Saturday, October 1, 2011
I can feel the cooler air rushing in. It comes in rustling gusts. The pecan leaves are beginning to fall, always the first to do so and of course, the last to appear in spring.
I feel heart-stopped.
Torn and jagged.
For no apparent reason.
The train goes by. If Owen was here, he would throw himself into my arms. He likes to pretend that the train scares him. The other day we went into the old barn. It is dark in there and the door creaks and it would make a terrific haunted house. "Scared," he said.
"Are you scared?"
"We can leave."
He is still so young that he likes being scared. His scared falls far short of terror. I would hope it always does.
What is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome except for never getting over a terror? Terror can settle itself into the body and reform everything. I believe that. I also believe sometimes that I spend my entire life trying to comfort myself away from the terror that took root when I was so young.
Doesn't leave a whole lot left over for much else.
I am supposed to go to town today. I am meeting a friend for lunch. Such a simple thing. Meet a friend for lunch. I need to go to the store. We're out of fruit and coffee is on sale and I think maybe I need one of everything. I need to pick up Zeke.
It should all be so simple.
When I went out to get the paper this morning, I looked down the road and thought to myself, That road leads everywhere. The light was pouring down the road as if it was illuminating that point.
I got the paper and came back inside.
The wind makes a noise if something stands in its way. The dunes on Dog Island catch it and cause it to whistle. The sea catches it and causes it to sound like foam dissipating. The pecan leaves catch it and it sounds rusty and swishy. Pine trees catch it and it sounds like whispering. Things give tongue to the wind.
Words give tongue to the heart and the soul and the mind.
Oh, it is such a beautiful day, even with the gusty rustle of cooler air. Or perhaps, because of it.
This light. I wish you could see it.
I wish I could just once wake up and be glad of the light as it pours down the road which leads to everything.
I wish I had never been scared and could be the woman I would like to be, embracing that light and traveling the path it makes, shining on my hair, even as it turns gray, even as the wind whispers messages of the cold to come.