Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How?


I ended up feeling like shit yesterday and so I took the opportunity to rest and elevate and ice my foot. I turned on daytime TV, which is something I never, ever do.
And you know what?

Daytime TV sucks donkey dicks.

I laid on the couch with the dogs all curled around me and watched a rerun of Curb Your Enthusiasm which of course was great and then...I can't remember. I honestly cannot remember. Emmy red carpet was in there somewhere.

I dozed and felt guilty for lying down in the middle of the day and woke up occasionally to hear what people completely unknown to me were saying about what other people completely unknown to me wore to the Emmy Awards.
At four, Oprah came on. I'd seen a teaser for the show with Mackenzie Phillips which was coming on at some point this week and so I thought maybe I'd watch that but no, it was an episode featuring a woman who got a face transplant because her husband shot her face off with a shotgun and a ten-year old girl who suffers from a very rare condition known as Mermaid disease or something like that.

I was just appalled. First of all, Oprah looked miserable and barely moved during the entire interview. And all I could think of was the tragedy in people's lives and how bloggers are accused of oversharing and yet, people will go on Oprah and discuss their children's colostomy bags with film.

I'm sure there was a message behind this specific show and I'm sure it had something to do with resiliency, hope, and strength but all I could think about was how the woman whose husband shot her face off hasn't divorced him yet and obviously is a little conflicted about doing that and also, oh, I don't even want to tell you what all I was thinking because it was not charitable.
And it seemed like Oprah was phoning this interview in. She repeated the same things about fifteen times ("And the doctors only expected her to live for 72 hours?") and I don't think she could have cared less.

Well. We all get burned out.

And then last night it had been leaked online that Mackenzie Phillips' secret is that she and her father had a "consensual" sexual relationship for many years, beginning when he raped her when she was in black-out mode from drugs he'd given her.

Well, that explains a lot about that little girl on One Day At A Time. I never did like that show. I'm not sure why. Valerie was too cute, the mom was too...something. That super was too stupid and Mackenzie was obviously in too much pain.
I think that was it. The girl playing a normal teenager with normal problems had a look in her eyes that was too frightening to bear. America watched as she got crazier and thinner. Her smile became eerier and eerier as her teeth seemed to become the biggest thing in her skeletal head. And then she got fired for drug use.
And as America criticized her for that drug use, no one had any idea of what that child was going through.

It's a fucking miracle she's still alive. And according to what I've read, she says, "Please don't hate my father."

Sorry. I hate him.

And I can't shake the horror I feel at what happened to her. She may say that her relationship with her father was consensual but it wasn't. She was fucked up on drugs he gave her, he was her father. Fathers are supposed to protect their children, not shoot them up with heroin and then rape them and try to convince them that what they're doing is out of love.

Yeah. This just comes too close to home. No, my stepfather never gave me drugs but he sort of gave me a Porsche. No, he never raped me but he did things no father or adult, for that matter, should do to a child. And that was bad enough and I know that to this day all of that affects me more than I even know.

How is Mackenzie Phillips alive? She's gone through addictions, divorces, arrests.
But she's still alive.
And she says, "Don't hate my father."

That woman whose husband shot off her face rushed to make sure that Oprah knew that although her husband had emotionally and verbally abused her for years and years, he had never physically abused her until he picked up that shotgun. Oh well, sure, he threw a microwave and a knife at her, but hey! you know.
And when he gets out of jail, he's going to need someone to talk to. Right? And he has no other friends. Besides her. The woman whose face he blew off her head.

Will I watch today's episode of Oprah?

No. I'm going to be at the midwife's office with Lily.

Look. My life could have turned out like either of those women. And it didn't. I ended up with a family that brings me more joy than anything I can imagine. I ended up with a man who is not only not abusive but who is, by any standard, one of the truly best and most loving. Who is a loving and nurturing father. Who has never hurt his children. Who is going to be the best grandfather in the world.
How did that happen?
It was a blessed miracle.

And here we are, waiting on this next miracle and today I go to the midwife with Lily and we shall see what's going on and one way or another, that baby is going to be here soon. A baby who has two parents who are loving and who are going to love that child his entire life. The right way.

I mourn to grief about the children who grow up thinking that love is hurt and pain and rape.

I give thanks with every breath I have that somehow, some of us make it through, not unscarred but able, with great help, with massive amounts of love, to let the buck stop there.

I tremble at that thought. Of how badly my children's lives could have turned out if I had just slipped a little further than I did- slipped too far to come back and realize how I could change the tide of my life and thus, my children's.

Owen is about to be born into all the love in the world. And Lily and Jason will make mistakes as parents because we all do. God knows I did. And do. But they will be normal mistakes. They won't be soul-and-spirit crushing mistakes.

There will not be secrets that are kept for thirty years and then spilled on Oprah to world-wide shock, horror and disbelief.

