Sunday, August 8, 2021

Letting Go


 View from my pillow

Sundays do not seem to be as hard for me as they used to be. I don't know why but perhaps enough time has finally passed since I was a child and Sundays were profaned by my stepfather after which we would attend church and my guts would roil as the preacher droned on, the choir sang, and holy promises were made in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, whoever or whatever that was. 

Anyway, today was another lazy day. I didn't clean any hen houses today. I didn't pick a vegetable, I didn't pull a weed, I didn't work on a pocket. I did, however, decide to tackle a tiny bit of housework. My new goal right now is to try and bag up at least a few things around here that I can give away or throw away every day. Yesterday it was books and today it was clothes. I am not being ruthless about this. I figure I'll go about it the way I go about getting into the Wacissa- an inch at a time. I'll slowly fill up my trunk, deliver the goods to someone (Wag the Dog?) and then start again. Bag by bag, trunk-load by trunk-load. I am SO ready to have fewer things surrounding me, cluttering up my spaces, my head, my heart. I'll never be all Zen with nothing in my room but a white rug, a bed, and a stalk of bamboo. That's not me. (See picture above.) But I do want less. Less, less, less. 
And I have so much stuff that has become meaningless to me, even though I stubbornly hang on to other things that do have meaning in some sense of the word. I get emotionally attached to THINGS and I know we all do but the older I get, the less attached I feel about a lot of these things, lying about, collecting dust, serving no one's best interests. 

So I went through some clothes, as I said, and then I attacked my bedroom with a dust rag and Lemon Pledge, a dust mop, a broom, and then finally a bucket of vinegar and Fabuloso and the mop, still damp from yesterday's washing of the kitchen floor. 
I remember my darling friend Anne-Helene from Norway who lived with us for awhile. She always called mopping, "washing the floor." "Mary," she would say, "We need to wash this floor!" 
I thought of her today as I so often do. 



I had thought that perhaps I would tackle the Glen Den as well today but fuck that shit. That will require an entire day of its own. I need to go through all of the toys in there and get rid of the bits and bobs that are useless on their own and try to do a little organizing. Some of the toys have been outgrown by all of the grandchildren and I suppose (sigh) that I should get rid of them too although they do like to get those babyish toys out to play with now and then, just for the sake of old times, I guess. The Glen Den also holds so much that belongs to my husband, as you can imagine from the name we've given it. His beer glass collection from Europe, all collected when he played basketball there. His pictures, his fishing awards, his antique fishing lures, his deer heads and all of the other things which I collectively call The Museum of Glen. And I have things in that room too, mostly unfinished needlework projects along with the things I use to work on them because that the couch in there is where I do my hand-work in front of the TV with a good light beside me. There are needles and pins and knitting needles and crochet hooks and yarn and embroidery thread and cloth I use for patching and...
Well. 
No. It's not all man and children stuff.  

It occurs to me that even as I am growing ever more aware of the things I keep that do not offer anything of value to my life, there are non-tangible things that are exactly the same. Beliefs, fears (that's a huge one), worries about offending others, worries about always trying to present myself in the best possible light- things like that. 
I wish I could cut some of these things to the bone, dump them, and live and write far more authentically and honestly. Not that I lie about things. I don't. But none of us really talks about many of the things that are actually some of the most important things in our lives. Things that all of us experience in one way or another. 
And yet, we so often hold back from speaking of them because they are too personal or would perhaps shock our children, our grandchildren, even our most beloveds. And yet, just as one day we will all die, rendering so many of our possessions completely useless and meaningless, I think we will realize on our death beds that there was so much wisdom and experience we could have shared if we had not been so concerned with propriety. 

Well. That's just what I'm thinking about this Sunday evening. 
I will say that I wish I was braver, stronger, less concerned with social norms. 

Perhaps as I become more steely and fierce with my discarding of the things which do not serve me in the physical sense, I will become at least a tiny bit more apt to let go of that which does not serve me in the emotional sense. 

We shall see. 

Love...Ms. Moon

35 comments:

  1. Oh my, oh my, I have troubles each day letting go of the stuff that affected me as a kid and still has an enormous affect on how I conduct my daily life. But letting go of actual stuff and not obsessed with collecting more hasbeen so good for my soul. I used to go to antique stores and resale stores and buy old things...and then, when I started volunteering at a Good Samaritan shop (ironic for an atheist, haha) I started donating all my 'precious or collectible stuff'. It's been liberating.

