Friday, August 4, 2023

Ready For My Close-Up!

Hoo-boy. Do I have a story to tell today. I should probably be embarrassed to tell this story but I am not. I think it's hysterical. The incident I am going to discuss happened on my walk today. Yes! I took another walk! Hoo-ray for me! 

Yeah, whatever.

So I wanted to do another shortish walk but perhaps a little longer than the last one. So I walked about half a mile down the sidewalk and came back and then headed "into Lloyd" which basically means I walked up Highway 59 again, past the GDDG and around the corner to Main Street, past the fally down house, etc. About two miles in I had to pee. Pretty badly. Okay, desperately. And at that point I was in "downtown Lloyd" meaning I was walking on a road with houses on it. Now because I know myself and know that I cannot walk for more than a few miles without peeing, I've got my secret places on every route I take where I can duck into the woods and pee in private. I have been doing this for decades. Not kidding. And indeed, I have a pee place in Lloyd right next to the big old Baptist church. There's a tiny trail that I never knew existed until I was looking for a place to pee once and like a heavenly revelation, I spotted the place you see above. It's just a little old trail, overgrown, off of a side road to the church. I can go down that trail and then around a slight bend, and not be seen from anywhere, especially in the summer when all of the bushes are full and the grass is high. As you can see. 
So I was hoofing it down the trail to the bend in it, got there just in time, pulled down my britches, squatted and peed and as I was putting myself back together I looked directly in front of me and saw this. 

I mean- directly in front of me. And for those of you who do not know, that is a trail cam, a camera that hunters generally place in the areas they are interested in hunting to get an idea of the game traffic. Or, someone could put one up in order to identify trespassers. Or...I do not know what. I cannot imagine why anyone would put a trail cam a foot off the ground unless they were looking for gators or raccoons or snakes or possums. 

For about a second, I was horrified, but I got over that real fast. And then I just laughed and took a picture of it. I had about zero fucks to give when it came to someone retrieving the card from their camera to find an old sweaty woman peeing in the woods. 
All these years of me peeing outside and I was never once caught unawares, as far as I know. I knew it had to happen eventually but I never thought I'd get caught on camera. What are the odds of me accidentally squatting right there? And it's definitely got a card in it, according to Mr. Moon, my resident trail cam authority. 
All I could think of was, "Don't look if you don't wanna see."

And that sums up how I feel about the situation. 

I texted the kids when I got home because this was too rich not to share. They laughed too. When Mr. Moon got home from the gym I showed him the pictures and told him the story and I think he was more upset about it than I was. 
"I'll go get that card and leave the guy a note," he said. 
"Why? I don't care." 
"Well, whoever it belongs to is going to see you around here and recognize you."
"So what? And it's probably one of those Baptists and I'll never see them anyway." 
And then he offered to go and pee in front of the camera himself which I thought was a very loving and generous thing to offer. 

So that was my big adventure for the day. I'll probably be laughing about this for months. Or years. And now I guess that when I'm hiking off into the woods I need to watch not only for snakes and gators but also trail cams. 

I bet you anything that whoever sees that video is going to think that without a doubt I chose that spot on purpose. 
I guess I truly have lost all of my dignity at this point. One less thing to worry about. One less useless thing to burden myself with. 

The rest of the day has just been a hot, muggy mess. I did hang laundry and did not get yellow-fly bit. I also started something when I dusted the table in the Glen Den that the TV is on and then moved on to another table in the hallway and then to the piano and next thing I know I'm rearranging pictures and shit and suddenly, all of the dust might as well be lit by neon spotlights. I had one of those dreams last night wherein I was in a house that someone had given me and it was filled, packed, with old and possibly valuable stuff and also bedding plants that needing tending and this dream does not require a psychiatrist to interpret, does it? The only thing missing was a child I needed to take care of but in a new twist, an old friend of mine did get his thumb bitten off by a dog. Not sure where that came from. 

