Monday, September 10, 2018

Muddled

I just don't even know what to say about today. I've got about the messiest soul in the kingdom right now, every emotion paired with every other emotion, all jumbled together into a muddy brown puddle of something you wouldn't want to have to clean up.
I could have gone to Jacksonville with Lily and her family as Owen had a check-up with his neurologist but the appointment was at 10:30 which would have meant getting up at about 5:30 and I just wasn't really too excited about that prospect. Plus, this is all old-hat by now and since there have been no new developments on the neurology front for Owen, it really seemed not very important for me to go. Of course I did feel guilty about not going and of course, honestly, we usually end up having some fun on these little jaunts, stopping at different places and eating road foods and joking in the van on the way there and back but it really was okay for me not to go and I know it.
Lily reported that Owen got into his appointment early and that it lasted six minutes so he was out of there before the appointment was even supposed to start. And then they went to the funky kid's museum and had a grand time playing and I'm sure they stopped at the incredible Busy Bee on the way there and back so...good times.

I went over to Jessie and Vergil's house and played with August and Levon for a little bit and then we went to a plant nursery to get some plants for two huge cement urns that were rooted sideways into the ground by the front of the house when Jessie and Vergil bought the place but which Vergil finally freed and painted bright blue and set up on either side of the little walkway from the road to their front door. The urns are very tall but the tops are quite small in diameter so what would look good in them AND do well in the direct sunlight? I let Jessie look around with Levon in the sling while August and I played with the wild animals puppets they have inside and also looked at the Venus fly-traps about fifteen times. He was fascinated by them with their little open red mouths and tiny sharp-looking green teeth. He kept asking me if they would eat different things like bark or tags. I kept saying, "Nope. Just bugs."
"WHY?"
"That's what they need to grow."
"WHY?"
Etc.
We also saw skinks and butterflies. I told August that I'd seen a little blue-tailed skink on my porch yesterday.
"Where?"
"Under the table."
"WHY?"
It never ends.
Of course we ate lunch while we were out. It was good too. We went to a different sort of buffet- I've talked about it before. They have everything from delicious curries to Mongolian tofu to the very best hot and sour soup I've ever tasted.
Also, deserts. Like an entire ice cream freezer full of Eskimo Pies and things like that. And tiny pieces of fancy cakes and cheese cake.
It's a bit odd but it's delicious.
We had a good time.

And then it was time to go home and I read August a story before I left their house to go to Publix and he tried like hell to bargain me into coming back to play with him or for me to take him to my house or for anything that would be fun. He's such a funny little boy. When I sat down to read him his book I pulled him up on my lap and he said, "I need a big space," and moved over to sit crammed up beside me in the chair. He knows what he wants and he knows how to ask for it.
He also knows what he doesn't want and has no qualms about saying "no".
For example:
"August, can I kiss you?"
"No."
"Okay."

Levon's still my grinning little guy who is pretty happy to sit in my lap or be carried around by me. He is my dumpling blessing and is too young to tell me not to kiss him so I kiss him a lot.

And now here it is, time to make supper and I just want to get this day over with and go to bed and hopefully wake up a different woman entirely.
Wouldn't that be amazing?
Or at least one that could just be a happier person because I've got so very, very much to make me happy. And I know it.
I've sort of reached the point where I don't even want to blame "depression" or "anxiety" for the days I feel like hell. I just go to my default which is to blame myself and I know that there is a middle ground and I know that there are things I could do to change things.

So. La-di-dah, I as so often say.

I really, really hope that the Carolinas are prepared as this hurricane approaches. It looks like a storm not to be taken lightly.
May everyone be safe.

Love...Ms. Moon








18 comments:

  1. We have a massive mandatory evacuation going on all along the coast of South Carolina right now. Even nursing homes and hospitals are having to move. Although the storm isn't supposed to hit until Thursday, schools all over the state including mine are closed tomorrow until further notice. We're hearing about catastrophic winds and flooding possible. I wasn't too worried until tonight.

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    1. Damn, Jennifer! I sure have been thinking about you. What a mess! But be safe.

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  2. We have been keeping a close eye on the storms. Florence looks quite strong I hope she weakens before she makes landfall and that folks and critters have moved to safer ground. And I hope you find some safer mental ground for yourself.

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    1. Today's been better. Thank you, Wilma. I second your hopes for the storm.

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  3. I've been feeling blue, not depressed but not good either. I'm fine at work, my patients always lift me up, but at home. I'm not looking forward to winter, to being stuck indoors, afraid of slipping on the ice or freezing to death:)

    Ah well. I hope tomorrow is better for both of us.

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    1. It has been for me. I hope for you too, sweetie.

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  4. I am so glad Owen is doing well. That is excellent news.

    Stay dry. Stay warm.

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    1. Owen IS doing well and I am so grateful for that.
      No problem staying warm here. Jesus. It's still so hot.

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  5. I'm so glad that Owen had a routine $450 reflex check (that's what I call them). I'm so glad that he's doing well. I hear you on the rest of it -- I really, really do.

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    1. I don't even know if she checked his reflexes. I just keep remembering the last appointment where the doctor paid more attention to Gibson whom she called "adorable" which was sweet but LADY! THE PATIENT IS OVER HERE! The time before that she paid more attention to Magnolia. I don't have deep trust in her.

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  6. Glad Owen is thriving, and the other babies as well. May you also thrive, and may all the muddled emotions simply waft away. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it happened like that. I do understand that it doesn't. Here's my hand. xo

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    1. I love holding your hand so much. It always, always helps.
      Thank you.

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  7. "...go to bed and hopefully wake up a different woman entirely.
    Wouldn't that be amazing?" Not if that woman was Melania Trump with The Big Orange Monster snoring beside you. Mind you, they probably have separate bedrooms.

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    1. Oh, I am certain they have separate bedrooms.
      Ugh. It makes me feel queasy to contemplate anything having to do with bed and those two.

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  8. I went to Costco yesterday to get the things we get there. the big bag of garlic was on the list and my sister tagged along for some dried blueberries and they didn't have any garlic or any dried fruit that we could find. they did have everything else that I went for though. glad to hear Owen's check-up was routine. moods come and go. we're not meant to be a ray of fucking sunshine all the time!

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    1. Oh, I bet they had dried fruit. They just change things around sometimes to make you go past other stuff you've never noticed before.
      I always buy that bag of garlic too. It kills me sometimes to buy things there that I know I won't be able to use all up like a bag of limes. But when about two dozen (or more) limes cost less than six would at the grocery store, it's hard to pass it up.
      Thank god we're not meant to be a ray of fucking sunshine all the time. No way, no how.

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  9. Maybe it's not a question of blaming anything or anyone. Bad days just happen, don't they? I think it's one of our human illusions that we can control these things.

    I'm so glad Owen's doctor's appointment went well and he's in good shape. I wonder what the skink would say if you asked it "WHY" it was under your porch table?!

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    1. The skink probably would have said, "Because I'm afraid of you, giant human!"
      Bad days do just happen but when a string of them occur one tends to think that maybe something just ain't right.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.