Thank-you, thank-you to whatever power there is for that.
As my heart breaks for all the children whose lives have not been somehow redeemed, I give great, humble thanks that mine somehow was and that my grandchildren will not know this aching pain and will know what love is and what love is not.

Such a simple thing. And yet- the most amazing thing.

There's no more to say. I am waiting. We are all waiting. For the simplest and most profound miracle of all. With clear hearts full of love that will never harm or cause pain.

This is what my life has meant. If nothing else, this is it.

And I cry at the thought of how it could have gone and I am brought to my knees with that realization. I look into Mackenzie Phillips' eyes and I see what my own could have looked like.
See how my body could have become a vessel for unbearable pain instead of a vessel for the lives of my children who love and who are loved.

How did it happen?
Blessed miracle. That's all there is to it.

25 comments:

  1. This post blew me away, and I love you dearly. I don't know what else to say.

    SB

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  2. I love you mom. I am glad your life turned out the way it did so mine could turn out the way mine did. I will see you later today, we are excited!

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  3. Oh Lily Love. This is the most exciting time! Soon it will the next best day of my life. The sixth best day of my life. The other five were the births of all of you children and the day I married your papa.
    So much joy you are bringing us!
    I love you...Mama

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  4. :) You deserve it, Ms. Moon. Best wishes today, Lily.

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  5. What.the.fuck. There is no possible way a child can have a consensual sexual relationship with her father. The fact that he clearly groomed her and elicited sexual responses from her, well, that isn't consensual, that is fucking biology and the goddamned son of a fucking bitch should be killed. Don't hate her father my ass. and I hate to say it but I hate her a little bit, too, becuase with all of the information at her fingertips about abuse and how it happens and why it happens and what you can do to stop it? Well. Dont hate her father indeed. And mostly I feel so sad, and heartbroken, and angry that anyone has to live like this, and also so fucking glad that for whatever the reason, I decided I didn't have to, that I didn't want my children growing up that way. And I don't know the reason, but you are here, I am here, SO many of us are here and OKAY, and just-what the fuck.

    Deep breaths. It will be a good day for you, Ms. Moon, send Lily and Owen and Jason all the love I have, and you, too.

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  6. What a wonderful post, Ms. Moon. I'm so glad you managed to change things so much for yourself and your family and then to share it with the rest of us.

    I feel like I did the same thing for my children. My childhood was less fucked up, but I was still stuck in the cycle of abuse and decided to stop it before having children. And I'm so glad that so far I have managed to build a house of love rather than one of fear or pain.

    Kisses.

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  7. Oh, and it is indeed a blessed miracle.

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  8. Thank you, Mary!

    You say "If nothing else, this [clear hearts full of love that will never harm or cause pain] is it..."

    As my dear Dad would say, you've just said a cotton pickin' mouthful. A dearly thought out, lovely and heartfelt post.

    My heart is full for the love and clarity you share with the world.

    Love,
    Mary

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  9. Nicol- Thank-you so much, you sweet, sweet girl.

    Kori- Yes. You are right in everything you said. BTW- her father IS dead. I will say nothing about burning in hell because I don't believe in hell. Anyway, yes, there are those of us out here who yearned more than anything for a better life for our children. YOU are a wonderful and inspiring example of that. Yes. You are.

    Mwa- It IS a miracle. For all of us who have houses full of love.

    Mary- You make me feel so good. Thank-you.

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  10. I was determined that I would never bring up my girls the way I had been brought up. They are now happy, confident ladies who know what they want and go for it... I'm learning from them now... baby steps. So excited for you... a beautiful new baby hatching any minute... you have a beautiful family and so much love around you. You deserve it... feel the love around you x

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  12. "Sorry. I hate him."

    Indeed.
    All I can think of is, What kind of father......

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  13. I think the majority of us are rather apalled by Mackenzie's revelations, but not shocked, are we? Not in today's world. It's a frightening place out there. I look at my little Ben in his innocence, and think of how for granted my daughters can take me, and then when I see things like this I realize life really is good, you know? For some of us.

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  14. Thank you for being the voice of so many of us.Jake and I said the same to each other over morning coffee. How dare he do this to a child...glad he's dead. Blessings on your day and new life...

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  15. That isn't including what Mick Jagger did to her at a party when she was thirteen. That girl suffered and still does. I wonder how many people suffered due to the twisting of the "Peace and Love" philosophy. It's hard to imagine that these people could bring life changing songs to the world and still remain some of the least enlightened amoung us.
    You managed to tie it all together well and that "freaks me out man!" Nice job Sister Moon.

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  16. Ms. Lilac- I am sure your daughters are amazing. And yes, our children are our teachers. I do feel the love around me. Thank-you so.

    Bob- A father from hell.

    Marsha- I have to say I was shocked. And really- yes, I am so grateful to have a life where chickens and eggs are so damn exciting.

    Sally- Thank-you, sweet lady so far up north. Thank-you.

