Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I Broke

I broke last night.
I broke, I shattered, there were pieces of me everywhere on the floor and in the walls and under the rug and there was no end to the tears.
I used to do this all the time.
Now hardly ever.
When it happens, there is no way to predict it, there is no way to end it until it is ended. I shatter and shatter until there is nothing left and then there is the aftermath and I gather all the splinters and sweep them up and rearrange them as best I can and go to bed.

And so it was and so it is.

The sun is shining this morning, it is clean washed by all the rain, bright as a lighthouse bright as a newly minted dime, bright as the diamonds that dance on the waves and the sky is blue like the eye of Norwegian God.

Last night my boys were so sweet when I babysat them before I broke, before I had the slightest idea I was going to. They smushed me with their love and Gibson cried to go home with me and they're coming soon and Boppy is going to come home, that good man, that man who has had to watch me shatter so many times and who holds me so tightly to help the pieces all fit together again, to play with them and my hands know how to do the turkey, the cornbread, the sweet potatoes. My hands know how to roll out the pie crust. My hands know how to do it all, they barely need me.

And as I cook and tend, I am tending and feeding myself on this good day of sun and golden leaves and orange cat who shines in the sun like one of the leaves, she washes her face, she is gleaming and the little one, the little cat, she needs me and I think I survive, have survived, by being needed.
By being loved.


  1. My hands know how to do it all, they barely need me. this is how you know you are making art. xo

  2. I imagine you can put that puzzle back together in the dark by now. maybe the crazy house dreams will stop now for a while.

  3. You needed to cry, to break. The holidays are always hard even when they are good. Your loved ones will hold you. Love.

  4. I understand the feeling of the pieces being shattered and love putting them back together. I get you. And that song from Dylan--another masterpiece.

  5. I am starting to realize that we are just going to have days like this. Sometimes weeks... hopefully not much longer than that. Maybe we just need to stop fighting and pushing these times away because they have to come out. That is what is working for me at least. Today I feel a dark day coming on so I made the decision to do nothing today. I had planned to go to Costco and swimming and to drain the hot tub... an endless list. Instead I will sit in my robe and watch Netflix, read, nap and do some geneology. And most likely cry.

  6. Ms. Moon, you need something. I don't know what that might be. You need some help...

  7. Rebecca- Or doing that which I have done a million times before. And maybe some of it is art.

    Ellen Abbott- You're right and I hope so. Thank you.

    Jo- And back to you, sweet friend.

    Angella- They will and they do. Love and thanks.

    Sabine- I feel your hug and I thank you so.

    Syd- It is a perfect song in so many ways, isn't it?

    ditchingthedog- May a peaceful day bring you peace, dear friend.

    Not Blank- You think? I believe that a house cleaner would be of tremendous help myself. (That's probably not what you meant.)

  8. I hope you are feeling better by now. Good help is hard to find cleaning or other wise. Gail

  9. To break and be entirely glued back together by love must surely be a strengthening process.

  10. Ms. Moon - I have been missing for a while - started a new job, etc. I am sorry it was a breaking, shattering day. I know the feeling very well. These days remind us that life is hard but yet beautiful.

    Blessings to you and your family. Love the orange kitty.

  11. bless you for i am causing a rift in my life. I saw things with PEOPLE in my goings on that just made me Know it might be ok... They are holding hands on the other side of the tracks and saying Happy Thanks Givings.

  12. Mary, I think your breaking and building and writing-honest and true-is your humanity. It's beauty, it's grace, it's real. You are so lucky to be loved by so many, and they by you.

  13. A- Thank you for that poem. Yes. Exactly.

    Marcia- If we did not feel so strongly, we would not have these days. Which I guess is the blessing.

    mary i- May it be a happy thanksgiving. Thank YOU for being here.

    Ashley- I know. It's all true. You can't imagine how lucky I feel. Or maybe you can and if so, you are very lucky too.

  14. It's a cleansing process, a healing, isn't it? I suspect you'll feel much better now. Thinking of you. :)


    I'll just leave this here...

  16. Been reading awhile but not commenting - trying to keep internet time under control. I just want to say that your writing is a beautiful thing; even in the depths of sadness your writing is poetry. I'm glad you have Mr Moon to help in the darkest times. And I hope you feel a bit better today.

  17. I imagine the release is a good thing. I need to do so myself. And yes to the house cleaner -- perhaps a personal trainer, too?

  18. Oh my. I broke into a million pieces the same day you did. I called my sister to find out the same thing happened to her. It was everything and nothing, and maybe the odd emotional baggage we have about the holidays and about family and about the disconnect between our Norman Rockwell visions of how life should be juxtaposed with reality. It was odd, but cathartic to break down and get it out. We are better now, and I know you are too, because I am once again playing catch up on your wonderful posts in reverse.
    But the synchronicity of our meltdowns all over the country, that makes me feel a little bit better about it too, that we are not alone in whatever this is.
    Love to you. xo

  19. Gail- So very, very true. Sadly.

    Steve- It truly was. Like a powerful storm that cleaned up the very earth.

    Jo- I just love that. Love it! Thank you so much.

    jenny-o- Thanks for taking the time to comment. I do appreciate it more than you can know. And yes, I am so lucky to have this good man.

    Elizabeth- Or a good massage therapist. Yeah. That.

    Mel- In my years here in this community, it does seem to me that oddly, so many of us go through things at the same time. I do not pretend to understand but yes, it is somehow very comforting. May we all have some good days now.


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