Monday, November 9, 2009

Storms

Some people's bones or joints alert them to the fact that there's a storm somewhere.
For me, it's my mind. Not the conscious mind but the subconscious one, the underground one, the one that informs my emotions. In other words, the part of my mind which is way too developed and which suffers from the Chicken Little Syndrome and is constantly rushing up to announce breathlessly that the sky is falling! the sky is falling! the sky- PAY ATTENTION!- is falling!
It takes data like the fact that there is a hurricane in the Gulf and it insists that it will be coming here, bringing down trees on my house and head, flinging my lawn chairs about and turning them into deadly missiles and that my water and power will be off for months. Or at least weeks.
This is not completely ridiculous or without precedence. Such things have happened.
But it doesn't really look like Ida is going to be that much of a threat to my particular neck of the woods but does that stop me from worrying, fretting, and just generally feeling as if (oh! how do I say this?) THE SKY IS FALLING!?
Also, I am supposed to have Mr. Moon at the airport by something like 5:30 a.m. tomorrow morning when the storm is supposed to be giving us whatever it is going to give us and well, the mind boggles at all the problems this could create.

My mind, at least.

Mr. Moon has worked so hard to get this trip planned. He has been working on it for literally years. YEARS! And he deserves to go and I want him to go and he needs to go and dammit, this storm better not interfere with him going. I MEAN IT!
Plus- and I tremble at the thought- I HAVE REHEARSAL THAT NIGHT!
See. This is how crazy I am. I can't filter the information coming in. I can't put things in a reasonable filing system of to-do and to-process. It's all just overwhelming to me and I know I'm ridiculous and that my brain, she is not right, and that my fears are baseless.

But the sky is gray and the dark branches reach up to it and my clothes from yesterday hang on the line in complete stillness and Mr. Moon is already running around buying the last-minute things he needs for his trip and here I am, stomach churning, trying to push down one anxiety after another like trying to get ping-pong balls to stay underwater- as soon as I push one down, another pops up and I lose my grip and they all coming merrily bobbing to the surface again and the process begins again.

I tell you what- if I lived in cave man days, I'd have been pushed off a cliff by now.
But as it stands, I just take my medication and try to shuffle through my days, working through my ridiculous worries, taking note when the wind kicks up, remembering this thing I have to do or that thing and none of it amounts, as they say, to a hill of beans.

I wonder what I'd do if I had a real thing to worry about. Would I jump off that cliff myself or would I grow calm? Last night I found out that a man I have a deep affection for whom I know through the opera house has cancer of the eye and is going to have to go to Philadelphia on Thursday to have it removed. Has he shut himself up in his house to drink vodka by the quart? Is he wailing and moaning and cursing his fate?
No. He is coming to rehearsals and cracking jokes. He is keeping the stiffest of stiff upper lips and he is making us all laugh.

I wish I were like that. If it were possible to choose, I would be.
In the meantime, I feel such guilt for being such a pussy, a wussy, a silly little jerk and I think about that man and I know he's a hero of mine.

There are storms that are real threats. And he is facing one with his face to the wind, shouting out sea chanties and laughing in the rain.

Meanwhile, I look at a gray sky and crumble.

And yet, I sail on. I do, knowing deep within me that no matter how I feel about things, I am not going to change the wind one bit, or the course of the storm or the pattern of the waves and there is nothing to do but ride it out and wait for calmer weather.

26 comments:

  1. i have to confess i love storm..thunderstorms..i love to be waken at night by the rain against my window..i love to be outside when teh storm builds up..see how the skies darkned until it has the color of plumb..i love the electrity i can feel running across my skin and in my curls..i love to taste the special taste almost magnetic on my tongue...its almost salty-bitter..its arowssing and it makes me wanna run ..run into the darkness..strip of my clothes...run across the fields towards the woods..i wish i could travel with the storm...

    fire in the sky..watch me rise

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  2. Anna is convinced she will die in the hurricane, but Taylor and I are a little more relaxed about it.