I made myself stop at the piano but I am going to get to the old vanity in the hallway that is sort of an altar and I am going to take care of business there. I MEAN IT! And then I'll move on to the sideboard in the dining room that is completely cluttered with sewing stuff and craft stuff and board games and pictures and clear that off and throw away some stuff and clean the sideboard and before you know it, things will be under control here. 
No they won't. 
Here's a picture of an old chest that my ex's cousin's then-wife left in my care about forty-five years ago and never came back to retrieve that's in the hallway. The veneer is peeling off and it is not an attractive piece of furniture. Mr. Moon told me the other day that we need to get rid of it but I told him that it wasn't mine and also that it has stuff in it that I don't know where else I'd store. He sighed.

So I threw a lovely piece of bark cloth that Linda Sue sent me over it and put three monstero leaves in a pitcher on top of that. That looks lovely, right? 

Mr. Moon is not here at the moment because he had to go to town to deal with some difficult issues involving an encampment that has been built and is being built behind some commercial property we own. For years we've had a decent relationship with the folks who stay there and let them use the water from a hose connected to a spigot on one of the buildings but things have gotten out of hand and tenants are complaining and this just feels like a horrible situation and it is. There is no good outcome here.
So he will definitely need a martini when he gets home and in my efforts to support him, I am keeping his glass very cold in the freezer.

I try to be a good wife (she said while sipping her own martini). 

Look who showed up again yesterday. 

I took the poor thing a little food but it's so skittish that it ran away and I have no idea if it came back for it or not. It's empty. 
Perhaps we should put up a trail cam to see who comes to dine at night. 
Or pee in our backyard. 

Happy Friday, y'all. 
Love...Ms. Moon


  1. hilarious on so many levels. When you gotta pee, you just gotta! Period! I pee outside on walks often and take care to be discreet but hey, who cares? Just empty that bladder! When I was in Canada visiting friend Rosey for first time 10 yrs ago.....we drove from her house to Stratford (one hour) to see the musical *The Music Man* and she had to pee SO badly........ I told her to pull over and go! She is 84 years old (now) and had never in her life peed out in the *open*. EVER. We stopped alongside an Amish farm.....and she peed in the cornfield..... unseen by anyone other than me.....and we still laugh about it to this day! Happy Martini Friday! I'm still laughing.....and will continue to do so! Woohoo!
    Susan M

  2. Those are all black spots, so I take back my recent assertion that that singular creature is a girl cat.
    My faithful resident feral of many years just reappeared after an unprecedented 2-month absence. Too bad these 3/4 wild, 1/4 domesticated creatures can't talk!

  3. Well that's the end of your dignity i guess. Although unless you were lying on the ground do you think they could see your face?

  4. You certainly had an adventurous Friday. I have a mental picture of Mr. Moon defiantly going to pee on the trail cam or simply remove the memory card.

  5. I definitely did a LOL when I saw that camera! You were obviously facing it ... you will be the infamous woodland peeing lady! Name This Lady! Too funny!!
    That is such a pretty kitty!

  6. Oh, Mary, as a free-range pee-er myself, I laughed so hard at this! Glad you are the person you are, or that trail cam might be floating down Lloyd Creek about now. And good on'ya for getting out for another walk!

    Chris from Boise

  7. Hahaha - great story. Wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall when they watched the video..

  8. That was hilarious! Been there, done that. Never in front of a camera (that I'm aware of). But could give a shit if there was a camera. After being a nurse for 38 years, I'm way beyond pants coming down in public. I worked psych the last 25 and saw a number of panties being worn as hats! Well, I guess you won't be using that particular spot for a pit stop in the future...or maybe you'll feel frisky and think...what the hell! Just glad there weren't any snakes or alligators lurking. Cameras are bad enough!
    Enjoy that deserve 2!
    Paranormal John

  9. I wish you'd been using a she-wee. Whoever watched would be baffled! Wait, how can she aim like that? Is that possible? Ah, she's tracing her name, I see an M...

