Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tomato Pie, A Lizard, Owen Saves The Day and yes, More Whining!

Well, last night's Tomato Pie was certainly tasty but it was a bit off in the consistency due to the fact that I just could NOT bring myself to use full-fat mayonnaise and cheese. Look- I've got a weight problem and it is not under control and I shouldn't be eating damn pie crust to begin with, much less mayonnaise and cheese mixed together. I mean, just go ahead and schedule the damn bypass, okay?
So here's what I did and it really was delicious. I mean REALLY delicious:

I prebaked one of those premade pie shells. Not the kind that comes in the aluminum tin. I hate those. No, this is the "good" kind. The kind you have to thaw and unfold. I suck at pie crust. Suck, suck, suck at it. It is a deep sadness to have to admit this, but it's the truth. I do not have the touch for it.
So anyway, I prebaked that sucker for awhile. Don't ask me how long. 350 degrees. Until it was browning but NOT brown. Got that?
I sliced about six tomatoes and halved a bunch of cherry tomatoes and put them in a colander and salted them so they would drain. I drained them over a bowl so I could use the resulting juice in the collards and that's not really part of the recipe but hell- why let perfectly delicious tomato juice go to waste?
So let those tomatoes drain for at least ten minutes. Press on them a little to get more juice out.
Then I sliced half a big Vidalia onion. Fairly thinly. Then I chopped up a bunch of fresh basil and oregano from the garden. I layered those things in the pie crust. Tomatoes, the herbs, the onions, more tomatoes, more herbs.
Then I mixed about half a cup of lower fat mayonnaise and about half a cup of Tzatziki sauce which probably had more fat and calories than the mayonnaise but I love that stuff. So that's got some dill and garlic in it. I added about a cup of 2% shredded Italian cheese and mixed that whole thing up with a little bit of salt, pepper, Tabasco and some garlic powder. If I'm going to trash cook, I'm going to TRASH COOK!
I spread that glop all over the tomatoes and then cooked it at 350 for about oh, half an hour. If you use all mayonnaise it's going to brown better than if you mix yogurt into it.

And it was delicious. There are a million recipes for this online. Paula Deen has one. Just google it. Of course, Paula Deen will put a hamburger and bacon in a Krispy Kreme doughnut and eat that so...

Mr. Moon took some of the leftover pie for his lunch and it smelled so good heating up that he had to call me to get the recipe for a woman who wanted to make it after just smelling it.

I ended up with Owen this afternoon for a few hours instead of cleaning at Mother's. The bad news is that Jason had hurt his back and had to go to the doctor but the good news, of course, is that I did not go to Mother's house.

Poor Jason. It was one of those spasm things and they gave him a shot and some muscle relaxers and told him not to lift anything heavier than ten pounds for a week. He called his boss and told him about that and the boss said, "What does THAT mean?" as if the instructions were all metaphorical or esoteric or something. Jason works cutting meat so someone else is going to have to lift those boxes so that he can cut the meat is what it means. And Owen is going to have to get in and out of his car seat by himself and luckily, he can do that. He can also climb up on his changing table like a monkey. He did that for me today when I changed a poopy diaper. I got him all cleaned up and he grabbed the clean diaper and said, "Nake." Well, there were no snakes around so I finally figured out the child wanted to go naked. Fine with me. He did pee on the floor but who cares?
He cheered me up considerably. He brushed my hair again and gave me hugs and kisses as he did so. He also put the brush down and put his fingers in my hair and did some wild hair-arranging and said something that sounded a bit like, "Oobly doobly do!" He did that several times and also did it to his lion's mane while saying the same magical incantation. I think he may be creating hairdos.
I wonder if he will grow up to be Mr. Owen, the famous hair-stylist. I don't know but I am enjoying this phase of personal attention a great deal.

So that's about it. It's hotter than hell and the chance of precipitation is 10% which is about nothing in real life. The odds tomorrow and this weekend are better. We can only hope.

And to give you far more information than you need to know, my mother was pronounced "very healthy" by her doctor and he encouraged her to take Tai Chi and water aerobics. She told everyone in the office that she loves her new home and that she is very happy there. Last week she told everyone there that she was being sent to prison so they were glad to see that she had settled down about it all and was far more content. As we waited together for them to call her back she said in a normal-volume tone of voice that she sure does like this new receptionist a lot better than that other old "hag" they used to have. I have to admit, this did crack me up.

I sat out in the waiting room while she was getting her exam and was given the opportunity to listen in on a man's many phone conversations concerning his business projects. It was annoying as shit but he was there with his wife whose complaint was that her sinuses were bad and that the drainage had begun to settle in her chest and make her cough although I did not hear her cough once. She was bad off, that woman, cough or not and I felt sorry for the man because I know he didn't really want to be at the doctor's and he had meetings scheduled for all afternoon (believe me- I know- I heard all about it) and so he had to make arrangements on his phone and he couldn't leave his wife. So. He was trying to do his job and be a good husband at the same time and so how could I fault him?

Life is hard but sometimes we have partners who will stick around and be with us to take us to the doctor or sometimes even daughters who will do that. I am most grateful that I have a partner who would take me to the doctor if I needed to be taken and probably daughters, too. Most likely even a son. I am even more grateful that at this point I don't need anyone to take me to the doctor.

I am perhaps even MORE grateful that my mother does not need help yet getting a urine sample. Okay? Let's be honest. I AM GRATEFUL AS SHIT!

All right. I'm done.
Here's a lizard:

You know I love my lizards.

