The black dog is hovering today, one paw over the threshold.
I should not take "Are You Depressed" quizzes in magazines.
It's just too...depressing.
God, it is gray out. And the wind whips up and rattles the leaves and then quiets down and it's still again.
I feel so useless. So behind in everything. I'm supposed to be reading an Edgar Allan Poe story at a thing at the Opera House in nine days and I've only read it out loud twice and both times I did an abysmal job of it. I want to back out. I want to say, "No. I can't do this."
Planning the trip to Cozumel has become more stressful than the idea of Christmas. It's going to cost so much that we could use that money for something real- like painting the house. And every fucking travel sight with their "lowest prices guaranteed" is a lie. And how do you pull the trigger? Sure, let's spend one gozillion dollars and just do it!
No.
I can't.
And how do we get this money for my mother's care from the insurance company? They have guidelines. Okay- here's one- she's not on any anti-dementia drugs and that's one of their criteria. Know why she's not on an anti-dementia drug? Because her doctor thinks they are not effective AND they have side-effects. I think he's probably right. So what do we do? Put her on a drug that is only going to cause problems? Maybe he could prescribe it and she won't really take it.
I don't know.
Also, she hasn't seen a neurologist. Okay, she HAS seen a neurologist but not for the dementia. For the dizziness and headaches. That somehow doesn't count.
Well.
It is hard to believe I am the same person today that I was last Friday when I felt so happy, so beautiful, so...okay.
When I said that I wondered which Mary I would be when I woke up, it was not a joke.
I never know. Ever.
It is gray like a stone table. It is getting cold. The black dog is making little sounds in the back of his growly throat. I don't want to quit writing because I will be alone with my thoughts, with that damn dog.
I keep getting anonymous comments on old posts about Ugg boots. Long ass comments. They are, of course Spam. Do Ugg boots really exude elegance?
This is a strange world.
And maybe, despite everything I feel, I fit right in.
UGG boots are ugly as sin but the most comfortable thing you'll ever put your feetsies in.
ReplyDeletexo
Hang on sweetie. You know this will pass because it always does. I just can't bring myself to try on a pair of those Ugg boots, but they do look comfortable.
ReplyDeleteI think you have to sit with the dog. Give it a pat and let it lay its head on your leg. In a little while you can brush yourself off and he'll be ready to leave you alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Stephanie's right, dear Mary.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid the holiday is only a good idea if someone else does all the organising. That stresses me the fuck out too.
Weigh the benefits. Is Christmas in Mexico worth putting off painting the house for a year? If it is, then.... just do it. We haven't painted our house since we moved in... nearly ten years ago...
I quit going on trips because they cost so much money and I figured I'd rather have all that money for things I like doing around home. Mexico is nice this time of year though.
ReplyDeleteI think Ugg boots are cute, but then I've always liked ugly shoes.
Yes, this is indeed a strange world. That's why I come here everyday for the bit of sanity that I can depend on.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter to me which Mary you wake up to be, I think they are all exquisitely beautiful and perfectly normal....well, our kind of normal :)
Life is messy though, isn't it?
The good news is - even black dogs have to lie down and take a nap sooner or later.
Go, go, the house will not fall down because you go.
ReplyDeleteHang out Friday maybe some?
Cozumel is real, real-er than any house paint. It waits for you.
ReplyDeleteHi Mary dear,
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know I love you and read you and keep you close. You brighten my days.
Take that dog for a walk maybe?
Hell I don't know, it's been knocking me over for weeks.
Love,
B
I'm not sure if this is going to make you feel any better or make any sense, but recently I have discovered that my default setting to everything (at least initially) is resistance.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure why that is... and I would like it to be different. I'm not sure if it will ever really be, if I'll ever embrace anything immediately, but knowing that I my brain does that has helped me to slow down my reactions some and to ask why? Then it's usually ok.
Not sure if or how this pertains to what you are feeling, but there may be a nugget in there somewhere. I hope so. If nothing else, some days are easy and others are just NOT. The sun will shine again eventually. (Marc is feeling the weather too)
xo pf
The soggy rain blues have hit you with a vengeance this morning Mary.
ReplyDeletePlanning a trip (I know how you feel)can be overwhelming. The costs are high yet I do believe that deals can be made.
And the work on the house? Yes, much could be done with travel expenses on a home or day to day stuff. The experience of travel stays forever! The pleasure once on the trip will have you wondering what took you so long to do it! The memory will be treasured by you and Mr. Moon. Let's face it, life is too short to just put off.
My going with my daughter was ME letting go. I have had so much on my soul and heart that I needed this trip. I needed to feel alive! I needed to be free! I knew Tim couldn't go but I could. This was a gift I gave myself. It was worth every penny and euro.
Now put some happy toe stepping music on and sashay all around your house. Crank it up!
Hope you find a good way to deal with your black dog. Whether that would be give him up for adoption or cuddle him in your arms. Black dogs are not fun when they pop up unannounced...
ReplyDeleteSpirit Air has very cheap flights from Ft. Lauderdale to Cancun...if that's any help at all.
ReplyDeleteplanning and packing are no fun, but you'll have a fabulous time with your man once you get to Cancun.
ReplyDeleteOh Ms. Moon...it was gray here yesterday...the color of hopelessness.
ReplyDeleteBut here's the sun. blue sky light breeze. you know that song too.
It is a strange world and I agree with Radish about the Ugg boots.
Madame Radish King- I have no doubt.
ReplyDeleteLois- With you all the way. I know.
Stephanie- Thank-you, love. Very wise. I know it.
Jo- Seven years....
Rubye Jack- I have always liked ugly shoes myself.
liv- Thanks. Just that...thanks.
DTG- You are so precious. I think I am making soap with Kathleen and Souix on Friday. Otherwise, I would LOVE to spend some time with you, my busy, busy boy.
Lisa- I think you are right.
B- I took it for a walk. Unfortunately, he did not get lost. But it was a nice walk.
I love you.
Ms. Fleur- I am the same way. I know it.
Well, resistance and guilt.
Ellen- Thank-you. Great words.
Photocat- And they always come unannounced. And unbidden.
Jeannie- Hell, getting to Ft. Lauderdale from here is not easy. Tallahassee has terrible connections and driving would take a day. And then you're in Cancun- not Cozumel. But thanks.
Angella- I know. We need to just DO IT.
Ms. Magpie Woman- The sun came out today, thank god. I am so grateful.
Ms. Moon, have you ever looked into light therapy? The lights are small now, about the size of a pocket book. I use one and it does make a difference. Many of them also have 90 day guarantees so you can try to see if light therapy works for you.
ReplyDeletexo
I hope that particular black dog goes away. It is cold and windy here tonight. But the house is warm. I have worked my ass off today and am dead tired right now.
ReplyDeleteSo strange that you mention the old black dog, and describe his mangy ass as such.
ReplyDeleteToday I was thinking about how my depression is NOT a black dog but a black cat. She's a hissing, spitting, scratching little bitch of thing who ruins all my pretty things. But I don't give her away because I like cats, in general. They're pretty and fascinating and independent.
But this one, though. She makes me want to sleep all day, just like she does.
Feel well soon, Ms. Mary Moon.
Birdie- Oh hon. We have almost too much light. It may be a changing-of-the-light issue but it's not that there's not enough.
ReplyDeleteSyd- I hope you got sweet rest.
silverfinofhope- Ah. We all have black beasts, whatever species they are.
Uggs exude anything BUT fucking elegance. Jesus.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he could prescribe it and she won't really take it.
YES. EXACTLY. Fuck the insurance company. They fuck all of us, all the damn time.