Monday, December 16, 2019

Tis The Season


That is the picture of a rose whose vine/stem has inserted itself in the fringe of a banana leaf. I took the picture this morning when, even though I could not seem to stop crying, I was still able to see the beauty in the day.
It's been a hard one and I am so tired now.
Let's face it- I am not meant for Christmas.
I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I wanted to stay right there in the warm covers with the cool breeze blowing over me, drifting back down under where nothing matters. But of course one must get up. And I did.
I'm simply feeling overwhelmed and unable to function which is stupid because there is no reason for me to be overwhelmed. It's not like I'm going to be making Christmas dinner for fifty or actually, anyone, and I have enough money to buy my family presents and they know I love them and I don't have to prove my love to them with gifts anyway. I sternly lectured myself with all of these logical facts but it did no good at all and in fact, only served to make me feel worse because if I would just get off my ass and out of my head and be grateful for everything that I have and quit being such a fucking little wussy, everything would be fine and GODDAM IT, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

Well. Something. Obviously.

I did laundry. I hung it on the line. I took the trash. I made the bed. I went to the post office. I cried through all of these things.
I got dressed in town clothes and drove to Home Goods to look for presents and it was horrible. So many people and so much pure junk, destined to be in landfills sooner rather than later and the aisles were blocked by people with carts and my mind was whirling away to somewhere else and I had to keep reorienting myself in space and time and the whole time I was there I was beating myself up because I'd run into someone in another store where I'd gone to look for shoes and I KNEW I knew this person and knew her fairly well and she hugged me and I hugged her back and we talked about kids and grandkids and for the life of me I could not figure out who she was.
I'm losing my mind, I'm losing my mind, I'm losing my mind kept chugging through my head like a broken belt in a car engine, whirling and snapping.
I bought one thing. One thing. It's an okay thing. It was a made-in-Mexico thing. When I checked out, the cashier looked as if she'd been crying. We both asked the other how we were doing and we both lied and said, "Fine, thank-you!" as if we were.
Then I went to TJ Maxx where it wasn't as crowded but there was nothing that I wanted to buy anyone. I drove to a kitchen supply store and that was okay because it's a smallish local place and I found what I wanted quickly and there weren't many people there and then I had to go to Publix and I did and by the time I got home it was four o'clock and I had to get laundry off the line and folded and put away and the dishwasher unloaded and buns made for Tennessee barbecue and a salad picked from the garden and I did all of those things too.


Kale and bok choy and baby collards and mustards and arugula and two different types of lettuce. I rinsed the leaves and they are resting, wrapped in a clean dish towel in the refrigerator. 
Those. Those are real. That is what I can handle. Something tiny that I made happen that grew from seeds I planted and that I weeded and picked and washed and will dress with a little olive oil, a little vinegar, some salt, some pepper. 
That is what I am capable of. 

I finally remembered who the woman is that I ran into at the shoe store. She was our postmistress for awhile here in Lloyd. We talked almost every day. We shared stories. She invited me to her house for some sort of thing which I did not go to. But I liked her. Despite the fact that I didn't know who she was when I saw her today, I could remember that I liked her. 
I still don't remember her name. 
I'm losing my mind, I'm losing my mind. 
I am losing my mind. 
Whip, whip, whip goes the radiator belt. 


Ellen, your roses are still blooming. They smell sweet and deep and spicy and wild and like the skin of the Virgin of Guadalupe if the Virgin of Guadalupe was real or maybe like the hair of Frida Kahlo who was most certainly real after she rinsed it with rose water and combed it out in the sun in her garden. 

I need to go make supper. 

Love...Ms. Moon


27 comments:

  1. I wish I could give you a big, long hug. Not that it would change anything but it would make me feel better about you and your sadness. The holidays can be so hard, and I think it's worse when there's been abuse of one kind or another growing up which can forever make this time of year fraught with emotional peril just waiting to spring on you without warning. Plus there's the pressure to be Happy Happy Happy and to do too much. Then add in all the dear people that have passed on and that we miss maybe even more poignantly this time of year and well.....yeah. It's tough. I so get it.

    But you are NOT losing your mind. You're really not. It's hard to remember things when you're stressed out and just trying to deal with emotions that threaten to overwhelm you. I think it's a protective function of the human mind.

    Sending you lots of love. Take the holiday as easy as you can and to hell with all the "should dos" that don't amount to anything important in the scheme of things.

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    1. Jennifer, I would gladly take all of the hugs you have to offer and I would give some back to you! Somehow I know that together we would be the best huggers!
      You nailed it on Christmas. Happy Happy Happy indeed.
      As my old friend Brian used to say, "Blow me."
      Today I didn't leave the yard. It was lovely.

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  2. What a difficult day. I realize nothing any of us say will help but I am impressed with your gumption to push through.

    As for remembering names, I forget them all the time. I ran into a woman I worked with on Friday - I recognized her voice but not her name. She was kind enough to provide it for me and we had a nice chat. Sometimes I think we have too much stuff in our heads and there is just not enough room for everything.

    Wishing you a better day tomorrow.

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    1. Actually, the comments I got here have helped me tremendously. They have made me feel as if maybe I'm not as crazy as I think, that my mind is probably going no faster than anyone else's. So thank you. So much.

