Saturday, October 22, 2011


The house is almost set, all of the ingredients are bought, I could go ahead and start cutting things up, start getting ready to get ready. The day is so bright, even now, in afternoon, and yet, and yet...

I have been reading about dads. Ms. Radish King misses her daddy and so does Angella and Mr. Shife, who, like me, never really had one to miss.

I guess what I am thinking about when I should really be thinking about cooking, is fathers and how they can be so wonderful that when they leave, the hole is impossible to fill and how, if you do not ever have one, the hole is impossible to fill and how that seems too hard and perhaps impossible but there you are; I think it is true.

I think I would be more whole, though, if I had had one. I think there is an empty spot inside of me that no matter what, will never, CAN never be filled because it is the place where a father's love should be.

I truly and fully and wholly believe this.

And I am grateful for all of the good fathers I know whose children will never know that emptiness.


  1. I feel that same hole, too, so I know what you mean. I have a wonderful father that tries sometimes too hard to parent me, even though I'm 30 years old. I realize more as I get older how lucky I am to have had a good father in my life, even though of course he isn't perfect -who is? Not me, that's for damn sure. (end rambling)

  2. You should have had my father Ms Moon... He would have been the perfect father for you as he was for me and my siblings. He has been gone for 9 years now and what I would not give to talk to him for 5 more minutes... Having the wrong father can never be corrected.

  3. Some days, not every day by any means, but some days I think I would have been better off not being born at all than to be born with a parent that didn't want me. I realize how dramatic that must sound. But it is true.

  4. Three father's in my life. Birth father too short in my life and I will never, ever really know him. Second stepdad...failure and forgotten (gratefully), third stepfather dear and greatly missed these past 12 years.

    My husband...the best father to our four children.

    And when you wrote your last sentence....

    "And I am grateful for all of the good fathers I know whose children will never know that emptiness."

    that...that was what I hope my children see in their father. For while one may share that thought sometimes it can not be fully realized till they are gone. Such is love that we think it is forever.

  5. I'm so sorry that your dad was absent, and for everyone who's dad is absent.

    My feeling is that there are not many good dads among the ones who are not absent, but it is a different kind of angst to be sure.

    The incredible thing is that although you had no reference, you chose really good daddies for your children. You done good there, and isn't it amazing. So many of us repeat what is familiar, but not necessarily healthy. That is a blessing.


  6. Well said Ms. Moon. I just will do my best to be the best dad I can to my little people, and I am sorry for that void in your life. It certainly is not fair and wish there was anything to help you fill that emptiness. After I wrote my blog today, I went for a walk with Tank and basically talked out loud to my biological father telling him that I will no longer allow him to hurt me because I need to be a good husband, good father, and just a decent human being and he can't bring me down anymore. And to suck it. I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. I don't know if it will help in the long run but it did make me feel a lot better. My best to you and yours, Ms. Moon, and I am forever grateful to share time and words with you on the blogosphere. Take care.

  7. I am so grateful I do not have that particular emptiness, and if I could, would make sure that you didn't, either. I was one of the lucky ones to have a fabulous dad.

    And so are your children. That is one thing you can feel happy about!

  8. Here's to all the good fathers including the wonderful father you gave your children! You broke the cycle with bop. Love to you, sweet Mary.

  9. I will tell you a secret. My biological father abandoned me when I was 5. After 5 years of terror he packed up one day and did not look back. My "step" dad raised me as his own flesh and blood. He even put that in his will. He considers me his flesh and blood. Yes, my biological father left a hole but it has been filled past over flowing and I know I am loved by my step dad so much it hurts. . We don't use the word step in our family except when necessary to make a description like I am doing now.
    Yesterday I went to see him, I call him Papa now because my kids do. Papa is 10 feet tall in my eyes and I can't tell you much I hurt for him right now. He loved my mom so much. So much bigger than I even knew. There were times in the last few weeks of my mom's life that I saw the most precious things said and done that I can't even talk about as they are truly holy. Oh, Ms. Moon, he looked old yesterday. Papa loves all of us so much and my biological father is a sad lonely man. I love him too but in a different way. After many years of much anger I now see him as a child that needs to be loved. There are not many people that love him but I do. I love him simply because he is a "baby soul" that needs his daughter's love.
    So. Can the hole be filled? Sometimes it won't be but it can be filled. Filled to overflowing. Sometimes it comes in different forms. In my case it was this crazy man that showing up one day in a three piece suit and spent some time with 2 abandoned kids outside riding a skateboard (me and my brother) before he even knocked on the door. His love filled my mom's broken heart from and abusive and angry man that hit, he filled my little girl heart so big that I can love my biological father. He filled my brother's heart so he now mentors young men who have also been hurt.
    Ms. Moon, I am sorry there is a space in your heart. You have so much love in your life and you are blessed. Every girl needs a daddy.

  10. SJ- You aren't rambling. You are making perfect sense.

    Photocat- I think you are right. I wish I'd known your father.

    Stephanie- I just damn well wish that every baby born had the love of at least two people from the very beginning. It would be a different world for sure.

    A- It must be a never-ending ache.

    Ellen- Yep. I may not have had a good father but my babies do. That is a comfort in my life.

    Ms. Fleur- I know- how did I get so smart? It boggles me.

    Mr. Shife- We all touch each other, don't we? Thank you for touching me yesterday with your words and allowing me to define my own thoughts from that inspiration. You ARE a good husband, daddy, human being. Believe it or don't believe it. It is true.

    Lulumarie- Oh, honey. You know I do.

    Angella- And my grandson has such a wonderful father. Jason is so loving and so tender and so...THERE! I am beyond grateful for that.

    Birdie- I think that step-parents who do a great job deserve far more recognition and appreciation than they get. I am SO glad that your "real" daddy (and a daddy is not always biological by any means) came into your life. I am thinking of him as well as you in your sadness now. And you are right- EVERY girl needs a daddy. And so does every boy.

    Lora- Those words are in my heart now. Thank-you.

  11. Thanks Ms. Moon. I do believe it but as you know sometimes it is hard thinking you are worthy, but I am going to try hard each and every day to be the best I can.

  12. Mr. Shife- I DO know. And it's okay.

  13. The hole is there even with some fathers. I love and miss mine, even though he had his shortcomings. But he was my blood and I have his genes in me. I see it more and more every day--my frankness, my love of animals, my love of the water--so many things show that I am his son.
    I wish that you had known a loving father. It is the great mystery in life how we are born to imperfect people and yet we somehow come out to be decent people ourselves.

  14. Good fathers are worth EVERYTHING. I was lucky. Your kids are lucky. I wish you had been lucky too.

  15. I wrote a comment here and lost it this weekend. I needed this post.
    Thank you.
    Been doing a lot of father work somehow in the background I think and that's why I'm feeling so damn anxious and crazy lately.

    When I see children with decent fathers I feel so happy for them, so relieved and grateful.

    My father lost his mother when he was 11 and I think it fucked him up for eternity. And of course he passed it right on to me.


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