Thursday, November 19, 2009

Checkin' The List

So I was in Marshall's today- yeah, I know, I'm really overdoing this shopping thing- to buy panty hose which I hardly ever wear but we're going to a wedding in Alabama and it's going to be cold and I don't think I could get away with thermal underwear under my dress. Okay? Do you think I LIKE it?

Sound a little cranky, don't I?
Here's why:

1. The stores already have all that Christmas shit out and people are BUYING IT! Gift baskets that you KNOW are going to be re-gifted. Who wants jonquil body wash? Who wants cookies probably baked in a factory in China and labeled, "Yankee Farms Best Ole Fashioned Homemade Gingerbread cookies"? Who wants sparkly cheap stupid-looking angels? Oh yeah. That old lady behind me in line when I was buying the panty hose. She kept saying to her companion, "But I just love her little face!" Since the face was one of those rather blank ones with no nose, I was confused. The other lady kept saying, "Well I like it too!"
I think she might get it for Christmas and boy, won't she be happy?

2. The candy is also out. All that "special" Christmas candy you can't possibly get except for oh, all year 'round. But this candy- it's wrapped in Christmas foil and green and red and silver and gold! It's special.
Yeah. It's special because it's going to cause a huge seasonal jump in the national obesity and diabetes problems.

3. The bell ringers are already out. Give me a break. My middle NAME is guilt. Do I need to be reminded of what a non-charitable person I am every time I have to go buy bananas? I guess I do.

4. Boxed sweet potato casserole mixes. Do I need to say any more about THAT?

5. The catalogs are coming thick and fast. They are filled with people wearing shiny holiday attire, holding glasses of champagne, smiling and looking completely calm and happy. And thin. What planet do they live on? I have to admit I was intrigued to see that I can send a loved one a bacon sampler from the Wolferman's Catalog and why I got a Wolferman's catalog will remain a mystery to me. But if you want to order a bacon sampler for someone you care about and want to help with their passage into heart-attack land, go ahead and do it. No payments until March 2010! Which leads me to:

6. People buying SHIT to give to other people who don't need that shit and the people who are buying it can't afford it and yet this whole process is supposed to bring about Christmas Cheer and has something to do with the baby Jesus, lying in a manger.

7. Reindeer, Christmas Tree and Santa Claus sweaters and vests. If you are an elementary school teacher, you are allowed to wear these garments. If not- forget it! Okay? Really.

8. The damn smell of the dead animal under my house. Yeah. I know. That has nothing to do with Christmas. Just checking to see if you're paying attention.

9. Every Kiss begins with K(ay). SHUT UP!

And finally, the thing that really got me in this mood today:

10. Christmas carols on the Muzak. On November the 19th. In Marshall's where I was just shopping for stupid discount panty hose. I hate Christmas carols. I truly do. They used to be okay when you only heard or sang them about one week out of the year. But those days are long gone. LONG gone, baby.

Okay. The yearly gauntlet has been thrown down. You have not, I am sure, heard the last of my I-hate-Christmas-rantings. If you don't want to hear them, that's fine with me. Don't read them.

I will admit that there are a few things I like about Christmas. One of them is my scary santa. Stay tuned for him. He'll show up here somewhere.

And I think when Owen is big enough to appreciate Christmas I might like it a little bit more. We'll just have to see.

Meanwhile, please don't send me any bacon samplers, cookies or Reindeer sweaters. Don't tell me about the magic of Christmas. And for God's sake, don't bring up the baby Jesus. This madness we're about to descend into has nothing to do with baby Jesus and we all know it.

Beyond that, seasons greetings and hofuckingho.

And oh yes. I have lost my address book (I made the huge mistake of taking it with me to the hospital when Lily was in labor and I'm sure it's been incinerated) and there goes thirty years of addresses so if you don't get a Christmas card from me- that's why.

Love you anyway. Really. I do.


  1. Bwahahahahahahahaha! This was the best thing I've read in years. Seriously, I want to hug you and laugh because I love you so much.

  2. P.S. I'm buying you 4 bacon samplers. On layaway.

  3. And there was me trying to learn to love Christmas. You mean I don't have to?

  4. I don't care what you say, I still love Christmas. And the bacon sample. And the sparkles and fake smiling models. And I'm just about put on my reindeer sweeter-vest and crank-up Maria Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" CD. Because it's all about the love of baby Jesus and celebrating what he brought to this world, such as Christmas parties and tales of a fat man going all around the world and delivering presents (but only to the kids who's parents have money). ok, I'm done.

    What's funny though, I really do like Christmas. But maybe that has to do with our whole family hanging out together and eating the really great food that you cook. I'm so excited!

  5. Have you checked the lost and found?? People with filled with seasonal cheer will surprise you!

    Every time I eat facon, I think of how you'd be so grossed out! No bacon samplers for pf.

  6. I'm laughing like an idiot and the kids think I'm crazy. For the next 6 weeks every time I'm moved to rant about Christmas I'm just going to write BAH HUMBUG and link to this post.

    Aunt Becky's Christmas bacon's gonna end up smelling like lost salty deer head and the dead critter under your guest room. She should save her money and buy you Wolferman's english muffins instead. They're yummy.

    Honeyluna's still so sweet and innocent, isn't she? Just like a Christmas Angel. With a nose

  7. I love you mamma! Even if you do hate the most magical holiday of all. Just kidding, sorta. I hope you have fun at the wedding. Make dad take your picture in all your different events outfits. You should post them to show how pretty I am sure you will be. Owen says hi, we love you.