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  3. I'm sorry you are in so much pain.I regret so much that I am unable to carry any of it for you but wish I could. I know for certain that there are hundreds and hundreds of others who wish the very same thing.You know better than anyone that the roots of your suffering likely lie in the incrediably hurtful things that were done to you in childhood and the lack of protection and security you felt. You have raised a wonderful family from what I can see and chose an exceptionally fine partner to share life with. I so enjoy reading all yourposts about your chilren,grandchildren,Glen and you chickens...your old wonderful home..garden...flowers and musings about everything that matters to you. I wish Christmas could just be another day in which all of you get together to celebrate one another,to eat delicious food,to laugh and love being a part of a very tight knit family..If I could just get my magic wand to work...I would wave it over you and blow all the hurt away. Since I can't to do that...I wish you strong hugs from those Perth whom you are close and comfort from unexpected places. Mary in Colorado

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    1. Thank you, Mary in Colorado. Those words mean a lot to me. I know I'm not the only one who wishes that Christmas could be a more joyful thing, the way it's "supposed" to be.
      I wonder if it IS a more special time of year for those whose families do not get together as often as mine does, who are more spread out and less connected. Christmas offers a chance for everyone to come together but of course my family gets together ALL THE TIME! That's just how we are. And every time there is a sort of unspoken celebration of how much pleasure we take in each other's company. How much we love each other.
      So Christmas just seems sort of redundant, I guess, with a lot of expense and stress involved.
      It'll all be over soon.
      Again, thank you.

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  4. If I were on your list (which I'm not), what I would love to have from you is a tiny little booklet of stories you remember about me or things we did together from your point of view. Very small, a couple of pages, held together by a ribbon.I wonder who on your list would like that. I'll think about it and get back to you.

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    1. You know, we talked about doing just that! It's funny - great minds think alike, I suppose?
      Maybe next year.
      I love your heart, Joanne.

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  5. For a depressed person you're incredibly productive. I'd like to do a tenth of what you did today, on a good day.
    The holidays are really hard. Maybe the solstice will give a turnaround.

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    1. So much of what I do is so repetitive that I don't even need to think about any of it as I do it which makes it all so much easier to do. That's part of how I get things done. But I tell you what- when I am forced out of my rut, my routine, I get crazy. I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm not a bit on the spectrum.

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    2. yeah, they(we)'re not as far out as one might think at a distance. My son is definitely an Aspie, and I always said being with him was looking at myself in a funhouse mirror. Explained a lot about me.

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  6. This season is hard. I always think I’m doing it wrong but I don’t know what right looks like. Sometimes the best thing is to cry.

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    1. Hallmark has been showing us what right looks like forever!
      Hahahahahahahahahaha!
      I should sue them.
      Crying can help a lot.

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  7. Please do not berate yourself for being anxious or teary. Sometimes we all need the release of tears. Hugs to you.

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    1. You're right, e.
      Tears are important or we wouldn't cry.
      Hugs are too. Thank you.

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  8. Oh, you're not losing your mind. You just may someone out of context. When you were stressed and upset. That's all.

    Buy toys for the kids, get something Owen wants. Give everyone else money. Go shopping with Glen and buy each other things you really want without worrying if it's the right thing. All done!

    Now, you do me!

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    1. I did already order everything for the children except for the books I bought locally. However, shopping with Glen is not something I ever do except occasionally in Cozumel! We are not good shopping partners. To the extent that I hope that when he retires he will not want to even go to the grocery store with me.
      I'll be glad to do you, baby. Anytime. (Tee-hee.)

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  9. I know that deep desire to go back under the covers. My wish for you is that you be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would your best best friend. xo

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  10. This is a hard time of the year for anyone. But for those with anxiety and depression, it is a test of endurance. The holidays will be over soon enough, and then we have the beautiful Florida winter to enjoy. I am so in awe of the things you are "capable of."

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    1. "...a test of endurance." Isn't that the truth?
      Yep. It'll all be over in a week and a day.
      I appreciate your words.

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  11. oh Mary, I'm so glad the rose bush is doing well for you. it was originally given to me by a neighbor when I lived in the city when my kids were young. it was a cutting from hers and I don't know where she got it but it is an old one. mine has one flower on it right now but I think it's going to be covered soon. as for christmas, I used to hate this time of year, having to go out among the hordes and christmas music everywhere and the question is always 'are you ready for christmas' my answer is always a simple yes. I'm always ready because I simply don't do it. no baking, no shopping, no decorations. my kids are fine with it. the grandkids get money. now that I live out in the country there is no traffic, there are no hordes and I never go anywhere so no christmas music. I do enjoy the outdoor light displays others put up though. today or tomorrow will be better and in a little over a week it will all be over.

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    1. I like the outdoor lights other people put up too! Even the terribly cheesy ones that mix Santa and elves and Jesus and donkeys. They still seem to carry magic for me.
      You do Christmas right! I so admire you.
      And yes, that rose is a beauty and strong, too.

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  12. Sending you a virtual hug and my best thoughts.
    Only a few more days until solstice and the days getting brighter. Let's prepare a bonfire. If only in our minds.

    I don't do Xmas and cheated my way out of the office Xmas party today. Suddenly I was the only one left at work and it felt like the last place on earth.

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    1. I cheated my way out of Glen's work party and I felt fine about that.
      I feel like with the grandchildren that we have to participate in Christmas. At least a little bit. Of course, on the years when we leave town and go to Mexico, I don't feel guilty at all. What's up with THAT?

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  13. You are NOT losing your mind. You just had one of those moments that we all have. I can identify with feeling overwhelmed -- I haven't bought a single thing for Dave, and every time I think of something, I think, "Well, he doesn't need that, though!" We have so much stuff already!

    I'm going to think about it tomorrow, at Tara.

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    1. "When I'm stronger!" Too bad you and I can't run up nice green velvet bathrobes for our men out of drape fabric. Right?
      Yeah, I thought about it all today and thinking about it was all I did.

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