Either I really am obsessed with chickens or else they represent something and honestly, I just don't care.
In this dream, I had brought a cage-full of my chickens for a one-week trip on a bus with a preschool. Which makes perfect sense, right? And when it came time to pack up, I had to catch my chickens and put them back in the cage.
My stepfather was involved.
Not in the chicken-catching.
Some dreams leave you in tatters for the whole next day.
Lily asked me the other day if I was just pretending it wasn't happening.
"Yes," I said. "I am."
This has worked well up until about NOW and suddenly, I am anxious as can be about it and a few other things too but I don't care to discuss them.
When I was talking to my Lis the other day she told me that she and Lon had gotten the perfect Christmas tree and when was I getting my tree?
I told her that I wasn't planning on getting a tree.
"But you have to!" she said. "You always say you aren't but you do and you know your boys love Christmas trees!"
"They have a tree," I said. "It is a very nice tree. Also, the past five years or so I have gotten trees so small that one tiny string of battery operated lights just about pulls them over."
This too, is true.
Hell, I haven't even gotten Bad Santa out yet. Or the Nativity Scene. Or picked any magnolia branches. I haven't done one damn thing.
And today I sort of feel like I might puke, just thinking about it all.
I just went back through old posts to find this picture.
And guess what? I am ALWAYS anxious and depressed this time of year.
I see bloggers posting about how much they love Christmas and all of the magic associated with it while I feel like I always do this time of year which is that I pray for that giant meteorite to hit the planet and wipe us all out before anyone notices I haven't sent any Christmas cards AGAIN!
And please, don't bother to tell me that it's okay to ignore Christmas. I know that. But it's impossible to ignore it completely, as hard as I try, and the feelings it all dredges up are just shite and I think of all the years I did all the things and bought presents and made presents and sent cards and presents and baked gifts for my kids' teachers and made hundreds of cookies to give and we decorated a tree and the whole house and Santa came and I cooked the Christmas meals and made eggnog from scratch and threw parties and I did it. I did that. I hosted siblings and parents and strays and hung and filled stockings.
With babies and toddlers and teenagers and sometimes all of those together and I wrapped presents until the wee hours and went to holiday concerts my kids were in, and I made dresses for them to wear and pajamas, too, with matching blankets and how did I do that?
I have no idea. And you want to know the truth? I never did feel any magic. I just felt exhausted.
I think I'm still exhausted.
I need to go take a walk, work off some of this anxiety. It is a marvelously beautiful day here and I have no excuse not to. Maybe I'll find a pine tree so small I can yank it out of the ground and bring it home to decorate.