Sunday, February 14, 2010
Do You Have To Believe?
I woke up this morning to a day which is crisp and cold and as light-shot as heaven must surely be. The cardinals are chipping their Valentine's Day song in the trees and I am sure they are happy with the way the light pours over them as they sing. The chickens are huddled together but out of the coop and tiny Miss Betty is in the midst of them all.
It's a small miracle that bird is still alive and I am glad we performed it. See Pretty Miss Betty? I ask Owen when we go out to see the chickens. And he does. Sam did not kill her and never will. She lets herself be close with the other hens. She does not need to go out by herself every day to escape his cruel clutches, his sharp beak. She can cluck and scratch with the rest of the flock and that makes me so happy.
I was happy when I got up this morning. I wandered around, getting coffee and the paper and wondering why on earth that should be. It is Sunday, after all, and a holiday to boot. I should be drenched in despair, I should be internally wailing and moaning and wearing my hair-shirt, my crown of thorns. But no, just....walking around thinking, what a pretty day.
Then it struck me. Could it be? Is there any relation to what I did last night, which was to do what Allegra told me to do (look-you send me beautiful earrings and I'll do whatever you tell me) and I wrote down a few words on paper and asked for certain burdens to be lifted from my heart and I named names and said that I don't even know if I believe in forgiveness and that in any case, I don't forgive, but still- could the pain these people caused me be lifted? Could it? And would Sue and Lynn help dance those words up? And by the way, hello to the dear ones who have changed planes before me and not only hello, but I love you.
And I folded the paper and put it in my pocket and when Mr. Moon got the fire pit going like a crematorium with white hot heat rising up off it, I threw in the paper and sat and watched it burn. It took a long, long time, even in that heat.
It was dark before it all burned.
And that was that. I felt like my yoga teacher when I kept recommending acupuncture to her for her back. "Do you have to believe in it for it to work?" she asked.
Because I don't believe in shit.
But I can take instruction.
Anyway, as I was being rather cheerful this morning and wondering why, I remembered burning that paper and I had a moment. One of those moments where your molecules freeze up. You know?
Mmmm. I said. And Huh!
Well, you know me. I still don't believe but I'm still feeling rather cheerful. And if the results of the burning ceremony last for only one day, that's plenty.
It's a beautiful day. Mr. Moon is cutting up the potatoes to plant. I need to make him his breakfast. I wonder if my Lizzie is making her Lonnie heart-shaped biscuits as I type this. I wouldn't be surprised.
We have rehearsal this afternoon and we're going to wear our costumes. I am looking forward to that. We painted the set yesterday, a bright cheery yellow and today we're going to "decorate" the set. We have created a fake-believe Bed and Breakfast for us to play in and what could be more fun?
One of the things I wrote down on that paper last night was a plea for my heart to be emptied of anger and pain and to be filled with all the love and goodness and blessings I have been so very lucky to receive.
I feel that today. From this lovely, cold morning to the man in the kitchen cutting up the potatoes to plant, to the birds on the feeder and the birds in the coop and the cats in the yard, the sun warming their fur, and to the afternoon that waits before me. I feel all of that.
I feel the miracle of the living bird, the air, the water, the light, the sweet, honey light, the love that makes it all possible.
I am receiving it all purely this morning, I am sending it back out to you.