Perhaps I Should Start Microdosing

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. It was cold and wet outside and felt dreary even inside. The prospect of crawling out from underneath the covers and going into my cold bathroom was not in the least tempting. My bathroom is always cold because it's eight miles away from the heat pump and also has five windows in it, one about six feet long and about five feet tall. Or something like that. I do have a little space heater that I plug in when it's really cold but it takes awhile to move the thermometer up even a degree or so. 
But I knew that eventually I had to get up and so I finally did after imitating sleep for a half an hour. Another reason I didn't want to get up was that Mr. Moon was going to the funeral of the mother of a friend of his in Apalachicola. The funeral was set for 11:00 and so I knew he'd have to leave by nine to be sure and make it. And I knew I should go with him. The man's wife died last year and I did go to that funeral and his father died too, a few months ago. Glen didn't go to that one because he basically forgot it was happening. And so now the guy's mother has died and that's a lot of death and Glen is a very emotionally supportive friend and he definitely was going to make it to this one. 
But I didn't want to go. I didn't want to get dressed up. I didn't want to go out in the cold. I didn't want to rush to get ready. I did not want to go to a church and listen to all the churchy stuff. 

And so I told Glen that I wasn't going and he said, "I had a feeling that would be the case," and honestly, I didn't feel very guilty about it. It was, however, one more example of the deep inertia that I've been falling into. And I know that. 

And then something completely unordinary happened and while I was out on the porch, I heard what sounded like possibly very, very small hail although I could neither see nor feel anything. Still, once you've heard the sound of ice fall from the sky you know the sound and that's what it sounded like. It quit after about two minutes and I checked my weather widget to see this.

Flurries? Are you fucking kidding me? Flurries of what? Not snow. Snow doesn't make a noise like that. And then I saw the snowflake symbol there and I was totally confused. I think it was sleet. Sleet flurries? Forgive my ignorance. I live in Florida. 

It happened again for a few minutes and again, it was rather odd. 
And I see it's going to freeze again tonight. I'm not complaining. I think about what's going on in California and I can't hold an image in my mind about how bad that is and what it looks like, smells like, feels like. I told a friend who lives there today that it must be something like when we are in the middle of a hurricane here and destruction is going on all around and the threat of a tree falling or a roof blowing off is as real as it can be and it's so scary and there's nothing you can do about it except wait it out unless you're evacuating and how weird it is that the rest of the world is going on as usual, not even thinking about, or even knowing what's going on here. 

 I don't think humans are wired to handle these things very well- the tragedies of others far away. It's only been very recently that we can receive reports about hurricanes and earthquakes and fires and floods and tsunamis and yes, wars, and about five minutes since we've been able to view videos of these things happening in real time. 
And what do we do with our despair for the victims, for those that are going through these things right there and then? Donate money. I guess for most of us, that's all we can do. That thoughts and prayers crap hasn't been working for awhile. 

Of course we can vote for the people who believe in climate change and who want to do something about it rather than the people who, despite all evidence, still believe that fossil fuels are the one and only way to keep the economy going. That's not working out too well either at the moment. 

Well. This is depressing. 

I stayed in all day long doing what I do best these days- nothing. I worked on the same jigsaw puzzle I've been working on for at least six months. I am determined to finally finish it. That's an inspiring goal, isn't it? I have got to start forcing myself to get out more, be more active, be more interactive. I do enjoy going to pottery so much. But if it wasn't for Jessie who goes too, I wouldn't. I know that. I can't even seem to make myself watch videos on how to do different things with the clay. And of course all of this ends up with me being more and more disgusted with myself which leads to more depression which leads to more inertia and so on and so on and so on. 

I am sure that some of you know what I mean. 

And please don't advise me to do this or do that or...whatever. I'm seventy years old. I know what I SHOULD do. 

I finished "On All Fours." The ending was...okay. Honestly, like I said yesterday, that one passage was so profound and so primally relatable that I don't feel as if I wasted a second reading it. I was a little shocked at the reaction I got here about how many of you responded to what I'd written about it by saying there's no way you'd read it. Was it because I said that it has a lot of sex in it? Some of you cited that. This intrigues me. I mean, sex is pretty important to humans. And other animals. It's not quite up there with air or food or water but it's up there. And of course, most of us we are sexual beings especially in our reproductive years but it doesn't end there for many people. Sex can be release and it can be intimacy and it can be bonding and it can be fun. Why are we so afraid to acknowledge that? I mean, I imagine that the vast number of sexual encounters between people do not have reproduction as the main focus. 
And I hasten to add that of course sex can be incredibly problematic in so many ways- ask any survivor of sexual abuse. And yet, it can be incredibly sweet and important, with love and with trust. 

Oh, la-di-dah. Each to his or her or their own. Whether or not anyone wants to have sex or doesn't want to have sex or wants to read about sex or doesn't want to read about sex is none of my damn business but the fact remains- it is a part of being human in its many varieties, colors, flavors, and proclivities. As long as everyone involved is an adult and consenting and not harming anyone, it's all fine with me. 
I will say that I do not understand some proclivities but I do understand that others may. 

That's what the sky looked like right before the sun began to get low in the sky. The gray got chased away, the golden light beamed onto the Spanish moss and bare pecan limbs. 

Thank all of you who complimented my loaf of bread yesterday. It was a good loaf of bread and we are still enjoying it. Tonight we are having salmon filets with spinach and edemame beans. At least I still have an interest in cooking. And definitely eating. That'll be the last to go. 

Love...Ms. Moon