Friday, March 9, 2012

The Housewife's Lament

The birds are ripping notes right out of the music of the spheres playlist and Elvis is crowing and the new ferns are new-fern green and the sky is somewhat gray.

So yeah. Okay.

Another day in Lloyd and it's Friday, this day is. I guess today I won't be sitting around waiting for Dr. X to call, huh? Nope. I'll just get on with life, meaning I can take the trash.

I feel so stuck. I feel so stuck that I'm thinking that I could use a fucking career. Hell- it's not too late, right?
Career, career...let's

That's one of those words that if you look at it long enough begins to look like a word that isn't a word.

What in hell would I do? I'm still hoping for that great gig waiting tables. I could be that mean old waitress who creates eyebrows with Maybelline, who snatches the ketchup away from your hands and says, "You've had enough!" The one whose swollen feet rise up and over her white shoes like cupcakes, overpoured into their little baking cups.

On the other hand, I could maybe have a career in a laundromat, folding laundry. I could see that. I love those basket-things with wheels that you can move your vast amounts of laundry in from washing machine to dryer. I love that they have folding tables. I love the little vending machines with the tiny boxes of Tide.
Yeah. I could do that.

I tell you what- I will NOT be at Cannes this year, not even as Wes Anderson's valet. I found out yesterday that his newest movie, the one I PLEADED with him right here on this blog to have a role in won't be out until May 25. But it's going to open Cannes.

So forget that career making movies with Wes Anderson. Or Bill Murray. Freddy is wrapping up his first feature film and he didn't ask me to be in it but since it's a Christian movie with a Christian theme, that's probably best for both of us. Some Christians offered him some big bucks for distribution and advertising if he'd make that movie and so he did and I am proud of him. Plus, he's a Christian himself, that Freddy, although not a judgy-preachy one and I guess he got that gene. I sure as hell didn't. We love each other anyway.

Anyway, no Cannes-related career for me although I would be proud to be the official Red Carpet Sweeping Woman. Do you suppose they have one of those? Even movie stars must track dirt. Don't you think? And a broom- so much classier than a vacuum cleaner. Also, quieter.

Ah. Hell.

I have a career. I'm the last remaining housewife. And also a grandmother.

I suppose I should clean something. Isn't that what housewives do? Clean? And cook?

Wait a minute- isn't there a bon-bon clause in the housewife contract?

No. There is not. That's just an old housewive's tale.

Lily just called. She found a doctor. He's a family doctor. He'll COME TO THE HOUSE AND DO THE NEWBORN CHECK THERE!

Bless. Bless. Bless.
(His name is Ness.)

I remember when Hank was born and although I'd wanted a home birth and spent something like 28 hours laboring at home, I ended up in the hospital and they did not want to let me come home that same day but I did anyway and the guy who was the pediatric resident at the time was a young hippie-ish doctor and he came to our house the next day and did a follow-up exam on Hank and I'll never forget that. Never, never, never. Thirty-six years ago and I can still remember how grateful I was for his attention and me not having to go anywhere with my bleedy uterus, my starting-to-fill breasts, watching him check my baby's hips, listen to his tiny heart, smiling as he sat on my bed and pronounced my baby perfect.
He went into sports medicine or he'd be my doctor to this day.

I feel all weepy and inadequate today. I suppose that will pass. The birds have taken their choir to another part of Lloyd. Elvis is still crowing. I better put my hair up in curlers, put on my house-dress with some Kleenex in the pocket and go do housewife things such as letting the chickens out and cleaning their nests and taking the trash and doing the laundry and eating bon-bons. And later I'll be taking care of my grandson.

Do they still have soap operas on TV?

Happy Friday, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Oh, that is the best visual ! You with curlers and kleenex and a broom. The polar opposite of the "maggie" in her slip sipping bourbon on the porch.
    Wish you could be on the back of a motor scooter zipping down the boulevard to go get rum and then lay on the beach with your sweetie with your toes painted red .... now that would more the real MM....dreaming:)

  2. I got the career. That's for sure. And I feel weepy and inadequate constantly for all that I don't have. Grass is always, always you.

