Let's talk about Valentine's Day. Really, I'd rather not. I am so screwed up in the head about that holiday. I wrote a post about it two years ago that was titled Valentine's and Other Follies of the Human Heart and really, it said it ALL! For me, anyway.And now I'm two years older and my Valentine and I have been together for two more years, making it a grand total of twenty-seven years together, twenty-five married, and still...STILL, I pre-grieve Valentine's Day.
WHY can't I just either forget it and pretend it's not happening or else MAKE A PLAN? We discussed it last night, Mr. Moon and I and we sort of came up with a plan. I will make him a very special dinner and there will be romance and maybe he'll get me a little something-something.
And of course he's already stressing out about that. WHAT? What would I want? I mean, he already bought me new pruners this week. And I appreciate that and I appreciate with all my heart the fact that there is NO WAY for him to come out a winner on Valentine's Day. My head is logical but my heart is screwed up. The screwed-upness comes, I'm almost certain, from not having a father and then having a stepfather who abused me. Because of that, no matter what happens, no matter how long this wonderful, loving, sane man loves me, I'll still be broken in some part of my soul and I'll still always be looking for some magic to happen (on Valentine's Day?) to make it all good, to mend all the broken pieces, to make me feel really and truly and at last....loved.
And that's just too damn much to ask of one man on one holiday.
Yesterday, over at Just Eat It, Michelle posted a piece that made me cry. I don't mean little tiny tears formed in a shiny glaze over my eyes, I mean I sobbed.
It's about a father and a daughter and the strength to make that bond work.
Michelle said, "cause that father/daughter thing is serious fucking business," and she is right.
And it's not something you can go back and redo when you're all grown up. Sorry. Can't happen.
And it's not fair at all, not one tiny molecule of fairness to be found in the situation, that Mr. Moon has to keep paying for something he had nothing to do with.
Valentines. Fuck it. Whether Mr. Moon just ignores the day entirely or buys me a ruby as big as one of Miss Betty's eggs, it ain't gonna fix what's broke and Mr. Moon is going to feel as if he failed me but it's not Mr. Moon that will have failed. And I have to keep telling him this. And I have to TRY very hard to remember that fact myself.
The responsibility lies with my old drunk, dead daddy. And with that man who was sick in the head. And with a mother who didn't understand. And with me. Don't forget me. Because by this point in my life, it's time to quit blaming and cowboy up and accept what is instead of hoping someone else can fix me.
I don't forget for one second that I am living a life better than anything I could have dreamed of in my wildest dreams. I have EVERYTHING right here in my hands, my house, my heart including the proof of the man who says he loves me, napping in a cozy little bed in the hallway.
So there, Valentine's Day. So there, Cupid. So there, Zales Jewelry.
I don't need your crappy red hearts and gooey candy and little honey-tipped arrows.
And all I have to do is remember that and take what comes my way as just more gravy on the deliciousness that is my life already.
Remind me, okay? Because like I said, my mind is logical but my heart still bears the scars of being shattered too young. And I know I am not alone. I feel so stupid even writing all of this down but maybe, if someone who reads this understands and recognizes her- or himself in it, it will have been worth it.
We have to love ourselves to let our hearts accept the love of others and until we do, nothing in this world will convince us we are loved. That may be the key right there- the key to our hearts.
Well. I don't know.
But, as we say here in the Church of the Batshit Crazy, bless our hearts. Our wounded, sacred hearts.
On Valentine's Day as on every other day.
Bless our crazy hearts.
You made me cry. Again. For that little girl you were. Misunderstood and ignored by her mother, abused by her stepfather, not knowing a real daddy's love. There are some things that permanently scar the heart, and although the pain lessens it doesn't disappear. I am so sorry, Ms. Moon. You are such a dear woman, so full of life and purpose and love. And Mr. Moon understands. He knows you and he loves you the way you are.
ReplyDeleteBless your heart, Ms. Moon, for having the heart to write this post, and to speak a truth that so many of us understand completely.
