Shot To Shit

When you wake up and the person who spent the night at your house who JUST GOT CHEMO FOR CANCER THE DAY BEFORE is up before you and obviously feels better than you do and has more energy- it's time to back up and examine your life.
Or at least take a nap.

I was SO tired last night and yet, I couldn't sleep until Mr. Moon got home from poker at midnight. I finally broke down and called his cell-phone right after 12 and he said, "I'm pulling in the driveway," and he was and he got in and told me about poker and how he'd gone to see Owen. "He loves his Pop-Pop," he told me. "He came and got in my lap."
And then Mr. Moon got in bed and I let him hold me for a little bit and I did some more deep breathing and finally, I got to sleep. But it wasn't enough.
It never seems like enough.

And when I got up, Mr. Moon was up and getting ready to go out to the woods to set up a new trail camera (the old one must be broken- it is getting no pictures of deer at all but some very fine ones of a young black bear which sort of upsets me but what can I say- Honey, you can't go hunt in the woods with that bear around? No.) and Kathleen was up and reading in bed looking gorgeous and rested and she was ready to go home.
After I woke up sufficiently I took her home and her dogs and her chickens all came out to greet her and they were so happy to see Mom. We looked at her pears and her olives and David Smith, one of her peeps, and then I came home and Mr. Moon came home and I fixed his lunch and gave him his smoothie and I said, "I'm so tired," and he said, "Go back to bed, honey. It's okay."

And I think that's what I'm going to do. This is unheard of. But honestly- I think I am.
I don't HAVE to do anything or be anywhere until I have to be at the Opera House tonight at six.

I feel almost certain that the world will not come to an end if I close the curtains and doors, turn on the air conditioner and lay down upon my pillows. I feel guilty as hell because I know that Kathleen is going to take her trash to the dump and drive herself to an appointment and go to the grocery store to lay in a few more supplies for her dad beyond the lemon cookies and Cokes she has bought him and oh yes, take a rooster out of the freezer and make chicken and dumplings while I am going to take off my clothes and turn off the phone and withdraw from life for a few hours.
After I call to check on her, of course.

One of my favorite quotes from Anne Lamott is from her book Operating Instructions and it goes something like, "I am the piece of shit the world revolves around," and when I read it I got it immediately and I knew exactly what she was talking about and it still makes me laugh and get over myself when I think about it.

So. I am off to bed AGAIN to get over myself and to see if I can refill this old bucket of a body with some sort of fresh water which will wash my mind and heart of all the sludge lurking there at the bottom because when you're tired (ask Mwa!), everything is too hard, everything is confused, everything is just impossible.

Time to knit up that raveled sleeve of care and let the world revolve around some other piece of shit for awhile.

And for all of you who CAN'T nap today- I feel so sorry for you (and guilty that I can) and believe me- I will try to nap so well that it will help you too.

As if.

Signing off...Ms. Moon