Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Basically, I Suck

Ah, Jesus.
I'm going through an existential crisis here and it's all due to my own inability to go out and act like a normal human being or at least my fear of going out and acting like a normal human being. I know I can do both of those things, even at the same time, but...

Years ago I used to throw a big old Thanksgiving Eve party. It started small as could be, just having people over, some who might be in town just for the holidays and a few friends. I'd make a big bowl of easy pasta and the musician people in the group would bring instruments and play and it was always my favorite part of the holiday, even when it got huge and EVERYBODY came, worlds colliding with people from all parts of my life which was busier and more extended then. Kids running everywhere, music going on in the library or on the porch or outside with a fire going and oysters being cracked and slurped and it was wonderful.
Of course, it made getting up and doing Thanksgiving a bit harder and I always did Thanksgiving here then too, so it was getting difficult and frankly, I look back and don't know how I did it.
This wasn't even that long ago, really.

But then one year the ex actually booked a gig for that night for himself and the friend who always came to the party to play with him and my party was unnecessary because really, it was all about the music for me.
And the other friend is very, very dear to me and so is his wife and my ex's wife is a good friend of mine too, and so it was fine to go out on Thanksgiving Eve to a true, real venue to hear the music and another friend from days of long ago would show up too and it was always wonderful.
I always felt like I had a part in this because of various paths which I had been a part of back in those old, old days but in the last few years I have felt less connected and without a doubt not vital to the situation at all.

And here we are tonight. The gig is booked, it is happening and I am exhausted. I spent most of the day baking and cooking and Jessie and the boys came out and there was playing.



I asked August if his bulldozer was running. 
"Not yet," he said gravely. 
I have a feeling that when Boppy gets the tractor running, the bulldozer will start running as well. 

Here's some pies I made. 


Chocolate pecan. Yes. It is a sin in all of the major religions.


Regular pecan pies. 
I tried so hard to do the pastry correctly. I spent a good fifteen minutes forking the ice water a tablespoon at a time into the flour and shortening and butter, making sure not to overdo it and I chilled the dough for hours before I rolled it out. I just suck at pie crust. 

I made the regular cranberry sauce and the cornbread for stuffing and I have boiled the eggs for deviling and I've made angel biscuit dough and here I sit, thinking of a million reasons not to get dressed and drive into town. My sweet husband would actually do the driving so I don't even have that excuse. 
Put on a bra, put on some clothes. Get in the car and ride for twenty minutes. 
Go into a bar and see people I love, listen to music I love. 
Really. Good. Music. 

And there is every reason in this world to go and not one reason not to go and yet, I can't imagine going. 

Well. I still have a few minutes to change my mind. 

And speaking of going to hear music, The Rolling Stones are going to do an American tour this spring and summer. This cheers me immensely in that it would indicate to me that Keith is doing well. I mean, those insurance companies aren't going to cover a tour if they think that he's going to keel over onstage. This is just a fact, Jack. 
They'll be playing in Jacksonville which is about two and a half hours away and my husband says, "Let's go!" and honestly- how many more chances am I going to get to see Keith Richards play again? It's not that I think he's ever going to die but I'm quite sure I will. 
And yet, I am already thinking of reasons not to go, the main one being that they'll be playing at a huge stadium and unless we want to pay astronomical ticket prices, the old boys will be about as big as tiny ants viewed from a standing position and I will be surrounded by gazillions of people. 

When did I become this insular, isolated hermit? Too timid to say yes to life?
I don't know. 
I don't know shit. 

Well. Happy Thanksgiving Eve. 

Love...Ms. Moon







28 comments:

  1. Ms. Moon, I get it. I struggle immensely to drag myself out into the world. Even when it is to see my favorite people I fight in my head about it for days. If I go, I am always glad I went when it comes down to it, but I HATE the struggle to get there. I hope you go into town. And I hope you go see the Stones when they tour. But if you do neither I understand. And it is ok.

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    1. Well, I didn't go into town. And yes, it's all right. Still, I am pretty upset with myself.

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  2. I'm the same way. can think of lots of reasons not to go anywhere even though I have a good time when I get there. and you know, our energy levels decline as we age (there, see there's one). the last thing I would want to do at 6:30 is get dressed and go out. I've just sat down since I went in the kitchen at 3 PM to get my prep work done for the dressing for the cooking in the morning.

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    1. Exactly! It's like my days allow only so much activity and when I am done, I am done.
      Still, you are right- we do have a good time when we get there if we go out.
      I'll be making stuffing in the morning. My favorite dish of Thanksgiving.

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  3. Oh how I understand. I am the same way. And yet I hope you go and hear good music tonight because you will be happy that you did. But if you don’t go, well, I understand that too. Today was non stop and I’m over here exhausted, everything aches, and can’t imagine how I will navigate tomorrow. We will have 24 people for dinner. Holy moly. And I don’t even have to cook the turkey.

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    1. Honey, cooking the turkey is absolutely not the most difficult part. Trust me. At this point in my life I could make stuffing, boil giblets, roast the turkey and make gravy in my sleep.
      But twenty-four people for dinner at my house?
      I could do it but I am so glad I do not have to.

