Saturday, December 13, 2014

'Tis The Season For Me To Crawl Under A Rock

Saturday morning and all day yesterday it felt like Saturday and I dreamed of chaos again and a filthy, filthy house and yes...chickens.
Either I really am obsessed with chickens or else they represent something and honestly, I just don't care.
In this dream, I had brought a cage-full of my chickens for a one-week trip on a bus with a preschool. Which makes perfect sense, right? And when it came time to pack up, I had to catch my chickens and put them back in the cage.
My stepfather was involved.
Not in the chicken-catching.

Some dreams leave you in tatters for the whole next day.

So. Christmas.

Lily asked me the other day if I was just pretending it wasn't happening.
"Yes," I said. "I am."

This has worked well up until about NOW and suddenly, I am anxious as can be about it and a few other things too but I don't care to discuss them.
When I was talking to my Lis the other day she told me that she and Lon had gotten the perfect Christmas tree and when was I getting my tree?
I told her that I wasn't planning on getting a tree.
"But you have to!" she said. "You always say you aren't but you do and you know your boys love Christmas trees!"
"They have a tree," I said. "It is a very nice tree. Also, the past five years or so I have gotten trees so small that one tiny string of battery operated lights just about pulls them over."
This too, is true.
Hell, I haven't even gotten Bad Santa out yet. Or the Nativity Scene. Or picked any magnolia branches. I haven't done one damn thing.
And today I sort of feel like I might puke, just thinking about it all.
I just went back through old posts to find this picture.

Bad Santa.

And guess what? I am ALWAYS anxious and depressed this time of year. 

I see bloggers posting about how much they love Christmas and all of the magic associated with it while I feel like I always do this time of year which is that I pray for that giant meteorite to hit the planet and wipe us all out before anyone notices I haven't sent any Christmas cards AGAIN!

And please, don't bother to tell me that it's okay to ignore Christmas. I know that. But it's impossible to ignore it completely, as hard as I try, and the feelings it all dredges up are just shite and I think of all the years I did all the things and bought presents and made presents and sent cards and presents and baked gifts for my kids' teachers and made hundreds of cookies to give and we decorated a tree and the whole house and Santa came and I cooked the Christmas meals and made eggnog from scratch and threw parties and I did it. I did that. I hosted siblings and parents and strays and hung and filled stockings. 
With babies and toddlers and teenagers and sometimes all of those together and I wrapped presents until the wee hours and went to holiday concerts my kids were in, and I made dresses for them to wear and pajamas, too, with matching blankets and how did I do that?

I have no idea. And you want to know the truth? I never did feel any magic. I just felt exhausted. 

I think I'm still exhausted. 

I need to go take a walk, work off some of this anxiety. It is a marvelously beautiful day here and I have no excuse not to. Maybe I'll find a pine tree so small I can yank it out of the ground and bring it home to decorate. 



Love...Ms. Moon


  1. My troll of a neighbour has put up buggery icicles on his house. Hide the pliers and knives, else I might cut the wires or shank him, or both. That is all. The internet swallowed my first comment. Probably just as well... I love you Ms Mary. Really, I do xox

  2. I'm with you, Mary -- screw it. I did all the Xmassy stuff for my kids when they still cared about that, and did the give-away baking, and now I just don't give a rat's ass about any of it. I do, however, delight in night drives when I see all the twinkling coloured lights on other people's houses and in their yards. In my house, it is a miracle if I get the coloured lights out and hang them on a house plant, but I should: I do like them.

  3. This is going to be the best Christmas of my life and I cannot WAIT!! I'm blessed to be in the position to really help some people who really need it - with everything from warm coats and good shoes to a car. I'm marking down the days on the calendar like a sailor anxious to go on leave! There will be the regular family dinners, decorations, etc. But this year those things are secondary. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

  4. I'm with you, but you know that. I ditched christianity and all the trappings in my very early 20s. I don't do christmas and I do not feel even the least bit of guilt. I've ignored it so far and I'm pretty sure I can ignore it for two more weeks.

