Monday, August 9, 2021

I Think I May Need Help

 I woke up this morning swamped with stomach-cramping anxiety. It directly relates to my coming-up doctor's appointment and I'll try not to talk about this too much but just as it twists my guts, it spills out of my fingers as I type. 

So I figured that all things considered, it would behoove me to take a walk. I have not walked in weeks. Weeks and weeks. This is not like me. I've had so many excuses. Rain was a good one for awhile. Being in North Carolina was also a fine excuse- if you think I'm going to walk up and down those hills you are wrong, wrong, wrong. The heat has been more than an excuse- it's been a valid concern. It has been torturous lately and it was this morning too but I am quite aware that I can walk a few miles without dying and so I put my shoes on and I did just that. 

Walk. Not die. 

I took no pictures because everything just looks hot. If heat can be seen with the naked eye, then that is what I was seeing. Nothing but hot trees and hot grass and hot weeds and hot houses and hot sky and hot road and hot sidewalk. When I finished walking and turned into my shady driveway I was a red-hot mama.
Literally. 

I knew I needed to go to Publix today because I didn't go last week when I discovered I was driving around without a license plate but I could NOT get motivated. I decided to start in with the clearing/cleaning of the dining room. It's not a huge room but it's big enough to hold a whole lot of crap. 
Which it does. 
Tchotchkes from beach wanderings and Big Lots. Sewing crap. An antique suitcase which had once held hats in a rather charming way was now filled with hats of all descriptions including gimme caps from everywhere we've probably ever been. Also sun hats. Also straw hats. Also beach hats. Hats I have not worn in years. Hats I will never wear. The suitcase sits on an old chest which I have not opened in years. I still haven't because I haven't gotten that far yet. Basically, I walked around the room and put stuff I knew I didn't want in a bag and then started pulling hats out of the suitcase and trying them on and I also washed a beautiful old silk scarf that Kathleen had given me that had been draped so artfully on the back of the suitcase. A collection of coloring books and activity books, crayons and markers and paper have also been collecting on that trunk for a good long while. I need to go through all of those. I am so tempted to throw out the giant tin of crayons and replace them with one new box of the things. The crayons are so old that half of them won't even transmit color anymore. 
Let it go, let it go, let it GO! 
Those things are there because the dining room table is where the children use the coloring and activity books and draw pictures. Which makes sense but it's still so much clutter. 
Behind the trunk, which has been sitting catty-cornered in a corner (duh) I'd stashed some paintings that a family member (long dead now) did, which my mother had owned. I have absolutely NO attachment to these pictures except for the fact that someone I am sort of related to did them. They are not bad but they are also not that great. 
They are now in the trunk of my car. 

Here's another thing in that room that I have been thinking about letting go. My grandfather had a collection of The Harvard Classics, a set of books that I seriously doubt anyone ever read in entirety but of which it was said that if someone did, it would be the equivalent of a college education. 
In 1937 or something. 
And I have been in possession of these books almost my entire adult life. In Florida. In an old bookcase with glass-fronted shelves which sort of work and sort of don't when it comes to opening them. The books were bound in either leather or fake-leather and they crumble when you handle them. I feel certain that they are essentially worthless and I feel certain that no one on earth is ever going to read them ALTHOUGH if the apocalypse happened and we had no access to the internet or libraries, I would be the happiest woman in the world to have them. 
That is not a good reason to hold on to something. 
But, but, but...they are the great works! 
And can't you just see me sitting in my crumbling house, wearing my crumpled crinolines, eating my crumbs of food, reading my crumbling books by the light of candles I've made myself with all the crumbles of crayons that I also saved? 

I guess it could happen. 

But you can understand my dilemma here- do I get rid of this five-foot shelf of books that make me feel vaguely guilty and queasy every time I pass it because I've never read so much as one volume or do I keep them because they are books- which are sacred- and which are made double sacred because they were my granddaddy's books? 

Help me Jesus. 