    I'm supposed to DJ at the Engine Room tomorrow night, too. I wonder if that will get canceled.

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  3. I'm a wussy too. I am sorry that your friend has eye cancer. I've never even heard of that. That evil old cancer can just go anywhere, can't it? Bullshit.

    If I had cancer, I'd have to tell everyone and weep and moan and hug strangers and cower and shake.

    Hope the storm turns out to be nothing. I love you!

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  4. Oh how I love your writing. Ping pong balls and the chicken little screaming "the sky is falling", perfect. I know just what you mean. I'm so sorry about your friend too. I often wonder what I would do if I had something REAL to worry about. And then of course, when I start feeling well, and living better, and trusting the universe I'm afraid THAT'S when I'll be hit by the real shit of life, disease and pain and death. My therapist said when addicts get clean, the first thing they think is that they're going to get hit by a bus.
    So here's to the storm missing you and to a clear and peaceful mind Ms Moon.

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  5. oh, and I meant to say I love your new header. I always miss the old ones though. I'm not so good with change!

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  6. I love storms, but know plenty of people who, like you, get very nervous. I think you're wonderful, regardless of what you say! And, if you lived in "cave man days" I don't think you would have fallen off the cliff. I think you would have just stayed near or in your "cave" right about now. :)

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  7. Danielle- I too, love storms. But there are some so scary that the thrill is replaced only with fear. Have you ever sat in a hallway with children, listening to the winds and rain rip and tear through your world? This storm is not going to be like that but I think that those of us who have been in hurricanes have a bit of the PTSD about them.
    Having said all of that I have two more thing to say:
    That was a beautiful comment and, please go watch this:
    http://sarcastbastard.blogspot.com/2009/11/euphoric-moron-and-lightning-storm.html

    DTG- Doesn't look like it. I think you'll be there, spinning records or whatever it is that DJ's do.

    Ms. Bastard- I would be that way too! And here he is, making us all laugh- I mean REALLY! I love him.

    Bethany- That's probably true. We do everything we can to bring death on in some crazy, backwardsass ways and then we finally get our shit straight and think, "Oh Lord. I could DIE!"
    Well, I don't speak from experience. My backwardsass shit is still going strong. And I think the storm will miss us.
    This one, at least...
    Change is hard but if you need those old pictures, I have them all.

    Nicol- Yes. I'd be like Miss Betty, afraid to leave the hen house. But in her case, she has a reason to be worried.

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  8. But you're not crumpled, you're here, writing and working it out in words, which is its own kind of brave. I beat myself with the relativity stick a lot too, because in the grand scheme, my problems are not that great, but they are mine and they rule me just the same. I admire and maybe worship brave strong people in the face of horrible things, my Dad was that way, and I wish I had some of his coping skills.

    They are like ping pong balls, your powers of description are bottomless. We're all hoping for you to see Mr. Moon off safely for his trip, and weather another storm. I cope with my anxiety by overanalyzing, following storm data and taking photos. What I like about hurricanes vs. tornadoes is the time to plan, fill water jugs, check batteries, all my little ocd tricks of distraction. I just finished looking at some weather anaylsis and Lloyd is looking lucky right now. Hope it pisses out and wimpers to shore harming no one.

    My Canadian friend Keeley welcomed all of us near the edges to move closer to the center, but she doesn't know the pull the water has on some of us.

    Stay safe, keep talking to us, and take some more glorious sunsets after the storm for us, please.

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  9. Ok, reeling a little from Danielle's storm comment.

    And I don't live where there's hurricanes either.

    But.

    You remind me. My mother could change the weather.

    Everyone sneers, but she believed it, and it always seemed to work. We had sunny birthday parties :)

    But then, when you do something like that, there's always a reaction. We were sitting round a fire at a party,and the wind was blowing smoke into our faces. And she concentrated on changing it, but said it might start raining if she did. And then it did. Heh. Freaked my husband out.

