Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Cages, Flying, Crazy, Frying Pans, Beds

Fuck! I just feel that way today. Fuck! Nothing is going right.

Nothing meaning I can't get damn picture to save my life and I've spent half an hour trying and it's not happening. I tried to get a picture of Miss Betty in her little cage and it looks like this:

Which is how I feel, caged and wounded and I don't know why. There is no cage around me except for the one I've placed myself in. This one, this beautiful one, this one that I have created lovingly. Sometimes I feel as if I have built my own asylum, brick-by-brick, all with my own two hands.

Since Mr. Moon's been gone here are the places I've been: The pediatrician's office twice. Lily's house several times. To lunch one day. To the recording studio to see Lis. To Publix maybe twice. To the Opera House many times. To yoga class. And I swear- I think that's it. Maybe that's a lot of places. I don't know.

Mostly I've been here where I go to the chicken coop, the clothesline, the garden and sometimes I walk down the road and into the woods.

I haven't shopped, I haven't gone to a movie or to the library.

What's wrong with me? What's wrong?

The lyrics to Joni Mitchell's My Old Man keep going through my head.

But when you're gone
Me and those lonesome blues collide.
The bed's too big.
The fying pan's too wide.

But really, I haven't been lonesome. I was a little bit last night but I started writing and it was all okay. Then I made my supper and I have a lot of frying pans of all sizes and the one I used was not too big. I cleaned up and got in my bed which, with all my pillows and books and Zeke in it, is not too big either. Not really.


Mr. Moon called last night around quarter to midnight. I was already so deep in sleep that the ringing of the phone didn't alarm me. I just reached for it and there he was on the other end and he realized that where he is is two hours behind us, instead of two hours ahead. He apologized but of course I was glad to hear his voice although it was like a voice from another lifetime. He's been gone almost a week and that's so many minutes stacked up, so many minutes of him not being here.

My old man. Back in hippie days, we referred to our significant others as my old man, my old lady. Ironic in that we were so young. But now, those words ring true. I am his old lady. He is my old man.

Tomorrow night I'll go to the airport and I'll wait for my old man to get off the airplane and walk down the hallway towards me. Will he look the same? Will he still love me? Will I be amazed, once again, how tall he is? Will he look at me and wonder how I got so old, so small, so dowdy? Will he have to reconcile the picture he has in his mind of me from twenty-six years ago when I was a glorious young woman with hair down my back?

Ah yah. I feel crazy today.

I need to eat, I need to go to town. I am taking care of Owen for Lily while she gets a tooth filled. I am so lucky to live so nearby my grandson that I can do things like that.

I am not Miss Betty. I am wounded, in a way, but I don't live in a cage. Unless I want to.
My rooster is not cruel to me. He is sweet to me.

Here I go. Let me try out my wings. Let me go hold my grandson. Let me help my daughter. Let me remember that it's not just me here in this little world where I live. My old man will be home tomorrow.

I will reach my face up for his kisses.

I will be glad he's home.

22 comments:

  1. I say don your red lipstick and welcome that handsome man home.

    You are beautiful and wonderful, my sweet mama. I hope you have fun holding and loving on Owen today.

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  2. I think one of my favorite things about reading your words is when you talk about your (old) man. In real life I refer to my husband as my man and I started this the first couple of months we met (in Gainesville, FL 24 years ago). So we address cards to "My Man", or he does to "My woman".
    Anyway, I just really love how after your 25 years of marriage he is your man. And it is good when they go away for just a little bit and then come back, isn't it?

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  3. Have BIG FUN with Owen. Hug and kiss him for me.

    Love you,

    SB

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  4. That's plenty of places to go, I reckon. Unless you'd rather go more places.

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  5. Awww. I wrote about Jeremiah too today. I think we have similar ways of looking at our 'old men'...I doubt that Jeremiah would find your page and my comment on it, but just in case, Sorry jeremiah. I don't really think you're old.

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  6. You're beautiful. He'll see that he's home.

    None of this other unnecessaryness.

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  7. You're such a sweet and loving heart. I'm with DTG, hug your old man!

