Monday, June 27, 2011

Letting Go By Running Hard

Monday morning and I have darts of anxiety striking me like tiny acupuncture needles sent directly to the points most likely to release the vein-rivers of worry directly into my bloodstream, fuck. I hate that.

Well, what are you going do?

It suddenly strikes (haha!) me that perhaps I am a person so afraid of change and what-might-come that even getting up on a new day is enough to make me slightly crazed, has more to do with my morning despair than anything. How sad and ridiculous is that?

I took a good hard walk, striking (I love that word today, obviously) the ground with my feet, hard, the way I do, the sand on the woods-trail more packed today, more dense, from last night's rain. The little drainage pond I pass is almost dry, Lloyd Creek is barely a trickle and I remember a few years ago when we got that huge storm and the railroad tracks were covered by it and no trains could run.

Everything does change, every day, every second, month, year. I think of all the things we've done, experienced, felt, seen since we moved here seven years ago.
Seven years!

So lah. I need to take a shower, cool down, make Mr. Moon's snack bag as he is going to auction tonight, get to town, do a little birthday shopping for him- his birthday is Wednesday- go be with Owen for a few hours, come home, go to Monticello.
There. The day laid out before me, a blue-print, an outline, a plan.

I think it is best, some days, to just plow forward, step, step, step, keep moving, keep going, not taking too much time to stop and smell the roses because on those certain days, if you do, odds are good that a bee will merely climb up your nose. I spend plenty of time smelling the roses, the four-o-clocks, the phlox, the magnolias and mulling about the meaning of everything.

Today I am going to try to just walk strongly through the miles I need to go before I sleep, thank-you, Robert Frost, and let the world take care of itself and I will know that despite my inattention, all will be as it should, or at the very least, as it will.


  1. I love the new look of Bless Our Hearts. And I do believe I'll follow your example today and just put one foot in front of the other -- see what happens.

  2. I'm liking this header so much more than the last one.

  3. That's it foot in front of the other and things will get better. (or worse, or maybe just stay the same.)

    Fear is the Demon, the Enemy, the Killer. Change is fearsome because we haven't had a chance to build our fetishes and protections against the new thing yet. But we can and we will and we do and then we need not be afraid. Do we ever learn there is nothing to be afraid of? I dunno.....I haven't quite made it there yet.

    Oh, dear.....I fear I am rambling like the madwoman I often am and making no sense just know I love you......that'll have to do for now.

  4. I like the saying in recovery that when I get busy, I get better. Being alone with the thoughts in my head isn't a good thing some days. But I do think that things will go as they are supposed to one way or the other.

  5. Love the new look, love the photo and I couldn't agree more with the one step at a time, just keep swimming philosophy. Some days I wish there were an off switch for the anxious thoughts, I'd love to spend a carefree day, wouldn't you?
    Well, we can dream. Hugs.

  6. I so, so get this. Some days focusing on the tasks at hand and not the meaning of it all is the only way to go.

  7. Elizabeth- The giant Cuban Tree Frog worked wonders for me when it came to every-day anxiety. I do not, however, suggest this remedy to you.

    Lucy- Noted.

    Lo- When my friend Sue died in my arms, the message I got was "Do not be afraid." I wish it had stayed with me for longer, that message. I know that it's true- we should NOT be afraid. But damn. Chemicals? I'm trying, dear love. And thank you.

    Syd- One way or another...
    And we may not like it.

    Mel- Oh god. Yes. I would love that. A dream, a dream, a very good dream.

    Lora- Very, very true.

  8. Ms Moon, you are a wise woman. One foot in front of the other is the only way to get through such days. Remind me often, please.

  9. I think of that line from Frost often, too, especially in the morning. Miles to go before I sleep. Amen to that shit.

  10. Yes to you, and yes to Robert Frost. I bet your miles were walked along the road least traveled by as well.

  11. I have the capacity not to worry, but like you I just see how it all goes. I love you Mary xx


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