  5. Your difficulties with the 'season with a reason' resonate in me. I am realizing that my discomfort with it all has some deeper reasons, beyond my not being christian or religious, and now I must dig them out, urgh, probably screwed up family shit....I do know that my willingness to celebrate has trickled away over the years. Refreshing snowflake blessings sent your way, cause, snow is what I got right now... Carroll

  6. Oh the hypocrisy of this holiday for our non-religious family, the embarrassment of riches we already have, the revolting piles of crap nobody really needs at the stores, the piles of decor in the basement I don't want to drag up or down the stairs ever again, the pressure, the guilt, the expectations.... I have been messed up about this holiday and this time of year my entire life. I swear every year I'm not playing, but somehow, I find a little something to do every year - bake or craft or something, so I don't feel like the worst mom/friend/person on the planet and this year I made Christmas cards, but I've yet to sent one out. Ironic, yes?

    My Christmas wish for you is that you do whatever the heck you want, and are guilt free and happy about it. I wish that for us all.


  7. Sandy- Shanking might well be deserved.
    But, honey, I don't have that many people who love me so don't do anything that would get you put in prison. Okay?

    Stubblejumpin Gal- I love colored lights. They are up all year around in my house.

    Anonymous- Well. You certainly have the spirit!

    Ellen Abbott- Yet another reason for me to adore you.

    Carroll- I hear you. Enjoy the snow. I hope it is beautiful.

    Mel- I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head as to some of the reasons this whole thing disgusts me. I did just buy a little Norfolk Island Pine. I might decorate it. Who hates a tree in a pot?

  8. We live in a recreational vehicle. There's no room in it for foolishness. Christmas is now a 12 inch tree from Michael's and a Santa. I can't believe the crap load of stuff we used to do for Christmas, the money, the effort, the all of it. We don't do that anymore and we like it a lot. Have the Christmas you want.

  9. There is a buck with only one horn eating new post-storm grass and looking at me through the window. A slightly skewed half-horned Xmas is indeed all I can manage but I pray I can be strong and make a few dear ones feel pleased and loved.

  10. I know exactly how you feel and I am in the thick of my kids wanting everything you described and more. I just don't have the energy for it. Normally I kind of like Christmas but there is just too much to DO for Christmas (baking, spending, wrapping) and not much time enjoying the supposed spirit of it. I would love to just vacation away from it all every year and forget it. I do love reading your posts though Ms. Mary, every day I do. I have commented but not in a very long time. Just want you to know how glad I am you keep coming here. I look forward to a daily peek into your world. Happy Holidays or fuck the holidays, whatever greeting fits for you. I think the latter for us both. Thanks for writing.

  11. Holy shit. I think that Bad Santa may have brought a curse upon your house. Get rid of him and maybe that will help things. Or not. Likely not. I think I could get into Christmas if it wasn't for all the STUFF that needs to be done. It would be so lovely if it was just a string of lights on your house and a nice dinner with family.
    My mom told me when she was getting married people gave gifts like dish cloths or a set of sheets. Now people register for coffee machines worth $300.00 and blenders that cost more than my first car. Christmas would be nice if it could just be giving small gifts like a set of towels, 2 not 24. Maybe a new set of drinking glasses or even just a plate of cookies.

  12. I am so with you.All the meds in the world are not getting rid of my black dog right now. I am reminding my self that "It is just ONE day" I say this over and over. It is so hard to ignore I know...Hang in there Ms.Moon there are others riding the same boat with you. Ok this is too strange, My word to get to you is: hensGro & and. Hmmm?

  13. This is a I have to share: moments after i commented i went out side and looked up toward a sunset. i saw a HUGE murmeration(?) of swallows!! Darlin i mean HUGE! i know i have poop in my hair and in my mouth! AWESOME! PS headed your way!! Peace...

  14. Don't worry... he really is an odious man, but I have to confess my dark little heart did skip at the mere thought of it! x

  15. Oh there he is, just one post down, and he's not evil, he's BAD. :)

  16. We do Christmas because of memories and not because we are celebrating anything religious. I like the lights in the dark of winter. In Sweden, the lights are left up until mid-January because it is so dark. I like that. The lights and the decorations are happy.


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