Sunday, February 14, 2010

Do You Have To Believe?

I woke up this morning to a day which is crisp and cold and as light-shot as heaven must surely be. The cardinals are chipping their Valentine's Day song in the trees and I am sure they are happy with the way the light pours over them as they sing. The chickens are huddled together but out of the coop and tiny Miss Betty is in the midst of them all.

It's a small miracle that bird is still alive and I am glad we performed it. See Pretty Miss Betty? I ask Owen when we go out to see the chickens. And he does. Sam did not kill her and never will. She lets herself be close with the other hens. She does not need to go out by herself every day to escape his cruel clutches, his sharp beak. She can cluck and scratch with the rest of the flock and that makes me so happy.

I was happy when I got up this morning. I wandered around, getting coffee and the paper and wondering why on earth that should be. It is Sunday, after all, and a holiday to boot. I should be drenched in despair, I should be internally wailing and moaning and wearing my hair-shirt, my crown of thorns. But no, just....walking around thinking, what a pretty day.

Then it struck me. Could it be? Is there any relation to what I did last night, which was to do what Allegra told me to do (look-you send me beautiful earrings and I'll do whatever you tell me) and I wrote down a few words on paper and asked for certain burdens to be lifted from my heart and I named names and said that I don't even know if I believe in forgiveness and that in any case, I don't forgive, but still- could the pain these people caused me be lifted? Could it? And would Sue and Lynn help dance those words up? And by the way, hello to the dear ones who have changed planes before me and not only hello, but I love you.

And I folded the paper and put it in my pocket and when Mr. Moon got the fire pit going like a crematorium with white hot heat rising up off it, I threw in the paper and sat and watched it burn. It took a long, long time, even in that heat.

It was dark before it all burned.

And that was that. I felt like my yoga teacher when I kept recommending acupuncture to her for her back. "Do you have to believe in it for it to work?" she asked.
Because I don't believe in shit.
But I can take instruction.

Anyway, as I was being rather cheerful this morning and wondering why, I remembered burning that paper and I had a moment. One of those moments where your molecules freeze up. You know?

Mmmm. I said. And Huh!

Well, you know me. I still don't believe but I'm still feeling rather cheerful. And if the results of the burning ceremony last for only one day, that's plenty.

It's a beautiful day. Mr. Moon is cutting up the potatoes to plant. I need to make him his breakfast. I wonder if my Lizzie is making her Lonnie heart-shaped biscuits as I type this. I wouldn't be surprised.

We have rehearsal this afternoon and we're going to wear our costumes. I am looking forward to that. We painted the set yesterday, a bright cheery yellow and today we're going to "decorate" the set. We have created a fake-believe Bed and Breakfast for us to play in and what could be more fun?

One of the things I wrote down on that paper last night was a plea for my heart to be emptied of anger and pain and to be filled with all the love and goodness and blessings I have been so very lucky to receive.

I feel that today. From this lovely, cold morning to the man in the kitchen cutting up the potatoes to plant, to the birds on the feeder and the birds in the coop and the cats in the yard, the sun warming their fur, and to the afternoon that waits before me. I feel all of that.

I feel the miracle of the living bird, the air, the water, the light, the sweet, honey light, the love that makes it all possible.
I am receiving it all purely this morning, I am sending it back out to you.



  1. That Allegra is one wise woman and you are wise to follow her instructions. I don't think you have to believe at all for it to work, you just have to have a tiny bit of hope in your heart. Or maybe not even, maybe just following the instructions of a dear friend is enough. It seems like it was. I love this writing. This is better than any breakfast I could make for myself this morning. Thank you for the light meal. I'm so happy about Miss Betty too. And you, today, feeling more than fine. Happy Valentine's Day. You didn't need us to remind you of all the good. You reminded yourself. I'm spelling out Bless Our Hearts on pastel pink, green and blue candy hearts for you.

  2. Thanks for sending it back out.
    I caught it.
    Happy Sunday.

  3. Bethany- Hmmm. Sweet candy hearts. Bless YOUR heart, you sweet woman and Happy Valentine's.

    Lisa- GOOD. Now keep it in your heart.

  4. 'Because I don't believe in shit.
    But I can take instruction.'

    this is one of the most profound things i have ever read.

    i like the idea of a burning ceremony. i might have to try that the next time we have a fire.


  5. I am so happy for you today. Miss Allegra is a very wise woman, and so are you. There is nothing like watching a fire burn to soothe the soul, it's almost meditative for me. Next one we light, I'm going to have my little paper ready to burn, because I can follow instructions too!
    Thanks for the lovely post - I'm so happy that Miss Betty is safe now.Happy Valentines Day, Ms. Moon!