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    1. Yes! From thrift stores they come, to thrift stores they can go. It feels so good to let that happen.

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  2. Sunday power coming from you, Ms. Moon. Power. This causes me to really reflect on myself too...... whether parting with *things* that may have become almost meaningless to me.....will help me shed some emotional barriers as well. Maybe they do go hand in hand? Much food for thought in this post, thank you for sharing this...it helps and gives me hope
    Susan M

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    1. I'm so glad, Susan. Thank you for such a sweet reflection on what I wrote.

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  3. My Sunday has been a day of pondering. What to clean, wash, dust, and scrub. I actually made a ‘to do’ list instead of actually doing it. But it’s a start, right? What I accomplished today: a nice nap with the rain pounding down. And I’m OK with that….

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    1. I would have been okay with that too, Catrina. Sounds perfect and life is not full of perfection.

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  5. Yes on trying go shed useless thinking abd on trying to tell people what you would really like to tell them even if it's fearful.
    And I talk about washing the floor. To me mopping is not about using water, just a dry mop. Dusting, really. So I guess I'm in your friend's camp.

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    1. With the fine dirt we have here, mopping is really the only way to completely clean a floor but then of course, when you're done, immediately it begins to collect another coat of dirt and dust.
      I wish I were a better cleaner. I wish I were a braver woman.

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  6. I've downsized several times in my adult life. This time I am surprised at the amount I collected in two years, mostly books. At least it will never take me four dumpsters, and then two rental units to clear enough stuff to make the house presentable for sale.

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    1. Oh god. What a nightmare that must have been! We have truly never down-sized but it seems inevitable that at some point we will have to. I dread that time. I really do.

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  7. oh dear, and i have this box to send to you...

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  8. Ms. Moon, I love your ponderings today. Lots to unpack here. Thank you.

    Chris from Boise

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  9. This sets me to pondering. How CAN we release the bits and bobs that loom when we are writers? How do we do it?

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    1. Now that is something I absolutely do not know.

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  10. I think you write very authentically. That's what I admire about you the most, I think.

    I hold back a tremendous amount of myself because I am not comfortable with myself. I've been trying to look at myself squarely and accept what I find, but that's tough. And the universe, being always ready to bring a new think to me, has lately blessed me with people who have been awfully wonderful about showing what THEY see when they look at me. I must say, it's a bit surprising.

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    1. Wow, Debby! That's beautiful! How very synchronicitous to find these people just as you are trying to find acceptance for yourself. I have a very hard time with that.

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  11. As I think about what you have written (wonderful, btw), it occurs to me that while we periodically like to go through our houses and rid ourselves of excess goods that are weighing us down or cluttering our lives, we don't often spend enough time clearing our minds of the thoughts and ideas that keep us tied to the past or to behaviors that do us no favor. Or perhaps figuring out that we no longer need to use the false fronts we sometimes portray to the world. Something to ponder this week and beyond.

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    1. You summed up what I was trying to say in a paragraph. Thank you. And honestly, it is SO much harder to rid our minds and souls of the things that do not serve us than it is to rid our homes of the physical objects we need to let go. I wish that weren't so.

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  12. My son has been begging me to get rid of things, most particularly books, for several years now. I promised myself a couple of years ago that I would dump a box full every month that lasted about two months. Then I found out that I had to move. I had to throw out hundreds of book. The first ones were difficult but it got easier and easier. I moved six days ago and am still sitting in boxes trying to figure out where to put things. More will be thrown out and that is ok. There are some things that I can't part with and that is ok too for now. I know that decluttering is a gift to my children.

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    1. Well, decluttering IS a gift to our children but I also love Ellen's comment below. If the time has come that we absolutely do have to get rid of things, then we find ways, don't we? I do not envy you having just moved although there is something a bit thrilling about putting things in their new places. Good luck with that! Take your time. Try to enjoy it.

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  13. This post resonates so much for me, I know just what you mean about the things we don't write, usually the things that embarrass us about ourselves, that we keep in a dark room of ourselves, perhaps never to experience the healing power of allowing light to disperse the shadows. I do however love the artistic eclecticism of your pillow view, and your washed floors look mahh-velous dahling.

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    1. Yes. Sunlight is the best disinfectant, as they so often say on my beloved Mormon Stories podcast. I wonder why we fight that so much. I suppose it is the simple matter that we are embarrassed and I know that shame has always played a huge role in my life.
      There is already cat hair on those floors! Arggghhh!

