Well. Here we are. How are you? I have banana leaves in my dish drainer. There is a reason. Read on.
Last night was a special sort of hell, wasn't it? I sat and crocheted like a machine on Levon's Doggy's blanket. It's almost done. I was talking to Lis this morning and I told her about it, the obsessive crocheting as I watched results come in. "It's going to be like the blanket in "Like Water for Chocolate," she said. I said, "I had exactly that thought last night. The endless blanket knit in tears."
At eleven I put down my crochet hook and my wool and said, "I have to go to bed." And I did. I wish I'd gone to bed earlier. I dreamed endlessly that the Rolling Stones were visiting in Florida and somehow, I was a friend of theirs and Mick and I spent a great deal of time discussing how to get all of them to Wakulla Springs. I told him how beautiful it was, how it was the second largest spring in the world if you measure by water output per minute (this may or may not be true), and how although I was sure that the Stones had been in Florida many, many times, they had never seen anything like Wakulla Springs. The problem was that there was no way the band and their wives and companions and children and roadies could go incognito. Of course. But I desperately wanted them to be able to see it, to swim in the springs, to know the beauty that Florida can and does hold.
And yes, Keith was there. He wanted me to make some biscuits. THAT I could do.
I never did figure out how to get them to Wakulla.
Wild rock star dreams, right?
I was not in the least surprised that there was no "blue wave." I suppose I have lost all faith in my country and its sense of decency, its ability to discern right from wrong, good from evil, sense from insanity. These feelings have only been intensified in the last 24 hours. Although the count is far from over and although it does appear that Biden has a slight edge which may well widen as all of the absentee and mail-in ballots are counted, I fear for what may happen if the numbers don't add up in Trump's favor. Of course I am even more fearful if they do but I listened to most of today's "Fresh Air" which was an interview with a writer from The Atlantic, Barton Gellman, about strategies that Trump is going to use to fight the results. You can listen to the interview here, if you want.
Oh hell. Just don't do it. It's too fucking depressing.
Everything I did today I had to make myself do. I took a walk. I ran into Pinot right outside my yard. "How you doin'?" he asked.
"I'd be a lot better if I knew that Biden had won," I said.
He looked startled. "Who won?" he asked.
"I don't know. They're still counting."
He thought it about for a minute.
"How can so many people vote for Trump?" I asked him.
"I don't know," he said. "He ain't got no heart. In all my years I ain't never seen anything like this."
"Me either." It has been established before that Pinot and I are the same age.
We talked a little more about it all, agreeing that there are indeed many, many assholes in this country. Finally I said, "Could you use some eggs?"
"Sure," he said.
And I went and got him a dozen and he thanked me and moved on down the road one way while I went the other way.
I probably did three crosswords today. I took trash. I had a stern talk with myself and then did a thorough job sweeping and mopping the kitchen and the bathroom off of it, not because I really give a damn about the cleanliness of my floor but because I knew the smell of vinegar and Fabuloso would make me feel as if I'd accomplished something.
Or at least I thought it would. I really don't care.
I'm going to cook some snapper tonight with peppers from the garden, onions, garlic and lime. I'm going to wrap that all up in banana leaves to bake. I've picked thinnings of mustard greens and arugula for a salad. Mr. Moon helped Lily with her garden again today. It is looking beautiful. Tomorrow I will go get a mammogram and then do my shopping. I will wear a mask although, not unlike the floors, I don't really give a damn right now if I get Covid or not. What's one more nightmare? Isn't that awful? It's all a little too deja vu-ey for my comfort. I felt this way after the election in 2016. What's the point? Who cares?
I know. I know. The point is to keep on for my kids. For my grandkids. Do you know how guilty I feel that I'm not able to help Lily right now when she needs it the most? She's having to oversee the kids' education and it's not easy. If I could help her, ease her burden just the slightest, it would mean so much to me, if not to her. She's with them almost all the time and not getting any breaks. It's too much.
Well. Here we are. How are you? I've asked twice now. I really want to know. Don't you wish we could all hold each others' hands right now? Close your eyes. Pretend we are. Imagine that. Imagine the strength and warmth we could pass to each other. Imagine if we all took a deep breath together and let it out together. Imagine what it would be like if each and every one of us could hold each other close for a little while. Imagine what our smiles would look like. Would feel like.
Let's be here for each other as we keep watch over what is happening in our country.
I love you.
