Since I posted a picture of Jack last night, I feel I should give you one of Maurice now. I took that one as I was about to turn off the lights last night before going to bed. I sent it to Mr. Moon who answered back, "Crazy cat that I love."
And she is so crazy. Yesterday when I was shelling peas, she'd been sitting next to me on the couch on a pillow and I scratched her head for awhile which she really seemed to enjoy and then she came even closer to lay on the arm rest of the sofa and I reached over to continue with the scratching and she tried to take my arm off.
All these years we've had this cat and we can still find no real rhyme or reason for her sudden bursts of attempted homicide. We have no doubt that she had a very rough and extremely unpredictable childhood but what causes her to turn on a dime from wanting love to striking out? I have seen quite a few TikTok videos of orange cats who act similarly and it may be that orange cats can be insane. Not all of them, I know. But it's a joke now for me to share these little vids with Glen. We watch them, laugh, nod our heads and go, "Yeah."
It's been not as hot today but it's still so damn humid that as I'm sure I've said before, it feels like being inside a panting dog's mouth. Just sticky and gross. And raining on and off. I worked in the garden for about an hour and a half, pulling up field pea vines and weeding, and between drizzle and sweat, I came in soaked. Working in the garden definitely helps my sciatica. When I start off, I can barely kneel but soon enough everything gets stretched out enough that I can which is such obvious improvement. It's temporary, but I am grateful for it.
I have come to the realization that what I am experiencing these days feels way too much like a precursor to a spell of depression. I've been dancing along in semi-darkness for a few weeks now and I'm finally admitting that I'm checking all the symptom boxes in the list of signs of depression. Each and every fucking one. I am not yet in the reaching-up-to-touch-bottom* stage of it nor do I want to get there. Crying off and on all day is one thing, not being able to function is another. I can't focus enough to get anything but the barest minimum of stuff accomplished. I think of all the things I need to do, that I even want to do, and I cannot make my way to doing any of it which makes me even more depressed and leaves me feeling guilty. The idea of having fun or experiencing real pleasure is a tenuous concept at best these days.
And so on and so on.
I have an appointment with my GP in a few weeks and I'll be discussing all of this with him but in the meantime, I'm going to start taking more of my hormones again. I truly believe it's all related. When I get a hot flash, even a mild one, a rush of anxiety comes over me and I do not want to go down that road either. I can tolerate the hot flashes, not so much the anxiety that accompanies them.
So this is how it is right now and what I was writing about last night and decided to delete but fuck it- I know without a doubt that many of you suffer from depression or have suffered from depression and anxiety in your life and I am not ashamed of having a proclivity for this particular malady. I wish I didn't but I do. I've had it all my life and learning about it and seeking treatment for it has helped me tremendously. It also helps to talk with others who have it, to know I'm not alone, to be able to share how we each experience it, what helps, what does not help.
And as I have said, I'm not in a terrible place. So there's that. And I have some courses of action to take and that's important too.
Meanwhile, everything in my "real" (not perceived through dark lenses) life is good. Glen is doing so much better, having come through his own situation, my family is all okay, the wedding is coming about, and there is abundant love in my life. Soon I will be planting the tiny seeds of the fall garden. Or maybe my husband will do the planting as he is so good at those long, straight rows which do make a pretty garden.
I really don't know how to tie this one up, y'all, so I'll just say thanks for bearing with me and please know that if you're going through anything like this, I surely wish you weren't, but you will come out of it. As will I.
Love...Ms. Moon
*Something I heard our neighbor in Winter Haven, Wilma Beasley, say once about someone she knew who was going through a hard time. It struck me as such a perfect description of times I had already experienced as a child and teenager that I've never forgotten it. I just looked Wilma up and here's a picture of her from her obituary and yes, that is exactly what she looked like.
Well, she looks like a Wilma. A long damn time ago, I worked with a Wilma and she pretty much looked like that, too!
ReplyDeleteI have mentioned numerous times that I do take Lexapro for anxiety! Every day without fail and they have been a sanity saver for me!
I just found out from the obit that her first name was Mary.
DeleteI take two different antidepressants. Have for years.
There's a temperamental cat on our street who looks just like Maurice. He sometimes comes in our garden. Temporarily, I seem to have forgotten his name but I would advise anybody not to try to stroke him unless they want their hands to be mercilessly gouged. Sorry to hear that you sense the approach of depression. Such conditions seem to defy logic or commonsense. If only one could just "snap out of it" as some sages might suggest - but it's not like that is it?
ReplyDeleteAs I write this, I have a Maurice-induced small gash on my arm. She didn't want me to pet her. Or...quit petting her. Doesn't matter.
DeleteOh, man. No one would choose to be depressed if we could just snap out of it. Anyway who says that to someone who is suffering has obviously never had depression.
