Saturday, October 1, 2011

This Is What I Want

I actually went into a store today and walked around and looked at clothes and tried some on and bought three things.
This has not happened in forever and a day.
One shirt, especially, whispered Cozumel, and a very light cream-colored knit sweater thing as well. There will be cool evenings in Cozumel at Christmas time. I feel sure of that.

I had trouble, staying in my body but I managed to do all of that anyway, and when anyone said anything to me, I replied so sweetly. There was a mother and a darling little eight-month old and the mother was trying a sweater on the little girl and she asked me, "Is this too old for her?"
I said, "It does look a bit matronly."
And the little girl gave me a baby-toothed smile and she had gold earrings in her ears and her hair was so soft-looking that it took everything in me not to reach out for the child.
"She is so precious," I told the mother and she said, "Thank-you!" I could tell she already knew that but it never hurts to tell a mama that. Never.

Lunch was fine. There were four of us, Freddy and Vanessa and a woman I just met last weekend. We talked about films and about the evolution of the brain and technology and about how we are going to Cannes someday and how I shall wear a red dress.
We also talked about polygamy and I said that I don't care who is married to whom. It doesn't affect my marriage. I said that if a sister and brother want to be married, I don't care about that either. I thought about the Egyptians and how the royal families married daughter to son. I said that if a man wants to marry more than one woman and they all agree and are happy- what is it to me?
And what is it to me?
None of my business is what it is to me.

I went to Publix, I got one of everything. I picked up Zeke. He had been a good boy but Lily wasn't inclined to want him to stay any longer. Owen was asleep and I wonder if he threw a fit when he woke up and found that his Mer-Mer had come and taken Zeke home. Zeke rode on my lap all the way home, staring out the window and I stroked his head.

I came home and unloaded one of everything and put it all away and Mr. Moon had picked me wildflowers in the woods when he was out hunting this morning and put them in a vase.

I wanted to hold him and so I did. That man.

I am doing what soothes me. I am making soup.
I cut up venison into chunks and sauteed them with a little olive oil and peeled and chopped six cloves of garlic and added onions and carrots and celery and okra and pinto beans and tomatoes and salad greens that had gone past their due date. There will be potatoes and corn in there too. There is bread from last night.

It has been a day of unbelievable light and I have reached for it all day long. I hugged my pregnant daughter and put my head on her bosom. She is so much taller than I and it is odd, to be the mommy and so much shorter than the child but I am used to that. I have tried my hardest to stay present, to appreciate, to not fall into any sort of darkness whatsoever.

I took pictures of my Confederate Rose. Here is the tree-bush.

Here is what the blossoms look like.

Do you see those pink confections? Those heavy heads of pink?

I am thinking about what Lo said in a comment to my morning post. About letting go.

I want to let go to glory. I want to let go to love. I want to let go to light. I want to let go to hope. I want to let go to possibility. I want to let go to the sweetness of it all, the fall flowers, the germinating seeds, the simmering soup, the precious babies, the tender man, the joy.

Okay, Lo. I want to. With every quiet fiber of my being as the light falls from west to east, as the soup simmers, as the cardinals come to eat at the feeder, as the bowl of eggs on my counter is a reminder of my daily beautiful bounty.

I want to.


  1. What a perfect sounding day! I bet that soup is absolutely delicious.

  2. i love your garden. and those flowers your man brought home for you, a precious thing.

  3. The thing with polygamy is you end up with the likes of the boys you find up in the woods around these parts and don't want to run into, ever. If they wouldn't have kids, I could care less if they get together.

    On a happier note, that is so sweet with the flowers from your husband!

  4. I saw some beautiful photos of Cozumel today and thought of you.

  5. It sounds like a wonderful day. Mr. Moon is good for you.

  6. Angie M- We're about to eat it and see.

    Angella- Yes. He is precious.

    Rubye Jack- I know that part of polygamy. Whenever religion gets involved with something, it all goes nutso. I agree.

    Lisa- Where did you see those photos? I would love to see them too if they are online.

    Syd- Yes. He is.

  7. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    You're just so good.

  8. Your writing is light and glory this weekend, that much I know.

  9. Lo is brilliant. What powerful words. Perhaps it is different for everyone of us. We have to find our own way. Wanting to find the way is huge. Peace. Thinking of you.

  10. my dear ms. moon,
    i want for you so much, that i would lift away all the weight on your heart, all the past that fell short, all the dark gashes to the bright innocent child of you. i want for you,
    to wake up new to the idea of light and as if hearing chickens for the very first time and in the arms of mr. moon....and the language of flowers, clouds, a soft breeze.
    for what it is worth i will picture this for you.....again and again...forever and a day.

  11. my confederate rose is not doing well. it is just now putting on a few buds. it became infested with white fly and I did try to remedy it until way too late. then two winters where it froze to the ground. this year the leaves come out all curled tightly and when, if, they unfold they still do not look healthy. I have no idea what ails it.

  12. I think the modern definition of polygamy is very, very different from the backwoods version that involves banjos, and all.

    I love your post, Mary, and I can't believe how high up those roses grow.

  13. Elizabeth- I am feeling rather bad this morning, which is good.

    Denise- Write about what you know, right?

    Jaye- Thank-you, and yes, Lo IS brilliant. Aren't we lucky that she's part of us?

    rebecca- And you have made me cry. Oh, the blessing of you...

    ellen abbott- I have no idea. We can't kill ours. Mr. Moon cuts that sucker back to the ground almost every year.

    Jo- Well, this was certainly an interesting take on the whole matter. Humans will just find one way or another to love and be loved, won't we?
    And the Confederate Roses aren't real roses. They are related to hibiscus, okra, and Rose Of Sharon, which by the way, was the name of one of the wives in The Lonely Polygamist.

  14. If wanting to was enough to go and do it nobody would ever have problems and longings... Easier said then done. Keep going at your own pace Missus Moon. Lovely flowers from your man. What more can one need? (Don't answer that one... ;o))

  15. Thanks you for the pink, the sweetness. I know that feeling well, not being able to stay in your body. I love the flowers from mr moon, black eyed susans are a fave of mine. I'm so glad you found a way to surround yourself with such amazing loving family and friends. I know I am worse when I am isolated but it feels so late in my life to know how to change that.

  16. Photocat- That man is as good as it gets, I tell you. He gave up trying to "fix" me a long time ago, accepted me as I am and lets me be who that is and still brings me flowers and tells me he loves me. I am so damn lucky. And yeah- if I could figure out how to let go of the past, I sure as hell would.

    Bethany- I know what you mean. Even as I am so surrounded (if I want to be) by so many, I tend to retreat here whenever I can get away with it. I wish I had some answers, baby. I sure do.

  17. The Confederate roses are lovely. Glad you had a good day.


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