Monday, March 5, 2012

Jesus. Could I Be Any More Random?

Another purely perfect day here in the 'hood and blue skies are smilin' at me and I sort of want to upchuck at the perfection of it all because I am not in the world's best mood but am sort of wishing I was on my way somewhere. The destination would not even matter but it sure would be nice if it involved really, really blue water and people who speak a language I don't understand.

So last night I finished reading The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson and I pretty much ripped through that book. A page-turner for sure in that it was not unlike a car wreck in its ability to capture and keep my attention and damn, it was different and it was well-written and I have to say that the Fang parents were perhaps the worst parents I have ever met in a book. Maybe. I don't know. Here. Let me sum up my critique: That was some crazy shit, there, y'all.
And we wonder why I have never gotten a job reviewing books.
Elizabeth, I know you were reading it. Did you finish it? Did you like it?
I thought it was going to be a bit Wes Andersonish and yes, it was. Which is a good thing. Speaking of Wes Anderson- when in hell is Moonrise Kingdom going to be released? I am seriously jonesin' for some Bill Murray.

Okay, on to my next random observation. Let me think. What would that be?'s a beautiful day.
No, no, I already said that.
Okay, here's one: When you boil shrimp and crab legs, don't put too much salt in the water. Mr. Moon and I practically floated to bed. We both drank about forty-two glasses of water and/or juice after dinner. The seafood was delicious. It didn't TASTE that salty but I guess it was.
(This problem may have been compounded in that we both ate more than enough to satisfy an entire shipload of starving ancient mariners.)

So Mr. Moon noted, while cleaning up dog poop the other day, that one of the dogs at least, had worms. Great, right? First tenacious, untreatable fleas, now worms. We both wondered if perhaps that would be reason to get them put down but decided that no, probably not. So Mr. Moon bought worm pills when he was out buying an egg incubator. We gave the dogs the worm pills. Now we are waiting for the resulting vomiting and bloody stools.
The fun never ends around here.

It seems to me that back when I was a child, my best friend's mother, Mrs. Ferger, incubated chicken eggs with a cardboard box, a lightbulb, and some straw. Things are different now. (Mrs. Ferger may have used dog wormer on her kids. I would not be surprised. It was simpler times back then and god knows we all got worms every spring.) Mr. Moon bought an incubator and an egg turner yesterday and spent hours on the internet trying to figure out how to incubate eggs.
Good Lord. Way too complicated for me. There are humidity and temperature to consider. Also, of course, the turning of the eggs. You have to turn the eggs for eighteen days and then stop. But is that eighteen days after the hen has laid the egg or eighteen days after you have begun the incubation process?
Who knows? Not us.
Also- I just took a picture of the eggs being incubated in the device and then went to put the cord on the camera to transfer the picture to here and dammit, the little cord won't connect and I looked in there to the connection place and it looks fucked up! What happened? I successfully transferred about fifty pictures yesterday via the cord.
Okay. I just used the card to transfer. This sucks. This is going to mess my life up bad.
Anyway, here's the picture:

Looks like a prop in a bad old science fiction movie, doesn't it?
Poor little orphan eggs in there. Why won't my hens set? I don't know. They are terrible mothers. They lay eggs and then just abandon them to go out drinking with the girls and have wild sex with the rooster.
I keep thinking that if any of these eggs do, by some miracle hatch, the resulting chicks are going to be wandering around like that poor little bird in Are You My Mother looking endlessly for a mother-figure. The dog is not my mother. The cow is not my mother. The plane and the boat and the Snort are not my mother. Etc.
My luck they'll think I'm their mother.
Well, that wouldn't be so bad.

I suppose I have wasted enough time here. I have to take a walk and then make that baby quilt. When a baby is coming due, you feel like there must be some magic required to bring it on. Like we have these powerful powers to get the labor started. At the moment, I feel like the baby is waiting for the quilt to be finished. This of course is ridiculous but still- one must do all one can. Lily says she's been bouncing on the giant yoga ball. Owen enjoys watching that. I remember once, when my mother was overdue with a baby, she literally jumped off the kitchen table. Women become desperate at such times. (Note- do not try that at home. It is not recommended to jump off a table to induce labor. Plus, it didn't really work. No. You should let the medical people induce your labor with the special drugs they have including one that is put up your vagina which was originally designed to prevent the formation of nonsteroidal anti-inflamatory drug ulcers, which has been known to cause uterine rupture and amniotic fluid embolism. Yes. Really.) I myself once drank an inappropriate amount of black and blue cohosh tea and then went jogging to get a labor started. This did not really work too well either. Anyway, I want to get that quilt finished and that's all there is to it.

So I will stop here even though I am sure I could just ramble on all day long, talking about diverse and interesting things up to and including Rush Limbaugh but I refuse to talk about him and am hoping that he will just disappear off the face of the earth. I doubt that will work and I doubt that finishing the baby's quilt will work in essence of it making Lily go into labor if I do but one must do what one must do, logic be damned.

Happy Monday, y'all!

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily! Go Lily!

    I hope that works.

  2. The worms are probably a tape worm that came from the flea. It is an interesting life cycle in which the flea is the intermediate host for the worm eggs. The dog ingests the flea when nibbling and there you go--tape worms. The proglottids looks like little rice grains. Not uncommon because it is so hard to get rid of fleas in the deep South.

    I am hoping that Rush will join Newt on the moon colony--soon. And can you even say President Romney or President Santorum. I cannot.