  3. So glad that there is a reasonable doctor on the scene for Lily.

    You are much more than a waitress or laundromat queen. Don't sell yourself short which I know that you don't do anyway. Hell, Bill Murray lives right in this town. I see him at basket ball games occasionally (when I go). Maybe you could hang out on Sullivan's Island and chat with him. It would be nice if he would go rowing sometime. He would probably like it.

  4. I am still a housewife although I do my husbands books - at home.

    I did not have my kids at home. I doubt there were midwives around here at the time. Just as well. With the first I'd have bled to death. I think I'd have been ok with the twins even with the 2nd being breach. It could have been bad and the doc was freaking because there was no anaesthetist around - but everything went as well as it could. I did hate the stirrups. Because of the twins, they wouldn't let me use the birthing chair. Why do they use stirrups?

  5. Liv- Your lips to god's ear.

    SJ- I don't really want a career. I just sort of want to make money.

    Syd- Jesus, boy. Next you'll be telling me you know Keith Richards. Damn!

    Jeannie- There is a time for home birth and there is a time for hospital birth. I can't say address the bleeding situation because I don't know the circumstances- I do know that midwives carry pitocin for such things. I always bleed after giving birth A LOT but my midwives took care of it.
    The stirrups are used for the doctor's convenience. Period. The end. That position is about the worst way to give birth humanly possible.

  6. I think it would be a warm and lovely job to work at a Laundromat. I like the carts with wheels too. I love the smell. Oh, and those clothes when they come out of the dryer! I could fold clothes forever into nice piles of organization. However, I am sure people who do this job are paid crap wages. I think that is too bad.

    Anyway, I am thinking about you and Lily lots. Godspeed and lots of love. Merbaby will be here soon!

  7. Weepy and Inadequate Anonymous, that is us.

  8. I am so glad that yesterday's disaster (losing Lily's pediatrician) had a surprise happy outcome pediatrician will come right to house. Wow.

    Maybe your rant helped....I am sure it helped you to vent and keep the top of your head from exploding.

    I love these little miracles......that is what I call them....I have had a bunch of them and am so grateful.

    PS. Please Consider giving up verification for your blind followers' sake.

  9. I wish your career could be writing a column for your newspaper -- I think you'd be terrific. Or maybe Hank could set you up with a podcast. Wouldn't that be amazing? We could listen to your stream of consciousness every morning from Lloyd? We could even wear our housedresses and put tissues in our pockets while we streamed it.

  10. They are so wrong not to bring you to Cannes.

    Don't bother with soap operas; i long ago found out life is stranger and more wonderful than anything they have on tv.

  11. I have been giggling for hours about your housedress vision. We need to put one on and send you a photo. Forget the Red Hat club.
    I agree you really need a column. And a cookbook about making pancakes and such.

  12. Birdie- Exactly! You understand! Laundromats can be lovely havens of peace and the scent of fabric softener. Thank you for your good wishes about Merbaby. We're ready...

    Jo- WAI- yes. Hi! My name is Mary and I am weep and inadequate...

    Lo- Life is full of little miracles. The thing is to pay attention and note them. As to the word verification- oh hell. Now I feel guilty. They have gotten a little bit better, don't you think? I just hate all the spam I get without them. I feel like I have to go through all of them to make sure I haven't missed any. I'm so sorry1

    Elizabeth- A podcast would be fun. But who in this whole world would sponsor it and give me money? I doubt anyone. Maybe I should do some video blogs. I'll think about it. Get your house dress ready.

    messymimi- Don't worry. I'm not going to start watching soap operas. I promise.

    Michele R- This IS my column. And it brings me so much joy.

  13. I think your title should at least be housewife/writer. Give yourself credit. You are constantly putting out gems like:
    "I could be that mean old waitress who creates eyebrows with Maybelline, who snatches the ketchup away from your hands and says, "You've had enough!" The one whose swollen feet rise up and over her white shoes like cupcakes, overpoured into their little baking cups."

    Love that.

    So glad Lily found a replacement pediatrician. I'm sure the last one gave in to "liability" concerns, or was prompted to do so by his insurance company. Such companies and concerns seem to rule the American world these days.

    x0, N2

  14. YAYYY! HOOORAAAAH! I am so glad a doctor appeared who will come out and see the baby at home and that Lily doesn't have to worry about that. And neither do you and neither do I.


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