Sunday, August 13, 2023

Whatever Gets You Through The Night


I will be honest with you. I have not been very faithful about bringing Dorothy Anne and Emily and Rosa out from where they sleep under my vanity on a comfortable feather-pillow bed lately. But some days, I feel the need to have them where I can see them more easily, where I feel as if they know they are loved, where they can get some light and have a different view of the world. I always arrange them so that they are cuddled together for safety and security. 

Of course, it is my safety and security that I am seeking. What is it about these formerly forlorn baby dolls that help me when I am troubled or sad? It is no doubt me projecting my feelings of being forlorn into them and having them as my proxy, I can love on them and kiss them and thus, be kind to myself. Love that little child in me. As I always say, we are all of the ages we have within us. We are those feisty forty forty-year olds, and those scared kindergarteners. We are those children of the magical years when imagination and curiosity and the unfolding of knowledge begins. We are those horny teenagers. We are those new mothers. We are those babies and little children who perhaps did not get the safety and security that all children so desperately need and deserve. And along with all of these ages and stages, we keep within us all of the emotions and muscle memories and dreams and hopes and disappointments and sorrows and joys and victories and losses and accomplishments and confusions linked to them. 

And so I bring out my broken but beautiful baby dolls and tell them they are loved, and that they are valuable to me and somehow, that helps. 

Not sure what I'm going on about. It's been a Sunday. Just...a Sunday. A day that will not go down in history. A day where I did very little. Tried to stay cool. Made us our Sunday morning breakfast. Did the crossword. Watered the porch plants and some yard plants. Played around with the jigsaw puzzle I'm working on. Struggled a bit with the new library app on my phone. I had downloaded Barbara Kingsolver's newest book- "Demon Copperhead" on it and the app didn't seem to want to sync with my AirPods very well but things seem to be smoother now. I am truly enjoying the book. Kingsolver is one of those authors whom you can usually put your trust in. You begin the book and within a page, you know she is not going to steer you wrong. She will take care of her story, her characters, and thus, you. And yes, I can see the inspiration of Dickens' "David Copperfield" in it, as one would expect to find. One of my favorite books, by the way. I have read no reviews of "Demon" and will probably wait until I've finished it to do so. Sometimes reviews are helpful before you read the book but sometimes, you just don't want to be told what to think before you start reading. 

I read a tiny bit of a review of Ann Patchett's newest novel- "Tom Lake" and thus I already know that she is channeling Chekov in it. I love Patchett's books too and look forward very much to reading her latest. Funny that two of my favorite authors have come out with new books inspired by classics. Or at least, flavored by them. 

Good books are another antidote for sad times, for self-reflective times, for feeling-lost times. They are at once a distraction and a reminder that humans often feel deeply and that our relationships and our psyches are complex. The very worst times I've experienced in my life involving anxiety and depression have been times when reading became almost impossible. My mind could not take in another source of possible disturbance. And even then, I could resort to going back to old favorites that I've read so many times as to make them more of a security blanket than anything else. My McMurtry books, Keith Richards' memoir, mainly. 

What works is what works and eventually, I was able to slide into different stories and that is when I would realize that healing was taking place. 

I'm nowhere near that now, so I reckon I'm pretty okay. 

Tonight's supper is going to be a leftover buffet. There is spaghetti and there are soybeans and there is last night's fish and salsa. I may make tacos out of that as I have tortillas. A strange combination of foods indeed and I recall a friend of mine who would often say when presented with one of my meals- "I do not believe I've ever eaten this combination of foods before."

Live dangerously. Live adventuresomely. Live on the edge. Eat spaghetti with fish tacos and damn the torpedos! 

I have no idea what that means. 


Love...Ms. Moon

32 comments:

  1. Reading old favorites is always a comfort.
    A neighborhood tradition called leftovers, encore night.

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    1. Yes. Reading old favorites is like visiting with family, isn't it?
      Leftovers rock.

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  2. sorry you are still having *a day*......sometimes.... one just can't shake it off no matter how hard one tries. I love that your dolls bring you comfort, as they should..... hubby and I are having same kind of day as yours....at least we are both on the same schedule (this time LOL). No motivation....not feeling great (too long to mention)....and just no joy in the day for either of us. I'm making baked potatoes for dinner and salad, because that's all I can eat..... hubby too....... but I love the *leftover* mishmash dinners...we have them often. Oh, and Barbara Kingsolver....I guess I have not kept up w/ her of late. I love her! So......hard cover library book in our *system* has 184 people on the waiting list......YIKES! Audiobook on CD (I listen to them in my car)......only 18 people on waiting list.....so guess I'm in the queue now! May tomorrow be a bit (a lot) brighter for us all!
    Susan M

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    1. PS. May those beautiful zinnias be almost as comforting as the dolls!
      Susan M

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    2. Susan, check with your library about the possibility of finding apps that you can download to your phone to get audio books. Our library has both Libby and Hoopla apps. They are wonderful!
      I"m sorry you and your husband aren't feeling well. I hope that today has been better for you.

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  3. You and I seem to be in a similar head space at the moment. I wonder why? It's definitely not seasonal!
    Leftovers make for some really interesting meals - some of which become permanent rotations. Not sure about spaghetti and fish tacos, though.

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    1. I have no idea why we'd both be experiencing this sort of thing at the same time but it just happens sometimes, I think. Who knows? I hope you're feeling better.
      And BTW- the spaghetti and fish tacos were delicious!