  6. i read your post about valentines day..about the over whelming feeling that no matter what your mr.moon could offer it would not be enough.
    i did not i needed to carry you around with me and reflect on the idea of scathed hearts and the complexities they present over and over across the landscape of any given day. and how they can rattle on to effect others.

    i thought very deeply about every ones hearts..and what life presents in the seasons of our lives. i thought about how my mother was so damaged by her own father, so deeply hurt, that the girl child within her would never allow any mother warmth to shine, let alone trickle in all the days
    of my life.

    so when i went to bed last night, on the eve of valentines day i filled your heart with the golden dependable love of my father. yes, a father's love. immediate, radiant and as sweet as sunrise whispering, this is your perfect new day. welcome to the bright new world where you are loved completely. and i sent this same love and acceptance to my mother.

    and when i did this, i am sure the birds of sunrise sang more sweetly.

    i am so happy to read your morning post. to hear about allegra's wise and compassionate advice. to feel the very air of this new and promising day for y o u.

    sending you love,

  7. Thank you for ALL your beautiful sentiments and for sharing your world with me. I will go out more cheerful today for having read, seen and felt a bit of your happiness.

    Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours!

  8. You made me smile. For you and for your world. And for all of the world.

    And as is so often the case with my commenting on your posts, that's all I am able to articulate.

  9. That is interesting...maybe I should give that a whirl. I'm so glad you're having a good weekend.

  10. I am not wise, I just pay attention and try to keep what I think could help. As a messenger sometimes I risk being shot, but if the message is worth the shooting, I deliver it anyway.

    You don't have to believe, you did it. That is all that is needed and you had help, because as I told you once love is truly like a radio wave, and it comes back to you when you cannot even see it.
    This is one of those cases, I am sure. So go ahead and every time you feel some melancholy, think of the fire, and of the warmth of those who love you, and you must believe in that, with all of your heart. Because it is true, and this love will last into the days beyond days.

    Happy Valentine's Day to all of you from both of us.

  11. Glad you're having a good day!

    I am a fiend for justice, and I am so glad that Sam got his (with biscuits on top) and Betty got hers. And I wish I still taught middle school so that I could tell my students about that and let them figure out the allegories.

    Justice with biscuits on top. Maybe that's what I believe in.

  12. I'm glad this ritual brought you some peace. It's not always the belief, but finding an action that flips the proverbial switch.

    Your friend Allegra is a wise one.

  13. It doesn't matter why it works, only THAT it works.

  14. THe only benefit I've found to Valentines Day is the 50% off sale on chocolates at the stores tomorrow! Other than that, the kids and I were home all day, and I did laundry.
    But normal is ok.

  15. Hooray for your lovely, light-heart day! I hope it stretches into tomorrow.

  16. Mrs. A- What can it hurt?

    Mel- I am so glad Miss Betty is fine, too. Thank-you.

    Rebecca- That is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me and I am grateful to you for sending such sweet father-blessings. I'll take all the magic I can get and I am thankful for it and for you.

    Elizabeth- And to you and YOURS!

    Jill- And that is enough. Thank-you.

    Ms. Trouble- Can't be too many amens.

    SJ- As I said- what can it hurt?

    Maggie May- And Namaste, too. Why not?

    Allegra- Need I even say thank-you? I hope you and B.Loved had a most peaceful and loving day. I celebrate you both!

    Nola- It's something real to believe in, I'll tell you that!

    Nancy C- Yes. She certainly is.

    Jeanne- And as I said, even if it only works for a day...

    Rachel- Sometimes, normal is the very, very best.

    Lora- Thank-you! And I hope so too.

  17. I'm so glad your heart is light today.

  18. Ms. Moon, I am seriously considering going to Haiti - what do you think of the title of a blog I would do there (technology willing, of course): "Justice and Biscuits"?

  19. I'm glad you feel lighter today, whatever the reason.

    P.S. I believe.

    P.P.S. Your yoga teacher cracks me up.

  20. I am glad that you feel like a burden has lifted. You so deserve a happy good life.

    I love you.

  21. Michelle- It truly was. Thank-you.

    Nola- They are talking right now on NPR about how if you want to go to Haiti to help, make sure you have a definite plan and a way to do it. What would you do? Justice and biscuits sounds good for any situation to me, frankly.

    Ms. Bastard- And so do you! I love you, girl.

  22. this post is the reason I keep coming back to your blog.
    It is air. water.

    thank you.

  23. What I would do would depend on the on-ground connections I decide to go with - whether sheltering or distribution or organization of logistics or clean water or medical support - whatever is necessary. And perhaps I will go first for a short visit while working on those things, and decide if I should plan to stay longer - and in that case I would probably help run an orphanage/school or continue with housing demands, etc. The things I'm trained and experienced with. Really depends on whom I decide to work with - have several connections I'm working through to see what is best. Kind of at a disadvantage because I'm not comfortable with missionary zeal, which cuts out a big chunk of folks.

    The point is that the crisis is of such ginormous proportions there, that there is no way I simply cannot act. Finding the best way to act will be a negotiation-in-progress - flexibility is key, especially in crises.

    What I will not do? Take other people's children.

    Are people seriously showing up in Haiti without plans and means? Or is that a preemptive cautionary tale? Haven't listened to NPR in weeks - too busy studying.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.