I've had a mostly terrific day today. Since the temperature was a tiny bit lower than it has been, I decided to take a walk. Hurray for me! When I stepped outside though, the humidity almost knocked me over. I guess yesterday's rain was causing everything to steam and it felt very much like being in a sauna. Sauna's are great but you do not want to exercise in one. At least I don't. But I decided that I could indeed do this and it was somewhat overcast when I left the house so I struck out heading west towards the county line, planning to do a very slow one mile out and one mile back. Easy-peasy. No worries. Just don't pee by a trail cam.
Unfortunately, the clouds started dissipating and the shady stretches grew farther and fewer apart. But, we persevere, do we not? I made it to Leon County, turned around and headed back, cursing myself for deciding that this was a doable situation. By the time I'd made it to the Woman's Club building, I was ready to quit and call Mr. Moon to come and get me. However, the Woman's Club building is only about what might be a block from my house if, as I so often say, Lloyd had blocks, and that would be ridiculous. So on I trudged and I made it into our house and I got a bowl and filled it with water and ice and soaked hand towels in it that I wrapped around my neck and I washed my face over and over with that icy water and it did not take me long to recover.
I am so dramatic.
Last night I was reading an article about something called "Gray Rocking" which can help people deal with the narcissists in their lives and that's fine and good but I got to a part in the article about how narcissists do not always display the behaviors that we think of them as displaying. There are people who are overt narcissists but there is also a group of narcissists labeled as covert narcissists. Here is what the article said about them:
Covert narcissists behave differently. What they believe makes them special is how greatly they suffer. Often this will manifest as pulling you in to listen to their woes while completely ignoring your concerns, Malkin said.
Oh my god.
Is this me?
My wonderful therapist once asked me (and again- I know I have written about this before) why I feel such a need to suffer. And I have never been able to answer that question. I joke about it- I only feel like I can sit down and watch TV or read after I've done enough suffering for the day. I take walks because they fulfill my need for suffering. And then, and THEN, I write blog post after blog post about the suffering I have done whether it involves walking in the heat or working outside in the heat or being depressed or anxious or whatever and DO I DO THIS BECAUSE I AM A NARCISSIST?
So this is something I've been pondering all day and I've also been thinking about how so many religions elevate suffering to being a holy thing, to love Jesus because he suffered so much for people, to berate ourselves because we cause god to suffer due to our sins.
Supposedly Mother Teresa, holiest of holies, said this about suffering:
“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.”
So. I opened my car door and this happened.
She got out and I told her, "Stay!" And then I drove home. She was so polite and so well-mannered. Also, her eyeliner was perfectly applied.
You are beautiful and unique, but you are not a narcissist. Among other traits, a narcissist feels no empathy for others.
ReplyDeleteWell. I do feel empathy. At least I think I do. It's confusing sometimes.
DeleteI think only you can answer this question: "DO I DO THIS BECAUSE I AM A NARCISSIST?"
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet pup!
A 4th Indictment ... RICO charges ... Gawd. .. if he doesn't live the rest of his miserable life in prison, then there is something truly wrong with the judicial system! 🤷🙄🤦
He'd already be in jail if he hadn't been the fucking president. Damn him. May we live to see him in cuffs.
DeleteThe thing is: does worrying about being a narcissist make you one? Just in case you run out of things to worry about.
ReplyDeleteOh- I already thought of that. And worried about it.
DeleteAnd all this time I have worried about being a closet narcissist! I may quit it you are serious.
ReplyDeleteI really did need something to fret over, I guess.
DeleteI've read many account that Mother Teresa showed one face to the public and the real side was far from holy. More like nasty as cat shit. There's organized religion for ya! I agree...horseshit, indeed! No, you have way too much empathy for others to be a narcissist. Look towards Trump if you want to see a TRUE narcissist...and his minions. Sweet story about the dog.
ReplyDeleteParanormal John
While she did a tremendous amount of good in her life, I've also read that she was not at all a nice person in real life - but then who knows!
DeleteYeah. Christopher Hitchens wrote a scandalous book about her. Did you read it? "Missionary Position." Haha! What cracks me up is learning that she lost her faith a long, long time before she died but she had faith that she'd get her faith back. I guess that's really sad, honestly.
DeleteMother Theresa denied her patients analgesia to make them suffer more and she did other appalling things to those who came to her for help. That sums up that religion for me.
ReplyDeleteBeing a tad dramatic does not make a narcissist. You are too caring to be a narcissist.
Yeah. Mother T. had some strange ideas and practices.