  10. Cameras everywhere! It's ok though, we are kind of used to it if we ever went to a christian church and were told that god watches our every move. The problem with that camera is that you could be posted on social media and become a meme!
    The backcloth looks so good living in your house!

  11. dang girl all we have to worry about here whilst peeing in the woods are ticks.... sorry that your helping the encampment took a turn. xxalainaxx

  12. I have been readin your blog for a while now and previously never posted a comment. I just had to after this one! I am of an age that truly understands the need to pee Now. Having grown up spending a lot of time in the woods I have at times pulled over and found a place to go more than once. I can only imagine what thoughts would be in my head if I found myself in the same situation. I truly got a good laugh at your story. I think once you reach a certain age you no longer care what others think. I also would love to be a fly on the wall to see what camera owners reaction is when they view the video.

  13. This is the first time I've heard of a pee cam. ;o} Now you know where it is, you can just pee behind it. Still laughing. Enjoy your well deserved martini. xx0xx0 N2

  14. I should do some more dusting here too. I dropped a bunch of coins this morning and as I peered under the recliner to see if any rolled under it the dust there was so thick it practically snarled at me for invading its privacy!
    I rarely go walking in the winter because I know I can't hold my bladder for long in the cold, but in the summer when I go walking I take a train to one of our many beaches so if I need to pee I just wade into the ocean.
    That bark cloth makes a lovely cover for the unsightly furniture item.

  15. I also had a good laugh at the peeing story! We have a trail camera in the garden to see what is coming in....(.foxes ). P moves it about and I frequently find that I am walking towards it and always feel uncomfortable being filmed when my face doesn't know!

  16. There's probably a warrant out for your arrest as we speak! Years ago, when I was just little, we were driving on moors in the south of England when my mom needed to pee. My dad just stopped the car and when she asked where the toilet was he said "20 yards in any direction". So she found a hedge, pulled her drawers down and peed, and when she stood up the hedge got up behind her! It was a bunch of soldiers on military exercises! I bet she was glad it was just a pee! Mind you, I bet they were too!

    1. Oy, this made me laugh. Poor mom!
      Mary, just bring a hankie and drape over the cam for further peeing trips. They'll know why :D

  17. I laughed out loud when I read this:) Thanks for the laugh this morning. I think if you've had that chest for 45 years, it is now officially yours.

  18. I can never pee outside as I always end up peeing on my shoes. Just can't get the right angle when I squat...
    You have a good sense of humor which does help a lot as we get older and wacky things happen to us! Enjoy your weekend, Mary!

  19. omg! I laughed so hard. because that would be me. I wonder if the owner of that camera knows you or recognises you. small town so surely so. but I'm with you. shrug it off. big surprise for when they retrieve the camera.

  20. Ha! That's funny. I suppose whether or not I cared about the camera would depend on the angle of the photo. If I thought it showed EVERYTHING I might well have swiped the card. I'd have taken it home, erased my images and put it back the next day!

    Then again, I guess it really doesn't matter all that much, does it?

    Just goes to show, you never know who's watching! When I lived in Morocco we had to be super-careful about our behavior even when it seemed like we were alone in the mountains, because the Moroccans were very skilled at seeing long distances!

  21. 37paddington: you made someone’s day, I think. Let’s just hope it’s not someone acquainted with Tik Tok!

  22. WILLIE Hey come and look at this willya Wayne?
    WAYNE What is it bro?
    WILLIE I'm just checkin' the Number 3 cam. Down by Lloyd Baptist Church.
    WAYNE So what ya got bro?
    WILLIE A possum, a black and white cat, a raccoon and then this. Whaddya think it is Wayne?
    (Wayne stares at the monitor and then wide-eyed he gulps)
    WAYNE I ain't seen one of them in years Willie. I do declare that is wild beaver!

  23. Oh my goodness, this is a story for the ages isn't it? I laughed myself stupid. Thank you!


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