ReplyDeleteDamn the man that wounded your heart. And damn the forces that conspired to make a single manufactured holiday symbolize something so sacred. A card does not do the trick. Not jewelry, not flowers, not a romantic dinner for two. I'm not saying I wouldn't mind them, but I'll trade them for the man that comes home every night and loves me just the way I am, no matter how messed up that actually is, thanks to my own wounded little girl heart. You see how lucky and blessed you are, that is such a good thing. I wish you didn't feel stupid writing it down, but I do the same thing to myself. The statute of limitations on my childhood has passed, but tell that to my fragile psyche. I'm still trying to patch me back into something I consider whole, but since I'm the never satisfied type, I should know better.
Anyway, bless your crazy heart, and your willingness to share it with the rest of us.
Now off I go to read your older post about Valentines Day. :) Hugs.
Dang, Ms. Moon, I'm still sniffling from that link to your perfect post that made me laugh, then cry and laugh again. I love you. Happy Valentines Day a little early!
ReplyDeleteDear Ms Moon, this is now nothing more than a Hallmark Holiday. You have love the rest of the year at your fingertips, give the day a rest and make no plans or make the same plans you would make with Mr. Moon. We never got into the Hallmark Holidays and we treat them as what they are: a contest. We do not care for contests and never enter any. Valentine's is not an exception.
ReplyDeleteDo something different this year, go out for a ride somewhere else, or hold a funeral in your back yard for all the real and imaginary wounds, the ones that others caused you and the ones that you may have caused to yourself without realizing that was what you were doing. Write down all the things that hurt you right now and then go out and make a hole in the ground in the back forties and set them afire. Watch them burn and make that a grave to set yourself free. I am a firm believer that the Universe needs tangible proof of need in order to do something about it, and yours should do.
Don't give power to ghosts. While the wrongs or omissions are in the past, your memory brings them to the present. So, bury them. It is hard, and the relationships between parents and children are an intangible yet one of the most powerful equations as to how we react in our own relationships. Mary dear, you have more love around you than anyone I know. Don't feel guilty about it and punish yourself for what you think you don't deserve, because it doesn't take a psychologist to see that testing love is proof that we don't believe we deserve it. And you do, so leave the past where it belongs and set yourself free. You have earned it.
Ms. Moon-
ReplyDeleteMy sacred heart loves your sacred heart HUGELY.
From the very beginning you filled me up and you keep filling me up. To overflowing.
I love you Mary
There's no plastic surgery for our hearts and minds. Love can be a surgeon, but it can never wipe away all the scars from the past. I am glad that you have a huge love cloud over your head and when darkness comes, it surrounds you. Bless our hearts is right. Thank you for feeling funny about putting these words on here, but doing it anyway. That's inspiring.
ReplyDeleteI love both your Valentines posts, glad you put the link in for the older one.
ReplyDeleteWe don't celebrate Valentines Day. Denny doesn't actually celebrate any holiday without personal meaning. He goes all out for our anniversary and my birthday and the anniversary of the day we moved to Texas. And he likes Thanksgiving. Knowing that all four are about our life together, I'm happy. I'm happy when he is enthusiastic about my writing. And helps every day with housework. And hugs me to sleep at night. So I don't care about flowers on VDay, I have a Valentine every day.
Michelle is one of my favorite writers, and her post yesterday was powerful.
ReplyDeleteExpectations are so cruel, because it always leaves that sense of dissatisfaction, of disappointment.
It's pernicious.
It comes back to the sacred duty and challenge to love ourselves without fear, without waiting for the shoe to drop.
I struggle with that, especially in the evening.
I'll always be the girl that feels ugly, and that's a terrible thing to hold on to.
PS I loved Ms. Allegra's idea of a funeral for past pain. And I'm thinking you might like taking Owen for the night so his mom & dad can have a date. You wouldn't be sad with the baby in your arms.
ReplyDeleteAfter a very tough break up (before Thanksgiving, years ago)I became painfully aware how un-fun holidays can be. It is a bitter taste I carry with me still. When my parents died, Christmas became an Everest I had to trudge up every year. Dear Lord I hate Valentines day. To much pressure to be some kind of Halmark robot, with a creepy smile, if you ask me. Break on through to the other side Sister Moon.
ReplyDeleteSee ya at Easter.
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ReplyDeleteBless your wounded, crazy heart. I understand what you're saying and hug your for all of it. All of it.
ReplyDeleteValentine's Day is stupid.
If you want you can think about Sophie on Valentine's Day. St. Valentine was evidently one of the patron saints of epilepsy. And Valentine is the name, too, of our goofy, crazy white Standard poodle who was supposed to be a therapy dog but was just too dumb and is now our family dog.
