Thursday, September 27, 2018

No Title


I should be so happy today. It's Lily's birthday and we had two birthday celebrations and we had cake that I made yesterday and which August and Maggie decorated with ALL the vintage candle holders and decorations.


And they did such a good job. 

And Owen got his ears pierced and was happy about that and he loved what we gave him for his birthday which is some sort of Voltron thing that his mama said he wanted and I ordered off Amazon. 


My little Mayan man. 
Can you see the hoop? He has one in each ear. 

And I got to see all of my children and all of my grandchildren. 



Even though Levon has a cold and a little fever. He was in a pretty good mood despite all that and I made him laugh and laugh by simply saying, "Foo!" to him again and again.

It's Vergil's birthday too, and I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that he was born, that he and Jessie met eyes and danced together and that they fell in love and that they were married and that he is part of our family and the father of August and Levon, the husband of Jessie. That good, good man. 

I even got my first green egg today. One of the Americaunas has started laying. Either Eggy Teena or Pansy. 


I should be so happy today. This should be all about Lily whose birth was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and who has grown up to be a woman who is as strong and as beautiful as any woman on earth and whom I love with every bit of my soul. 

And yet. The minute that Dr. Christine Blasey Ford started to testify I crumpled and my heart hurt so much for her and for all of the women, and all of the anger that one woman can hold in her bones and in her heart and all of the hurt that one woman can hold in her bones and her heart was multiplied by millions and that was the end of any chance of joy for today.

I can't even talk about how I feel. 

I don't even know what to say. 
But here- how's this? 
I heard a woman say today that Bill Cosby should be given house arrest (has she been listening to OJ?) because he's so old. 
I wanted to scream at her that if Cosby's victims live to be a hundred, the sins he committed against them will not cease to torture them. 

And how about this? 
The man who molested me probably had no idea that his sins against me would not only affect me for the rest of my life but would affect the ones I love as well. He probably had no idea and guess what? He would not have cared. 
Just as Kavanaugh does not care. Just as Trump does not care. Just as none of those men who pretended to give Dr. Ford a fair hearing care. Just as Clarence Thomas did not care and never will. Just as Bill Cosby did not care.  

That's all I have in me. 

I give up. 

I am so tired. 
I am so incredibly, unbelievably tired. 

I am going to go to bed and try my best to remember how it felt to lie in my bed with my beautiful newborn daughter thirty-three years ago, her father on the other side of her, and how we were in wonder at the miracle which had occurred that day as we studied her perfect self. 
I'm going to try. 









36 comments:

  1. Sending huge hugs to you. It's 2:45 am here and I've been awake since midnight. Hope you wake refreshed and calmer. Xxx

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    1. I did feel refreshed and calmer when I woke up. I hope you're sleeping better. It's so miserable to wake up and not be able to get back to sleep.

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  2. I don't have any "major" trauma in my past to be triggered about, but even so listening today WAS triggering for me. I just know how difficult of a day it was for so many listening. And knowing we live in a society with people who don't understand. Who joke. Who see the accused as the victims. It was a horrible disgusting day.

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    1. You are exactly right. A horrible, disgusting day.

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  3. I'm sorry Mary and I hope tomorrow is better. I hope the sleep restores you. Sending hugs and love your way.

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  4. I could not watch,it was soul destroying to witness, the lies, and the snivelling and the women supporting him. Cosby did not get what he deserved, life without parole would have been more appropriate. he will continue to be a danger if he gets out. His wife should be locked up as well she knew what was happening. How can we make change when leaders objectify women and behave as predators themselves.

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    1. Women like Cosby's wife can certainly use denial in ways we would not think possible. But, god. How could she not know?
      And no, you're right- we cannot make change when leaders objectify women and are predators. There's no way.

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  5. Happy birthday Lily and Virgil! Let’s hold all our babies close. I love you.

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    1. And I love you. I'm holding these babies close. I promise.

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  6. Wishing your precious Lily and Vergil many happy returns of the day, and wishing us all a world where everyone takes responsibility for themselves and their actions.

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  7. Happy birthday Lilly and Vergil! And yes, it’s all just exhausting and truly evil. Much love.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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    1. I seem to be tired all of that time. Do you?
      Much love back.

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  8. I have been tongue-less all day, sick to my stomach, almost flat with despair. Love to you, love to Lily and Vergil and everyone who comes here too.

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    1. Ever since I read your last sentence there, I have been thinking about that. How precious it was for you to send love to everyone who comes here.
      Thank you. I love you.

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  10. I couldn’t turn off the tv but it was horrible and painful to watch. For me, watching the senators apologize to Kavanaugh for what he and his family were experiencing - well, it made me feel so heartsick.

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    1. I did not watch that part. I may go back someday and do it or I may not. I'm not sure I could take it.

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  11. What astounds and appalls me is that all of these men have daughters of their own! Would they be so unfeeling if their own daughters were the victims of men they protect and revere? What of those daughters? How do they process these lies and denials of their fathers?

    Sending love to you and feeling empathy with all women around the globe who face these monsters everywhere, in every stratum of society and whose voices are drowned out should they dare to speak out!

    Your voice is a powerful one. Keep using it!

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    1. Yes indeed. I wonder the same thing. I wonder if the HS boy who violently raped me when I was 14 ever remembers it and if he was ever concerned for his daughter because he "knows what boys that age are like." So many other thoughts, but I am heart sick and as much as I hate this word - triggered beyond triggered now.

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    2. one of my husband's cousins is a Trump supporter and he posted a meme calling Kavanaugh's attempted rape 'misbehavior'. I asked him if some creep tried to rape one of his daughters or granddaughters would he still call it misbehavior? no answer.

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    3. He'd probably blame her for being a slut, sadly.

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  12. the republican holdouts are caving one by one as we knew they would. a headline from the WSJ...dismissing Kavanaugh for this reason will divide the country for a generation. WTF. appointing him will divide the nation for a generation. but I guess the WSJ would rather have a volatile se abuser on the SC than stand for any morals.

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    1. Yeah. A guy I was friends with in high school whom I always considered to be the epitome of intelligence and kindness has turned into a crazed right-wing conspiracy theorist Catholic and he said the same thing about this dividing the country. He also added that as always, the Democrats were on the wrong side of history. What in hell do you say to that?
      Frankly, I think he should get checked for a brain tumor and I'm not even kidding.

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  13. I'm tired too. I'm still on my news blackout. I just can't stand any of it.

    Owen's earrings look GREAT and I love the hair too! He is rockin!

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  14. Enormous amounts of them don't care.

    We care. We have to keep caring.

    Owen is the coolest and every one of your people is so great. The fight for goodness carries on, it's ok for you to lie down and be tired.

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    1. You're right, Jo. We have to keep caring.
      We have to or they win.
      Thanks for what you said about my family. I appreciate that. You know how much I love all of them.

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  15. Oh, lordy, I started to read you because I need good stuff in my life and you and your babies deliver! And then Kavanaugh got his hooks into you, too. He could spoil a watermelon. Jenny

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    1. :D

      'And now, a watermelon will take the stand.'

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    2. Well, I seem to feel compelled to write about what's in my heart and on my mind. I try to stay upbeat but I'm not actually a very optimistic person so it's a struggle. Thankfully, I CAN write about my family and they make me happy.

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  16. I understand your reaction because mine was similar. Happy Birthday to Vergil and Lily and once more to your beautiful rock star, Owen. They are lucky to have you, so are we.

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    1. I am the lucky one. For my family and for this community. I truly am.
      Thanks, e.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.