The bees are grateful that the camellias are finally blooming as evidenced by this one, doing some sort of Kama Sutra positioning in an attempt to fully satisfy her pleasure.
The sun has finally come out late this afternoon and I am glad. I have felt so blue today. I woke up feeling this way and it has not much abated. Mr. Moon got up very early to take the kayak to the Wacissa to fish and I know he's had a wonderful time. He sent me this picture earlier.
He told me he saw an eagle catch a fish. I imagine he saw a whole lot of beautiful things and I am sure it did his soul good. It would do my soul good to do something like that too but would I ever get up at 6:30 in the morning to drive an hour to kayak down a river?
We all know I wouldn't.
I think part of my blues today has been about feeling that I am just whiling away my time before I die, doing nothing whatsoever of importance or real stimulation. I do my little projects and chores, I grow my little patch of vegetables. I see my kids and grandkids. I cook. I do crosswords. I listen to books, I read books.
I dreamed the other night that I was writing a book.
I used to do that. I used to travel and see friends and give parties and go to parties and go out to hear music and shop and all of those things and now I do laundry. I bake bread. I spend a great deal of time chastising myself for all the things I know I should change about myself but do not.
I used to do that. I used to travel and see friends and give parties and go to parties and go out to hear music and shop and all of those things and now I do laundry. I bake bread. I spend a great deal of time chastising myself for all the things I know I should change about myself but do not.
I cannot seem to get motivated to do anything beyond the tiny things I do. All I do is wag my finger at myself and say things like, "Girl! You ain't dead yet! There's still so much to do, to explore, to enjoy, to learn!"
And then the me on the other side of the finger hides her head in shame and says, "But, but, but..."
That's sort of a synopsis of my day. Internal finger-wagging, head-hanging, feeling inadequate in almost every way.
I say "almost" because I'm a good cook. I am not inadequate in the kitchen.
I say "almost" because I'm a good cook. I am not inadequate in the kitchen.
I weeded some in the garden this afternoon, using my new garden kneeler. Kneeling on it is sort of awkward for me. I don't feel close enough to the dirt so what I did was use it to sit on, alternating with kneeling on the actual ground. This is good because I do not stay in one position for too long which we all know is what ends up hurting so much. I want to get some of the ground cleared to plant peas and potatoes because it is time. They are supposed to be in the ground by Valentine's Day. I did enjoy that. I activated Ralph the Robot but he had some issues, none of which were his fault. At one point he got stuck under the guest room bed and when I went to free him, I discovered that the floor was wet in there around the bed. I am still mystified. It does not smell like cat pee AND there seemed to be too great of a volume for it to have come from even two cats. I can't see a leak in the ceiling (in there anyway) and the bed does not appear to be wet. So after I got Ralph all cleaned up and set to rights I mopped that room.
Do we have a dog I do not know about?
I picked some more camellias.
Their beauty astounds me.
I made a loaf of bread.
I wonder how many covid bread-makers are still baking?
All the ones that have re-entered life, I suppose.
All the ones that have re-entered life, I suppose.
Well. The man is home. He will have so much to tell me about the water, turtles, alligators, trees, birds, fish, beauty.
Please, please do not tell me that I do plenty. That my life is not small, that I am not just sitting here waiting to die.
Tell me instead, if you want to- have you ever felt this way?
I honestly don't know what I'd do without this blog to write. It is the best thing I do for myself each day. Thank you for being part of that. And for those of you who write your own blogs that I read. We are somehow part of a true community and I am so grateful for it.
Please, please do not tell me that I do plenty. That my life is not small, that I am not just sitting here waiting to die.
Tell me instead, if you want to- have you ever felt this way?
I honestly don't know what I'd do without this blog to write. It is the best thing I do for myself each day. Thank you for being part of that. And for those of you who write your own blogs that I read. We are somehow part of a true community and I am so grateful for it.
And I will probably feel much better tomorrow.
Love...Ms. Moon
I love to write my blog, always have more ideas than I can fit in. And I like the community of blogistas particularly the daily ones.
ReplyDeleteI haven't felt the way you do, so I'm not going to contradict you. You feel how you feel.
I love to write my blog too! So much.
DeleteIsn't it funny how some of us are born sort of optimistic and generally good natured while others of us struggle so. Thank you for not being one of those good natured people who say things like, "Well you know, happiness is a choice."
I wonder if you told Glen about the wet floor in the guest bedroom?
ReplyDeleteThe pic of the snowy egret is beautiful! As is all the camellias ... they are so delicate and stunning!
I think you don't think you do much because what you do is all routine for you! You wear this old gal out just reading what you accomplish in a day! ❤😉
I did tell Glen about the bedroom floor. He, too, was mystified. He checked it out and couldn't find any reason for me to have found all that water.
