I got my test results via text last night as I was laying in bed. I had to go through such a procedure to actually view them though that for a moment I wondered if I was going to be able to at all. Codes and web sites, web sites and codes.
I do not have covid.
And so what have I had? Oh who knows and it doesn't even matter. I am feeling better, day by day. Physically, that is. Emotionally I continue to be crushed, as I am sure most of us are.
Do you want to hear something crazy?
Last night, when I put Dorothy Anne and Emily back to bed where they sleep under my vanity, I kept Rosa Violet out. My little Black doll. And I held her close to me as I held my babies as a young mother, as I held my dolls when I was a child, and I whispered, "I love you, I love you, I love you." I stroked her cloth arms and bonneted head and kept her tucked in beside me for quite awhile.
It was ridiculous and I could probably be put in memory care for such a thing but it eased my heart the tiniest bit. Don't we all wish we could have held Tyre close enough for him to be safe, to tell him that he was loved? I am sure that his mother told him she loved him a million times. He had her name tattooed on his arm. But she could not keep him safe.
Finally, I wrapped Rosa Violet up in an old baby blanket, swaddling her like you would a newborn, and put her next to her doll-sisters to sleep, all covered up together on their pillow bed.
I am embarrassed to relate this story but it's true and I did that. Every child who plays with a beloved doll knows that the doll is not a living, breathing being and yet, the child can and will imbue the doll with a spirit of its own so that it can be loved the way the child would wish to be loved. Perhaps this is why I love these old dolls so much. I recognize the child's spirit in each of them and I honor that. I think of the way Dorothy Anne has "I love you" written over her heart, or where her heart would be. That secret message left by someone long ago that I could feel the power of even when the doll was lying in that dark room in the top of an antique store so strongly that I sought her out every time I shopped there and held her for a moment in my arms. And Rosa Violet was my stand-in for all of the babies who cannot be fully safe because we live in a country where skin color is of such importance that we place higher value on one color over another.
I don't think you're nutty for hugging on Rosa Violet. I'm glad you did that. Just like I am glad to hear of anyone loving anyone or anything. When we put that out into the world it is always a good thing. I weep for so much in this country. I feel so helpless; we do what we can, and part of that sometimes is sending love out.ReplyDelete
I think many of us feel helpless and that's one of the worst parts of it.Delete
Loved your post, Mary, and your devotion to your dolls. Two Christmases ago I replicated the gifts I received when I was 8 - a doll much like Emily and a pink wicker cradle to put her in. I still had her pink doll buggy. The love is still there for her. I guess I'm 8 going on 80. Tyre called out for his Mama. I agree with the blog posted at Octoberfarm that Tyre was calling out to all mothers. Hugs, Elaine (in Toronto).ReplyDelete
Thank you, Elaine. Your Christmas presents to yourself sound so wonderful. Of course your love for your doll is still there! My favorite childhood doll was named Dorothy and here I am...Delete
Tyre did call out for all mothers. And we have heard him.
So sad. Yes, we all longed to be there and protect him. Children are everyone's childrenReplyDelete
You are so right.Delete
embracing and loving anything, as you with Rosa Violet.....doesn't lead to memory care LOL! Everyone should have more love in their hearts no matter whom it is bestowed upon. Remember the old song (can't remember who sang it) *Put a little love in your heart*. I remember all the words but can remember who sang it.............. yes. Love. I want to hug Tyre and his Mother. And about a zillion others who have NO love in their hearts. And your camellias are lovely...in January? And what is henbit? Almost looks like mintReplyDelete
Ps.......this was the original with Jackie DeShannon, tho it was sung later by many other artists. I still prefer Jackie's version as it's the one that captured me back then. https://www.google.com/search?q=song+*put+a+little+love+in+your+heart*&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS726US726&oq=&aqs=chrome.0.69i59i450l8.332613335j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:bc6c5ab9,vid:NTxxEdBIL6YDelete
Oh yes. I remember that song and it was definitely the Jackie DeShannon version that I remember. I always love those videos of people (usually guys) with big signs that say, "Free Hugs!" and watching the people who just say, "Fuck it," and go in for that hug.Delete
Police brutality don't care.ReplyDelete
It does not.Delete
Your blog has not made me cry, but your commentators have put tears in my eyes. This world is turning horrid as we live and breath in it. Or are we leaving a period of kindness and entering a new dark ages?ReplyDelete
Your guess is as good as mine, Joanne. I have no idea whatsoever.Delete
Sometimes things are just so huge and overwhelming all we can do is focus on the small and familiar. To be black and live with constant fear in what claims to be the greatest country in the world is just too horrific to imagine. I try not to comment on other countries as ours is far from perfect but this is just so sad.ReplyDelete
Comment away on our country- we know we're fucked up and that we have fucked up. Not a secret to us.Delete
You are right about focussing on the small and the familiar.
