do indeed enjoy cleaning.Delete
Mary.....I think you should write another book. Because I need to read it. xoReplyDelete
I shall ponder that, Carol. Thank you.Delete
Wilma you are right. I need to take that advice too. I retired this summer. I never planned to retire. I planned to drop dead on the job and then Covid. I couldn't face another year of it. I don't know how to do this. I can really relate to the way you are feeling Mary.ReplyDelete
I guess housewives never really retire but of course I don't have the constant child-care situation going on so that is a retirement of sorts. I wish I were more like my husband who always has several projects going at once and they all require a lot of planning and doing and getting parts and...Delete
All those things men love.
Perhaps we should take up carpentry.
I think a lot of us are feeling adrift right now. We were expecting the pandemic to be over. Hm.ReplyDelete
Yeah. We were expecting the pandemic to be over. I look back at us all in the beginning and think, "Oh, how sweetly innocent we were."Delete
It is the mood of the day. Every gal friend I talk to lately could have writen what you have right here. You are not alone in this . It is a sisterhood of WTF.ReplyDelete
The Sisterhood of the WTF, indeed.Delete
When you are patching the last threadbare item with the last patch from all other clothes, then it is time to go clothes shopping.ReplyDelete
Ha! Good advice!Delete
I always treat myself to a trip to the thrift store, every week without fail. I look and look and I pick out one thing that I really, really love, and I bring it home.ReplyDelete
Thrift stores are places that I do go to every so often. It is sort of dreamy to just drift around and look and listen to the chat around me.Delete
I know exactly how you feel. I always had to dress up and wear make-up to go to work. Now? Rarely any make-up and I shuffle around in sweat pants and a baggy T-shirt (while at home). I think for most of us it's normal, although some women (at least here in France) stay very chic and put together all their lives!ReplyDelete
And some women here in the south in the US do the same- get up and put their make-up on and do their hair and dress nicely every single day of their lives.Delete
It sounds to me (from this post and other recent past posts) that you're just a little stir-crazy from staying home so long. Which I totally get! Maybe you do need a little escape. Going back to Roseland doesn't sound too dangerous since you wouldn't be staying in big hotels or around crowds of people -- maybe that's an option? I know you were there relatively recently but why not?ReplyDelete
I think that the place in Roseland is pretty much rented all through the winter. But I could ask. I think just any trip away would be nice. I'd love to go back to St. George for four or five days.Delete
But isn't it good not to give a shit anymore? To know that who you are without makeup or fancy clothes or jewelry is good enough, even the best you because what shines is not the accouterments but your heart and soul? And maybe our faces are wrinkled but we earned those wrinkles. I don't feel invisible though I spend the lion's share of my life at home not seeing anyone or anyone seeing me, and that's generally the way I like it, but when I do go out I engage the world.ReplyDelete
I agree with you- I do take comfort in not caring but there is part of me that feels as if I've given up entirely.Delete
I engage with people when I go out too, generally. There are people who work in places that I feel as if I've come to know a little and I love to chat with them for a moment. To make a connection. That's what it's all about, isn't it?
Darling Mary, I slipped into the same crack, have not worn makeup since last year sometime, and some days I swear, I even wonder whats the point of getting dressed. My apartment hasnt felt onerous, thankfully, I think because of my big windows and view of trees, but I am definitely becoming something of a hermit, and I dont love this. Let's you and I reprogram the damn simulation! I think we are all yearning for art to interrupt the dailiness of it all. Let's hold hands.ReplyDelete
I was a sort-of hermit before and now...Delete
I can imagine that your windows with the views of trees restores and comforts and soothes your soul. I am so glad you have that.
Okay. Let's try to reprogram. At the very least, let us hold hands. Tightly.
I have the same feelings that you do, Mary. You have expressed it better than I could. I have been worrying about "How to keep busy until I die". Let's change that to let's have fun and do what we enjoy until we die. That does sound better, right?ReplyDelete
I think you summed it up quite beautifully, Ellen. Thank you. Yes. Have fun and enjoy because we ain't gonna get an award for suffering when we die.Delete
I feel the same way but don't have the energy to express it.ReplyDelete