There, did that at least make you laugh?
OK...I had to delete and try again because my mind and fingers were not cooperating with each other. This post and your previous Valentine's Day post had me in tears. Those, combined with your post about the love story, have been enough to even make be get out of my rut and actually write a post of my own for the first time in ages. I love how your mind operates and how your heart loves. Big hugs and kisses to you for being such a beautiful voice of reason, experience, and inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI quit V day a long time ago. It is a commercial holiday, totally. If you have a lover, then your anniversary is your day to celebrate.
ReplyDeleteI have a god feeling that you have to keep reminding yourself that you deserve all the love you have. I think when we are abused so young, we cannot reconcile that we did not deserve the abuse somehow, because that is partly how we are taught, and partly a developmental thing too. But our core KNOWS we didn't deserve abuse, we deserve LOVE. Our messages get all crossed. Keep reminding, you hold the power now. Take it BACK and KEEP it! You deserve every bit of honey dripping love you have and MORE... Happy lovers day!
PS If I had Glennos cell with me, i'd call him and tell him to stop stressing and get you a damn holster for that pruner! :-p
no one needs to be serious about celebrating a holiday that when abbreviated, is synonymous with the clap.
ReplyDeletehere's to the healing we all need from the scared children we were, and the ghosts of those children that haunt us in times of uncertainty and upheaval. let's celebrate our healing and our strength 365 days a year, without a card, or token or trinket. our celebration is simply living, with our whole hearts and souls, openly, honestly and without guilt or remorse.
xxalainaxx
Well -I have much to say as usual and no idea how to put it into words. I am grateful for my father who continues to overly love me and has doted on me throughout my childhood but that hasn't been without obstacles. And let's not forget my lovely stepfather which made my life infinitely harder growing up. I have a hard time trusting men anyway, despite having a Dad who has never left or hurt me in any way. That alone makes me feel even crazier. Shit. I hate Valentines Day.
ReplyDeleteYou are also my Valentine, you know. There, that way Mr. Moon doesn't have to go that shit alone, with all that pressure.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Mary Moon. I truly do.
Maybe...
ReplyDelete...valentine's day
is not just about
over-priced roses
guilty husbands
another excuse for shopping
unwanted perfumed advances
decorated paper bags
filled with cartoon
juvenile love notes...
Maybe
it is true red warmth
sent winging across the miles
creamed with butter, sugar and nuts
molded into the shape
of haphazard hearts
coated with heat-spiked chocolate
and given in thanks
for those small acts
of friendship and joy
that make a difference
in your everyday life.
Delivering virtual cookies in thanks for your honest and heart felt writing every day. x0 N2
Of course that all makes sense.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad you wrote about it.
It's brave and right and helpful.
I will reminded you.
You remind us of so much.
Blessings to you.
Angie M- Oh. I thank-you so much for those words.
ReplyDeleteMel- Yes. Our fragile psyches. Happy Valentine's Day to you, too!
Allegra- Yes to all of that. I am going to have that funeral. You are SO precious.
Michelle- You do all of that for me and I love you, too.
Nicol- I can only write what's in my heart. Thank-you.
Kathleen Scott- I do too and I know how lucky I am.
Nancy C- I'm sorry that you understand so well what I was saying. I have that same struggle, but it's in the morning for me. But same-same. Ah. We need to believe in ourselves.
Brother Wrecking Ball- Yeah. Easter. I'm always good at that one- eggs and green things make me very happy.
Thanks for reminding me.
Elizabeth- Yes. Thank-you. A dog too stupid to be a therapy dog! Yes, I will think of Sophie and I will be hoping she is having a good day, reaching for light and mermaids.
K- I am so glad I could inspire you to write. It was a good post, too. Keep writing.
Ms. Fleur- You're so sweet. And you're right about the mixed messages. Love you, dear.
Miss A- You're right.
SJ- Does ANYONE like Valentine's Day? Thank-you.
Ms. Bastard- Only if I can be your Valentine, too, you sweet woman.
N2- I think those are the sweetest cookies I've ever gotten. Thank-you.
Bethany- Yes.
Valentine's Day is for kids, and people in new relationships. I am too old for it now, and that is a relief.
ReplyDeleteI may post about this though...