  8. My goodness cranky-pants! :) There goes YOUR holiday vest this year!! And here I was, about to wrap it up for you...

    Just kidding--I know Christmas is one cluster-fuck after another for you, and it sure as hell is for me. And this year I'll be moving...ho freakin ho.

  9. Aunt Becky- I am so happy to make you laugh. And if you insist on sending me the bacon sampler I will probably eat it. Dammit.

    Mwa- What's the point? No. You do not have to.

    HoneyLuna- It is a miracle of Christmas that I have not ruined you. Bless your heart and I love you so much.

    Ms. Fleur- I did check the lost and found. It all reminds me of the time the silver rosary I gave Sue got stolen out of her sheets at the hospital when she was dying. Do not look for mercy at the hospital.

    Michelle- And HoneyLuna's sparkles will never need dusting. Ever.

    Lily- See- I am going to miss an entire weekend of Owen's growing up. Damn it! I love you.

  10. SJ- At least you have an excuse not to PARTAY.

  11. Before I got to the end of this post I decided I was just going to write: "I love you." as my comment, because you are so funny and perfect and right on. And then I got to the end where you beat me too it.
    I'll say it anyway,
    I love you.
    Oh and how bout the happy dogs in the catalogs, shining, young, playful, or sleeping nicely next to the hearth, labs or goldens, no mutts, old dogs, no peeing, no poop, no one eyed, three leggeds.
    Looking forward to your evil Santa.
    See the trouble hose can get you into?

  12. That was one nearly perfect post. And I not only agree with the Christmas sweater thing, but think it should extend to any holiday sweater or any sweater with some kind of deer or nature scene appliqued on it. But that's just my personal preference. :-)

  13. Good LORD! I don't think I ever heard that one. Damn it! Poor Sue just had the most fucked up luck of anyone I've known before or since. Remember when a volcano fell on her brother's house?

    Well I sure am sorry both about the Rosary and your address book.

  14. I think in your honor I'm going to post the story of my Oliver's comment about Christmas when he was about two and a half. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. (And I actually love Christmas -- but hate the stuff that you're describing)

  15. Oh, by the way, I was kind of kidding about that stuff I said earlier, sort of. (i stole that sort of from Lily.)

    And surprisingly, you really did not ruin Christmas for us, and I thank you so very much for that, because I have some great Christmas memories of joy and love. (Yeah, so what if I'm a little innocent, but not all that sweet.)

  16. I love you even though you're a grinch.

    And that Santa is fuckin' badass. The comments you got on it had me rolling.

  17. i second the bwhahahaha!!!! this post made me laugh out loud and then i looked up to see if i bothered mr. curry who is sleeping on the couch. oh damn when you got it lady, you got it.


  18. my family does not celebrate christmas. come to think of it we dont celebrate anything.

    i too find all the hoopla a big headache. it all seems to totally contradict whatever the original religious message was supposed to be about.


  19. Well I still like Christmas, but only because it's the only time I can get my two kids together under the same roof and they aren't arguing. Christmas day is also my son's birthday, so we always have a birthday cake for him too and I get to call him my baby and get away with it even though he towers over me at 6'5". I still hate all the commercialism though and wish that would go away.

  20. I too, was laughing out loud!!

    But honestly, I do love Christmas. Parts of it. Not all the shitty commercialism and all the people buying a ton of shit that they cannot afford and how the stores put the shit out before FUCKING Halloween (seriously - I saw this) and all the people getting in an uproar about if we can/should/can't say Happy Holidays/Christmas/Hannakah and all the people getting all offended because it's too religious or not religious enough or yadafuckingyadayada...

    But I DO love being together with my family, and how when the house is full of people and it's all hot inside from all the cookin' going on but it's freezing outside and you crack a window to cool it off. And then you EAT all that delicous food, with people sitting around the table and sprawled all over the couches and on the floor, and the kids are all running around hopped up on Dad's cookies.

    And I love putting up a tree (and this year L can help!!) and decorating the house, burning apple cinnamon candles (ONLY in the month of December!!! Ahhh, the smell of Christmas!!), finding or making thoughtful, special gifts for my close loved ones and wrapping them and seeing them feeling TRULY appreciative of a GOOD gift. I love driving around looking at Christmas lights while it is snowing. I love listening to the OLD Christmas music, the stuff I remember from my childhood.

    So yeah, I guess there are SOME things I do so love about Christmas, and I am looking forward to it. Parts of it.

  21. As usual, my dear, we feel the same way on this subject. Bah fucking humbug.

    I am divorced this year, so I have no familial obligations, especially with the parents out West. I am going to hole up with the cats and dog and a case of wine and FORGET it's X-mas entirely. It will just be a nice long weekend off from work.

    Have fun at the wedding.

    Love you.

  22. Just found you today! I love your cranky butt! Bookmarked.

  23. I think Bethany hit the nail on the head: See the trouble hose can get you into?

  24. Fellow scrooge right here. And I think more kisses start with Jagermeister than have been started by Kay's. Fuckers.

  25. I'm pretty sure that if you visit my peatot blog, you'll read about how I already put up Christmas decorations and did so around the first week of December. HOWEVER...I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. Christmas is so very much fun with them around.


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