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  4. And me. Same from party girl to never getting dressed unless going to docs dentist etc Sigh. Love to ya Maggi x

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  5. I too usually enjoy myself when I'm out, but if I have my druthers I don't go, and when I do, the best part of the outing is when I get into the car to come home again. I think this is normal enough, if people would just admit it. It's taken me a long time because I always thought of myself as extroverted, a social butterfly. Well, when I was single, I was! But once I had a family, who needed all that socialing and butterflying? My joys and satisfactions came from my loved ones in my home. Anyway, I've been anxious about not feeling the need to go anywhere, but mostly I think it's okay. It's okay to be just the way we are. -Kate

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  6. Like Kate said--I came to a stage where it just didn't seem necessary to do all those things. I kind of was hoping that it was the beginning of wisdom.

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  7. I hope you do get to go see the Stones, I have thought about going to see them when they come here during the Tour. First time in 15 years they've been here, but I haven't gone to a Concert in Years and would probably find reasons not to go. It's all Good... whether we go do things or just chill in our Homes really. I like what Sally said, perhaps it is the beginning of Wisdom where it just doesn't seem necessary to do all those things!

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    1. I think it was '81 when I saw them in New Orleans but I wasn't the fan then that I am now if you can believe that! It was a good concert, though.

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  8. I am the same way. and I vacillate between giving myself a hard time for being that way and simply not giving a damn...I hope you'll enjoy your time tomorrow. These days, it is easier to take life a day at a time. Peace and hugs to you.

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  9. Ya'll know what I'm only 38, and some how fell down a rabbit hole of a damn fantastic job that piss tests randomly every 4 weeks. I gave up the herb for the job. and about 9 days out, I stopped doing/being social. I give ZERO fucks, I want to do things I see things that sound fun. Not a single damn one of them are gonna happen because my social angst is off the charts and I just can't force myself to feel like I am going to have a heart attack and be run over by a bulldozer all at the same time, for fun. I get it. I'm not even going to thanksgiving because its going to be to peoplely for me.

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    1. Good Lord! I wish you lived in a state where at least medical marijuana was legal. Sounds like it was really helping you. How WRONG our weed laws are with it being legal recreationally in one state and illegal in the next, not to mention the medical legalizations. Too confusing and absolutely ridiculous.

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  10. Please be kind to yourself Ms. Moon. I rarely go out. I'm around people all day and it's nice to have peace and quiet to recharge my batteries. Do what you want, not what you think you should do. Sending hugs.

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    1. Thank you. I did. And I got over feeling bad about it.
      Mostly.

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  11. not vital to the situation at all.
    You bring tears to my eyes. This is me. You have so much family, so many friends. Please go enjoy.

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    1. Oh, Joanne. I just couldn't. Maybe next year?

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  12. I feel the opposite the last few years. I live in a remote area so rarely have a chance to socialize. But I can’t host big parties anymore either.

    For pastry I use the food processor. I think ina garten has a recipe...oh here it is https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/perfect-pie-crust-recipe-1919026

    Only I use a cup of butter to 2 cups flour. And I add the water (about 1/3 cup) while just blitzing the mix a few times, until it just starts to come together. Then turn it out and mush it all together until it’s a ball. Also chilling is a total myth IMO. I just let the dough rest, wrapped in plastic, for 30 minutes while I make the filling. I saw some celebrity baker do this once and I’ve never looked back. Everyone says my crusts are delicious but maybe they are just polite. Rolling refrigerated pie crust makes me crazy though, so I don’t care.

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    1. I think I've tried the food processor recipe. Finally I've gone back to my oldest cookbook- one that was my mother's back in the thirties or forties- for a recipe and it works pretty well. I'm the opposite of YOU with refrigerated dough! I can't roll it unless it's chilled. We are all different.

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  13. I'm sorry you didn't feel like going into town, and I understand completely. As for the Stones, PLEASE do whatever you need to do to see them. Take Xanax, get drunk....do something so you can endure the throngs of humanity (I have issues in crowds, and to me, five can be a crowd). I poo-poo'd seeing the Eagles for years because I paid $12.50 the only time I saw them and thought $100 a seat was outrageous (fun fact: it cost $12.50 to see the Eagles in San Diego in 1976). Then Glen Fry died, and I cried. I will never have the chance to see them again. Keith will undoubtedly live forever, but Mick could go and you'd lose your chance, too. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. As for gravy, I'm terrified! I'm gonna attempt to make it today, but I bought three jars of turkey gravy. You know...just in case.

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    1. PS: with tasting help from my aunt, the gravy was perfect! I'll be adding the jarred turkey gravy to my food pantry donation. Oh, and I ate too much....

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  14. I'm so happy to be home, in my pyjamas. At 42. I can't comment on your reclusiveness. You've had lots of nights out dancing - I hope you're not too sorry to have stayed home. Not going out can be really good too.

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  15. So did you go? I can totally understand being tired after the day you had and not wanting to go anywhere. Don't beat yourself up about it! But YES, do go see the Rolling Stones. Even if they're ants, you'll be there, and you'll never regret it.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.