DeleteI am dramatic. This I can definitely agree with.
If you were a covert narcissist you wouldn't ask the question. You may enjoy or think you enjoy the suffering of those long walks but what you are really doing is helping to rid yourself of depression. That is probably why you feel better today because you were able to get out to walk.
ReplyDeleteI do feel better about myself when I do hard things. Physical things, especially. But then I have to talk about it! I'm weird. And I know that walking does improve my mental outlook.
DeleteI'll just chime in and say, nope. I doubt you're a narcissist. But what you also aren't is a fucking martyr like women are raised to be. I remember reading parenting magazines when Jonah was a baby and feeling like I must be a monster because everybody was always happy all the time and it was easy and their houses were clean and they didn't hurt or get mad, but robotically smiled while making crafts. Anyway, it was around that time that I found the blogosphere and you and hot baby jesus, it was such a relief to see women writing honestly about their lives. ANYHOO. I have a lot of feelings about this (obviously) but no, you are not a narcissist.
ReplyDeleteOh, darling Ramona! I feel incredibly honored for those words! If I could help one mother know that being a mother is the farthest thing from easy and happy-making at all times and that yes, you do get mad and you cry and your house is sometimes a mess because kids and life are a mess... Well. You get my point. Thank you for telling me that.
DeleteI have always thought for sure though that I do have a bit of a martyr complex. My mother sure as shit did.
NO, you are absolutely NOT a covert narcissist, or ANY kind of narcissist. No.... not sure you feel the *need* to suffer either......you just feel the way most people do (but rarely share) and are open enough to share your feelings. I survived ENT appt! 1/2 Xanax did the trick. Awesome Doc......hubby (he was allowed to come in to exam room) loved her as well. thorough, knowledgeable, brisk yet open and vert attentive. Even did nasal endoscopy during visit. It was not painful at all. Not really closer to *answers*..all looked good today. CT Scan of sinuses will be next and we go from there. At least some things were ruled out...and that is a start. Hamburgers and homegrown cuke/tomato salad on tap here for dinner....and glass of wine #2, which I feel deserving of after a stressfull day.
ReplyDeleteSusan M
and PS,,,,,,,you are the wonderful good samaritan in taking the sweet dog with the perfect eyeliner back home! YES!
DeleteSusan M
So, so, SO glad that your ENT appointment went well and mostly that it WENT and you are done with that one. I'm proud of you. And I'm glad you liked the doctor.
DeleteI was happy to take that doggy home but I have my doubts as to whether or not she stayed there. She looked pretty able to take care of herself though.
What an adorable Fur Baby Neighbor you gave a ride Home to. As to Narcissist behaviors, us Humans are a mixed bag and perhaps we all have some sense of our own importance at times? I don't know that I've noticed in your stream of consciousness here on your Blog space, that yours is inflated in any way. And suffering, well, it happens, whether we want to talk about it or silently endure it, life isn't always Rainbows, Glitter, Buttercups and Unicorn Farts. You are transparent in a refreshing way and keep it Real in your recounting of how Life is just playing out for you, IMO. And I'd have to agree with other Dear Readers that Nope, we wouldn't think you to be one... probably someone who is one wouldn't even have any Awareness at all?
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree. We are all at the center of our own universes and that's just the truth. How could it be otherwise? I do bitch a lot though. But like I said, I guess that's just who I am.
DeleteLet's not get all worked up about labels. You came that far and that includes the good times, so take credit. I've just finished reading a book about parenting which really is a book about how our childhood need not hang around our neck like a heavy chain. With reading, I mean I cherry picked my way through the chapters, nodding my head.
ReplyDelete(The book you wish your parents had read by Philippa Perry) There's a nice talk by her on you tube: https://youtu.be/pVxZybqaKUc and the book is available for free online.
I will check out that link, Sabine. Thank you. I have indeed often felt that my childhood is a burden that I carry despite the fact that I know it's not mine. Never really was.
DeleteSuch a sweet well behaved dog :)
ReplyDeleteI think you ARE amazing and unique, but not a narcissist. I also don't believe for a single minute that suffering is holy in any way. I'm suffering right now with a sprained shoulder, possibly a torn rotator cuff and holy Jesus has nothing at all to do with that. I've simply been lifting too many heavy things too often. Mental suffering is also nothing to do with religion or "bringing you closer to God", well not in my opinion anyway. That usually has more to do with troubled lifestyles in your past or possible some kind of mental illness, such as my ex has, paranoia, depression etc. You writing about suffering is a form of therapy, it helps you to get it out and it helps us to understand you.
