Can a grandmother have postpartum depression?
Or at least, postpartum unsettledness?
I think I do.
Last night I could feel a switch turn in me, just like the old days when I had hormonal switches, those fast, lightening-like jolts from one stage of my cycle to the next, leaving me panting and breathless and angry and sorrowful and wondering what in hell I was doing here on earth.
But I can't blame hormones now and I am not sure what's going on but it'll pass and knowing that is at least one good thing about aging which honestly, doesn't have a hell of a lot to offer as far as I'm concerned. Sure, you know a lot of shit but no one cares to hear about it and everyone on this earth has to learn the hard way- by experience- so what the hell good is it?
I and everyone else I know keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again and today that seems ragingly obvious to me and it also seems outrageously obvious that I will never be the person I wish I was and never get accomplished the things I would wish I had and yes, yes, okay, yes, that's all okay and fine and so what? but hey- feelings are feelings and these are mine today.
Maybe it's all just knowing that I have done my job, DNA and RNA-wise, done it and done it and yea, even unto the next generation and now I just feel like a vestigial tail or, as they say, tits on a boarhog.
Everything is pissing me off and mostly myself.
But, as I said, this will pass and maybe it's natural. I've come to discover that there isn't a whole lot of groundbreaking information on being a grandparent although now that Anne Lamott has written a book about her first grandchild and the whole experience, I am sure that the subject will be busted wide open and it'll be the new cool thing and I should read that book but I'm too bitter right this second and too pissed off and if anyone in this world would be able to admit that, it would be Anne Lamott and she can do it a whole lot better than I can so there you go.
Go read the book. I'm sure it's fantastic. It's called Some Assembly Required: A Journal Of My Son's First Son.
Then get back to me and tell me if there is such a thing as grandmotherly postpartum depression, okay?
Happy Friday, y'all.
Love...Ms. Moon
I'm in a similar frame of mind lately and so is a friend of mine. She just reminded me yesterday that "sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug." Cliche, I know. But a good reminder.
ReplyDeleteI imagine you to be a sort of east coast/non-born-again Christian Lamott.
ReplyDeleteAs for the wisdom and aging thing you said, so true! But I'm listening to you, really closely, and you've taught me so much. I imagine your effect on me will be life-long -- seriously.
You are still needed to love those of your loins and other special people. And maybe Grandmothers can do it best. Our efforts are not so labour intensive, or as fraught with with second guessing and anguish. We have accomplished what was necessary even if it hasn't been all that we wanted. It's a wise person who can learn from someone else's mistakes but the wise are scarce on the ground aren't they? Ah well. We try to refrain from saying "I told you so" because we are just as foolish.
ReplyDeleteWe can still love and that is needed so much in this world.
Maybe it's more of a coming down from the high of his birth and the tension of waiting for it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's possible to stay up as high as you've been lately, for very long. But it sure was a good high!
ReplyDeleteBut let me tell you, please, I learn! You are a an "illuminated page" and I learn from you every time I read you. The good, the bad and the ugly, it all informs and educates me and I am a better person for having found you and your words.
For me, your most compelling persona isn't mother, grandmother, wife, daughter, neighbor, actor, writer or gardener, (although they are all wonderful!) it is Mary. When you just write as you, about you - your thoughts, dreams, anxieties, fears, insights and illuminations - there is no one else like you out there. You're different, and I like that - I love that. Hell, I need that - ya know what I'm sayin?
Everyone associated with waiting for a big event has a let down time after. It's normal, and as you've noted, it will pass.
ReplyDeleteSometimes i set a timer and grouch until it goes off, then get back to work.
It's in the word itself Ms Moon. De-Press... De-pressure. You were all under pressure waiting on this baby, and now it's here and everyone has to un-wind, depress and get settled. I think what you feel is pretty normal... At least in my book. I would not call you crazy. Not at all. Bless you and your family!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others. Waiting for a baby is exciting and tense. Once the baby has arrived, it can be hard to relax again. And you are definitely still needed, and more than that--you are wanted.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you just want to hold that baby and hold Owen, and hold them and hold them for a long long time. Maybe your arms are just aching from the memory of holding your own babies. Life is full of such aches, but as you say, they pass. In the meantime, I am encircling you with love, and such gratitude that you are in my world.
ReplyDeleteMust agree with Angella, there. Such powerful kinds of aches. I feel them intensely lately, as a friend's illness reminds me of the passage of time and our mortality. But my friend's end-of-life thoughts make me look around and wonder....what will I leave behind? And I see my kiddos :o)
ReplyDeleteWell, it makes sense there would be a sort of crash after the high, I can understand that.
ReplyDeleteI just saw this, related to your other post - Obama seems the know the right thing to say, unlike some other presidential types. http://www.thejournal.ie/obama-on-florida-shooting-if-i-had-a-son-hed-look-like-trayvon-394656-Mar2012/ I hope you feel better soon xx
I think that it was the anticipation of the birth and now that Christmas morning feeling may have ebbed a bit. But when you see Gibson, it will return. Be easy.
ReplyDeleteEverything is pissing me off..mainly me. Ha! I just about said those words to my husband and I definitely just said them to myself. I just came home from a visit to my mom...so much drama on the same ole same ole! From now on when I get home from a couple of days I am going for a 3 hours walk out into the desert and work our my frustrations!...My biggest fear though is that I am becoming just like my mom..not that it is bad but surely there is more.
ReplyDeleteSome days I just need to be pissy and be OK with it. No sense in trying to figure it. Tomorrow is another day. If you are still crabby tomorrow that is OK too. That black dog is a son-of-a-bitch and shows up when things should be happy.
ReplyDeleteI have that book on hold!
ReplyDeleteI second what Elizabeth said.
But as for how you are feeling, of course there is such thing. It makes perfect sense that you're all turned around. Go easy with your dear sweet mother self, okay?