I love you too.
Ms. Moon


  1. This one cracked me up several times... I had to teach Vergil who Paula Deen was because he wanted to know why I was laughing so much. There were other things too.

    Love you Mama.

  2. Grateful as shit for you, Ms. Moon. You make my day.

  3. I hear Paula Deen is not unlike our own Tay in real life and has a filthy, filthy mouth when the cameras aren't rolling.

  4. Good golly, that sounds delicious!

    I like lizards too (but not in pies--I just want to make that clear).

  5. Ha, I love the hair style spell! Perfect.

    It would have been really funny if it had actually been the same receptionist :)

    I buy frozen pastry too. I can't imagine how you could make it in the heat you're having now anyway :)
    Bethany posted a tomato pie recipe (and yours looks just like the picture!) but I'm glad to have your explanation. 'Italian cheese' - is that like cheap mozzerella? I love that the smell made someone ask for the recipe, nice:)

  6. Oh bog I can't imagine anything better than that pie which I have never heard of but you can bet yr buttons I'm going to try it. Seriously. If I have to go 364 days without sugar to have a taste of it I would.

    All right. I'm done.
    Here's a lizard.

    That just cracked me up. Right here alone in my stupid chair with a cat sitting on my hands as I type.


  7. Now, I don't even like tomatoes, but I think your pie could convert me.

    I'm glad your mom's happy, Owen cheered you up and you shared a lizard. And the Paula Dean thing cracked me up. I read an interview with her, and she has a passle of little dogs that shit everywhere and she does not even care. She told the reporter to watch his step. That cracked me up too.

    Thanks for the happy update. Love you too.

  8. HoneyLuna- Well, thank goodness Vergil has you to educate him. You pass those exams and then come visit and I'll make you a tomato pie. I love you, baby.

    Palagigirl- And that made MY day. Thank-you.

    DTG- Which is why we don't hate her. And of course, our Billy adores her. So we must too. No matter what sort of trash she cooks. Which Tay would never do.

    Michael- Your blog intrigues me. Let us know how your venture works out. Thanks for coming by. Please come by often. I would never cook a lizard into a pie. Unless I was starving.

    Jo- Oh, Owen makes me so happy with his hairdos and magic spells. The cheese was a blend of four low-fat cheeses. The brand name is Sargentino. It's not so bad.

    Madame Radish King- I think you would love this pie. And I have SO many lizards. I'm lucky that way.

  9. i will be making this when we get tomatoes in...and the idea that paula deen swears like a trucker off camera is AWESOME!


  10. I do not envy your bugs but that lizard rocks.

    As for the urine sample, you will never have to help her. There is something called a hat that goes in the toilet to collect urine. Voila! No need to stick your hand where the son don't shine.

    I have never made decent pastry either. I was told you need cool hands to make good pastry.

  11. Ha! I was thinking what Jo was about the receptionist. I thought for certain you were going to say it was the same one!

    "I'm done. Here's a lizard." I love this. FUNNY!

    Those tomatoes are so damn good, I ate half of one like an apple. Thanks again.

  12. What a day! No rain here either and still hotter than Hades.

  13. I love me some lizards too. When I was training to be a midwife, I went to the Caribbean (too bad!) for 2 months to catch babies. They had lizards climbing up the delivery room walls.

    tomato pie-never heard of it but gonna try it.

  14. Mrs. A- And I have to wonder if anyone who makes a bacon cheeseburger on a Krispie Kreme doughnut might not smoke a bit of pot.

    Birdie- I know.

    Ms. Fleur- No. Thank god. It is a newer one.

    Syd- We're supposed to get rain here today. I am hoping with all my heart.

    Beth- You didn't go to Tina's midwifery school did you?

  15. Haha, that was a fun post. The pie looks good, I've never heard of it but may have to try it.

  16. Mz Moon, that pie does look delicious. And my grannie taught me to make pie crust when I was 12, and she gave me the old crone most important protected secrets about it: ice water and corn starch. So, there ya go. I share this with you, although you will probably never bother to make it, because ...WHY WOULD ANYONE!!! LOL

    Here's the other bad news (?)--I just heard yesterday that they are now saying [officially] that the fats do not make you fat and that leaving them out of your diet can actually cause you to gain weight.


    love and big sloppy smoochies, annie

  17. And I love you.

    Paula Dean is on TV over here and I'm always amazed that she's even allowed to cook her stuff on TV. I feel my arteries constrict just watching her.

  18. This writing is gold. Gold.

    And my word verification is "brite" (which is the sort of spelling can drive folks up the wall but the sentiment is there and makes me smile)

  19. Can I please have trashy tomato pie when I come visit???? It sounds really great to me.

    Thank you for the lizard photo. I dig lizards. I'm not afraid of them like I am snakes. I figure, if it doesn't have feet and crawls on it's belly, it ain't normal. Also, if it has eight legs--that ain't normal either. A bitch don't like spiders and snakes.

  20. Lora- It's damn good.

    Akannie- I agree. But there are fats and then there are fats. And also- there are sensible amounts and then there is TOO DAMN MUCH!

    Mwa- I know. They should always warn people "Do not try this at home."

    x-ray Iris- It was a fun one to write. Not all of them are.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- But that ain't what it takes to love you....
    Of course I'll make you tomato pie. Whatever you want!

  21. You crack me up and so did your mother's comment.

    I'm glad I can get myself to the doctors too but The Actor would take me if I needed him to. That's a good sign.

    I love you xx


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