Calling Dr. Freud!

I've had a mostly terrific day today. Since the temperature was a tiny bit lower than it has been, I decided to take a walk. Hurray for me! When I stepped outside though, the humidity almost knocked me over. I guess yesterday's rain was causing everything to steam and it felt very much like being in a sauna. Sauna's are great but you do not want to exercise in one. At least I don't. But I decided that I could indeed do this and it was somewhat overcast when I left the house so I struck out heading west towards the county line, planning to do a very slow one mile out and one mile back. Easy-peasy. No worries. Just don't pee by a trail cam. 

Unfortunately, the clouds started dissipating and the shady stretches grew farther and fewer apart. But, we persevere, do we not? I made it to Leon County, turned around and headed back, cursing myself for deciding that this was a doable situation. By the time I'd made it to the Woman's Club building, I was ready to quit and call Mr. Moon to come and get me. However, the Woman's Club building is only about what might be a block from my house if, as I so often say, Lloyd had blocks, and that would be ridiculous. So on I trudged and I made it into our house and I got a bowl and filled it with water and ice and soaked hand towels in it that I wrapped around my neck and I washed my face over and over with that icy water and it did not take me long to recover. 

I am so dramatic. 

Last night I was reading an article about something called "Gray Rocking" which can help people deal with the narcissists in their lives and that's fine and good but I got to a part in the article about how narcissists do not always display the behaviors that we think of them as displaying. There are people who are overt narcissists but there is also a group of narcissists labeled as covert narcissists. Here is what the article said about them:

Covert narcissists behave differently. What they believe makes them special is how greatly they suffer. Often this will manifest as pulling you in to listen to their woes while completely ignoring your concerns, Malkin said.

Oh my god. 

Is this me? 

My wonderful therapist once asked me (and again- I know I have written about this before) why I feel such a need to suffer. And I have never been able to answer that question. I joke about it- I only feel like I can sit down and watch TV or read after I've done enough suffering for the day. I take walks because they fulfill my need for suffering. And then, and THEN, I write blog post after blog post about the suffering I have done whether it involves walking in the heat or working outside in the heat or being depressed or anxious or whatever and DO I DO THIS BECAUSE I AM A NARCISSIST?

So this is something I've been pondering all day and I've also been thinking about how so many religions elevate suffering to being a holy thing, to love Jesus because he suffered so much for people, to berate ourselves because we cause god to suffer due to our sins. 

Supposedly Mother Teresa, holiest of holies, said this about suffering: 

“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.”

And I just think that is such horseshit. 

I really hope I'm not a covert narcissist. 

Anyway, back to my day- I thought I was picking Magnolia June up after school today and so I got in the kitchen after my lunch and made the gumbo so I wouldn't have to rush when I got home but then Jason got off work early so he could pick her up and there I was with my already-made gumbo and although I had been happy to go get Maggie, I was glad that her daddy was doing it because it had started storming with great gusts of wind and thunder that rumbled and rumbled and rumbled and then rain that poured from the sky. Because I had already SUFFERED on my walk, I thought I would spend the rest of the afternoon on my ass, embroidering and watching TV but first I had to roast peanuts for Mr. Moon, take the trash and stop by the post office and look who I met in the PO parking lot. 

What a pretty girl! She came into the post office with me while I got my mail out of my box and then she followed me back out and acted like she wanted to get in my car so I went into My Gypsy Soul Boutique where the proprietor's mother, I think, was talking to another woman and the dog followed me in and I said, "Do y'all know this dog?" and they did not but one of them said that she thought she lived in the house across from the dump where all the metal is in the yard which is the place where they have two American flags flying upside down on their gate. "I hear she gets out sometimes," said the woman who thought she knew where the dog lived.
So. I opened my car door and this happened. 

I indicated that I would like to get in my seat and she scootched over to the other seat and I took her down to the house with the upside down flags and went into the driveway and got out and went around the car and opened the door and said, "Come on, baby." 
She got out and I told her, "Stay!" And then I drove home. She was so polite and so well-mannered. Also, her eyeliner was perfectly applied. 

This is a strange post, I think. But maybe not. One never knows what will emerge from my mind when I sit down to write. 

BECAUSE I'M SO AMAZING and UNIQUE! (Said the narcissist.)

Damn that gumbo smells good. 

Love...Ms. Moon