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  4. how did I miss your post from yesterday???My mind is in a flurry- I can not seem to settle down but can not seem to do anything either. Just buzzing fluff. I LOVE your dear dollies and the mouse on a trike. I nearly bought one in London last time but $$$$ and like you said, i don't need another darling thing. I have finally figured out how to read now that my eyes are so compromised- I got new glasses for far and wear two magnifiers for near. I am a face full of glasses. Something about the sun at this time I think, Anxiety producing- and I am testy beyond reason. I blame everything but myself...

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    1. Well, I pretty much blame myself for EVERYTHING so we balance each other out nicely. I bet you're so ready to get on your trip that everything else feels ridiculous. Your head is already in London. And your heart.
      That store also had little tents and sleeping bags for the small creatures. Dang but they charm me.

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  5. What a great thought, about how we are all the children we've been. I know how easily my excluded unwanted youngest comes to the forefront, all too easily. Doesn't take much when the scars are never completely healed. My comfort reading helps a lot.

    I must look for that patchett, thank you. I can't read Kingsolver, almost a physical reaction to her prose, no knowing why. I just feel alienated by her writing. That might mean it's successful, because it got a response, come to think of it.

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    1. And some scars never do completely heal nor will they. We learn to live with them as they are, one way or another. Funny how much emotional wounds are like physical ones, isn't it?
      I'm so sorry you can't read Kingsolver! She has written some of my favorite books. I am loving this one so much. As I read on, I find more and more David Copperfield references. I think after I finish reading this one, I will go back and read that again although I think I've read that particular Dickens' novel at least three times.

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  6. We watched Guardians of the Galaxy 3 tonight, I wanted something light and amusing. Instead I ugly cried and it broke my heart. I also rediscovered a singer that I forgot about, Florence and The Machine. You might like her. Sendings hugs and love.

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    1. Thank you, Pixie. Sending hugs and love back to you. I know this is a very hard time in your house.

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  7. When I was making my living as a bookseller, there was a period when the paper wrapping at the checkout was bearing the message 'A book us a gift you can open up again and again". This was also the time my young child began to figure out words and she would inevitably ask, what does that say. She immediately understood, just nodded her head seriously and said, like the biggest birthday all the time.

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    1. Your daughter was so wise. A very good book is very worth reading as many times as we want.

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  8. I love Dorothy Anne's socks. The zinnias are just so beautiful.

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    1. Linda Sue sent those socks for Dorothy Anne. Of course.
      The zinnias gladden my heart.

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  9. Reading is a tremendous gift to those of us who enjoy it isn't it. Oddly, my brother - who was a more prolific reader than me - totally lost the ability to read when his wife died very suddenly. It took him a few years for it to come back but as he said, he couldn't concentrate to read any more!

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    1. I, too, have experienced how grief can affect our reading habits. I've never been unable to read entirely but I've certainly experienced times when, like I said, I could not take on anything new. But I have known people who did have periods of being unable to read due to grief. Which of course, is another sort of grief.

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  10. I loved Demon Coperhead, she did it again. Right now I'm reading Margaret Atwood's Cat's Eye, it's old but good. What would we do without reading!

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    1. Peter- she did, didn't she? The more I read of it, the more I'm loving it. I am sure that I must have read Atwood's Cat's Eye but darn if I can remember anything about it!
      I have no idea what I would do without reading and now being able to download audible books on my phone I feel that my life has been enriched by literature in a new and wonderful way. I still read with my eyes but I also love reading with my ears as I go about my day. In a way, it's like a fulfillment of my childhood dream of being able to read ALL THE TIME!

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  11. You seemed more reflective than usual in this blogpost and dreamy too. I understand what you say when you suggest that the process of reading can only be properly relished when the reader is in a fairly happy place and not burdened by the black dog of depression.

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    1. Depression (and anxiety) can both fill our minds with such darkness and fear that there doesn't seem to be enough room in there for anything new. At least that's how it works for me.
      I have been in a very reflective mood lately. I am feeling more present today though.

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  12. Reading is so comforting to me. It amuses me, entertains me, relaxes me, distracts me. It has helped me through so many unsettling moments.

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  13. well, yes, we are every age and person and mood we have ever been.

    my zinnias are getting sadder by the day. I am so weary of this horrible long hot summer. doesn't bode well for the future. I confidently checked out two books from the library as I usually do and if I get one read in the two weeks I'm doing good. I did, at least this time, select two books that weren't all that long. I just consider my fines to be support for the library.

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    1. Our libraries don't charge fines anymore! And they just automatically renew! It is such a relief, even though yes, the fines were always tiny and I never felt bad about paying them.
      I know you are sick of this summer. I am too but yours has been worse than mine.

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  14. I read both the Patchett and the Kingsolver and enjoyed them both. Demon Copperhead though is absolutely incredible and so affecting. It’s no wonder it’s won the Pulitzer. I’m reading The Covenant of Water now and it’s right up there with the best. Another great story. I am so sad if I don’t have a good book to read. It’s escapism at its best.

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    1. I don't think I even knew that it did win the Pulitzer! But yes, well deserved. I am loving it so much.
      I also thought that the "Covenant of Water" was amazing.
      I don't know about you but I seem to find really good books in streaks and then go through periods of time where nothing I read pleases me much.

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    2. I agree, Mary. Sometimes it’s so hard to find a really good book. And then I read three in a row!

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  15. The beautifully imperfect Baby Dolls and the perfectly beautiful floral display made me smile. We are indeed all of what we have experienced.

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  16. I love the idea that we are all of the ages we've ever been. I've had "Demon Copperhead" on hold in our library for months but the person who has it isn't returning it and I'm getting annoyed. :/

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.