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  14. my sister's daughter's keep telling her he needs to get rid of some of her stuff. Why? because they selfishly don't want to have to deal with it later? she likes her stuff, it makes her feel good, she is comfortable in the environment she has created. so I say to them and all others who are pressuring their parent/s to get rid of stuff, back off. if you don't want to deal with it when they are gone, then hire someone to deal with it. of course this has nothing to do with you Mary and your own winnowing. that's fine when it is something you want to do for yourself, getting rid of things that no longer have meaning or speak to you, creating a little space.

    I'm pretty much an open book but there are times when I don't write about transient feelings because of certain people who read my blog because while I wouldn't mind sharing my feelings or temporary anger or frustration, I don't necessarily want to get into it with the person those feelings are about. at this point in my life, I walk away from fights and arguments. I'm perfectly happy for the other person to have the last word even when I know they are wrong. not worth the negative feelings. for instance, last night Marc was telling me about Obama's birthday party he was reading about that Obama had scaled it down to 200 'close friends'. he canceled it I told him. No he didn't he says, I'm reading about it right now. I just turned around and walked off. not going to argue about it.

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    1. You are exactly right- it is not a child's decision as to when a parent needs to get rid of things. Do WE tell them what THEY should get rid of? Well, maybe some parents do but I don't. I can't help but think of my kids though as I declutter. I keep thinking of what they'll say when they come across certain things- "Why did Mama keep THIS?" "I have no idea. Do you want it?" "Oh hell no."
      And so forth.
      But I tell you this- if it's something that makes me happy to have, I don't care what they'll say.
      As to arguments, my husband and I don't argue much anymore. We used to argue more frequently but I think we both realize now that we do not have to have the same opinions about things and can respect each other's opinions even if we do not agree with them. It serves no real purpose to debate certain things.
      Now I do admit that I love a good argument with someone I don't really care about but I have come to realize that there is no purpose to it beyond a good hit of adrenalin and that's not a very good reason to get into it with people.

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    2. oh, well, I see I was wrong about Obama canceling his birthday party. I kept seeing headlines that he had canceled it but what they meant was that he had canceled the 500 person event, scaled it down to 200.

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  15. For what it's worth, I think you're quite open about your life, your feelings and your experiences. Of course I don't know what's going on in your head but it seems to me you are authentic and honest and yes, you have accumulated wisdom, which you so often share with us here.

    As for stuff, I imagine we could ALL do with less of it. I'm pretty good about keeping things pared down, if I do say so myself. It's a challenge for Dave sometimes, I think, because I'm always asking him, "Do you REALLY need this?!" (I do get rid of my own stuff too. :) )

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    1. Oh but there is so much more, Steve! That I could write about, that is. Could and would if I wasn't so concerned with others' feelings and opinions. I realize that doesn't seem possible! Ha!
      Funny. Glen asks me the same thing when I mention buying something. "Do you really need that or do you just want it?"
      Actually, he's pretty much learned not to say that as I do not appreciate it very much.

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  16. I've done bugger all today except sit and read BUT I'm so with you on the desire to get rid of stuff. Maybe it's an age thing but really? Who needs all this "stuff"? And why would I think my kids would want to clear it all out if I died? I don't know. (Oh, and I see you are a Frida fan too! I have a lovely CD soundtrack from the movie)!

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    1. I think maybe age does have a lot to do with it. I swear- we spend the first half of our life accumulating stuff and the last half trying to deal with it and get rid of it.
      I love the movie "Frida". It's spectacular.

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  17. I like the idea if looking at and letting go of old beliefs. I've never thought of cleaning up like but I think it's a great idea.

    I don't always write everything that's going on. My hubby has a hard time with my blogging. He doesn't understand the connection I feel with people I've never met which is his problem, not mine. That being said, I do censor myself because he reads my blog. I wouldn't have anything bad to say about him but it's not all unicorns and rainbows either. I love him and he can be difficult to deal with sometimes.
    Pixie

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    1. I need to blog.i cant figure out how to start one. I love following all of your blogs.i learn alot and truthfully feel like you are my friends.❤❤❤❤

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    2. "Not all unicorns and rainbows either..."
      I know. I am almost certain that my husband does not read my blog. I think it makes him uncomfortable to just read the things I do write about him. And honestly- there's not a whole lot I could criticize him for even if I wanted to!
      Letting go of beliefs? I have some that I would give up in a heartbeat if I could figure it out.

      Catrina- it is not hard! Google "how to start a blog" and you'll find lots of help. Do it!

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