So funny. I came here to see if a new post was up (it wasn't on my sidebar yet) and I see the title is very close to the title of what I just wrote.ReplyDelete
""He ain't got no heart. In all my years I ain't never seen anything like this." This touched me a little bit. It's so sincere and true and real, spoken like a real human being with a heart which so many 45 supporters seem to lack. I'm so tired of their ugliness of spirit and lack of humanity. I know that's generalizing but goddamn it, sometimes just have to tell the truth about a thing. It is what it is. Does any of that make any sense? I'm tired and frustrated and just about at the end of my rope.
Let's just keep hanging in there, together.
Pinot is not a big man or a well-to-do man and he isn't a loud man. But he has wisdom.Delete
What you said made perfect sense. Honest to god, I think that most of Trump's popularity is based on racism and a reaction to our country having a Black president for eight years. They know damn well that there was nothing in his actions or behavior to criticize and they weren't brave enough to just come out and say why they hated him but Trump has given them leave and permission to say they want a country that is "great again." What do you think that means?
Hang in, baby. We'll get through this.
So true Jennifer! I agree 100%. I think I felt you holding my hand Mary Moon :) Thank you. I think Biden might have this! It's looking very good. I know the orange one will lose his frickin' mind. So what's new ......ReplyDelete
I swear- it is almost tangible to me to feel everyone's hands in mine.Delete
It is looking good for Biden.
Mr. Orange doesn't have to lose his mind. It was gone a long time ago.
My day has been overtaken by mental angst over this....... what else is new. Trying to occupy my brain, stay off of devices.....and remain guardedly optimistic. I'm just SO dejected today.....and sad, yes, that SO many people could actually condone and support such a despicable human being. It makes me heartsickReplyDelete
Wine on tap here......on glass #3 .....will stop....... but my heart remains in a lurch
We're all at the very end of our ropes. But we have to be patient. It's so hard.Delete
I live down in Palmetto, and hubby and I went to a little family-owned restaurant for dinner. It was the oddest thing...people seemed more ‘normal.’ We heard laughter at other tables, a woman saying, ‘we’re almost there folks’ and three people cheering, and just a sense of calm. I haven’t seen this in quite some time, and it was so refreshing. Trump may be suing everyone and their brother (I guess because he was unaware that votes need to be counted after the polls close), but I truly believe that President Joe Biden will be a reality soon!!!ReplyDelete
I felt a similar lightness when I was doing my shopping today. As if everyone can take a breath. May we all release those breaths in cheers very, very soon.Delete
Holding your hand too. Once again you’ve found the perfect words to describe how so many of us are feeling. What depresses me most is knowing how many fellow Americans apparently don’t value decency and truth. I don’t think it’s always been this way. Maybe I’ve just been naive most of my life. Is it funny or sad that I thought the same about COVID? Much love.ReplyDelete
Right? About the decency and truth. He lies every time he opens that rectal mouth of his. And people do not care! Why? I don't get it.Delete
It's probably just honest that you feel the same way about Covid. I think a lot of people feel the same, but don't want admit it out loud.
holding you in my heart. once i found out MI went blue again i found some hope that this soon will be changing and that the end to this hellish administration is in our sight.ReplyDelete
May it be so, dear Mrs. M.Delete
I could use some hugs and a cup of tea and a long chin wag.ReplyDelete
Sounds like Biden is doing well and as for tRump, he's still and will always be a piece of shit. He is a sad, desparate, heartless, soulless excuse for a man.
Your description of the pretend POTUS is perfect. I would feel sorry for him if he wasn't so willfully evil too.Delete
I'm so tired. Somewhat hopeful, though we'll see. I drank way too many glasses of wine last night and woke up at 3:00 AM with a panic attack and threw up for an hour. I dreamed one of the chickens was caught between the screen and the window (which, you know? seems possible with this particular chicken). Made babkas.ReplyDelete
Ramona, I had way too many glasses of wine also last night but my dream was worse. Trump's head came bursting through a hole in the door like in The Shining and I was trying to punch him off (and I don't even live in the States). I hope I aimed well enough!Delete
Ramona, do you think that your dream represented our not knowing whether Trump is in or out? Or perhaps your hen represented Biden. One of them.Delete
I think we're all probably drinking too much. Those of us who drink, that is. I keep thinking, "Well! It's not heroin!" Which is really a ridiculous rationale.
And Treaders- Jesus. That was a horrible nightmare. I'd far rather dream about Mick and Keith.
thank you for the Barton link, very interesting and just the thing that Dennis and I had been talking about, A very different country. Another failed democracy. Out of our control - the little people who believed that voting might be valid- so let's keep dancing, my friend, cause that's all there is. Every generation has its big deal challenges to counter, can't say we did not try to leave a better place for offspring, but, they, just as we , and all the ones before us, are on their own. We hope that they will be smarter.ReplyDelete
Yes, m'am. Let's keep dancing.Delete
I surely do hope too that the ones coming up now will be smarter and better than we are. Bless them.
