Technotardidness

So what's up with technology? I had to get a new phone system this week. Phone. System. Can't just go get a phone these days and plug in the phone line and sit back and admire your new phone and wait for someone to call. Fuck, no. You get a system. You get a box with five (!) handsets (handsets!) in it and one base unit and ten batteries and belt clips (belt clips?) and a phone cord and a bunch of electrical cords. Bunches and bunches. And- the most important thing of all- the instruction booklet.
So. I spent approximately two hours the other night when Mr. Moon was out of town, plugging in cords and putting in batteries and setting up phones and letting them charge. And I recorded the greeting and I thought that was that.
Fuck no.
First off, instead of ringing, the damn phones had audible caller ID which meant that the phone would sort-of ring and then a recorded machine voice would come on and tell me who was calling. Well that was not going to work for me. So I got out the instruction booklet and every damn thing you do with this phone system has to be done with a handset and a code. It's like being in the damn war and you need a damn Navajo to give you the codes just to change the ring tone on the damn phone. If we lose this booklet, we are shit out of luck. Except that of course you can go online and download a new one. Good thinking because even though I have instruction booklets for phone systems I haven't used in ten years hanging around here somewhere, this one will no doubt get lost.

And so I finally got it all figured out and changed all the ring tones and set the number of rings before the answering device kicked in and guess what? The answering device doesn't kick in. Yes. It is turned on. Yes, I went to the Trouble Shooting portion of the booklet. No. It didn't help. Yes, I went to the web site. No, that didn't help either. In a while I'm going to call the 1-800 number. Do you think that will help?
I fucking do not and if you do, you're dreaming, baby.
And do you know what? They didn't have to make the motherfucker that ridiculously hard and complex. I think they have idiots coming up with these designs. Geek idiots who are still stuck back in the days of stupid PC's before the mouse was invented. Control, option, # FU, WTF #!
Not simple, not elegant, just ridiculous.

And let's talk about my coffee pot. The booklet that came with that had no instructions and Jessie had to go online to tell me how to set the damn timer. And clock. And when you go through the sequence of button-pushings to set the timer for the coffee to go off, it always starts in the PM. Now who the hell sets their coffee to go off in the PM? I understand that some people do. I know that. But let's face it- 99% of us want our coffee to make in the morning. Am I right? So you have to go through all the numbers to get to the AM and by then I've forgotten what I'm doing, standing there in the kitchen holding down that button and then it's back in the PM and I often go through about four days' worth of time before I get the damn thing right.

And all of this shit makes me feel like an idiot technotard but you know what? I'm not. I'm really not. I can read. I can understand. I can push buttons. I can do sequences. I can follow instructions. It's not ME! It's the cretins who design this shit. And if our devices didn't have to do so many damn functions, we wouldn't have this problem! I don't want my phone to act as an alarm. I don't want audible caller ID. I don't want to have to go through a sequence of actions to turn the ringer off. Give me a little button on the side! Please! That would be simple. That would be elegant. Don't give me another sequence to record my greeting. Give me a button on the base unit that says, "REC!" And by the way, make my damn answering machine turn on.

I guess I better call that 1-800 number. But first? I'm going to hang out my clothes. On the line. With wooden clothes pin. And while I'm doing that, I'm going to be listening to a book on TAPE! And enjoying myself tremendously.
And after I call the 1-800 number, I'm fairly certain I'm going to go be unplugging all these damn phones in my house and putting them all back in the box because I think the fucker is broken.
And then I'll have to go through all that crap again with a different system, merely to have a phone that works and and an answering machine that turns on when it's time.

I ask so little. Really. I do. And am given so much. In fact, way, way, WAY too much.
That doesn't work. Or at least for me.

And that's what I'm thinking about today which is a cool, perfect day here in Lloyd, Florida.
I hope all of your appliances, devices, systems and phones are working perfectly and that you have not lost your instruction book and that you are having a lovely, lovely day.