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  10. They're only thoughts. Only thoughts. And they have no bearing on reality. Being scared of planes myself, I always try to think that if I do die in a plane, I'd rather do so after a lifetime of happy thoughts. No, it doesn't work for me either. ;-)

    Big hug. Just have a quart of vodka after rehearsal.

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  11. I like a good storm too, but I'll stop short at streaking in one.

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  12. Don't you wish you could change the storm with your mind? Hang in there, Ms. Moon.

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  13. @ ms moon

    that video is funny!

    well..i expirienced a few really bad storms..for example hurricane irene while i lived on cuba..they wanted to evakuate us but my friends and me sat through it behind closed shutters...weplayed cards..drunk rum..and told each other bullshit stories about oh the many storms we survived allready...at night two a palm tree crashe dthrough my window...matanzas was under water and so was varadero...

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  14. I'm in awe of Jo's mother...

    Hope you're all safe in the storm, whatever it turns out to be, and that Mr. Moon doesn't have to miss his big trip.

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  15. Mel- Yes. Some of us have to live by the water, no matter the threat. I have to live near enough to be able to get to it and I have to live where it's not so cold and where trees can grow. Thus: North Florida is not too bad for me.
    But I don't like hurricanes. And yes, you're right- we do have warning. But dammit, sometimes tornadoes get spun off and create their own roaring damage in the middle of the hurricane. I have seen this happen. Tree tops snapped, power poles too. Scary shit. Nature is POWERFUL! I don't think this one is going to be much for us, though. I sure hope Mr. Moon gets his flight.

    Jo- My friend Kathleen can do that too! I know you miss your mother.

    Mwa- A quart of vodka, huh? That might be a bit much, even for me! But thanks for encouraging me to expand my boundaries! You have safe travels and much fun!

    Daddy X- Because you are a sensible man.

    Aunt Becky- I think it is my mind that causes these storms. Not the ones in the Gulf. The ones in my soul.

    Danielle- A hurricane in Cuba- now see- you HAVE experienced what I am talking about. Have you written about that experience? You should.

    Ginger- Thanks. Me too!

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  16. well yeah, but it's usually wet and cold during storms, and you know, er, shrinkage...

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  17. Daddy X- Mmmmm. Never considered that problem but yes, I can see how that would happen.

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  18. actually i wrote about my time on cuba in a story called cuban heat..but i wrote more about cuban bordellos and old city parts of havana then about the hurricane irene...:-) maybe i should really do that..hemingway-esk:-) do you know hemingways the old man and the sea? when i lived on cuba for a while the old man still lived ...fascinating personalety..but he is now dead since about 8 years or more...gosh..i m getting old..too:;-)

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  19. So you're ageing but still unaffected by shrinkage.

    Reasons to smile!

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  20. I know it's not much comfort, but we're here. If you want, we'll come sleep in the panther room. ;-)

    Who has the cancer? I'm with SB on this one, I didn't know you could get cancer there. I'm starting to really hate the letter "C" and you know, the letter itself actually did nothing. Does that make me a biggot?

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  21. Danielle- All American school children used to have to read The Old Man and The Sea. I wonder if they still do. It's a beautiful book. And you should write at least a story about Cuba that your grandmother could read. I would love to read it.

    Ms. Fleur- I'll tell you when I talk. He's very open about it but still- it's truly his business. I think I will be just fine alone here. And I know you are but a few steps away, which gives me great peace of mind.

    Darcy- I pointed and I shot. Sometimes things turn out.

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  22. @ petit fleur
    actually you can develope cancer on anything..i recently read a´n article about a man who died of mouth-cancer..a rare painful thing..:-/

    @ ms moon..if i do so i ll will translate it for you..:-)

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  24. Danielle- Yep. Actually mouth cancer is fairly common in those who use "dip" which is a sort of chewable tobacco.
    And I will read what you write. In English. Thank-you.

    Rabbi Lars Shalom- Haven't seen you around in a long time! Thanks for the compliment!

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