I Just...I Just Can't

I have been almost startlingly unproductive today. I took that picture to make it look like I've actually gotten something done but that's misleading. 

I made some chili crisp today. That I did. Do any of y'all make and/or use that condiment? I saw some in a store one day and although the price was outrageous I bought it and I really liked it. It looked pretty straightforward and Lily said she made it so I found a super easy recipe, made a jar, used it up, made another. Here's the picture from the NYT's cooking app recipe for it that I casually base mine on. 

As you can see, if you don't like hot pepper flakes, this probably is not your condiment. I use it very sparingly on my food but I really enjoy it on things like soups or beans or stir fries or noodles. 
The way I make is what I call a cheat recipe. That's because it's got jarred red pepper flakes, dried minced onion, and a little garlic powder in it instead of ingredients I roast and chop myself. I also put sesame seeds and chopped peanuts in mine. I feel certain that David Chang's Momofuko Chili Crunch (same as chili crisp) is probably better than mine but it costs at least ten dollars an ounce which is fucking ridiculous. I made over half a quart today to give as a Christmas present and I doubt it cost me two dollars. I get my hot pepper flakes, dried minced onion, and garlic powder from Costco in Costco-sized containers so really, the cost is negligible. 

And it probably took me longer to write all that than it did to make the actual stuff. 

My other two goals for the day were to wrap Christmas presents and cook the chicken for the chicken salad. I put off both of those things as long as I possibly could and have not nearly finished wrapping presents although I did cook the chicken. I had bought wrapping paper a few weeks ago and up until a day or two ago, it was still in my car. I'd also bought three rolls of Scotch tape because using duct tape to hold the wrapping paper on just looks tacky. But today I decided I wanted to get gift bags too because...well, it's a long story but I wanted gift bags. In the hope that the GDDG would have them so that I didn't have to drive to town, I ran by there and golly gee, Aunt Bee! They had all the stuff! I'm really amazed at the many, many things you can buy at the Dollar General. It's almost like a tiny Walmart. This is not necessarily a good thing but if your kid needs a poster board because her science project is due tomorrow, they've got 'em. There were two guys there while I was shopping and I know damn well they were looking for Christmas presents. I felt so bad for them. You could just see their brains spinning, trying so hard to find gifts for someone they love, desperate to find something that the loved one wouldn't open, look at and say, "You got this at the Dollar General, didn't you?"
And let me tell you something- neither one of those guys looked like they had one molecule of the joy of Christmas in them. I can't imagine the agony of wanting to make a good Christmas for my family with no money to spend on it. And that is the reality for many, many people. I was absolutely not laughing at those guys I saw shopping today. My heart went out to them. 

I did get Glen's presents wrapped. He is going to like exactly one thing I got him. I hope he likes it, anyway. It is that unicorn gift for him in that I think it's something he will really enjoy having and would never have thought of buying himself. It is luxurious and simple and pragmatic, all rolled into one. 

Owen's present came in today and I wrapped that. It was a Rolling Stones hoody and he'll probably hate it but too bad. Maggie's necklace came with its own clever little box and bag with a personalized gift card so that was a breeze. Gibson's present is too big to wrap and so I'm not sure what to do about that. I just hope we can get it in the car. August and Levon are getting two presents that they both have to share. They're pretty good about that. I'm pretty sure they found them in the closet when they were here to spend the night but I don't really care. I just hope they like them. 

For my own kids, I always feel so incapable of getting them anything that would truly make them happy and as I said a week or so ago, I'm sure a lot of that is because nothing seems good enough. How do I give Hank something that says, "Your mother loves you more than you will ever know and you have been her sweet baby for your entire life AND you deserve all the best"? Or May? Or Lily? Or Jessie? Not to mention Rachel, Michael, Lauren, and Vergil. 
It's just ridiculous. I'd start giving them all my jewelry (and I have started passing some of it along on a small scale) but I'm not sure how to portion that out. It's just a deep, dark place that I fall into every year, trying to find each of them something that says all I want it to say. 
Because it's impossible. Things do not do that. Words and actions do. And I know that. 

Still...

I always feel like I could and should do better. 

Oh, hell. There is always fruitcake. 
And money. 

Leftover soup and bread tonight. The soup was very good and the bread was the fluffiest bread I ever made. It was like cloud bread. Those mashed potatoes really did the trick! 

And two days from now this whole shebang will be over. 
Thank you, sweet baby Jesus. 

In his honor, I will post this picture. 

If you would like to know the provenance of that particular baby Jesus, you can go HERE. 

Damn. I used to be such a swell writer. And good Lord, but I was cute. 
Sigh. 
Some things do not change though, and one of those would be the expression on the face of the poor baby Jesus who still lives in my house, although now in the guest room in front of the fireplace. 
He looks no more excited about Christmas than I feel. 

I will survive. And so will you. 

Love...Ms. Moon