Monday, April 27, 2009

Lighten Up!


So are we frightened out of our teeny-tiny minds over the swine/avian/human flu yet?
I'm not, but it is disturbing. NPR is all over it. This expert and that one all managing to sooth and frighten at the same time. And when you think about it, the idea of a pandemic flu does sort of strike the alarm bell.
But never fear! The other day in the grocery store I saw a product which guarantees to kill 99% of all flu viruses. It was...hold on to your hats...A TOILET BOWL CLEANER!
Now as far as I know you do not get flu up the butt. So unless you plan on drinking your toilet bowl water or licking the bowl itself, those flu-fighting ingredients are freakin' worthless.
But your dog? Oh, he's safe.
From a flu he cannot get.

It's things like this that make me wonder. I mean, really, do we need a toilet bowl cleaner that kills flu germs? Maybe. Maybe we do.

Here's another thing I've been wondering about:
That Burger King commercial where creepy Burger King guy is dancing around with women who have phone books in their pants. What's up with that? Is that supposed to make me crave a WHOPPER? If so, it's not working for me. Are we a butt-obsessed nation? I swear, I've seen that commercial twice and both times I thought it was some sort of fucked-up joke. Is it really a commercial for Burger King? They can't be serious. Whoever came up with creepy Burger King guy in the first place needs to be taken into extraordinary rendition. I am not a person who approves of torture to get secret information but in this case, I would approve its use as punishment.

On to the next thing.

Foreskins.

Okay. One of the things hippies did was to question why a male baby's foreskin needed to be removed. And a lot of us decided that it didn't. One of my heroes, a local OB who has delivered something like ten thousand babies, spoke at a choices in childbirth seminar I attended once and he said something like this: "You ask me to dim the lights so your baby will be born into comforting darkness. You want to bathe the baby in warm water immediately after birth so that his passage into life will be calming. You want us to keep our voices quiet, our touch soft, you don't want to use any drugs in labor so that your baby will be born completely awake and aware. And then...you ask me to cut off part of your baby's pee-pee."

Anyway, I was thinking about how God is God, right? And he is aware and cares about each sparrow and knows how many hairs each of us has on our head, BUT, in order for him to know that you're a Jewish Male, he needs to see a circumcised penis. Does this make any sense to you?
It makes no more sense to me than than saying that a circumcised penis is more esthetically pleasing than an uncircumcised one. To me, an uncircumcised penis says, "Unnecessary cruelty to an infant."
But that's just me.

And in the interest of not ending this post in a cynical, negative way, let me just tell you about a product I discovered which rocks my world. I found it in the Ace Hardware in Keystone Heights and I could write an epic poem about how great this Ace Hardware store is but I won't. All I need to say is that I found The Tick Key there.
The Tick Key, Ms. Moon? I hear you asking.
Yes. The Tick Key, I am answering. I have found two ticks on me in the last week and pulling them out was torture and one bled like a son-of-a-bitch. I was in a bathroom stall at the Council of Aging facility in St. Augustine when I found one of them and there was nothing to do but pull that tiny little bastard out and it was traumatic as hell. It hurt and it took all my finger strength to remove his firmly anchored-in body from my most private of parts.
But I steeled my strength, I girded my loins, and I did it.
Because I did not have a Tick Key.

But now I do. And when Mr. Moon discovered a tick on his body last night, I lent him my tick key and he used it and that little sucker came out smooth as silk. No pain, no trauma, no bleeding.

Best five bucks I ever spent.

There are so many things in our modern world to worry about, to fret over. But if you have one of those babies on your key ring, you won't have to worry about the pain and stress of tick removal.

Life is good.

19 comments:

  1. Brilliant idea, the Tick Key, I will alert my uncleimmediately! (he hikes a lot).

    I"m so with you on the foreskins. Whatever aboutJudaism, what about the non Jeish people. Who think it looks better. Wtf?

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  2. AJ- I love you, too.

    Ms. Jo- Yes! Tell your uncle! He needs a tick key! As to foreskins- for some reason it was decided over here in America that all males should be cut and I don't know why. Not so much anymore, thank goodness.

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  3. That's ace! Will we need one of those when we come back to Tallahassee next spring do you think.... ;)

    Fat Lad

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  4. As I am prone to anxiety, and even more so when inhabited by a lil one in my uterus, I have been avoiding all the news about the swine flu. Because it does kind of make me nervous. But it is DAMN hard to avoid, it is everywhere...

    I need to get me a tick key!! I wonder if I could find one way up here....I am sure SOMEWHERE, as we have plenty of ticks around in the summer...

    Happy day to you, Ms. Moon :0)

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  5. That commercial is aimed square at people my age. Baby Got Back was a hit when I was in high school, and I still remember al the words. So now BK is betting that a) I have a small kids or two (bzzt, wrong), b) I enjoy that song (correct), c) I smoke the dope (we'll just not comment on that), and d) I am a fan of semisurrealist humor with a popculture tone. Correct! Doesn't make me want to buy a happy meal, but it does make me laugh.

