Tuesday, April 23, 2013

I Swear

My fat ass is sitting here wearing filthy dirt-encrusted overalls and I'm tired and I'm sore and I think I'm just about done with food gardening. We just don't get enough sun in this yard to make the effort worthwhile and the cherry on top of the cowgirl was what I just found lined up like tiny jaws of goddamed death on the fence where the snow peas are growing.


That picture doesn't even do it justice. There are a shitload of those little fuckers which are, if I am not mistaken, the nymph version of the Georgia Thumper grasshopper which gets to be the size of a mouse and that is not in the least bit an exaggeration. 


I stole that off of Google images. 
So anyway, fuck it. I just want to open the gate and let the chickens get in there and eat whatever they want. Thumpers, peas, lettuce. They can have it all. The lettuce got about big enough to go into a salad and it bolted anyway. The only thing that looks halfway decent is the potatoes and the ants are all in them. The red ants. The kind that will kill you. And, well, the peas look okay but I have a feeling those grasshoppers are going to go through them like Sherman through Atlanta and I don't have the energy to battle them. 

I've spent my entire adult life trying to garden and I've come to the stark realization that I don't know how to do it, I don't have the proper place to do it in in this yard and I'm too old to spend hours on my knees. And then if something does come in, like too many cucumbers, I feel guilted into making pickles  or else I just bitch about how I do not FEEL like making pickles and so there you go- I am an old, bitchy, tired, southern woman in a bad mood and I am ready to grow a few tomatoes in pots on a deck overlooking a body of water and until that becomes a reality, well, I...I MAY BE DONE!

I can't even believe I'm saying that. But I am. 

And that's the report tonight from Lloyd, Florida where we can grow the hell out of ferns, grasshoppers, mosquitoes and squirrels but where trying to grow food is breaking my heart. And my ass. So forget it.

Yours truly...Ms. Moon

P.S. The squash looks okay too. I do not know why. And the cabbage. And some of the collards. BUT BESIDES THAT, NOTHING. So forget it. Just fucking forget it. 




18 comments:

  1. Oy, ugh, ouch......do I need to say I feel your pain? It's mostly the knees, but also the hip joints not to mention the wrists.......

    And still I persist with tomato plants and some great bell peppers.

    That's it for me though......mostly I buy my veggies in the supermarket and give thanks.

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  2. Oh, it's so very frustrating when the critters get your food plants. I know. I'm sorry.

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  3. I too have finally thrown in the towel when it comes to trying to grow shit. I just don't have the energy for it and I figure I need to save the energy I do have for stuff like chasing grandbaby and making dinner and sewing and taking naps.
    love,
    yo

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  4. I am just starting to garden and already I am frustrated. The deer eat everything. What they don't eat they destroy for fun.

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  5. I will forget it but you must as well. Go to the Publix and buy whatever you need and call it a day. How's that for carbon footprint?

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  6. Honey, I feel your pain. I look around at my flower beds and wonder who the hell planted everything and moved SOD and weeded and watered--I DID, or some version of me that was young and perky and not this old woman who WEARS THE SAME PANTS EVERY DAY because, well, why the hell change, they'll just get dirty again, right?

    We have slugs here that eat shit, all kinds of shit. The chickens think they're delicious so at least I can offer them to the chickens but sheesh, they're everywhere.

    Love from one old gardener to another.

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  7. Lo- Yes! Oh god. The wrists! I think it's time to wind this shit down. At least in this location.

    Stephanie- Whether large deer or small insects- they can really devastate a garden.

    Ms. Yo- Yes. Exactly. I am so there.

    Birdie- Deer are one problem we DON'T have. But lots of my friends do.

    Elizabeth- Sigh. Yes.

    Beth Coyote- Oh exactly. How did I used to do all of this? And the dirty pants? I get you. I do that all the damn time. Jeez. I'm so relieved to know that I'm not the only one. And do you want to spend your time collecting slugs to give to chickens? If you do, that is fine. If not- why do it?

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  8. Gardening gets harder the older I get. But the raised beds help a lot. So far things are doing well here. I just keep at it and have a good fence to keep the deer and other critters out. Hang in there. It is supposed to be therapeutic and not a heart breaker.

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  9. I am behind that decision 100%. Gardening is soooooo hard on the body. I live in the area where some huge percentage of the nation's food is grown. My mom keeps asking me if I want to grow a garden. Hahahahaha. No. You can't swing a weed wacker around here without hitting a farm stand. You did your part....now just eat and enjoy. Your body will thank you. Xo

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  10. I felt the same way two years ago, after the moose ate my beets and the rain rotted my potatoes, carrots and peas. Last year I planted nothing. If I get the urge to eat canned goods, I'll get 'email at the farmers market!

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  11. Damn you autocorrect. I will get THEM at the farmers market...not email. Shit.

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  12. I wrote a message and then it went away as I neglected to check anonymous. What I had to say was that I care little about your giving up on your plants but care very much about your writing and hope that you never ever give up on that. I've been away with little Internet access and have missed my daily dose of you wisdom, humor and life. I looked at the pictures of Jesse's wedding and it did look like the best wedding ever. Jesse and Virgil are a beautiful couple and all three of your girls are gorgeous, like their mama. I guess I'm sorry for you and the plants as I know you get great enjoyment from digging around in the earth. I couldn't do it. I am scared of bugs and that interferes with a lot of earthly enjoyments. Sweet Jo

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  13. I share your sentiments. I never liked gardening and I doubt I'll ever will. But the one thing I love about gardening is my gardener, he is very dedicated and successful and I love watching him out there digging and raking and stuff. And when I feel guilty I praise him over the moon and cut the lawn.

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  14. Get out the wok, and toss in all them grasshoppers with peppers, some soy sauce, and a half cup of molasses. Sprinkle on some nutritional yeast and you got a crispy, vengeful snack.

    We didn't claw our way up the food chain to let a couple bugs break us down. A time to reap, a time to kill!

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  15. I struggle to grow flowers, but every year, there I am surrounded by potting soil, seedlings, and old terra cotta pots of various sizes. Even my perennials don't remember to come back the next season, but there I go anyway... off to Pikes to do it again.

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  16. Syd- Yes. I want raised beds. Which...would be so much work.

    Denise- Gardening has been such a part of me for my entire life. But...is it worth it? I have to think about this.

    heartinhand- I knew exactly what you meant. I KNOW exactly what you mean.

    Sweet Jo- I am so glad to see you here again. I was afraid that I had somehow, unwittingly offended you. You have become a (dare I say it?) very sweet part of my life.

    Sabine- This sounds perfect to me.

    Magnum- Anything which requires a half a cup of molasses may not be worth it in my book. BUT, I have to admit, I have often wondered what those bugs would taste like. A crispy, vengeful snack indeed!

    Nancy- It's in our genes. We can't help it.

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  17. This post really made me laugh, and I'm so glad I'm not the only one! Every year I start out so hopeful, and every year Nature teaches me that I know shit about raising food.

    But each year I get a notion, and this year's is potatoes! Peppers and squash hate me, kale and potatoes it is, for now. Maybe a pitiful tomato.
    My dream garden casts a huge shadow on my real one, and it's never as easy as it looks. Those grasshoppers are a scourge. Hope the chickens feast on them.

    Good luck with your growing, even though you never know what you're going to get. :)

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  18. Hah! Goddam Lubbers! We have them, big time. You kick bamboo. I stomp lubbers. Once in the morning, once in the evening. I knock them into a coffee can first. I wish stink bugs couldn't fly, so I could stomp them, too.

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