Monday, March 31, 2008


What a weekend. From a beautiful Friday night date with my husband to the parade on Saturday that I watched from the vantage point of my son's front yard, to house-cleaning and party preparation. We had my daughter's bridal shower here yesterday. The weather was perfect and we set up outside so that the wisteria was the centerpiece of the decorations. The mosquitoes politely stayed away and even the dogs behaved themselves.
There were lots of friends, little sandwiches, and presents galore. There was crepe paper and fold-out wedding bells and flowers and a cake.
And there was an epiphany.
I was in my kitchen, cutting up fruit for the fruit salad and I was nervous and a little bit stressed and a tiny bit resentful, too. As I worked, I could hear my daughters giggling outside as they put up the decorations and part of me wanted to scream- "Y'all stop having so much fun! This is serious!" I wasn't having fun. All this work- cleaning and shopping and cooking and planning and here I was, in the kitchen AGAIN, and for what? Why? Why me?
And then it struck me. I was resentful because no one had ever done anything like this for me.
Over the years I've probably thrown hundreds of family parties- the Christmases, the Thanksgivings, the birthdays.
I've often joked that as soon as I was able to throw a turkey in the oven my mother passed the title of "Matriarch" to me and I have taken that title seriously.
But there's always been a little voice inside me saying, "Why doesn't anyone ever throw ME a party?"
I think that little voice belongs to a little girl who lives inside me.
On the outside, I may look like a woman old enough to be a grandmother, but on the inside, I am still a little girl who wants to wear a tiara and have her favorite meal and blow out the candles on the cake her mama made her.
Isn't that odd?
I realized all of this and it made me feel a little sad. But it helped, knowing where these feelings come from.
And I think I'm a little clearer now on why I go to so much trouble despite my bitching and my moaning about all the work I do to make nice times for my kids- it's so that they don't ever wonder why no one did that for them. And that's all part of the decision I made years ago when I realized that buck would stop right here with me when it came to the sort of dysfunctional families that had produced me. Or at least as much as I was humanly able to achieve.
It's March 21st and my daughter is getting married in one week and six days. It's going to be a beautiful wedding and I am so grateful she's found the man who makes her happy and that they're starting their new life together.
The whole thing has been a terrific amount of work but honestly, it's all going to have been so worth it. And this is what families do. They make the birthday cakes, they gather the friends, they put out the tablecloths, they plan and execute the weddings. My other daughters are bridesmaids, my son is officiating at the wedding, my husband is paying for things with as much goodwill as he can muster about it all and he's going to wear a tux and be the handsomest man in the universe. We are all coming together to plan and do this thing because we love our Lily and we want her to have the wedding day she dreams of and deserves.
We are going to celebrate. Together. Joyfully.
It's spring. My daughter is getting married. My life is filled with wisteria and birds and bees and all things bridal.
And that's what life is all about and if there's one thing, one thing in this entire world that I've ever wanted it's been to have a family that is loving and joyful and cares about each other to the bone, to the blood. A family where there are no big, scary, dangerous secrets. To be the mama of the children who giggle and laugh as they string up the banner that proudly proclaims BRIDAL SHOWER. To cut up the fruit, to cut the cake, to have the house where the wisteria grows and the birds nest on the porch.
And I do.
And it's amazing.

8 comments:

  1. I am a New York Times bestselling author working on a new book about mother-daughter relationships and thought you might want to contribute. Please visit my page for details about submitting stories for Mom's Little Angel.

    Gregory E. Lang
    Author of “Daddy’s Little Girl,” “Why a Daughter Needs a Dad,” “Why a Daughter Needs a Mom” and more.

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  2. That wedding's getting closer and closer. I have to get up with those two again this week about vows.

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  3. And you worry about not earning $$, M??? =0 HA! NO amount of money could buy what you're worth to your family!!! :)

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  4. Wow, could they look anymore like sisters? They are, right? Your entry touched a nerve, dear. Something I have been putting in the dark corners of my mind for while...
    But I am soo glad the weekend was wonderful! Thanks for sharing it here..lovely.

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  5. Yes. They are definitely sisters. I swear, I look at my kids sometimes and just want to swoon with it all.
    But I'm just doing what a mama is supposed to, right?
    God, I hope so. I hope so.

    Greg- huh. Well, that's an honor. I don't know if what I'd have to offer is what you're looking for but I'll check out your blog and think about that. Thanks for coming by.

    Oh- DTG- Lily says YOU'RE figuring that all out. Whole lotta delegatin' going on with this thing. I love it!

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  6. Greg- having thought about this, I don't believe that anything I write would be appropriate for a collection called Mom's Little Angel.
    Really.
    But thanks.

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  7. :)

    Honest to god I opened up the computer with the intention of looking up what a lily looks like (random greeting card research) and ended up reading about your Lily! It's just a day like that.

    :)

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