Sunday, August 7, 2022

Trigger Warning. Non-Graphic Discussion Of Sexual Abuse


I have been as lazy as an old river today and it hasn't bothered me in the least. Perhaps because it's Sunday. Who knows and who cares? 
Not me, sugar. 
I was just not up for working outside today. Too damn hot and too damn muggy. I had planned to sweep the front porches and made a conscious decision to forget that shit. I just could not deal. I did hang out clothes and then later on in the afternoon, we got a quick, hard rainstorm that I ran out in to get the laundry off the line and got personally drenched and then it almost immediately stopped raining. 
Oh well. 

I had some dreams this morning. Whoa! I was going over them in my head while I was making our traditional Sunday brunch (and it was a brunch because it involved melon which I think is part of the definition of brunch) and I remembered a scene from one of them which was extremely odd and I am not going to relate it here because taken on its own it might be proof in a court of law that I am insane and also because it is sort of scary and possibly triggering for some people. 
It was most likely just my brain coming up with its usual strange and mysterious scenarios but if not, it could be my psyche throwing me a hint as to why doctors' offices and all things medical scare the living hell out of me. I have absolutely no memory from my childhood that could explain the dream but as we all know, we can and do block things that are too painful to recall. 
I have no idea if this is the case here. I've always said that my problem isn't that I have repressed memories but that I have too many memories that stick around like gum on the sole of a shoe. I've heard more than once, "Oh Mary, that never happened," from two family members but as I said to them, "Look- my imagination isn't THAT good." 
So I have no idea. But I will continue to ponder the dream and its possible meaning, of course. 

I'm listening to a book that isn't great but isn't terrible which is sort of the worst kind of book because if it was terrible I would just send it back to the library with no regrets but if it's tolerable enough to listen to, even if it's not that enjoyable, I feel somewhat guilty about returning it unfinished. One of the aspects of the book that is not great is a stepfather/stepdaughter relationship which has possibly triggered me some. Of course every situation is different but the grooming by the predator and the feelings of the victim are always essentially the same, I think, even if they vary greatly in detail. 
In a different dream I had the other night, my stepfather was doing something not necessarily predatorily but he was touching my hand. 
"DO NOT TOUCH ME!" I screamed at him. It's so hard to believe that over fifty years after the fact, I still dream at least weekly of the man and it is always, without fail, frightening. Sometimes terrifying. 

Anyway, la-di-dah. This is the way of it, at least for me. 

I am pretty excited that tonight we will be able to watch the first hour of a BBC documentary series called My Life As A Rolling Stone. It's gotten terrific reviews and I can't wait to see it. It's only just available here in the US today. 

Here's the trailer.



Part One is Mick's hour. Of course Keith has my heart but I freely admit that without Mick Jagger, there would not have been, would not BE, The Rolling Stones. Also, ain't nobody could move like Mick. 

I'll report in with my thoughts on the matter tomorrow. 

Love...Ms. Moon

P.S. The peach preserves are delicious and I think the extra lemon juice gave them the most beautiful golden color imaginable. I am not disappointed in them. 

29 comments:

  1. Just to let you know that I have read this blogpost but have nothing much to say in response except that I always enjoy reading "Bless Our Hearts".

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  2. maybe your dream is your child brain taking back your body by saying no. be gentle with yourself today. xxalainaxx

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    1. Yes. I had a feeling you would understand.

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  3. Taking back control over your person is important and empowering and if your child self is brave enough to say no then she is resilient and good for you...I hope you have a sweet night's rest.

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    1. I agree but it seems that I have to exert this control over and over in my dreams to the point where I wonder- is it doing any good at all or am I just been retraumatized by own mind? I do not know.

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  4. How many exploited people have been told more than once in their lives "that never happened"? Talk about the patriarchy. That's one of its chief phrases.

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  5. What a disconcerting dream. "That never happened" is one of the cruelest phrases ever uttered.

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    1. It is certainly heartbreakingly frustrating to hear.

