That is the only picture I've taken today. Do you think my house needs pressure washing?
Of course you do because it absolutely does.
Today has been weird. I told my husband last night that I would go to a funeral with him today for the wife of a man who owns and runs an auto repair business here in Lloyd which of course is one of the few businesses here. One of Mr. Moon's good friends works there and he's been a sort-of friend of the owner for a long time. But when I woke up this morning I just saw no reason for me to go. I'm sure it's going to be quite Christian, I am not a friend of the husband's and I never met his wife in my life. Nor has Mr. Moon but that's a different story because of his connections with the family and business.
And perhaps still fueled a little bit from this past weekend, I just spoke right up and said, "I don't believe I'll be going to that funeral."
"Okay," Glen said. I don't think he was upset.
Turns out the funeral is tomorrow anyway but I'm still not going. If I went, it would be in support of my husband but I know how it will affect me to attend a service which will no doubt have at least a little mention of Jesus and his magical powers of salvation. This sort of service is a comfort to believers but it will only roil my stomach acid.
I just don't have the patience.
No. I am not being grace-full. Or graceful, either one.
If there is one thing I came away with from the weekend, it is that this is MY life. The only one I have and it ain't gonna last forever. And most likely I'm not going to change my ways very much but I am going to be less inclined to say "yes" to things I'd rather not. I've already been that way for quite awhile but I feel that I might become even more so. And hopefully, just hopefully, maybe I'll say yes to some things that I would not have considered before.
We shall see.
So I ended up going to town to shop at Publix where Lily was working and as she got off work just as I was finishing up we went to lunch together at a very fine farm-to-table restaurant just a bit up the street. It was good to be with her. We caught up some and I probably bored her to tears with tales from my adventure. But she graciously listened.
I came home and unloaded the groceries and started a pot of gumbo. I made up the dough for a loaf of sourdough this morning and as we speak, the gumbo is simmering, the oven is preheating.
All is well, all is normal and fine and yet...I have a deep sense of what almost feels like anxiety. Like the separating of my friends and me has caused some sort of bone-deep shearing of parts of a whole.
I don't know. I'm awfully dramatic and I know that. That is something that will probably never change. But our time together did not involve husbands or children or grandchildren. Oh! We talked about all of those things. A lot. But it was all the discussion of our beloveds from our own hearts. And because we knew each other before the husbands and children and grandchildren came into our lives, we were able to somehow reconnect with the parts of ourselves that were there before these deep relationships. Well, except for me. I had two children already when they met me. Still.
As I said this weekend and as I always say, if the unexamined life is not worth living, my life is definitely infinitely worth living.
I am not sure about a lot of things but I will tell you this- I know how incredibly fortunate I am in the friends I have. That may go without saying but I wanted to say it anyway.
So. I am sure that I will adjust to my own life as it is soon enough. I will soften back into it. And even as I write all of this, I know that I have the life I have wanted. That I never even dreamed was possible. I mean- let's face it. I certainly never dreamed of having chickens and such a good-looking rooster as Liberace. Or a husband as good and dear and fine as the one I have. Or my amazing children who are all so different and so loving. Or five grandchildren, each one living in velvet-lined chambers of my heart that I did not even know existed.
Time to go stir the gumbo and put the bread in the oven. It has not quite risen to what I believe is it's full potential but can't we all say that about ourselves too? It will still be good.
And we are too.