I love you, too. Can't tell you how much I look forward to reading your blog. You actually put into words all the things that are just boiling around in my head. It makes me calm down to see it in print, and for that, I thank you! xoReplyDelete
Oh, Carol! I'm so glad. It calms me to write these things down.Delete
What a weird fucking day. That’s all I’ve got. I love YOU.ReplyDelete
The weirdness never ends, does it?Delete
You are precious in my heart.
Honey, I just broke down after reading your post. Yes, I'm holding your hand. I can feel it, warm and strong, hands that hold babies and kids and makes good food and gardens and washes floors. All activities that harm no one. It's the harm that hurts the most. The ongoing, unrelenting harm of this admin and the followers who are incomprehensible to so many of us. As Clark said, 'dear poor everything'. Hanging on today. Even if Biden gets in, it's already broken. Carry on dear dear Mary.
your friend from the NW
And the damn thing is, is that those evil-doers are doing harm knowingly. They don't care!Delete
I wish we could make a wall against them with our old, knotted, veiny hands which have been so good to us all our lives.
Love to you too.
I wish you could hold my hand and a paw. Amid election mess, my baby's kidneys have decided to go bad and that is a process for which no cure exists so it will be the stress of being a pet nurse til it ends. I lost faith in this country a long rime ago so not shocked, just apprehensive and waiting to see what happens. Wishing you a restful night.ReplyDelete
Oh, no, e! Kidney failure in cats is just horrible. I am so very sorry. I know how much your darling means to you.Delete
I wish I could hold your hand and a paw right now too.
Reading your last paragraph makes me realize how much I miss the easy physical-ness of my friendships and even co-workers. That feeling that you could just shake someone's hand or hug them if they need it. (Not that I routinely hug my co-workers! LOL)ReplyDelete
This roller coaster of an election IS insane. But we all knew it would take days (at least) to sort out. I never believed in that blue wave either but it was a nice idea.
It WAS a nice idea, wasn't it, Steve? Ah...well.Delete
And don't we all miss the hugs? Jesus, it's hard. I ran into Rachel in the grocery store and it was a palpable ache, not being able to hold that dear woman close to me.
You definitely captured the thoughts and feelings of so many of us. Sending a hug your way.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Mary. Sending one back to you.Delete
Remember my old friend Chad? It was dangling Chad for those of you who are either to young to know or have forgotten his many hours of fame. Now I live just down the road from the winner of that discussion. Later, when the newspapers did an unofficial count of your whole state, the loser won.ReplyDelete
The significance of the name, “Biden,” is not lost on me. The word biding is sometimes pronounced in such a way that it sounds like Biden.
Word forms: bides, biding, bided, bode or bided
1. (intransitive) archaic or dialect
to continue in a certain place or state; stay
2. (intransitive) archaic or dialect
to live; dwell
3. (transitive) archaic or dialect
to tolerate; endure
4. bide a wee
5. bide by
6. bide one's time
Hi Mary, how I wished we could share those hugs and laughs and a dozen eggs.
I wished Mr. Moon could come and help me with our garden. You would faint if you saw it. We did get some produce out of it this last year, about a half gallon of small, green peppers. They were very nice and none have gone to waste. Trying to grow a vegetable garden in Texas is a challenge I am unprepared for.
Have a great day...we'll talk soon.
Tom and Dimi
Oh, how I remember those hanging chads! Those dangling dastardly chads.Delete
And I, too, have had the thought of Biden being so much like "biding." We shall abide.
Perhaps you should try to grow everything in pots or boxes. Would probably be much easier to control that Texas dirt. Isn't it funny how some of us just HAVE to put plants and seeds in the ground.
Yes, please. Let's talk soon. Love to you and Dimi.
It is close so I am still hopeful that we will get a Biden win. His experience in government will help the country. Many on both sides of the aisle in the Senate know him and respect him. Hang in there!ReplyDelete
They were just talking about that on NPR today- how Biden is so well known for being able to work with both sides of the aisle. God. Wouldn't it be something to have a president who actually knew how the job worked?Delete
I was once the caregiver of a troubled child who would rock back and forth, softly saying "please, please, please". Today, I am him.ReplyDelete
That child is in all of us, I think. Bless you, honey.Delete
I feel like a giant bandaid is being pulled off very, very slowly. How I wish we were all together supporting one another. It helps to know others feel the way I do. Thank you Mary and everyone for being here!ReplyDelete
Those of us who feel this way are legion. I know we are. It is good to join together whenever and wherever we can.Delete