And so no, I have not finished in the dining room although I did ask Mr. Moon this morning if he knew how to sell things on FB Market Place and he said he did so perhaps that is an answer. Maybe someone out there would love this set of books and the bookcase too. 

Although.


Yes. The picture is blurry but there's no light in the depths of that bookcase and you get the idea of what I'm dealing with here.

All right. That's enough of Ms. Moon's ponderings and dilemmas of the day. I did go to Publix. I will work on the dining room again tomorrow. 

Lord, I wish I could go back in time and have a stern talk with my younger self about what is and what is not worth keeping. 

On a completely unrelated note I threw both of Dottie's eggs into the woods today. Trust me. There were no chicks in them. Perhaps now she will rejoin the flock. I hope so. Her comb and wattle are almost blue instead of the scarlet they should be. 

Sigh.

Love...Ms. Moon





30 comments:

  1. I can tell you that the Harvard Classics are a dime a dozen and you can safely pitch yours, especially as they’re in unsaleable condition. I’ve been a volunteer for our library for over twenty years and can’t tell you how many of these sets have passed through our book sorting room. Go for it and enjoy passing the bookcase guilt free. On another note, just last week my cousin and I, both a good deal older than you, were happily remembering the green ceramic frog filled with crayons our grandmother kept for the grandchildren. Toss the old crayons, too, splurge on some new ones and everyone will be happy. 🐸🖍

    ReplyDelete
  2. Quite honestly, I got rid of a lot of books. They were books that I loved and thought I might want to read again. I accepted the fact that I am 64. I have plenty of stuff to read that I haven't read, let alone go back and re-read. Do you have other things that belonged to your grandpa, things that might be more meaningful than unread books? Perhaps just keep one of the books. I dunno. All I know is that when I get on one of these tears, I am ruthless, and I don't feel bad about what I've gotten rid of after its left my house. Well. Except for my favorite earring that I'd lost the mate for. I finally accepted the facts, and let that lone earring go. Months later, something fell under my car seat, and I kid you not, I found that damned lost earring. I felt really bad about that. Everything else though? I'm okay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So get this- yesterday I was going outside to put something away in my car and just happened to look down and there in the dirt was an earring! It was the match of the one I was wearing which must have come out earlier in the day. I didn't even know it was missing. I consider that a sort of miracle. It's actually a "fine jewelry" earring too! I usually wear more hippie-ish ones which I would hate to lose but would be more easily replaced. Also sentimental value- my husband gave them to me on my fortieth birthday. I still can't believe I found it.

      Delete
  3. So. Get rid of the crumbling books. You will feel awful as you're doing it but relieved afterward. If you want to own those classic books, I think a pristine new set of them will make you feel much happier. That's my two cents, and if I'm off base then of course you will ignore it. As for the doctor, you know what's going on. It's awful that it stalks you still, even with that lovely doctor you have. Simone Biles talked a bit about it, how her abuse has made her anxious to see doctors, even when she knows she's safe. I hope this comment isn't triggering for you. I'm so sorry if it is. Hugs, love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not triggering. Thank you, darling! I can certainly understand Simone Bile's situation. Bless all of those women. Damn that man!
      The books are gone! I did not feel nearly as bad as I thought I would throwing them away, either.

      Delete
  4. old tattered books bound with hemp string with something on top like an old photo or a tiny skull in a bit of old lace is all the thing for cool decor doncha know. An antique shop would buy them Probably. Props for shops!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. An antique shop wouldn't want them either. They literally crumble in the wind. I've seen those decor book piles and they make me extremely uneasy. WTF?!

      Delete
  5. get rid of the books, no one is going to want those half rotted things and I'm sure if you were ever motivated to read those Harvard classics you could find them on like or at the library. I can say this because when we moved to the country house we had a full set of Encyclopedia Brittanica and the entire set of The Book Of Knowledge that my husband had as a kid, none of which we brought with us. The dump would be a good place for them.

    and toss the crayons and markers. buy new ones. I would do that regularly when my grands were little and coloring. they would leave the caps off the markers, peel the paper off the crayons, broken and nubs.

    anything that is dirty and disintegrating, get rid of that too. it had it's time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and you are crazy for walking a couple of miles in this heat. I can manage about 40 minutes with the dog and that's at 6 PM.