37paddington: darling Mary, I’m sort of right there with you, skirting the edge of the dull grayness, knowing I have much to be happy about, grateful for, but wanting to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day. I don’t. I get up and I function. I smile and make myself socially functional. But for me, the tell is that I’m not quite inside my body, I feel disassociated, shut down. I’m so glad you shared how you’re feeling. I think that’s actually part of moving through it, to welcome it almost and allow it to move on through. You are not alone. And thank you for reminding me I’m not either. Your plan of action seems sound. Please never hesitate to share anything with us. You are so loved.
ReplyDeleteI was going to call what I'm experiencing the "gray dog" and your words about your dull grayness really hit home. Not yet black. But damn gray.
DeleteI did stay in bed for awhile today. I just could not get up. That is very unusual for me. I generally plow through at least some sort of activities. I hope you feel better, my sister. Let's hold on to each other's hands.
Maurice's behavior struck a chord here. Last week I was sitting on the floor organizing some books and playing with my tuxedo cat, Eddie.
ReplyDeleteIf you play too long and maybe a little too rough, it's like someone flicks a switch and he goes into the 'Gaza strip' mode. I stood up and he lunged for my ankle and buried his teeth in. Let me back this up and say he's the sweetest cat on earth...until something triggers him, like playing too long where he escalates and claims temporary insanity. I had a hell of a time stopping the bleeding. He hit a vein. I had to put a pressure drsg. on. The next day I had a flashback from nursing that cat bites can cause big time infections d/t all the oral bacteria (worse than dogs). Of course, it was late in the evening on the weekend and my only resort was the ER. Fortunately, I got in and out in about an hour.
I had a tetanus shot and put on Augmentin. The RN and PA both said it was good I came in as cat bites can be nasty. So....fun and games with kitty.
I hope you can get a handle on the depression. Yes, please relate all this to your doc. Sounds like an increase in hormones isn't a bad idea.
Feel better and dodge those cat bites!
Paranormal John
My cat Jack who is generally gentle as a newborn lamb can occasionally lash out. He gets a little crazy sometimes at night when it's time for bed and he does that "kicking rabbits" sort of behavior. If I try to steer him off the bed so I can rearrange the blanket, he does not like that. I guess in his mind he's already murdering bunnies.
DeleteGlad you went to the hospital. Yes. Cat mouths can be nasty.
I've been feeling quite down too, at the edge of depression but not quite there. I'm angry and that's dragging me down. The big guy and I had a long conversation this morning and I'm hoping that helps. I'm not depressed but I'm not feeling good either, and I don't want to get out of bed which is weird for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you realize that the black dog is circling and glad that you're seeing your doc. Depression is such a horrible disease and the political rhetoric in the US doesn't help.
Sending you hugs and love Mary.
I think sometimes we try to stave off depression with anger. Anger feels more powerful, less hopeless somehow. It never works for long. I'm glad you had a good talk with your big guy. And get this- I spent time in bed today too and I never do that.
DeleteSending YOU hugs and love, sweet woman.
I'm angry because the big guy won't take care of his health.
DeleteMy worst episodes of depression and anxiety have always been tied to my thyroid. Remembering how terrible that feels gives me a little dose of sadness and a massive dose of relief that I seem have that particular devil under control. Glad you recognize yours and can be proactive.
ReplyDeleteHow absolutely wonderful that your episodes have been figured out! That is fabulous! It's all chemicals, I think. There may well be a trigger but the chemicals have to be ripe for the darkness to descend.
DeleteI hear you, and I like that you're talking about depression because it's a real illness. And people who don't have it don't always get that.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has experienced being depressed and everyone has been anxious about something but the illnesses that we call by those names is a whole other situation and that is very hard to explain to someone who's never experienced them.
DeleteThank you for being so honest. I am glad you have some options. I hope things get better for you.
ReplyDeleteThings absolutely will get better.
DeleteI am glad that you have recognised what is happening and will seek treatment. But what treatment? I know several people who take antidepressants and it just makes them worse. I hope that isn't the case for you, I hope whatever treatment you choose helps quickly. Whatever has helped in the past might just be the right thing to do again.
ReplyDeleteIf it wasn't for antidepressants I doubt I'd be here. I'm serious. I am on two of them.
DeleteOh i sure do bet the hormones have a part in it, speaking from the swamp of perimenopause. I hope they help, and I hope you find land again soon. My best therapist once described my depression and anxiety like being lost at sea, and sometimes I'd find an island, but one wave would wash me back into the deep. Eventually, I was able to patch together a network of islands, maybe not a continent, but enough dry land to know that when a wave took me, it wasn't into the abyss but just a little river between islands. Also, yes, orange cats are insane. Snake, our big orange tabby (who cost us eleventy million dollars at the vet this week due to his SUDDEN OBSESSION WITH PLASTIC FILAMENT/SO DELICIOUS AND INEDIBLE) wants nothing more to be as close to me as possible, but i do one single pet too much, he will relieve me of a few pints of my blood.
