Friday, November 30, 2018

Isn't That A Beautiful Camellia?


The only pictures I took today were of a camellia.
It's been a hard day to be honest.
Anxiety has boldly and without warning walked in the front door again, neglecting to even knock the dirt off its foul boots and I had forgotten how debilitating that can be. It's not the worst anxiety of my life, I can assure you. And at least I know enough of its deceptive tricks and ways to know how much it lies, how truly insidious it is.
Which does help. But not enough.
And anxiety never travels without its evil Siamese twin, depression. At least in my experience.
Sort of like Putin and the Saudi Crown Prince.

So.

Well.

I went to lunch with the family today. I did that. I drove to town and met some of my beloveds and we ate at a very popular Cuban cafe which was packed and the line went all the way down a hallway whose walls were painted Melania Christmas Tree Red but we ate outside and that was sweet. There were plantains and black beans, white rice and Cubano sandwiches.
There were french fries and August ate a basket full and I think he drank the ketchup. We passed around food and shared and sampled and I had a Cortadito which is so delicious. I know I did not need the extra caffeine but I swear, I don't think it makes much difference when I'm in this place of rather constant dread.
It was so lovely, having lunch with my family but it felt as if I was in a bubble the entire time. I'd pick up on a tiny piece of conversation and ask, "What? What movie are you talking about?"
I'm here, but I'm not here.
I took the recycle down to the trash depot today and after I'd dumped the glass into the proper container, I went back to the car to get the plastic to put it where it belongs.
I couldn't find it. I knew I'd had it in the car. Where had it gone? Did I set it down somewhere when I carried the glass to dump? As soon as I walked back past the regular garbage container I remembered I'd thrown it in there. Just carried it over and thrown the plastic into the wrong place. And then promptly forgotten.
I went to the post office afterward and somehow, between there and my house, which is not quite two blocks, I couldn't find the one piece of mail we'd gotten. I searched and searched the car. I'd thought I'd put it up under the visor on the passenger side but it wasn't there. Finally I found it- under the visor on the driver's side.
This is one of the ways anxiety affects me. Now to be honest, the older I get, the spacier I get. That's just the truth. But this is a whole other level of inability to concentrate.
It's almost interesting in an observatory way.

Anyway, it's Friday night and my husband is home. He held me for a moment and I cried a little and he asked me why and I said what I always say when this happens which is, "I'm just having a little bit of a hard time," and he is so sweet about it but he knows by now that this happens and that I will get over it. I always do.

I'm going to cook us a piece of grouper and some of the salt-boiled and then roasted little potatoes which are heaven on this earth. Luckily I will probably still be able to cook when I've been dead for three days and so there will be a supper tonight. It might take awhile but eventually, there will be a meal.

I have no idea how to end this tonight.
I guess I'll just say, as usual, Happy Friday, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon



20 comments:

  1. I hope you wake up tomorrow morning as fresh as a daisy and rarin' to go. My funk is on, too, so I took a long nap. And it's funny that I say just about the same thing to my husband when he asks and I get teary and he hugs me. Big snow here tomorrow(ugh)so appreciate your camellias blooming away!

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    1. I do appreciate my camellias so much. Also? I appreciate no snow.

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  2. I'm getting terribly forgetful as well. Keys left in the front door lock really bothers me. Most of my forgetting just gives me lots of exercise as I have to go back to the original place to remember what it was I was looking for in the first place. Finding names really bothers me, it feels so rude to no remember people's names. Stress always makes it worse.

    At least you won't starve to death:)

    My big guy gives me hugs too. We saw Bohemian Rhapsody this afternoon and when we left I just cried and cried. Freddie was an amazing singer but he also reminded me of all the young men I cared for in the eighties who all died of AIDS. All these years they've been dead. It's heartbreaking so of course I cried.

    Take care woman.

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    1. I know that stress does indeed make forgetfulness worse. Which is so ironic because when we're stressed out, not being able to find things just makes us that more stressed.
      AIDS killed without regard for beauty or for intelligence or talent. And yes, it's still heartbreaking. We lost every bit of what those men could have done, could have achieved, as well as their own beautiful selves.
      Of course you cried.

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  3. The camellia is thing of beauty. I could lose myself spiraling down the whorls of petals.

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    1. It is an almost perfect thing, isn't it? A mandala of nature.

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  4. Dear Mrs moon, I walk in your shoes often. I send you love and hugs. Xx

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    1. I am so sorry. Let's hold on to each other.

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  5. gorgeous camellias. they always make me think of my father.

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    1. Woman! Get thee to a nursery and buy one or two and put 'em in the ground! I know they never did for you in town but maybe they will where you are now.

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  6. sometimes it's like trying to get comfortable sitting on a cactus plant, walking through thorns, sometimes it just is like that. I am so glad you have such a good partner in this life to hold you and allow...
    Your lunch sounds lovely, and I think I may challenge August to a ketchup drinking contest! It is either ALL or leave the ketchup alone entirely.

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    1. That's about the way it is. Or walking down a dark hallway with doors on either side, all potentially filled with demons. Ugh.
      I don't know who'd win in a ketchup drinking contest. August is small but he is capable of eating and drinking more than you would think possible.

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  7. That camellia IS beautiful. Dear Mary, I hope you're feeling better today. If not, think about your upcoming holiday trip! ❤ Sending you a hug. xoo

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    1. Every time I think of Cozumel I get more anxious! I'm not ready! Isn't that ridiculous?
      Thanks for the hug. I send you one back.

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  8. It's so dark here in the NW, wake up and it's dark, dark early in the afternoon. I think we're supposed to hibernate through it.

    Love you to the moon and back, dearest.

    ~Beth

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    1. Yes! Hibernation sounds good! It's dark here by six which is pretty weird but it's light when I wake up. That could be because I wake up late.
      I sure do love you, too, Beth.

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  9. Here via Lily Cedar.

    Camelias are one of my favorite flowers, along with gardenias. Such a heavenly scent.

    Anxiety is a beast, that's for sure.

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    1. Hello, Secret Agent Woman! I am glad you've come visiting. You are welcome any time!
      Anxiety is a damn beast. And a slippery and lying bastard of a beast too.

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  10. I'm sorry the Black Dog came back. Hopefully by now it has departed again. That IS a beautiful camellia. I'm glad you have Mr. Moon to hold you through it, and as for the spaceyness, I feel like I do that kind of stuff ALL the time.

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  11. I know that bubble feeling so well. Sending you love.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.