DeleteI felt like I was holding a mirror up when I read your blog. Actually, you do a hell of a lot more meaningful things than I do anymore. And yea...it gets to me. I'm at an age where there are health issues here, there and everywhere. But I think it's lack of motivation and a general blah-ness. I know I need to kick things up a notch, but don't seem to have the 'what it takes' to do so. I've sort of resigned myself to it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteDoes Mr. Moon have any thoughts on what that Lake Erie is under the bed? Yikes! That's a strange one. Could it be coming from UNDER the flooring? Keep us posted.
Paranormal John
Oh, P. John! I am so sorry that you struggle with feelings like this too. And health issues are definitely part of it. They just ARE after a certain age.
DeleteI am glad when I do push myself but sometimes it just seems virtually impossible to do that.
Nope. No way that water came through the floor. It's just a mystery and it's dry today.
I was going to write in response as to how I have been feeling lately.......but I believe Paranormal John pretty much summed up what I feel like......for about the past year. Throw some guilt in there as well......for feeling like I *need* to suck it up and get a grip and move forward......and that is me. *forcing* change....doesn't seem right either.....so I am at an impasse and pondering things
ReplyDeleteSusan M
Yes. Of course most of us bear the guilt of feeling like we could absolutely suck it up if we only wanted to enough. Or tried harder. Or something. And that may be true but dammit- after a certain age that just gets so wearisome. I don't know what the answer is, Susan.
Deletegive the but-but-buts a day off...go with me to London- go with your husband at 6:30 am ,,,or don't. No big deal- we're all just waitin' around to die....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhWpKZiYSsQ&ab_channel=nettwerkbackstage
ReplyDeleteLoved that video. Thank you.
DeleteI've never been to London. I sure hope you're going because at least I'll be seeing it through your eyes.
I do. I don't do as much as you. The only thing that I'm doing that gives me a feeling of accomplishment is my family history blog. I used to garden, have family gatherings, bake bread, etc. etc. but I don't now.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed that as we age we become far more interested in our family history. That seems to be a universal truth. So you ARE doing that- pursuing that knowledge and I respect that.
DeleteI just want to tell that guilt voice in your head to shut up, and then give you a hug.
ReplyDeleteHave you read the essay about "spoon theory". Health issues have limited my participation in activities for years and spoon theory (google it) describes it well for me. I feel regret and sadness I can't do more - there are SOOOOO many wonderful things out there. Fortunately no guilt.
I am supremely fortunate that I don't have that negative voice in my head. I take no credit, it is I believe a combination of genetics and a wonderful family. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory
Yes. I've heard about the spoon theory and it sounds fairly apt and right on. Some of us just have a lot more spoons than others, I guess.
DeleteYou are so lucky not to suffer from these ridiculous and useless feelings of guilt.
I often feel like, I'm sure a lot of people do, especially when we're surrounded by social media and everybody doing something huge. All I did today was work on a quilt for awhile, long enough to make my back hurt and then tried to take the dog for a walk but my foot was too sore. A wildly exciting day.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm hiding in my bedroom while hubby gets Jack to sleep.
And that voice in your head should shut the fuck up. It's probably a cousin of the voice in my head that tells me I'd be better off dead.
Sending hugs and love. Pixie
Uh yeah. You should tell both of those voices to fuck right off. Indeed. But I know exactly what you mean.
DeleteI have a friend whom I've known since high school and we have communicated regularly since then and he and his wife are always traveling and doing things. In the last few months they have been to Africa, Paris, and New Orleans. And they do a lot of grandparenting and he still works and she is busy with various things and I just feel so inadequate when I compare my life to theirs.
Yes .. me too. I often question what my life is for. I'm not doing anything worth mentioning or being remembered of or by .. I don't even have kids who might have, if only just for a little while.. Like you I enjoy certain things, have some hobbies and some of them I'm rather good at but .. is that it? Is it enough, shouldn't I do more with this one life? I know, not every body can invent something or do amazing things but there are so many people out there who make a real difference, so why am I not? So many excuses .. I'm tired, too old, too shy, don't have the means, etc, etc. There's times I'm also rather OK with it all and even quite happy but I'm also not very proud of myself and can feel sad about seeming to waste a perfectly good life. So yes, I hear ya ..
ReplyDeleteSorry, not anonymous, it's Brigitta
DeleteEvery single thing you said is something I can relate to except for the not having kids part. All of it, even the part where sometimes it all does seem like enough. Thank you, Brigitta for sharing that. It helps to know we are not alone.
DeleteI question my life every single day -- mostly how it's flying or trotting or plodding by me, and what have I done or will I do with what's left of it? I'm feeling particularly blue of late as well. But writing does help, and always the reading of your blog and others in this beautiful community. I wish that you and Mr. Moon could plan a small trip to somewhere new. I know that brings you anxiety, but I'm wondering whether it could just happen.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet, Elizabeth- I think of you as doing SO much. Not just for and with your children but with your community too. Your newest project that you're doing sounds amazing but I can't seem to scrape up even the smallest amount of energy for it. I admire you so much. I am sorry you're feeling blue.
