Monday, October 22, 2018

If I Could Choose


Here's a picture of Maurice who spent half the day just like that, curled up on my bed. I finally had to move her in order to make it. Cats, like humans, get acclimated and I'm sure that to her it feels cold. A friend of mine moved from Tallahassee to South Dakota recently and her poor kitty has had a difficult time adjusting to the (truly) cooler temperatures there. She is not most pleased, I hear.


Here's what darling Dearie and her babies looked like this morning when I took them their chopped grapes and spinach after my walk. They seem fine and survived last night's lower temperatures under their mama's wings without a problem. 

I took a very pleasant walk this morning in the coolness. I woke up with a lot of anxiety and all of that blah, blah and hoped that the walk would magically fix it all but it did not. However, as always I was glad I got out there and did it. I have no idea why but the anxiety has been ramping lately and I need to do whatever I can to be able to live with it more comfortably. I would say to do whatever I can to fend it off but that doesn't seem to be how it works. 
Hell. I don't know. 

I don't know anything (have you figured that out yet?) and am pretty sure that I've given up trying. And so I go on doing what I have been given to do and trying with all of my heart not to take things so seriously. If there were one thing I wish I could change about myself, I do believe it would be that I could have a more cheerful and trusting heart. I think that if I had that, so many things would flow more easily and I would be able to put it all in perspective with more wisdom and certainty. And quite frankly, it seems to me that the people I know who are more like Pollyanna in their outlooks actually get more accomplished than we who fear that all comes to naught. 
How much easier is it to make a leap of faith when you believe that the very earth itself is waiting to catch you than it is if you believe that the result of such a leap will lead directly into the great abyss? And without those leaps of faith, nothing much can be achieved. 
I know that with all of my pessimistic heart and yet can no more seem to change myself than I can change the color of the sky. 

Ah well. Like Popeye, I yam who I yam and that's all that I am. 
I had some spinach for lunch. It was good and now my biceps are like the ones Brutus has. 
Trust me. 

And for those of you who do not know who Pollyanna, Popeye, and Brutus are, I can only say, "Well, that's all right. I am old. You are not."

Love...Ms. Moon

18 comments:

  1. Pollyanna? There has never been a more annoying character ever. She is the type to grow up and go completely bananas one day. She is the angry and bitter woman in the nursing home that all the workers avoid because she is a total bitch now. She needed to sit with her anger and pain and sadness and own it.

    Norbert will sleep on my bad for 10 - 12 hours. Sometimes I check to see if he is still breathing. He gets exhausted, the poor baby. It’s hard walking up a flight of stairs after sleeping all night.

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    1. Well, I do have a very good friend who jokes that she is the Pollyanna character in our relationship and she is and I love her for it. She gives me another perspective and I love watching her forge ahead in life with such cheerful determination.
      You made me laugh about Norbert. Maurice doesn't even have to walk upstairs.

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  2. The optimistic pollyannas do get more done, it's true; us anxious pessimists have our own job which is to make sure not everyone has leapt happily off the cliff, which sometimes actually is a cliff+abyss. It's a hard job...

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    1. You are so right, Sally. We simply must keep warning everyone that the sky is falling! The sky is falling!

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  3. I'm not a Pollyanna, I don't think, but I do believe in chaos. And absurdity. And hell -- I don't know what I believe. I don't know shit, as you always say. I'm reading Rebecca Traister's book about female anger, though, and it's incredibly illuminating and satisfying.

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  4. One thing I feel I've settled on, despite changing scientific goalposts, is that anxiety begins in the gut. There are conflicting views as to what to do about that, though. Combined with hormones, they're certainly dramatic little bastards in my case.

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    1. Yeah- I do not disagree that a lot of problems arise from the gut. But what to do about it?

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  5. I imagine you did have a more trusting and cheerful heart before your stepfather abused you. It makes me angry to think that he did that.

    I'm feeling down too. I was assaulted at work by someone, a clerk, and I wonder why on earth she did that to me. I take on the blame for her craziness. She hit me and I feel bad. WTF!

    So I made a cake this morning and I will take it work and it will help me feel better. Sending hugs.

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    1. Why in hell would someone assault you? That's just too bizarre. I hope you didn't give her any cake.
      I may well have been at least a bit less pessimistic before that man came into my life but my mother always said that I was a worrier from birth and that is probably true but to my credit- there was a fuck of a lot to worry about, even before he showed up.

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  6. I come from a long line of pessimists. My dad used to say that, if you expect the worst, when it happens then you’re not surprised. But the alternative seems to me to be deliberate ignorance, which can’t be a good thing either. So I try to especially look for those things that buoy me up, like silly animal videos, and I tell the birds at my feeders how much I love them, and the spent plants in my garden how much I appreciated their abundance. It helps. Reading your posts also really helps, because you have a knack for articulating much of what I feel and it seems like the touch of a friend’s hand.

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    1. Well, you certainly have the right name! I had a friend whose sister's name was Joy and when she got older, like a teenager, she changed it to "Sorrow." True story. Although she may have spelled it "Sorro" or something like that. Thank you for your sweet words.

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  7. I'm generally an optimist but I feel that waning these days in this iteration of this nation. just proves how horrible human beings are. I don't care for humans as a whole. individuals are nice though. the husband, on the other hand is a pessimist though he would disagree with that. I'll get an idea about something I want to do and he will tell me all the ways it won't work. he calls it problem solving in advance but it drains the enthusiasm from me. you know, why bother.

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    1. "Problem solving in advance." Haha! "Just don't do it. Problem solved."
      That's pretty much me. My poor husband. And poor you, Ellen!

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  8. Pollyanna kind of annoys me. Her approach is another kind of gaslighting us about what's really going on. It's hard to feel all cheerful with all the news about us, and now with all the theft of votes going on, it seems things may not change. I'm not sure how to deal with that. It is depressing the hell out of me. But we go on. And there are chicks. Fluffy, soft little beings who make life better. Good morning, dear Mary. I'm happy to be here with you.

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    1. I am not optimistic about this upcoming election AT ALL. Of course I would like to think that I am just protecting myself from the possibility of devastating results whereas the truth is that Democrats will persevere through all of the vote theft and win anyway. But I honestly don't see it happening. It's like what happened in November, 2016 has destroyed my faith in humanity and I don't see it coming back.
      I sure am happy that you ARE here, though. With all of my heart happy.

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  9. I have no idea what's going on. I don't know why people are so crazy. But I do think there's a lot of value in finding our own peace and satisfaction in the small events of daily life, like chicks and dogs and cats and whatnot. To be honest we don't have control over much else, and while it's important to take whatever action we can in the big picture, it's just not productive to overthink it all. (Not that I'm saying you're overthinking. But I know I have that tendency!) Is that Pollyanna-ish? It feels more like self-preservation.

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    1. I like your attitude, Steve, and I agree with it. You are such a good person.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.