      Delete
    2. I took my childhood encyclopedias to the dump before we moved to England. It made me sad, but it was time.

      Delete
    3. (And I don't miss them at all!)

      Delete
    4. All tossed, Ellen! I did need help and y'all came to my rescue! I will buy new crayons. Which is always a treat. I might color with them a bit myself.
      Steve- thanks. That made me feel better.

      Delete
  6. You have started on the getting rid of things not meaningful to you.that is awesome! Sometimes just getting started is the hardest part.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just sold some books on eBay, priced at a dollar each. Thank goodness I also charged postage (book rate), and cleared about ten cents on each of the ten or fifteen books I sold. The last 200 books went to the VFW charity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now see- that would not be worth it to me for the labor of taking them to the post office and shipping them. "The last 200 books..."
      That's great!

      Delete
  8. Toss the books. They're rotting and crumbling. Replace the crayons too while you're at it.

    I'm sorry your upcoming doctor's visit is causing you so much anxiety. On the upside, it seems that it's making you clean:) I know when I'm anxious I clean like a demon, or when I'm trying to avoid something. My house was always cleanest during exam time.

    Sending hugs and love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I, too, used to clean during exam time! Craziness! You're probably right- I'm trying to deal with anxiety by this purging.
      Sending hugs and love back.

      Delete
  9. My Mom died 3 weeks ago and we just had a family gathering where we went through all her stuff and distributed it amongst her 6 kids.

    To my surprise my nephew, who just graduated college with a lot of art and writing, wanted the family Harvard Classics that came from my grandfather. They were cloth bound and not crumbling like yours. The only volume that showed any wear was the "Folklore and Fable" one, and it was pretty beat up.

    This is in no way encouraging you to keep them in case one of your grandchildren wants them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My grandchildren will never know they existed and even if I had kept them, they'd never be able to read them for the crumbling. So. Done and dusted.

      Delete
  10. I don't want the books but if you decide to get rid of the bookcase I would definitely take it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am pondering that. I may keep it for now. But if it tells me it wants to leave, you're getting it.

      Delete
  11. Detaching from our stuff can be a process, sometimes a more difficult one than it should be. I've been downsizing for a while now and making some progress in that direction so that my Heirs won't have the duty to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear you. Mostly I'm doing it because I just don't want all this STUFF!

      Delete
  12. Eeewww, those books would be a difficult one! Since I can't be bothered to try to sell anything I'd consider putting them on Freecycle, just to get rid of them, hopefully to someone who would treasure them. If not, I think it would have to be the trash can (but it's VERY difficult to get rid of books isn't it)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is difficult to get rid of books. But I am doing it!

      Delete
  13. I am glad you liberated Dottie from her nest.

    We had the Harvard Classics too! "The Five-Foot Shelf of Books," as you said. They were my grandfather's. I actually read a few of them here and there, but yeah, we got rid of them when my mom moved and none of us have looked back. To be honest, given the condition of yours I'm not even sure they have re-sale value, but you could give them to a thrift store and let them sort it out. (Unless they all look like that, in which case the dump may be a better option, sad to say.) I wouldn't feel like you have to keep them unless you honestly think you might read them at some point.

    I hate throwing away books, but I don't have a problem giving them to charity.

    And yeah, get some new crayons! Why not?!

    I know Dr. Zorn will ease your anxiety when you see him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang Dottie just keeps sitting on other hen's eggs now. I take them out from under her and put her outside but she jumps back on the nest. She's determined. I wish I had one peep to give her.
      And yes- all of the books looked like that.
      I'm sure you're right about Darling Doctor Zorn. Unless he tells me that my bloodwork indicates that I'm going to die soon.

      Delete

Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.