DeleteI do sometimes feel as if I am whiling away the hours doing not much of anything worthwhile, but I have never felt as if I am just waiting to die. Your camellias are beautiful but your bread is magnificent! I am almost inspired to try again with making a loaf. Regular bread though, I don't like sourdough. I'm probably the only person I know that doesn't like it.
ReplyDeleteCount me in the no-sourdough, please-bunch ;) But I love baking.
DeleteBread baking is a marvelous form of therapy, I think. But ladies- not everyone has to like sourdough. Use yeast!
DeleteI get this absolutely! Sometimes I wonder if I'm just decluttering this place so that when it's "done" (is it ever?) I can say "voilà " and then I will keel over dead having spent my life curating stuff - so please don't think you're alone! And I so envy Mr. Moon his passions since I don't seem to have one. And therein lies the rub - for me at least!
ReplyDeleteI read a book once where an old lady decided that by the time she died, her children would not have to do a thing except wash the sheets she died on and haul the furniture out. I can't help but admire this attitude but it's also awfully sad.
DeleteWe are trained to be kids. To be adults. To be parents. To be responsible members of society. Nobody trains us to be old. Nobody tells us we will have feelings of "what now". I think a lot is because we are now living longer and more active lives than those who came before.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think like you on a daily basis and it is crippling.
You're exactly right- we don't have training for this stage of our lives and we also don't have that many role models either except for stories about the sept-and octogenarians and even ninety year olds who are still incredibly active and amazing and are out in the community doing great things. No way we can compare ourselves with them without feeling inadequate.
DeleteYou feel like you feel Mary but I have to tell you your blog keeps me going, every single day. Much love Blods xx
ReplyDeleteNow that made me feel good. Thank you.
DeleteI should have said thank you to you: a heartfelt thank you Mary xx
DeleteFor the moment I feel likle being pecked to death by geese. Everyting is small, meaningless and ... well yes just waiting for death to claim me is not a bed metaphor.
ReplyDeleteMessymimi said I was suffering from the Ookie-pookies. This is a general feeling that the universe is conspiring to make you as miserable as possible, with things you can't help, nor really complain about without sounding ungrateful and whiny.
Something like this: Everything is just plain old stupid. News, friends, family, social media, the nature around me, and even myself - everything is drab, boring, stupid. Nobody ever listens, Nobody ever understands anything. Everybody but me is going places and having fun. The one day I want to go to an outdoor event, is the one day it rains in a long row of sunshiny days. When I go to bed I have to go for a pee. When I go shopping the items on my list are sold out ... and each time I begin getting out of it, something new comes along and hits me over the head.
Well, and that is sort of life. I like that term- "ookie-pookies." It is always something, isn't it? Occasionally days do come along where everything feels lovely though, and I know that it's probably more about my attitude than actual circumstances. Whatever. I celebrate those days. And the rest of them? We get through them, don't we?
DeleteThakn you for these wise words. I'll enjoy the lovely days more, cherish and remember them. Take more photos of them and use as 'screen-picture' on my computer. We'll get through those other days!
DeleteI do love being part of the blogging community. I agree with you on that.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your feelings are unusual, especially as we age. We look at our dwindling years and the pressure to do something "meaningful" with them grows, and that leads to a sort of despondency. My dad used to talk about it, how he felt like he was just waiting to die. I guess the challenge is to see the sense of beauty and fulfillment we get from the small things we do each day, and to enjoy that. It's not nothing!
In a way, you ARE writing a book. What is this blog if not a book? That's exactly what I told myself this morning when I was also wondering why I'm not writing something more meaningful. What's wrong with what I AM writing?!
That's weird about the water under the bed. Spilled vase, maybe?
Your dad felt it too, then. I think so many of us do. And I try very hard to cherish the beauty and fulfillment of the small things. I celebrate them! Even here on this blog. Maybe especially here.
DeleteSomeone should do a study or something about blogging- how it has allowed so many of us who love to write, who feel the need to be heard, to have this outlet. I think this is a fairly unique and new situation.
There were no vases or glasses of water in that room.
I have written about this before - What is my purpose? How can I feel more productive? But I am retired so I am supposed to relax and rest and read and not worry about it! (People keep telling me that)!
ReplyDeleteA funny thought that came to me this morning and made me laugh out loud with myself - What if my life was a musical and I had to sing everything I said or thought? I did then sing, "Today is watering Wednesday so I will water my plants!" I might be crazy, Mary!! :)
"...not worry about it." Ha! Thank you very much. I will no longer worry.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? Sometimes in my family, we DO act like we're in a musical and sing our words and thoughts. So if you're crazy- so are we!
Reading this post through the eyes of a woman who thought that last Thursday, life as I knew it was done and over, I can say that I felt much as you do, useless. Like I should be a more abitious person, maybe. Like I don't have a lot of time to get things done. But you know what? My life is good. My life is enough, and (dammit!) so am I.
ReplyDelete