I know what you mean about just keep going when you have gone far enough but home is just five more minutes away.
Who would want Jesus to kiss them anyway? What does that even mean? Ah, well. Christianity sure does love suffering though, doesn't it? One more way to control the masses. "Sure, you're suffering now but when you die you'll be in heaven where the streets are paved with gold and there will be no more pain or sickness! So don't be bitching about that suffering! You're on your way to paradise!"
DeleteI'm sorry to hear about your rotator cuff. And I agree with you about the mental suffering. There are people who suffer so much in their daily lives with mental illness that they die by suicide. It is too much to bear. Life is heartbreaking and hard sometimes. Everyone experiences those times.
I hope you get some relief for your shoulder soon.
Like Claudia pointed out, if you really were a narcissist you wouldn't be asking yourself that question! I've mentioned before on my blog that when I ended up emptying my ex-husband's house that he abandoned, I was going to put a book on fishing into the free book exchange when a psych report fell out of it. Amongst other things (diagnosed bipolar), the shrink said he thought he was an alcoholic (ya think???) mainly because of the smell coming off him AND, in his opinion, he was a covert narc! Boy did that open my eyes. An overt narc is easy to spot of course, but a covert narc not at all. And grey rocking is what you are advised to do if you can't go total no contact with a narc. Short, sharp answers to questions with absolutely no emotion. Don't feed the beast (and guess what, it works)!
ReplyDeleteOh and here are some examples of grey rock answers I found on One Mom's Battle website about her attempt to get away from her narc husband.
Deletehttps://reauthoringteaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/OMB-Lets-Talk_Canned-Responses.pdf
Excellent information. Thank you! And yes, the gray rocking thing makes perfect sense to me but honestly, I had no idea there were different categories of narcissism. Opened my eyes too. I always just thought of narcissists as being like Donald Trump or some other people that I actually know in real life. It never occurred to me that there could be a martyr-y type. My mother displayed some of those descriptions.
DeleteI think you are too loving and caring to be a narcissist, Mary.
ReplyDeleteI bet your gumbo is delicious.
I will admit that my gumbo was delicious!
Deletedo I think Mary Moon is a closet narcissist? let me think about that...NO. we are all suffering in this heat. why people want to embrace a religion that says you must suffer to feel the holiness of god, deny yourself things that make you feel good because omg god you might make god unhappy is beyond me. I mean really, can a true god get unhappy? I think not.
ReplyDeletelots of thinking here. everything was a crisis to/for my mother and she WAS a narcissist.
Oh, Ellen. I adore you. I am right there with you about religion. And suffering. What a crock of shit all that is. Why DO people believe it?
DeleteMy mother was a narcissist too. Absolutely. Which is one of the reasons I've always been so worried that I am too.
I never get the sense in your posts that you are making flagrant displays of suffering. You're complaining about genuinely complaint-worthy aspects of your day, just as I do, just as everyone does -- and in between you're talking affectionately and lovingly about everyone in your family and many of the people you see during the day, right down to the supermarket cashier with the mermaid eye shadow. And I'm sure a narcissist would never do that.
ReplyDeleteI love the picture of the dog in your car! I think if I'd met that dog I'd have adopted it, even if it did already have an owner! LOL
Thank you Steve. You're a sweetheart.
DeleteI did ask that dog if she was tired of living with Trump supporters and if that's why she kept running away. She was the kind of dog that sort of makes me understand why people have dogs. She just seemed so intelligent and chill and eager for fun.
And, if that dog has a blog, it would read: 'I made it to Leon County, turned around and headed back, cursing myself for deciding that this was a doable situation. By the time I'd made it to the Woman's Club building, I was ready to quit. When a lovely woman with a good heart came along, I hopped into her car and she gave me a lift home. She was so polite and well mannered, and if she wore eyeliner, I bet it would have been perfectly applied.'
ReplyDeleteWe are so very quick to slap a label on something. Cripes. I can wallow, myself. Am I a covert narcissist? I don't think so. My motivation is not to be the center of attention, which is the point of all narcisism? You're a woman who struggles and sometimes needs a hug. It is different.
Haha! Thank you, Debby! I love the dog's blog!
DeleteWe do love to label things and put them in their proper categories, don't we? And I guess we all struggle sometimes and need a hug. I'd give you one right now if I could for that sweet comment.
you wouldn't take the time to comment back or read/comment on other blogs if you were a narcissist. trust me on this one. xxalainaxx
ReplyDeleteThank you, sweet woman.
Delete