ReplyDeleteThat is an excellent description of anxiety and depression. I am going to remember that. It's so hard to remember anything positive when you're feeling as if you're being washed away into the deepest depths, though, isn't it?
DeleteI had always wanted an orange cat and I will never regret having the one we have but I'll be damned if I ever take on another.
Torties have a similar reputation. My brother, an ex vet (as in animal doctor not soldier) used to say "why get a torti - just turn a chainsaw on and leave it in the middle of the room".
ReplyDeleteI can't remember where I heard this (maybe even here!) but getting overheated can trigger an anxiety attack and vice versa so if you are feeling you are heading that way run your wrists under cold water. If I remember to do it, it really does help.
I had not heard that about torties. Huh. I've never had one of those.
DeleteI think that being overheated can trigger an anxiety attack but not the serious, continual kind that I hope I never experience again.
It's rare for an Orange Cat to be Female so perhaps she has more of a Male Cat temperament? We have a Maine Coon Cat Mix and he can be very unpredictably aggressive and moody. We've had our share of insane Cats, they fit right in with the Crazy Humans in this Household. Depression can be tough to move thru, I'm Bipolar and have mixed episodes, the highs are great, the lows are a bitch.
ReplyDeleteYes. Female marmalades are rare. And I supposed that we might as well expect that certain animals can be as batshit crazy as we humans are.
DeleteI've heard that the highs in bipolar can feel so good to some people that they don't want to be medicated. I think I can understand that.
My daughter has an orange tabby who is sweetness personified. She doesn’t put up with bossy nonsense from the alpha tuxedo she lives with, but she also never lashes out. Margaret
DeleteI reckon if the hormones help then go for it - anything that can help get you through this!!! As for orange cats you might be onto something. I have one that comes prowling round here that I really don't like at all, and yet I love my neighbours' huge ball of fluff cat. My kids have an orange cat called Leni (I call him Leni the horrible cat) and he is exactly like you describe. Nice one minute and scratching the crap out of you the next. I actually don't touch him at all if I can help it!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely getting back on the hormones. No doubt.
DeleteLeni the Horrible Cat, huh? My grandkids call Maurice "Scratch." Maggie will leave the room if Maurice comes in.
Our cats are also unpredictable, but they don’t attack. The just suddenly get up and move away -- blatantly avoiding our touch. I have had to reach up to touch bottom a number of times in my life. Like you, I can usually tell when I’m headed for a serious depression and can now avoid that depth. But it’s not always easy. I sure does sound to me like not taking the hormones has played a major part. I have no experience with hot flashes, but I think they‘re better than a major depression. I usually change something when I notice myself easily tearing up. I feel for you!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to everything you said. Except for the cats who don't attack.
DeleteSeriously, though, this weeping day in and day out is ridiculous. If that's not a signal that emotionally things are off the track, I don't know what the hell would be.
I'm pretty sure that the hormones have been helping me all along and it's probably not wise to get off of them.
I'm sorry that you are having a hard time right now. Depression sucks. I read something recently that traumatic events actually chemically change the wiring of our brains and that they are coming to believe that this may be the cause of depression. Wouldn't it be a miracle if they were able to actually cure depression? Permanently?
ReplyDeleteI definitely believe that trauma from a young age can fuck up a brain. I actually believe that the mother's state of mind and emotions while she's pregnant can and does affect the emotional wiring of a child.
DeleteAnd yes, curing depression would make the lives of millions so much better.
I just had to look up Wilma Beasley's obituary myself. Her husband died the year I moved to Winter Haven. Funny to think we were leading such different lives just a mile or two (if that) from each other at that time.
ReplyDeleteAt least you have a good sense of what's going on, and what may be causing it. Hopefully restarting the hormones will help. I also hope it helps to spell it all out on your blog -- there's a lot to be said for writing out problems when they arise. (Usually helps me, anyway.)
Oh, I was way, way into my life in Tallahassee when Rudolph died. But you were surely in the vicinity of my family. I left WH in 1972 and never lived there again.
DeleteSome of us NEED to write about these things, I believe. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't.
I got to the end and I'm thinking, so what did she say? then I noticed the asterix and had to go back and find it in the body of the post where my brain just passed right over it, the asterix I mean. hopefully increasing your hormones will fend off the deep dive. of course, my solution to everything is more yoga but then I've never really suffered from depression or anxiety. deep unhappiness, yes.
ReplyDeleteI was very much into yoga, doing it three times a week, when I got my first-ever taste of what anxiety was. And it was horrible. I'm sure that yoga can help and I should be doing it for many reasons, as you know.
DeleteI'm glad you can talk about it and recognize the symptoms so you can get the help you need. Feel better soon, dear Mary.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ellen.
Delete