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  6. Two ticks in the past week? And Dad with one too? That seems a little extreme of those ticks, and I think someone needs to tell them. Although, now that you have the tick key, I bet you are kind of hoping to get a tick. I know that's what I'm hoping for, just so I can come home and get it removed.

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  7. That commercial has nothing to do with food. They are just getting the word out to the kids that they have SpongeBob toys so the kids will ask their parents (AKA, me) to take their asses to BK. And as DTG pointed out, their parents (again, me) would know the stupid song and laugh at the [not so] clever play on words, get nostalgic or whatever and go get their kids the damn SpongeBob toy, and a whopper while they're at it.

    As far as foreskins, I left that decision up to my husband when we had a boy because I don't have a pee-pee and therefore have no frame of reference. So we did the circ. That baby cried, and I cried, and for about a minute I hated my husband for putting him throught that. But then he was fine about 3 minutes later.

    Cool tick key. I need one for my dog who also eats bees.

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  8. For some reason, ticks don't like me. But they love my daughter, so the tick key might be a worthwile investment in this Lyme disease plagued area of the world.

    I admit, Farty is circ'd.

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  9. hmmm...
    I am NOT worried about my toilet catching the flu,
    I AM obsessed with butts, and I can not lie,
    I have WAY too much foreskin,
    BUT...I think I can remove the extra with that tick key.

    But where will I put my spare change at the nudist beaches?

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  10. Many people in my family freaked out when we told them we were *not* going to circumcise our son. "He'll get urinary tract infections!" they cried. Seems like a funny argument to me. In my life I've had my share of UTIs, and nobody ever suggested removing part of my body.

    I do not fear swine flu, but I do fear ticks. TICKS! Gah.

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  11. My daughter needs a tick key. My grandaughter got a tick, and ended up at the doctor's to remove it.

    She has to spray the little one with (we tell her) tick repellent (water), so she will go back outside!

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  12. Really few people circumcise their kids here any more. And I have NEVER heard of any men I know getting UTIs.

    There's good articles about this on Mothering.com

    I find it so weird.

    Mymother said my father wanted my brother circumcised because 'a boy should look like his father' which I think is creepy. I think she said no, though.

    And my grandmother was so traumatised by the mutilation of my father she didn't do it for her second son.
    \

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  13. Mr. Lad- Probably. Unfortunately.

    JustMe- Are you pregnant? What have I missed? I think you could look up the Tick Key online.

    DTG- It makes me sort of sick.

    HoneyLuna- Not looking forward to getting one, but am prepared if I do. I would gladly lend mine to you if you need it. I will even manipulate it!

    Steph- So it's a generational thing, huh? Circumcision is a very personal decision. No pun intended.

    Rachel- Get you a Tick Key for that girl of yours! See above about circumcision.

    Magnum- Stop it! But perhaps you could donate some foreskin to a foreskin-challenged guy. Some guy with foreskin envy.
    And you can keep your change up your butt!

    Lora- Yeah. That's a BOGUS reason. I've never heard of an uncir'ced male getting a UTI.

    Zelzee- Yep. Good investment!

    Jo- We're slowly moving into the dark ages over here. From the stone age, you know.

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  14. My boyfriend is obsessed with his personal lack of foreskin.

    Ticks in the lady parts? Scary shit.

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  15. Ok, I guess I have to get my 2cents in here on all this tick/ foreskin discussion.

    Ticks SUCK! (And I really didn't mean the pun, it just happened) No matter where they are, but as creepy and odd as it may sound, that is one of their favorite places... I have heard other tales of woe regarding this. You are not alone! And we will be on the look out for ye ole tick key.

    As to foreskin... well... I think that many folks have been conditioned to do as the medical community tells us without much question--which is sad and spooky. My mom and sis were beside themselves because Harley was going native. They were told all sorts of bull like it causes infections and etc.. It's disturbing really. I have read that there are more nerves in the end of the penis than anywhere else on the bod. (That may not be totally accurate, but..) There is research to back the fact that on top of everything else, cutting the foreskin off causes a decrease in sexual pleasure.

    Do we THINK God doesn't know what he/she/ it's doing? And is it any wonder there are so many angry men in the world? Sorry, I know it's personal, but I guess this ties in with some larger issues that I'm wrestling with lately and I needed to vent a little.
    Happy Tuesday evening. :-)

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  16. Lady Lemon- Perhaps Magnum could help your boyfriend. As to the tick location- let's say it's indiscreet to scratch.

    Lady Lemon- And YOU know about ticks. Also, the foreskins of little boys.

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  17. i don't believe your tick thingy works. i'm just sayin.

    daddy b

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  18. Daddy B- It works! To remove ticks. I swear. If you get a tick, come over and I'll show you.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.