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  6. being dismissed (*that* never happened) is indeed cruel. Cannot quantify repression vs denial (not applying either of those to YOU).....but they are both suits of armor....... our minds can only handle so much.....the rest goes into a basket........to be digested as we can tolerate.
    Susan M

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    1. Yes, you are right. It seems to me that most people deal with extremely painful trauma by using one tool or another but that could be completely wrong. I wonder if there have been any studies on that?

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  7. I had a scary dream the other night and woke up so sad because in the dream my daughter was in danger and I couldn't find her and I woke up before I found her which was very upsetting. I wanted to fall right back to sleep so I could find her but I couldn't do it.
    I don't want any more dreams like that.
    Hope your dreams are happy, Mary.

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    1. Not being able to protect or provide for my children is one of my most frequent dream scripts. In almost every dream I have, there is at some point a baby who I am responsible for.

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  8. "That never happened" is also a form of gaslighting done by narcissists.

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  9. Oh, how I hope that Rolling Stones doco comes to Australia! I'll watch it. I'm glad the peach preserves are as yummy as they look. I love the Angel statue in the first picture. I had a conversation with my older son recently about feelings and dreams he had and wondered was he going crazy form the drinking or did these things happen when he was much younger? and those things did happen and we cried as we talked.

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    1. I found that angel statue here on the property after we moved in. I doubt I would ever have bought her but she does a fine job of watching over all.
      I am so sorry about your son's experiences. But how freeing it must have been for both of you to be able to discuss them and cry together. What bravery!

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  10. I don't know if you ever discussed what went on with a therapist but I wonder if that would/would have helped! Don't get me wrong, we Brits really don't "do" therapy and I was never up for it anyway but some people find it helpful. Other than being chased by monsters and stuck in a maze (those nightmares are now gone), my (still) most recurring dream is trying to wash/get showered and never being able to do so, for whatever reason. Apparently I'm even now still trying to "wash away" my past - which in my case has nothing to do with my lovely family but everything to do with my ex!

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    1. Oh yes. I have spent years in therapy and one in particular saved my life. I have no doubt about that.
      Your washing dream is not one I've had but I do frequently dream that I need to fix a meal for many people or clean a house which is filthy or do both at the same time and I can never, ever make any headway in either regard. So frustrating. I hate it.

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  11. I can't speak to dream specifics or significance but can appreciate some could be unsettling. I do know repressed memories can be accurately and vividly recalled years later. Drs. say that is rare. Maybe, maybe not. I know for a fact they occur as I was able to verify the facts.

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    1. Thank you for that, Joared. I appreciate that experienced answer to a question.

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  12. Telling someone who has been abused "that never happened" is cowardly and cruel.

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    1. And bless all of us who have had to go through not only abuse, but the attempts to gaslight us later by those who should have protected us in the first place.

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  13. I'm back to not remembering my dreams. I know I'm dreaming, and I do have doozies, but they vanish with my first conscious thought. Anyway, your aversion to doctors could be from a trauma in a previous life.

    We just don't eat jam or preserves. We used to when the kids were little but not now, not for many years. I bought some apricot preserves for the time I made crepes and the rest is still in the fridge, hasn't been touched.

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    1. Not sure what I think about previous life experiences. I am neither convinced they are real or that they are false. But who knows? I certainly don't.
      You don't ever eat jams or preserves? I rarely do- perhaps on half of a biscuit on a Sunday morning but my husband surely loves them.

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  14. "That never happened" that's my bullying older sisters denying my lived experience. all too familiar, mainly when I tried to confront them as an adult about their abusive behavior to me as a much younger sib. Shortly before I finally gave up on trying to reach equilibrium in our relationships. Some things aren't meant to be.

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    1. Damn, Liz. That is horrible. And you are so right- sometimes we just cannot be in a relationship with a family member. Blood may be thicker than water but there are some things that family members do which I call unforgivable. Our mental health requires us to cut those ties. When we can, of course.

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  15. Memories are such strange things and even siblings remember things so differently. I hate being told, that never happened.

    What I've found is that the body remembers more than the brain sometimes. A frightening thought but one that rings true for me.

    Sending hugs and love.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.