Monday, July 21, 2008

Like Howard, I Am Going To An Island


My birthday approaches. It is one week from today and I have written way too much about the angst my birthday causes me and this is not going to be about that.
I promise.
Because I have a plan in place and that is to quietly slip away without fanfare on Friday and get my almost fifty-four year old ass to Dog Island for a week by myself where I will celebrate my own damn birthday in my own damn way and I have no idea what that means but it might involve skinny-dipping and it might involve sobbing into my pillow and making frantic phone calls to my husband, begging him to come and get me and to PLEASE BRING A CAKE, MY GOD IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND THERE'S NO CAKE!
I hope not.
I have spent a week on Dog Island by myself before and as I've said, it was glorious except for one night when I had some sort of horrible anxiety attack and felt more alone than I've ever felt in my life and it was just this side of madness. But, I'm sure I'll be fine and I truly, really want to go.
I think. I'm pretty sure.
See- wouldn't you assume that by the time a person reaches the age of fifty-four she'd know her own mind? Especially if she's a self-actualized, inner-searching person who takes her psychic temperature at least fifty times a day?
Yeah. Perhaps that's my problem.
That and the fact that I'll be going over all by myself via hired boat ride, meaning there will be no Mr. Moon to carry my stuff and get the car running if it's somehow quit doing that while sitting up on that sand dune where it lives and he won't be there to fix toilets (and I swear, every time we go out there he has to rebuild a toilet) and he won't be there to make sure the poltergeist doesn't get really evil and try to kill me instead of just moving all my stuff around and turning on random appliances at random times and also, here we are in the middle of hurricane season and WHAT IF A HURRICANE COMES UP SUDDENLY AND NO ONE WARNS ME?
See? I'm crazy.
But I just reread my Howard Sprague post that I wrote on the island last March and that made me feel a lot better.
I may be old but dammit, I CAN haul all my stuff by myself and I will get that car started and there are two toilets and one of them is bound to work and I will have a radio and the internet and I'm going to have a fabulous time.
I'm going to get all my stuff unloaded and put away and it'll be completely peaceful and the water will be beautiful and I'm going to take such good care of myself and write and read and walk and do yoga and if I have an anxiety attack-well, I'll just have one.
And I won't turn into Howard Sprague, either.
I'll just be me, celebrating myself.
Which right this second sounds like heaven because the little room where I write is being painted by my son-in-law with a power sprayer that sounds as if every mosquito in the state of Florida is trying to burst into my brain, and the train just went by and I could use a little peace and tranquility and there's a heap of that to be found on Dog Island where you can sometimes go for days without seeing another human being or even a dog, for that matter.
There will be birds, though, and the tide rising and falling and clouds building and moving and cicadas singing and humming and maybe I'll see dolphins.
Maybe.
But right now I have a thousand things to do and I need to go take a friend to get a mammogram and get to the store and it's so nice to think of this time next week when all I'll have to do is...
Whatever I want.
And I can bake my own damn cake.

16 comments:

  1. Is this over-thinking a Leo trait? God knows I'm afflicted! Our birthday mantras could be, "Think less, and breathe more." ;)

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  2. "wouldn't you assume that by the time a person reaches the age of fifty-four she'd know her own mind?"

    Hey, if you're not trying to figure things out til the end then what's the point of being alive? And if you think you're not figuring things out fast enough just decide that re-incarnation is right and you will get it right next time! ;)

    Have an awesome birthday!

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  3. There were TONS of dolphins out when we were there. Just munching down on the mullet, which were jumping everywhere.

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  4. That just sounds like a perfect birthday plan.

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  5. There is something very proper and right about going to the ocean on your birthday.

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  6. Ms. Lo- I love your mantra. I will try it.

    Mike- I sort of already do believe in reincarnation, especially when I see things like that blind Korean piano playing girl who is five years old and can make her little fingers do things that are stunning and amazing but then again, I'm not sure of anything, which takes us back to the beginning of my problem.

    Yes, DTG, you keep saying that but I didn't see one dolphin when we were there last time. Y'all used them all up!

    Nicol and Maybelle- you are both right! Unless we have a hurricane, of course.

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  7. a) you're not old, b) son-in-law? Which one of your lovely daughters is married? c) you're not old! d) you must remember that (and you should know this all too well) your mind changes as the world changes, and it's okay to not know what it is you want at any given time - it just makes you more interesting, IMHO. ;-)

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  8. must! have! cake! for breakfast even if you want... I am so jealous. Damn I am SO terribly jealous. I will think of you and send as much good vibes as I can muster to your island paradise. My friend, you will feel wonderful before, during, and after this wonderful week.

    Have fun... Damn I am SO JEALOUS! I am planning something like that for myself next year. A full week somewhere alone.... oh.... I can taste it already. wow... where shall I go?

    In one week: Happy B-day!

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  9. "Think less, and breathe more" Ha! lol! yep, us Leos can use a little more of that breathing stuff ;)

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  10. Wait- Ample- am I understanding that you're jealous?
    I already feel guilty! For you know, abandoning my family for a week since they're all so needy and helpless and I'm sure they'll fall apart without me.
    Or maybe it's me that will fall apart without them.
    Or maybe, hey! I'll remember to breathe, quit thinking so much and everyone will be fine and happy and I'll eat cake for breakfast on my birthday.
    Yes. I choose option #3.
    And you start planning your next-year's adventure.

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  11. Oh- My G. Life: Yes! Lily got married back in April! Check the old blog posts. It's all in there.

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  12. One week of solitude? I'd take that, especially if it was for my birthday. Then there was the time I got bummed out because there wasn't a cake. So, I guess I'm saying you should pack a cake.

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  13. Hey! Screw the cake and get some really really nice white wine.

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  14. Enjoy your island. I am more jealous than I care to think about. But promise that you will have cake for breakfast at least once!

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  15. You're NOT old. Do the dang thing! You're NOT old.

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  16. Sally- I am allergic to wine! Can you believe that? I cannot drink it because I will get killer bad headaches that nothing but 24 hours will cure. But luckily for me, beer and the hard stuff are my friends.
    In moderation, of course.

    Jon and Lemonade- I will eat cake and quite possibly for breakfast. I promise.

    And That Girl- I know. I am not as old as I will be tomorrow. I am trying to keep this in perspective.
    Thank you.

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