  3. My grandmama and mama both swear by castor oil to get labor going. I didn't try it myself. That may be because even though I love my grandmama with all my heart and soul, I have come to realize that she is completely crazy.

  4. Birdie- I am sure it will help!

    Syd- I know. I know. About the flea/worm connection, anyway.
    Hell- I still can't say President Bush. Okay. Now I have to go wash my hands with Clorox.

    Stephanie- Naw. Your grandmother is right. Castor oil sure can work. But we're not that desperate yet. It's not even her due date until next Monday.

  5. Vomiting and bloody stools? Jesus, what sort of evil ass worm pills do you give? My dogs never had that sort of reaction.

  6. Maybe you should whisper to Lily's baby that if he/she comes out, Rush Limbaugh will disappear from the face of the earth.

    That should do it.

    (And I'm not quite finished with it, yet, because The Family Fang is loaded onto my phone and I only read it in the carpool line!) But I do love it --

  7. Speaking of bloody wormy stool, what comes from Rush's mouth is even more pathetic when he backhandedly apologizes for it.

    The Doc advised us to consider, um, a more traditional inducer to be, "put up [the] vagina", which oddly, was the same thing that caused the pregnancy. I can't remember if it worked; I was sleepy and drunk. WHICH, was how...

  8. well now, that is some book recommendation. dang. I may just have to read that sucker.

    so, once the chicks have hatched, can they go out with the chickens or will the chickens peck at them as 'aliens?' I used to raise pigeons, and would sometimes have to rescue newly hatched birds that became the coop scape-goat for something or other. Kept 'em warm and fed until they were big enough to rejoin the flock and kick some bird butt.

    that baby will come when it is good and ready. usually does. good luck with it all.

  9. Jo- Those, like uterine rupture, are only possible side-effects.

    Elizabeth- When I got to the near-end, I couldn't not read it. A car wreck, I tell you! In a good way.
    That trick might work for Lily's baby.

    Magnum- You always nail it, boy. Even when drunk and sleepy. Ha!

    Taradharma- I have the feeling we'll have to keep the chickens separated for some time if these eggs do ever become hatchlings.
    Yep. Lily's baby will come when he or she is ready. That is the truth!

  10. I must have missed something but don't you have hens to incubate their own eggs? Altho I can see that an egg incubator would be an intriguing sort of way to spend a morning.

    And thank you for the book recommendation! I am putting it on my list. Keith Richards Life was certainly worth the $. Wow. I'll never hear the rolling stones the same again.
    tiny todger, bad boy. ha.

    love d
    ps now if i can decipher the anti-robot code...

  11. Those baby chicks will bond to you. Pictures are required, my the way, as you lead them around the yard. If you haven't seen the NPR movie, "Chickens", you owe it to yourself.

    Labor starting' stuff-SEX and more SEX, acupuncture, Oil of Evening Primrose, castor oil (yetch) and more SEX. Compliments of this here midwife.

    XXXXX Beth

  12. deirdre- I am SO glad you liked the Keith book. Tiny dodger indeed! But big balls! Family Fang isn't as good as Keith's book but then- what is? And my hens are not setters in that they don't want to sit on their eggs. Some hens are and some are not. If you're raising chicks for eggs, you don't want hens that go broody. They actually breed the desire to sit on eggs out of them!

    Beth- She's been using the Evening Primose oil since 37 weeks. She takes it and uses it up the you-know. She is also having sex but says the Evening Primrose is easier. Haha! She tried acupuncture last time with NO result. She's still early. She just greatly fears she'll go late. She did last time and had to get induced and you know what that means...

  13. Very fertile territory over there, Ms. Moon. Lots happening. I'm beginning to think I should read Family Fang, though I fear it's not the warm and fuzzy dog story I want and need right now. Oh, I just checked out a minute and read about it on Amazon. Looks better than the warm and fuzzy dog story. I'll check it out. Thanks.

  14. At the end of both my pregnancies, I made MW have sex with me and he put me into labor both times. Just sayin. Like magic.

  15. My mother said to pack your bag for the hospital and carry it up and down the stairs a few times.

    I don't know nuthin bout birthin no chickens!

  16. Happy Monday back, and if it's any help, i always went into labor when i got dehydrated. My dad, the Ob/Gyn, said that made logical sense because it concentrated the labor hormones in the blood. Just saying.

  17. Andrea- It is somewhat horrifying but very interesting. The author has it goin' on for sure.

    Angry Squaw- Well, that one never worked for me. Not that I had sex with MW! No, no. You know what I mean...

    Jeannie- Me neither on the chickens.

    messymimi- Now you know, that's one I'd never heard! Huh! I'll pass that one on to Lily. It DOES make sense in a way. Not that you really want to be dehydrated going into labor. I always puke the entire time I'm in labor so that might not be good for someone like me. But...might work for Lily. Thanks!

  18. Random wisdom is as good as any other wisdom.

    Those hens who left the eggs are sluts. I say tape that chicken sex so we can watch it.

  19. I've heard dehydration increases the likelihood of labor, too. I've also heard eating really spicy food helps, though it's not the food but rather the pooping-out of the spice that releases prostaglandins. And sex, acupressure, female orgasm (hey, it's a different animal than just getting semen up there). Shit. You and Lily know how to google, but it's fun to talk about (I'm 37 weeks pregnant, myself).

    Also, I heard chickens are so damned de-chicken-ized what with being bred for pretty feathers and heaps of eggs that the majority have lost their broody nature.

    Two topics I know a little something about! *pats self on the back*


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.