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  17. Brother B.- No, I am going to say that is was the philosophies of the peace and love generation which spawned such behavior. I'll tell you why- I know a lot of people, including me, whose eyes were opened as to how things did not have to go on as always directly due to some of those times and I am grateful for that. People like Mick Jagger and John Phillips used their so-called entitlement as rock gods to do horrible things while, yes, bringing such great music to so many.
    And yes, she still suffers. She always will. And believe me- people have always suffered for the same reasons because all of these things have been kept quiet and in the dark for so long. For eons before peace and love. Forever and ever and I am struck again and again at how pervasive such activity has always been.
    I am always so glad when you comment on my posts. Thank-you.

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  18. I didn't know that about her father but did about Mick Jagger. I hate them both but especially her father (who doesn't deserve to be called a father).

    I've heard women who worked with battered women say they eventually had to quit because the women kept going back to their abusive husbands. I saw Oprah yesterday and don't often watch her and couldn't believe that woman could even consider talking to her husband. It took her daughter's asking what kind of example that would set for her before the face-implant woman even considered not taking him back. I just don't get that at all.

    I'm so thankful for your blessed miracle for your life and your children, grandchildren, and on.

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  19. Powerful and inspiring words, Ms. Moon. You write so eloquently about what destroys the human spirit but what comes through so clearly is your spirit of survival.

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  20. Joy- I know. Wasn't that Oprah just WEIRD? Please. And all I can say is that women who return to batterers have been trained since birth to think that love is pain. And pain is love.

    Sheria- So many people survive and rise like Phoenix from the ashes. I feel like I don't so much rise as just hover. But hell, that's plenty for me. Thank-you.

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  21. Mary this really put it together so well. You connected the thoughts and feelings that rose up from the Oprah show and the sadness/apathy there and what happened to MP (oh my god...) so very well...so very well- it's exactly right, what you put your finger on, what happens to us? to women? you don't see men putting up with this kind of horrific abuse... not the same way or in the same numbers.

    Poor baby. When she says 'don't hate my father' it makes me want to write an entire novel about how fucking complicated it could be.
    because it is. and it isn't.

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  22. Another great post, Ms. Moon. I watched the Oprah Mackenzie interview last night in the wee hours and it made me sad that her life lacked decent parental love, and mad that Oprah just can't let a person talk anymore. There were so many times when Mac tried to elaborate and O cut her off. When she tried to acknowledge how nervous she was, how hard it was to jump in, O was in "serious journalist" mode and her nod toward the tissue box was cold comfort. I felt her pain at facing things she did in the haze of drugs that shamed her, and I was sure Oprah didn't have a clue.

    A child of the 60's, I know addiction to barbituates, LSD, pot, alcohol, cocaine, begun in middle school before my brains were even finished growing, I was scrambling them, with my friends. Most of us were running from things we didn't want to deal with either, and for a while it was fun and I was able to hide it from my parents. It's one of the wonders of my life that I'm not in a gutter or a grave right now. I get the drug use part of her story, but I can't fathom throwing in parental consent, fame, incest, public humiliation and continued addiction and still staying alive. Mackenzie is strong and brave and I admire her honesty, her reaching out, and her gratitude for being alive to tell her story. I think writing the book, coming clean, no matter how late in her life, will help her to finally own her life and I hope she can stay drug free.

    Oprah, I'm tired of her, and I used to be her biggest fan. But she lives in a bubble now, and she's borderline rude to her guests when she disagrees personally with their opinions.

    Yes, daytime television can really bring a person down. Thank goodness for back yards and chickens and internet tribes to even it all out. And thank goodness for finding the strength and the path to hover above it all to still be here to be astonished every day, to ensure that our babies don't suffer in the ways we have suffered.
    Amen.

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  23. Maggie- I didn't see the show but I saw clips and when Oprah said to her, "But you were old enough to know this was wrong," I wanted to smack her. I don't think Oprah has ever really (no matter how much she has talked about it) dealt with her own childhood abuse.

    Mel- I agree with you. Oprah is not getting it right these days. I truly think she is burned out. And I also agree with you that Mckenzie Phillips is brave as hell. I hope she can achieve some peace in this part of her life.

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  24. What gets me, among other things, is the stepmother saying it's not true, that McKenzie is making it up. Okay, like somebody is going to make something that horrific and humiliating and shameful and awful for attention. Knowing that there will be people, people she loves, who will be unable to look at her or touch her again due to disgust.

    That's just sad. She finally tells it and her stepmother calls her a junkie liar. She said it was because McKenzie told her once and then called back and said, "You know I was kidding, right." Well, if that happened, she obviously panicked, freaked, and tried to take it back.

    I mean, I got mad at my folks plenty, my father especially, and certainly went for more than my share of attention. But not in a million years would I tell a whopper like that. You don't LIE about that! It's too horrible.

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