The young black man and the young white mother are crushing my soul.ReplyDelete
I'm sorry- what young white mother?Delete
The one who strangled her 3 children. Probably post partum psychosis.Delete
I know of a young man who got a dui. He was very intoxicated. He tried to out run them. He couldn't. He got stopped, he didn't have his license on him, refused the breathalyzer, ranted and raved, was taken to the barracks where he pushed a couple officers around. He does not see the irony in justifying the behavior of some rogue officers against a young man who behaved in much the same way. It never once occurs to him that had he been born black, his behavior alongside that road at o'dark thirty could have gotten him killed. That story breaks my heart. Jim Jordan's interpretation of the events this morning is even more sickening.ReplyDelete
Yeah. And it's weird how all of the mass shooters (who are almost always white) who don't shoot themselves first, are apprehended alive. So we can manage to arrest and transfer a mass murderer to a jail cell but somehow we can't do the same for a suspected reckless driving? Sure.Delete
Well, I am always saying I’m not particularly spiritual or anything supernatural like that, but sometimes I do wonder if some dolls are holders of spirit, and if the only thing “ridiculous” in loving and caring for them is that we humans have forgotten that.
Whether that’s literally true or not (probably not literally), there’s power in loving them, even if it’s just that they can bear the weight of our broken hearts.
lovely, Fresca. You are a gem!Delete
I love the camellias :) I saw the beating on the TV news again last night and heard that poor boy calling for his mama. And I cried again and hugged my own comfort toy, a stuffed baby gorilla whose name is Harvey Banana. If I am miserable for any reason in the winter, I'll take Harvey to bed with me and cuddle him all night. It helps a lot.ReplyDelete
The henbit is very pretty, is it a plant that chickens can eat?
I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who finds comfort in an inanimate object. Thank you for telling me that.Delete
As far as I know, the hens do not eat henbit. Strange, right?
Your writing of Tyre has broken my stitched up-scabbed over- mother's heart wide open. I have to avoid so much of today's news in order to protect myself and my sanity. He called out for his Mama...of course he did...a Mama WILL provide! Sad reality is a Mama can't always protect her children, make the hurts disappear, make everything alright again. If it were that easy and true... we would swoop in and rescue our children Every. Single. Time. The huge question is What is creating this rage/hatred in these police officers to think murdering innocent unarmed people is acceptable?! There seems to be no answers to the horrific problems and escalating evil in this country. I don't know what to do. At this point I'm numb and hopeless.ReplyDelete
I often wonder if my Ben called out for me as he lay dying of ketoacidosis on the floor of his jail cell for 3 days while the jailers denied the nurses entry to administer meds bc they "were on lock-down"? (His cellmate testifyed that between bouts of consciousness that Ben would sing "I like big butts and I cannot lie" so maybe I wasn't on his mind ;) That was my boy!) What I do know for a fact is police lie. ALL.POLICE. LIE. Under oath. I saw it time and time again...they lie to protect their own asses and their fellow officers. And nothing is done to them for this perjury. I'm exhausted by the lack of humanity and accoutability on all levels. The system is beyond broken. I can only try to be kind and help when I can.
Sending love, Angie D
Oh, dear Angie. This must be even harder for you and for all of the mothers who have lost sons. And in a very direct way, Ben died because of police abuse. They didn't beat him to death but they let him die.Delete
I am so, so very sorry.
I don't think it's ridiculous to cradle Rosa Violet. I am always imbuing (is that a word?) inanimate objects with feelings and desires and behaviors. I think it's a way for me to emotionally process the world, as it may be for you as well. I've often wondered if it's also slightly insane, but hey, whatever works, I say.ReplyDelete
I cannot bring myself to watch the video of Tyre's beating by those police officers. And I see a lot of people saying things like, "Well, it's not racist, because they were black police." Which suggests to me that a lot of people don't understand the insidious nature of racism and the ways it permeates everyone's conscious and sub-conscious minds, black or white. (Not that I understand it fully either, because, as you said...privilege.)
As far as I can tell by googling, "imbue" and "embue" hold mostly the same meanings and yes, both are words. I looked it up!Delete
And yes, whatever works. Neither you nor I are in the aluminum foil hat category yet.
People who say that Tyre's murder wasn't racist because the cops were Black have a very simplistic idea of what racism is.
It has been happening for years and years and years and years. We see it now because of video and internet. Will anything change? I keep hoping but how does that help?ReplyDelete
Yes. At least we can all be witnesses. Unfortunately, in so many cases, that doesn't seem to be enough. Do you remember the protests where the people changed "The Whole World Is Watching" as cops beat them up? That, I think, was the beginning of getting things on film. You cannot deny certain things that you can see and hear. And of course, that leads to...protests. As it should.Delete
Love your henbit. Here in Vegas, I admire the little weeds that manage to sprout and hold on to life inspite of the execrable dirt and entire lack of water.ReplyDelete
I love those little vigorous plants too!Delete
I do love you Mary Moon, my sister from another mother. I wish we could protect all the babies. Rosa Violet does too. In every picture I see of him, Tyre's smile, his pure light, gets me, and then tears. He deserves our tears.ReplyDelete
His smile absolutely is a heartbreaker. My god, he was beautiful. He does indeed deserve our tears.Delete
I love you so.
You made me cry this morning. All religions have a golden rule, treat others as you would wish to be treated. Apparently humans are too fucking stupid or insensitive or angry that we can't do this for one another, and that breaks my heart too.ReplyDelete
Sending you hugs Mary.
I know. The simplest thing- right? Just basically be nice. Be good. Be kind. And we can't even manage that.Delete
Beautiful camellias and henbit is everywhere here too.ReplyDelete