    Thanks for letting your aching love spill over onto the web for us, your faith-full readers.
    Cheers,
    Mary

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  8. Maybe you're in "I miss my honey" funk.

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  9. and again you give us another beautiful egg from your world...i simply cant say again how easily and pretty every word rolls from your fingers...and i dont have to..because everyone can see it..:-)

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  10. I don't know (and never will) what it's like to be in a relationship that long but do enjoy seeing one through your words. I was married 9 1/2 years and never lived with a man after that but have had quite a few relationship sprints and way too many dates and some extended visits. It's wonderful how you feel about each other. :-) Love endures!

    I identify with being wounded and in a self-made cage and know what you mean. Hope the sun in your life shines brightly again now!

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  11. definitely wear silver and blue...he won't be able to resist!! :)

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  12. I am glad Mr. Moon will be home tomorrow because you definitely need your old man back at the casa. And hopefully spending some time with your grandson will make your day a little better. Hang in there Ms. Moon. We all love you. Take care.

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  13. There is much restlessness today. Glad Mr. Moon will be back this evening. And hope we all settle.

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  14. I hope holding that sweet baby gives you peace and freedom from that caged feeling. Be grateful for him, especially today, on the March of Dimes premature birth awareness day. We're lucky to have our little ones!

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  15. Yes, I know all about those cages too. Thank you for writing it out. And I think you did plenty, lots and lots of good, connecting things. Give yourself a break. And happy day for you. How wonderful to have such a reunion. I think he will see you with the same wonder and love and excitement that you see him.

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  16. Reunions are what make seperations bearable. I imagine Mr. Moon will look into your eyes and see you, just as you see him, and one hug will put the world right. You'll have stories to share, treasures to show and what could be better than that?

    I hate about menopause what I hated about puberty - it just fucks with my self image and self confidence for fun, and I dont have esteem to spare some days.

    You've accomplished plenty this week, Ms. Moon, not the least of which is writing and entertaining your adoring blog public. Thanks. We love you just the way you are and hope you do to!

    Welcome back, Mr. Moon.

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  17. Sounds like too many place gone to for me... What's so bad about being a homebody anyway?

    I'm excited for you to get your old man home!

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  18. "I will reach my face up for his kisses."
    That is my favorite part. That and the picture of Zeke on your bed. That could be in a dog calender. Not that I LIKE dog calenders, but it is just so pretty. As are you, Pretty Mama.

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  19. HoneyLuna- I will definitely wear my lipstick to welcome your handsome daddy back home. And I had a wonderful time with Owen today.

    Michele Renee- Mr. Moon still calls me his bride. I like that. I am looking forward to being his bride again tomorrow.

    DTG- I most certainly will.

    Ms. Bastard- I have him enough hugs and kisses for ALL of us. Believe me. Lily accused me of trying to wear his hair off with all my kisses.

    Mwa- I guess you are right. All those places except for yoga and the Opera House are places I went with my kids. Thank God for them.

    Erin- It's so nice to love your spouse, isn't it? And you could always tell your old man you only mean that in the nicest, hippie sense.

    Jo- Okay. You're sweet.

    Mary- I do not know why y'all put up with me. I swear. But thank-you.

    Marsha- Maybe so.

    Danielle- I hope you don't think this simply because your native tongue is not English. But anyway, I love hearing you say that.

    Joy- I think we all build our own cages. I think we all know what that means.

    Roshni- Okay! I will!

    Mr. Shife- You are so sweet. Thank-you.

    The Dish- Actually, it's tomorrow evening he gets home. Perhaps we're all under the influence of the moon and some weird planetary alignment. Who the hell knows?

    Rachel- I did. I do! Thank-you.

    Bethany- I bet he misses my cookin'. At least.

    Mel- You are completely right about menopause. Women in your thirties and forties- ENJOY THIS TIME! YOU ARE AT YOUR MOST POWERFUL! Not to mention beautiful.

    Stephanie- I'm pretty excited too.

    May- Once again- because I look like YOU!

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  20. Gosh you just have that way.
    And the doubting, the vulnerability, the preference for a cocoon, it's beautiful

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  21. I'm sure he looks at you with the same eyes you look at him - full of love and wonder. Hugs to you.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.