I listened to all of you yesterday who wrote to reassure me that throwing away my grandfather's books was not a sin or even slightly wrong. And I did it. I took them all out of the bookshelves today and bagged them up and drove them to the dump depot and hauled and hefted them in with the rest of the trash.
It feels a little disrespectful, a little wrong, but I know it is not.
Last night when I took one of those books out and set it on my table here on the porch, the fan literally blew pieces of the cover off of it. And all of them were in that condition.
I also threw the crayons away and some other stuff too. I've got another bag filling up to take somewhere to donate and I've texted my kids that I would really like for them all to come out to go through some things to see if they would like them.
Pictures, mainly, I guess, but objects and items, too.
I opened the trunk in the dining room today and I think I must have unconsciously remembered what was in it although when I opened it, I was surprised to see what I'd stashed in there and was not well pleased.
And a few file folders holding things that probably belonged to my mother. I did not investigate that deeply. I picked up a few of the pictures and went through that stack there in the middle and then set them back down and closed the lid again.
School pictures going back to my kids' preschools, family reunion pictures taken by my photographer cousin who died at a tragically young age, pictures of Glen's family. Pictures of babies and parents and cousins and friends and pictures of people who were living and smiling and happy then but who are now gone.
But I think that's where they'll end up. My children carry my genes, both the good ones and the bad, and so do my grandchildren. That's enough, I think.
And so August and Maggie will begin kindergarten which is a magical year where you learn to get in line and to raise your hand when you want to speak, to be responsible for when you need to go to the bathroom rather than having a mama to remind you it may be time, to sit at a table and eat with others, to share, to make friends, to listen, to learn to learn.
And I will. But they are so very excited.
Levon is only going to preschool for a few hours three days a week so he'll still be a part of my life on week days but it's all going to be different.
We can't help it. We are humans.